Ds packing his bags

[Greycurtiansarenaff]

I'm having a bloody crap week and tonight ds9 has sent me over the edge.

I sent him and his brother to bed at 9pm, but they both snuck their tablets so I confiscated them both along with their playstation and switch, which has then resulted in ds throwing a major fit smashing both mine and his brothers phones.
He's been shooting nerf gun bullets at me for 30 mins saying I'm the worst parent in the world, he hates me and i don't care and his dad is the only parent that shows him love and he wants to live with him. His dad hasn't seen them since June and has called twice in that time, making promises of all the things he's going to do
Ds has called him 6 times and messaged him twice which of course have all gone unanswered, he's packed his bags is fully clothed and is sat waiting for a man that isn't going to turn up. His dad isn't going to take him tonight or any other night as he is due to have a baby with his girlfriend pretty soon, which neither of the DC know about.

I don't really know what to do or to say to him
do I tell him he isn't coming or just leave him to eventually fall asleep upset and only to wake up disappointed again? Also do I say anything about their new sibling, as it doesn't look like their dad is going to tell them.

Anyone shooting a nerf gun at me would be sat waiting outside the front door, and that's after a good telling off and the gun removed. They'd never do it again.....you need to be firmer, otherwise yes, their behaviours will deteriorate.

Their father is dreadful but stop shielding the children, they will learn he doesn't turn up/fails to meet expectations and they will understand why you aren't together any more without you having to spell it out.

I agree with the cuddles and special times but not while the children are playing up. Special times need to be when everything has calmed down; bad behaviour needs to be met with calm removal from danger/removal of objects/prevention of damage etc. and then indifference until it has all died down....

I have been the only constant in their lives and it hurts to the core when your 9 year old screams that you don't love him or tell him that you care, when you're the one who kisses them every night and says I love you before they go to sleep.

The words coming out of his mouth are, 'you don't love me', but what is actually saying is, 'You love me unconditionally, even when I'm a little shit and no one else does'.

Others with more experience have given good advice, no matter how hard it is this too will pass.

Hope you all managed to get some sleep last night, are they due back to school today? If not and you have time maybe try and get out of the house together calm and relaxed and away from screens.

Regarding the new baby, I get where everyone is coming from in that as the messenger gets shot, but if he finds out you knew and didn’t tell him, will he see that as a betrayal?

Maybe broach it carefully, like you’re telling them a secret that way you also have the chance to be there for questions and hugs, and to reaffirm his safety in your family.

At the moment he is not feeling safe in his head, there are too many emotions going on, the impending return to school after so many months is almost certainly not helping either, he has a lot to process.

You also need a break, is there anyway they can have a sleepover with a grandparent or something, hope things get better for you soon. 💐

Their Dads absenteeism and all round crap parenting is neither your or your boys responsibility. However, do not waste your energies trying to engage a disinterested man, it’s a futile pursuit.

Your son needs professional support, his anger can’t be allowed to consume him or his family. At present he has no healthy outlet for his pain and frustration becomes an opportunity to relieve the burden of it all.

DD’s Dad who made a point of having no contact, gleefully popped up announcing that DD was going to be a big sister and then promptly vanished again. What helped DD was supporting her in verbalising her feelings. We were very fortunate in having twice monthly sessions with a child Phycologist when DD was young. At home, I reiterated that her father’s absence has nothing to do with her or me but unfortunately some men treat the responsibility that comes with parenting as an option. DD loves her father but understands that he can’t be relied upon to be around, or honest about not being around. It’s a very hard lesson but hope can be very corrosive if it isn’t rooted in reality.

Prioritise professional support for your son; beg, borrow or sell shit to afford private support.

Oh god OP, what a shit situation for you. What a tragic irony it is that the best way a parent can get a child to idolise them is to never be there, whilst the one who lovesand cares for them unconditionally is demonised.

You are doing so well against such difficult circumstances and with so little support. Take a moment to recognise the astonishing job you're doing! You have compassion for your son but understandably can't cope with his awful behaviour. I wonder if there are books that can help with this situation? It's a very common problem for single mothers who had kids with a deadbeat man, so someone must have written about it. I've found self-help books to be amazing for some of my kids' behavioural issues. Maybe a book might help you broach things in a way that helps effect change?

Wish I could offer more helpful advice but it is all I can think of just now.

Just one thing to remember - as a person with a bit of a screen addiction myself, I often use it as a sort of numbing drug to block out painful thoughts or feelings. The reason your son reacted in the way he did is likely because you took away his numbing drug, protecting him from the pain he is feeling at having been left by his dad. You need to help him find healthier outlets for dealing with his emotions, PP have mentioned therapy for kids, I think this would be a good move. He needs to process his emotions and talk about them rather than pushing them down under a mountain of distractions.

That must be so tough. Feel for you.,Can you put screen time on their tablets? My 12 year old's phone goes off at 8.30 and all he can use then is the phone and text. He is limited to 2 hours a day and once that is up he has to find something else to do. It's the best invention as there are no arguments it just turns off.

