Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think I'm not responsible for DHs actions

89 replies

NoProblama · 02/09/2020 09:56

DH and MIL had an argument a few months back. Now I won't get into details of the argument because it isn't the point of my post, but I will just say, DH was very calm and collected during the argument, MIL was not. DH was also in the right. MIL is a very cold and nasty person overall, she can never admit fault or take any blame for anything.

She has decided that she will not come and see the kids until DH apologises to her, which he is not going to do. We have discussed it and he and I both feel her behaviour is awful, she has posted multiple Facebook statuses about the situation, including doing it while we were in the hospital having our daughter 7 weeks ago. I honestly don't want her here at all anyway after the way she has behaved and neither does DH.

Anyway, she text me a couple of days ago calling me a cunt and telling me I'm 'just as bad' as DH for allowing him to 'carry on'.. Am I wrong in thinking that it's not my fucking responsibility to control his actions? Like regardless of wether I believed he was right or not, since when is it up to me to make sure he's behaving exactly how his mother wants him to? I have said very little to MIL regarding the situation, the only things I have said is that she shouldn't be including my children in her drama. I've stayed out of it as much as I could because I've just had a baby and am not interested in fighting with anyone, and it's also got pretty much nothing to do with me, it's not my argument.

I've now told DH that if or when he speaks to her again, she's not welcome in my house and I don't particularly want her around my kids either. I don't think it's acceptable to speak to the mother of your grandkids that way, especially for no good reason. DH has agreed with me, but am I being over the top? Im so all over the place since having our most recent baby that I honestly don't know if I'm being too thin skinned. It's not the first time she's spoken to me this way, and she speaks to and about her other DIL the same.

This is probably really confusing because to be honest, I'm quite confused myself.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 02/09/2020 12:25

Of course you aren’t responsible

It’s like him smashing a glass and her saying “well why did you let him do that?”

It’s stupid

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/09/2020 12:32

[quote Decentsalnotime]@WaxOnFeckOff

Did you read that this woman called the OP, his wife, a cunt?

I would be horrified if he wanted his mother to be around his wife and children following this[/quote]
Oh yes, I did and I wouldn't be having anything to do with her and would be very angry if my DH didn't support that.

However, the thread is about whether the OP should take responibility for her DHs action. I'm just agreeing that she doesn't but she also can't make him do what she wants either. If we accept that she isn't responsible for his actions, then he also doesn't have to agree or take responsibility for hers. I don't disagree that he should certainly follow her lead but it's his call, he also has some autonomy as to whether he forgives his mum for the initial argument, regardless of what came after.

So, whilst I absolutely agree that MIL shouldn't cross the threashold, it's not only OPs decsion.

emmathedilemma · 02/09/2020 12:43

exactly this @Nomorepies !!

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/09/2020 12:58

Whilst I do agree with your actions,( although I think this should be a joint decision between you and your DH rather than you saying MIL is not allowed around YOUR house and YOUR kids), I would be careful of using the kids as a weapon in this, your MIL and now you are propsing to make them suffer because of an argument between you adults.
That said I wouldn't let her around if I thought she would be slagging me or their DF off to the kids.

Gazelda · 02/09/2020 12:58

Keep a copy of that text

My children wouldn't be spending any time with someone who calls their mother is a cunt.

What DH does is his own business, but I think he's taking the right approach.

It'd be completely NC for me, and I'd be taking no shit from BIL either. If he wants to judge and berate you, then go NC with him too.

Notsandwiches · 02/09/2020 13:00

I think you're being very measured in your response. I'd not respond, block her and get on with your life.

pussycatinboots · 02/09/2020 13:04

Can you put a screen grab of her "cunt" message on your SM?
At least anyone you know will know for certain it's her not you.

Other than that, just block the witch.

angelicabtton · 02/09/2020 13:10

I wouldn't reply and would support DH in being non contact. But if he wanted to make up at some point I would probably accept an apology and move on. I wouldn't want to dictate to him what he could do with our children unless there was clear abuse involved.

HyacynthBucket · 02/09/2020 13:15

No one who called me what she said to you would ever cross my threshold again. Your DH needs to support that idea and you. Hope you both do not even contemplate that you might continue a relationship with his mother if that is how she treats you OP. He needs to get on side with you, and you to be absolutely firm that she is out of your life.
A woman who behaves like this is not fit to be your DC grandmother either. If you allow her contact with them, then down the line there will be all kinds of manipulations going on and she will badmouth you to them. Not worth getting into. Hope you stay well clear,and enjoy your new baby OP.

Devlesko · 02/09/2020 13:15

YANBU and I'd send an email, not a text.
Saying she isn't welcome as you can't have that language in front of your kids.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2020 13:34

First, Congratulations on your new baby.
That is how she behaves to the woman who has just given birth? Telling you off for not doing her work on your DH and dropping the C bomb? She sounds Awful and it sounds like you are well out of it
Its not surprising that 100% have voted so far that YANBU.

notthemum · 02/09/2020 13:36

@Topseyt
Just this. !

FlapsInTheWind · 02/09/2020 14:03

@monkeyonthetable

Steer clear. It is an unbelievable weight of your mind to go NC with really vicious, manipulative family members. You think it will be traumatic and heartbreaking. Instead it is liberating and relaxing and improves your MH no end. You have a new baby to care for - you don't need her toddler tantrums and your DC don't need her poison.

This. I can vouch for the fact that this advice is excellent. You think it will be terrible and then you realise that bright light is the sun and you can stand in it's warmth. It's like coming out of a twelve stretch of prison for a crime you didn't commit.

billy1966 · 03/09/2020 09:02

Great advice above.
Stand together with your husband.

I don't think I have led a particularly sheltered life but I have never heard that word used IRL.

I associate with the absolute dregs of society.....of whom your MIL is clearly a part of.

Why would you want her near your precious family?.

People live long lives virtually drama free simple because they would never tolerate even the slightest amout of this type behavior in them.

There are so many things in our lives we don't have control over, like health etc.

But this......yea, you definitely have control over whether you want this type of toxicity in your family's life.

Your choice completely.

Flip

1 2 3 4