To think I'm not responsible for DHs actions

[NoProblama]

DH and MIL had an argument a few months back. Now I won't get into details of the argument because it isn't the point of my post, but I will just say, DH was very calm and collected during the argument, MIL was not. DH was also in the right. MIL is a very cold and nasty person overall, she can never admit fault or take any blame for anything.

She has decided that she will not come and see the kids until DH apologises to her, which he is not going to do. We have discussed it and he and I both feel her behaviour is awful, she has posted multiple Facebook statuses about the situation, including doing it while we were in the hospital having our daughter 7 weeks ago. I honestly don't want her here at all anyway after the way she has behaved and neither does DH.

Anyway, she text me a couple of days ago calling me a cunt and telling me I'm 'just as bad' as DH for allowing him to 'carry on'.. Am I wrong in thinking that it's not my fucking responsibility to control his actions? Like regardless of wether I believed he was right or not, since when is it up to me to make sure he's behaving exactly how his mother wants him to? I have said very little to MIL regarding the situation, the only things I have said is that she shouldn't be including my children in her drama. I've stayed out of it as much as I could because I've just had a baby and am not interested in fighting with anyone, and it's also got pretty much nothing to do with me, it's not my argument.

I've now told DH that if or when he speaks to her again, she's not welcome in my house and I don't particularly want her around my kids either. I don't think it's acceptable to speak to the mother of your grandkids that way, especially for no good reason. DH has agreed with me, but am I being over the top? Im so all over the place since having our most recent baby that I honestly don't know if I'm being too thin skinned. It's not the first time she's spoken to me this way, and she speaks to and about her other DIL the same.

This is probably really confusing because to be honest, I'm quite confused myself.

Honestly, cut her out now before she is able to have any impact on your children with her vile drama. Support your husband on this and the 2 of you can enjoy your little family in peace. Just watch out for the flying monkeys (BIL) they're not worth hanging on to either.

‘Nice. Would you kiss. Your grandchildren with that mouth?’

Seriously. Great opportunity to get far away from this woman and. Never go back!

If your DH wants to forget about her completely, then please support him and let him block her and go NC. I regret not doing it with my MIL when my DH offered to go NC for me, when I said he could keep in contact but looking back it was his way of asking for it to happen.

Anyone calling anyone, let alone a new mother a cunt would not see me again.

Refuse to talk to anyone except DH about the situation. Eye roll and ignore everything, including other people's expectations of you.

She's a loon. Get her out of your headspace.

She sounds awful. But taking any context out of it you are still not responsible for another fully grown adult. Even though you might have some influence over a husband you don't control them!

You should block her number on your phone too. Why would you ever want to hear from someone who calls you that word in a message? You're not being unreasonable, she isn't your mother, so just let your DH deal with her how sees fit and block any contact with her and anyone who tries to be her go-between.

Wow, you're in the right OP. Block away and enjoy the peace and quiet. Tell the flying monkeys to bugger off too

Classic drama triangle: victim, persecutor, fixer. You and your dh may alternate between the persecutor/fixer roles depending on her mood and what's going on at the moment, but it all feeds into her sense of herself as a victim. Even when dh and I went NC with MIL and her partner, she would still address all correspondence to me about the issue that led to us going NC. She viewed me as the evil controlling one who wasn't letting dh have a relationship with his family (his family who lied to us in order to facilitate a relationship between a convicted paedophile and our dc). So everything was all about me and what I was and wasn't doing right or allowing dh to do. It's easier than actually admitting maybe she was a horrible person who did a bad thing and that's why we wanted nothing more to do with her.

Anyway, that's mostly irrelevant though, because I'd be having nothing more to do with anyone who called me a cunt.

Definitely go NC with her and the BIL too. Awful vile people who don't deserve your families time or attention. I cant imagine ever calling anyone in my family such a horrible thing no matter what the situation

Personally I’d see this as a close shave and easy escape from a narcissistic mother-in-law. Cut her out now because she’ll never be any better than this, tantrums galore! 🙄

Don't respond, ignore her messages.
Consider going non contact.

Ignore her and block her. Don't feed the monster with attention. And tbh don't worry about your kids not 'having a grandma' - I grew up around precisely zero grandparents and it hasn't affected me at all. The idea of having them in my life is very alien to me as we've never really had a relationship never mind being close.

She's a character isn't she.

I think you've got it right. Anyone who would like to 'pick a side' can also get lost.

Atrocious behaviour and just all round toxic. I wouldn't be wasting anymore headspace on this dumpster fire.

Enjoy your baby!

@cafenoirbiscuit

‘Nice. Would you kiss. Your grandchildren with that mouth?’

Seriously. Great opportunity to get far away from this woman and. Never go back!

Exactly.

Don't give her any further opportunities. What a disgusting way to speak to anyone.

The principle is correct you're not responsible for his behaviour, and it shows how normal she thinks controlling behaviour is.
Your kids don't need someone in their lives who treats their parents like that, and they don't need to be exposed to someone who might viciously turn on them
Set boundaries

Anyone that called me a cunt would be getting blocked for life and they would not be around my kids ever. You won't regret it!
This.

No she does not see you or your children. Who the hell does she think she is?

Did you answer the text?

YANBU. Don't bother replying to her at all it will just give her more ammunition to keep the drama going on and on and on, block completely and leave her to wallow in her own self made misery.

Anyone that called me a cunt would never see me or my kids again.

The end.

Ignore her completely. Support your H in going NC with her.

What a foul individual.

The only person here who decides the level of contact your family has with his mother is your DH. If he's gone NC, you should too. If she tries to contact you, either don't respond at all or refer her to DH.

She sounds completely awful and no loss to your lives at all.

DH was supposed to go crawling back to her with an apology so that she could feel like Queen Bee. He didn't.

Next step was to stir up as much drama as she could with her posts on FB, but even her most ardent followers will have got bored reading that after a while.

Next was the attempt to get a reaction from your DH via your BIL. That hasn't worked either.

Now she's trying to involve you so that she can keep the drama ramped up. Ignore and block. She clearly brings nothing positive to your lives.

Sounds like this is a really good opportunity for you to end your relationship with her. She sounds awful.

She sounds like a nightmare, NC sounds like the way forward

But no, you aren’t responsible for other people’s actions