I reckon you need to sit them down and tell them about the sibling. If they find out that you knew and didn't tell them, their trust in you is going to be lost. Yes, their dad should have told them, but he hasn't. You need to be honest with them. Even if you phrase it as a "I recently found out..." you don't need to give a reason, you can say "I don't know why dad didn't tell you." you don't need to try to defend him, just be neutral.

I have a 10 year old and he can't sneak devices, as I passcoded them. The gun would probably go in the bin or be confiscated for a long time. Deliberately shooting at people in anger is not ok. I would be asking him how he can replace or repair the damage he has done to the phones. And reiterating that if he's not old enough to control his temper, he's not old enough to use devices. Acknowledge he's upset, angry whatever but that he has to learn not to lash out.

It sounds like you handled it fine op. Good on you for not giving in. He behaved appallingly irrespective of why. Today is another day. Try and do something fun. Tell him you love him but won't tolerate bad behaviour. Tell him you expect an apology from him. Tell him you'll always be there for him no matter what. He's lucky to have such a great Mum.

PP are absolutely right in saying that he can attack you because he is 100% confident that you love him and will never leave him. He is projecting all his hurt and anger at his unreliable absentee dad onto you. It’s irrational and unreasonable and very hurtful and completely understandable.

Given that his dad is an absolute waste of space the burden on you is massive. You don’t just have to be both parents, you have to try and help him manage the wounds his neglectful parent inflicts every time he lets him down. You need to be completely reliable and consistent both in love and in appropriate boundaried discipline.

Set out rules that you think are fair and manageable for you around behaviour, manners and screen time. Screen time should be limited but maybe extended after displays of exceptionally good behaviour. Don’t make a rod for your own back here - screen time gives you peace and quiet so allow it, but make sure they know it’s a reward for good behaviour not a basic human right.

Once that’s done be firm but loving about enforcing the rules. Even when every fibre of your being is screaming ‘let it go’, be firm. Tell them as PPs have suggested ‘I’m being firm about this because I love you‘. Repeat as often as you need to. When they scream they hate you, say “Maybe you do hate me at the moment, but it doesn’t matter because I love you enough for both of us.’ That will reassure them that despite their unbearable feelings you are not going to desert them. Be the strong, reliable loving boundary their dad has failed to be.

IME (psychotherapist working with teenagers), deep down young people know full well which parent truly has their back but to acknowledge that means that the other parent has let them down and that’s often unbearably painful.

Keep telling him you love him. He has one shit parent and he is testing your love for him to make sure you do not reject him too. Make it clear that the behaviour is unacceptable but regardless you love him. Small sanctions if you must to maintain a boundary but do not escalate. This is one mixed-up little boy who is struggling with the emotional baggage left by an absent father.

If dad not going to tell them about their sibling due in a month time could his parents/their grandparents break the news?

I think you need to tell them about the baby.
They won't react well, and I bet Dad intends to just let them find out after the baby is born and to not feel upset.
Tell them you have heard about it and you were hoping their dad would be around to tell them, but you know it is news they need to know as the baby will be here by Christmas.
Tell your children you will answer any questions they have , then take them out to the park for a bit, or just let them chill.

My son was like this for a few years, he punched a hole in the wall etc. he got angry especially around playing computer games.
He did grow out of it and is very emotionally mature since he was 15/16, I just don't want you to think that your son's behavior is outside the normal range in any way- though it's hard to deal with as a single parent, I know.

OP, I understand your upset and frustration, I’ve been there myself. I tried everything from lettting DS do what he liked more or less to being super strict. In the end I went on a parenting course run by the LA. Could you see if any of these are available in your area? It might be hard at the moment, but if you can get yourself on a waiting list it’d be really useful for tracing you coping strategies.

The thing I have found most helpful is to include DS in deciding what punishments he will get if he plays up.
take the pinching the tablet for eg. Me and DS would sit down when everybody was calm and I would tell him that I thought his behaviour was unacceptable, why, and how it made me feel, then I would ask him how he felt about it, whether he thought it was right etc. There might be disagreements but actually when you get them in a calm mood and address it this way they tend to come to the understanding themselves. Then we discussed what we thought the punishment should be the next time he did it. I said what I proposed and asked him what he proposed, whether he thought it was fair etc. Then we came up with a plan, so, if you pinch your tablet after bedtime we have agreed that you won’t have it the next day for example. Then I wrote it down and we both signed it, all official like.

I found this really worked because DS had input into it, we discussed it thoroughly so we both understood each other and we were both clear and in agreement about what the consequences would be.

It might be worth taking this approach with your DC. You’d be surprised how successful it can be. Basically you’re giving constant reinforcement, rather than the damaging intermittent reenforcement that his father gives him. I’m not just talking about rules here, I’m talking about expectations, making sure they know what will happen and why, and staying consistent. Kids will always push at boundaries, that’s what they do, but the fact that there are clear boundaries in place that they understand is what gives them their security.

I do sympathise with you OP, I too had all the anger and frustration taken out on me and it’s awful. You feel like you’re getting the blame and being used as a punching bag.

Good luck, and do consider the parenting course, they’re really helpful.

