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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds packing his bags

87 replies

Greycurtiansarenaff · 01/09/2020 23:49

I'm having a bloody crap week and tonight ds9 has sent me over the edge.

I sent him and his brother to bed at 9pm, but they both snuck their tablets so I confiscated them both along with their playstation and switch, which has then resulted in ds throwing a major fit smashing both mine and his brothers phones.
He's been shooting nerf gun bullets at me for 30 mins saying I'm the worst parent in the world, he hates me and i don't care and his dad is the only parent that shows him love and he wants to live with him. His dad hasn't seen them since June and has called twice in that time, making promises of all the things he's going to do
Ds has called him 6 times and messaged him twice which of course have all gone unanswered, he's packed his bags is fully clothed and is sat waiting for a man that isn't going to turn up. His dad isn't going to take him tonight or any other night as he is due to have a baby with his girlfriend pretty soon, which neither of the DC know about.

I don't really know what to do or to say to him
do I tell him he isn't coming or just leave him to eventually fall asleep upset and only to wake up disappointed again? Also do I say anything about their new sibling, as it doesn't look like their dad is going to tell them.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2020 23:57

I'm sorry to read this.

Your son's dad needs to be having a conversation with his children very soon. It's not fair on you or them.

LupinsNotLilys · 01/09/2020 23:59

For tonight I'd let him settle as best he can/however he can

He's bound to be feeling frustrated/confused with everything

Ex needs to be having a discussion with his dc about the new sibling they'll have asap

I'd avoid being the bearer of bad news re your ex as you'll get the grunt if it but your ex NEEDS to do this ASAP

LupinsNotLilys · 02/09/2020 00:00

Brunt*

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 02/09/2020 00:01

No useful advice but lot of sympathy. I hope things get easier

Scrunchcake · 02/09/2020 00:03

That sounds really hard, on him and on you. Didn't want to read and run. I hope you all get some sleep tonight and really really hope his dad gets his shit together and talks to him.

Original poster

Greycurtiansarenaff · 02/09/2020 00:13

His behaviour just seems to be getting worse, the other day he kicked a hole in my bathroom door because he didn't want to go out and have lunch even though I'd already made plans.

He always resorts to saying he wants his dad which I know not seeing him is half the issue, but I cannot take much more of it. Its affecting mine and his brothers mental health as we're constantly walking on eggshells so as not to start him off as he usually goes on for hours.

I've spoken to his dad about it, but as always falls on deaf ears and gets blamed on me for not allowing him to be a dad which is bullshit, he's just not that bothered about what goes on. I also really think he has no intention of telling them about their sibling and wants me to do it so he isn't seen as the bad guy, she is due I believe in the next month or so, so he has had plenty of time and opportunity to say something.

OP posts:

BaskingMad · 02/09/2020 00:18

Don’t tell him anything tonight. Get the tablet and ask him what he likes watching. Then watch it with him. Under a snuggly blanket. Tell him you love him no matter what.

He’s only a 9 year old boy, he is not responsible for the fact his dad is a knob. He needs your love.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 02/09/2020 00:20

Can you access any counselling for him ?
It might be worth speaking to school pastoral / your GP to see what he can access.

He clearly needs some additional emotional support.

Hugs for you .

Princessbanana · 02/09/2020 00:23

My son has a dad like your ex but we handle things as and when they come. We gave his dad an ultimatum, be there as a constant or not at all, he chose not at all and we have explained that to the kids. They understand that he is useless and I have told them if I could make ex see them then I would but obviously I can’t! I would talk to ex and tell him either be there or piss off. If you keep letting him walk in and out of your sons life, he is going to damage him every time he does it. Also with the moods and attitude and breaking things, you need to come down hard on him because pretty soon he’s going to be a teenager that’s out of control. We ground my son when his behaviour is bad, obviously after warnings. He gets no xbox, no tablet and no outside with his friends, he’s 9 also. You really need to do something about his though because letting this go on is not ok.

Princessbanana · 02/09/2020 00:25

About his dad though

Leobynature · 02/09/2020 00:27

I would tell him his father is not coming but I would not tell him about the new sibling, you will bear the brunt of this news.

However, as pp suggested I would not hug or snuggle up to him tonight as I would be appalled by his behaviour.

Long term, it does sound like he and the whole family could benefit from some therapy.

Mintjulia · 02/09/2020 00:35

I'd leave him to calm down for a while, then check on him later, make sure he's asleep.

Unpack his stuff, and start tomorrow afresh. Give them both a cuddle and tell them that you love them.

Original poster

Greycurtiansarenaff · 02/09/2020 00:36

I'm honestly trying, I'm definitely not a soft touch and both DC know they will get punished when they misbehave. I don't give into tantrums just for an easy life and me removing the consoles and tablets were because I'd warned them both already, So they have now lost it for a week.

I have already spoken to my gp and his school about it and he was tested for autism, which was negative and we were referred to pre cahms? I believe its called, but due to the lockdown there has been no follow up, however I will speak to his teacher this week when he returns to school.

I've given their dad that choice and he chose his girlfriend over them he has always been In and out of their lives, but will never admit to it.
They do on some level know he's useless but he's their dad and they want his love.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greycurtiansarenaff · 02/09/2020 00:41

I also really don't want to tell them about their sibling, but I'm worried incase they see their dad or his girlfriend out and about and it just gets thrown at them or they bump into them once shes had it which will be an even bigger shock.

I know they're both not going to take the news very well and have a feeling their dad is going to be pretty nasty to them if they don't react the way he wants them too, again turning it on me as though I'm poisoning them.

OP posts:

Princessbanana · 02/09/2020 00:44

Well if you’ve given him that choice and he chose his girlfriend then he shouldn’t be allowed to walk back into your sons life to hurt him and you should sit your son down and explain that.

Princessbanana · 02/09/2020 00:46

And I would tell them about the baby as he obviously isn’t going to and it’s not fair them finding out any other way

Scrunchcake · 02/09/2020 00:47

If that kind of behaviour has been going on for a while it might be worth you looking at non-violent resistance training - it can be a game changer.

In the meantime I second what @BaskingMad said. Showing your son how much you love him doesn't mean you're condoning his behaviour.

Notcontent · 02/09/2020 00:50

This must be so hard for you, but it seems clear that your son is acting badly because he is angry, upset and confused. Hope things get better for all of you.

earsup · 02/09/2020 00:56

A 9 year old smashing phones and kicking doors in...my parents would have locked me in the cellar or the van they had after a severe whack...I was locked in the van once for some hours when I played up.!

BostonCalling · 02/09/2020 01:06

Clearly there is an issue with your DS’s relationship with his father that needs to be resolved.

However, you seem to also have a parenting style that could be generously described as intense, with lots of talk of ‘removing’ and ‘punishment’. Ime many DC do not respond well to this, particularly those who have relationship issues in their lives.

It is really important for these DC to see their homes as places to unwind and chill rather than associating them with constant animosity and conflict. This whole event seems to have started from you using a sledgehammer to crack a nut- your DS has hardly committed a huge crime yet you seem to have gone in all guns blazing and created a big scene.

I would focus on relaxing your parenting and really focusing on avoiding unnecessarily creating angst in the home and adding to your DS’s stress.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2020 01:19

I agree. Boundaries are one thing. But punishment is quite another. What I would do about something like sneaking electronics. First, they get plugged in to charge where I am, not where they are. Temptation is a terrible thing, particularly with a sibling egging you on. If he did sneak it, I would do the face, which DD knows well. And ask, "what should I do right now?". DD would then say, "take the iPad". "And what consequence?" and she would probably say "no screens tomorrow" which is fine. A week is too long. If the behaviour has improved you're still punishing, which is silly. Better short, sharp, natural consequences. Then a chat the next day about why they can't sneak electronics. Mood, sleep, breaking it in bed, whatever the reason is. DD has ADHD BTW and I have found over the years that trying to 'win' arguments is foolish. Kids with additional needs will often make themselves utterly miserable to 'win' and not learn the lesson. Better empathy and natural consequences.

Their father on the other hand. Scum. Sorry but he is. What a wanker. Acknowledging the disappointment, sadness and rejection is important while not accepting the behaviours is important. Poor kids.

jessstan2 · 02/09/2020 01:29

@earsup

I expect many of us have stories to tell. I was 'sent away' for two years in the mid 1960s because I 'played up'.

However, I am sure neither of us believe our parents were in any way justified in their choice of punishments.

The op's little boy did behave badly but he is only nine and obviously highly frustrated - and hurt.

Taking devices away from kids at bedtime is not a particularly good move, especially when you consider most of them haven't been to school or doing 'normal' things for a long time. This child is terribly upset by not seeing his dad, he can't take it out on dad so he does it to mum. Life is not fair.

Op really does need to talk to ex husband and persuade him to see his children and prepare them for the new baby. He has to be a father to his existing children first and foremost and not expect the op to do all the parenting.

It is such a difficult situation and I sympathise greatly.

MaryST7 · 02/09/2020 01:29

I know this isn't the answer to everything, but a walk out in the countryside or anything resembling nature that is near you can help a child's brain calm and adjust and reset. I understand it can be difficult to persuade them but the benefits are just huge. My daughter will stomp along in silence for the first 10 minutes but gradually start to unwind, loosen up and then talk. It's free, it's mother nature's gift to us, the quiet and the break from sensory overload can make a huge difference.

famousforwrongreason · 02/09/2020 01:47

@BaskingMad

Don’t tell him anything tonight. Get the tablet and ask him what he likes watching. Then watch it with him. Under a snuggly blanket. Tell him you love him no matter what.

He’s only a 9 year old boy, he is not responsible for the fact his dad is a knob. He needs your love.

Aww you sound lovely @BaskingMad I agree with this. That poor little boy is clearly very confused and distressed. Poor you OP having yo deal with this on your own. Your ex is being a selfish pig. One of you needs to tell your son. I think give him some special time, just you twoz fion as suggested, nice munch and a billion cuddles I would tell him about the baby and just be there for him in the fall out my son is the same age, we've been divorced for years but every now and then my little boy completely breaks down over it. They're so precious and little, they need love and space to talk and be heardi hope you can find someone for you, a kind friend or colleague who will listen to you too xx

Original poster

Greycurtiansarenaff · 02/09/2020 01:56

@BostonCalling the removal of the electronics wasn't because they had snuck their tablets, it was due to them already misbehaving, then ds being rude to me. He knows his home is a safe haven and he can relax and be free. I'm actually a very relaxed parent, but they need boundaries and punishments when they cross those, putting them on the naughty step doesn't work anymore.

OP posts:

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