Maybe take him trampolining or something and tell him “you’ve got a lot of big feelings right now haven’t you. It’s hard when you’ve got feelings that big and can’t get them out. Today we’re going to jump and hit the floor and shout as much as you like and get some of those feelings out.” Then when he’s worn out you can initiate a conversation, help him name his feelings. Let him know it’s safe to have them and you will help him get them out. Let it be all about him. And do something similar with his little brother but maybe if he’s not as physical try painting- throwing colours on a canvas e.g “this is my angry feelings with the red, this is my sad feelings with the blue” let them know that people all feel all of these things, and it’s ok. I hope that helps, good luck Mama you’re doing great.

I used to say that I wished I had a magic wand to help him feel better (or to make his dad behave how he would like him to behave), but unfortunately I didn't have one but I could offer a hug and lots of cuddles instead if that would help.

The magic wand thing was from a parenting book as it is acknowledging that the situation sucks, and you wish you could make it all better for them.

And I found that when the red mist descends and they are really angry, then nothing you say or do will have an effect. You can up the ante on consequences till the cows come home and it won't have the slightest effect.

Eventually I learnt to deal with angry outbursts by saying we will talk about it when everyone is calmer, and then leaving the room. Nine times out of ten, he would come to me after a short while and apologise. We would discuss what had happened and how to avoid it in the future. Sometimes we would agree a consequence, sometimes just talking about it was enough. Always address the issue but wait until they have calmed down and you are also calm enough to talk it through without butting heads.

It takes some effort to walk away and not get involved at the time, when you are emotionally affected, but once I learned to do that, it was a game changer.

Have you read 'How to Talk so children listen' and The Explosive Child @Greycurtiansarenaff?

I really recommend them for giving tools and techniques for defusing situations and developing new ways of communicating as a family.

Your ex is clearly a shitty dad and you can't do anything about that but you can help your kids navigate their complex and difficult emotions around that fact.

A 9 year old smashing phones and kicking doors in...my parents would have locked me in the cellar or the van they had after a severe whack...I was locked in the van once for some hours when I played up.!

And I was once beaten around the head by one of my parents as a punishment for swearing... doesn't mean it was right or good parenting.
None of us have the answers, but locking a distressed child - who most likely is already feeling rejected by one parent- up for hours is definitely not the answer.

Basic functional feedback, the punishment far outweighed the transgression.

It's no wonder he kicked off. A consequence should be respectful and reasonable so Sneaking of tablets to bed = confiscation of tablets.

Not confiscation of everything.

It seems he isn’t coping too well so I would take him to therapy. It will help him understand get things off his chest and maybe some coping mechanisms too, it’s important he doesn’t carry this as his responsibility he must feel highly rejected.

You sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate and it must be so hard to have to be the sole parent all of the time and to still have his father on a pedestal. When he grows up he will know what you’ve done for him, right now he’s just confused.

As for his father having a child if I were you I would leave that news to be delivered from that dad, you don’t want your boys taking their frustrations out on you whilst things are already heated.

Good morning, thank you all for your kind words and advice as well as suggestions for counselling, which I will be looking into as I think we could all definitely benefit from.

Ds came and apologised at 3am, I gave him a kiss and cuddle and said we would talk about it today. He still went to sleep fully clothed clutching his backpack
Its heartbreaking seeing him like that, knowing that I can't really do anything to help him as i can't force his dad to be here or at least be the parent that they both need.

I recieved a response from their dad this morning, saying he "doesn't know when I'm going to call him so he doesn't see why he should answer at that time of the night" I explained that my number calling him 5 times at 11pm at night should indicate there is some sort of issue and that it could have been something more serious as one of them being sick, I've not had a reply to that and don't expect I will!

We have a playdate and lunch planned with a friend and her son today, so that will hopefully take their minds off last night and to let off some steam before school starts tomorrow, which I know they have been both excited and nervous about, as they've missed their friends and routine so much.

As for the baby news I think I will get these next few days at school over with and speak to them at the weekend, they've both got enough to deal with I don't want this to shadow any happy thoughts they have. I've known for about two months and as a pp said I don't want them to think I've been keeping it from them as I'm quite big on not keeping secrets from each other, so I don't want them thinking I'm hiding it and they can't trust me.
I just know that they're going to have alot of questions that I'm not going to be able to answer as I simply don't know what's going to happen.
But as I explained I don't want them to bump into them and just have this child put on them and they react badly then their dad turn on them, as he is that type of person to tell them to fuck off if they don't like something.

Morning @Greycurtiansarenaff I’m glad things are calmer today, it’s worth trying to keep things chill today as last night was emotionally draining for both of you, maybe a Mac Donald’s dvd and early night once you’ve got back from lunch.

Don’t worry about their questions, you have all the important answers, whilst you don’t know what will happen re the dad and new baby, you do know that your little family is unaffected by it, you are still here and will support them in whatever happens in the future, and if dad wants contact etc, you’ll also support them with whatever they want.

Good luck 💐

He smashed your phone and another and kicked the door in. Sounds like someone needs some punishment. Yes he is kicking up because of his dad. But he needs more guidance. Stricter rules more discipline. More consequences. And a whole lotta love too.