Ds packing his bags

[Greycurtiansarenaff]

I'm having a bloody crap week and tonight ds9 has sent me over the edge.

I sent him and his brother to bed at 9pm, but they both snuck their tablets so I confiscated them both along with their playstation and switch, which has then resulted in ds throwing a major fit smashing both mine and his brothers phones.
He's been shooting nerf gun bullets at me for 30 mins saying I'm the worst parent in the world, he hates me and i don't care and his dad is the only parent that shows him love and he wants to live with him. His dad hasn't seen them since June and has called twice in that time, making promises of all the things he's going to do
Ds has called him 6 times and messaged him twice which of course have all gone unanswered, he's packed his bags is fully clothed and is sat waiting for a man that isn't going to turn up. His dad isn't going to take him tonight or any other night as he is due to have a baby with his girlfriend pretty soon, which neither of the DC know about.

I don't really know what to do or to say to him
do I tell him he isn't coming or just leave him to eventually fall asleep upset and only to wake up disappointed again? Also do I say anything about their new sibling, as it doesn't look like their dad is going to tell them.

Smashing 2 phones
Does that mean that they are broken beyond repair now ?

Surely there should be consequences for this behaviour ?
Chores for a set time
Or money paid

If this is not nipped in the bud, what may get broken next time

This sort of behaviour is not tolerated outside the home

PS:
I can understand that it's hard with no help from Dad or wider family
You are doing your best

@SummerL1ght207 both screens are cracked and are still usable, however that's not the point. He has lost all electronics for the rest of the week and I will be sticking to that.

As I said before, I'm a very relaxed but firm parent and have never given into tantrums, so why he thinks that doing this sort of thing won't get him in trouble is beyond me. They both know that if they want something they have to earn it, nothing is given freely. They both have chores to do around the house and earn their pocket money that way.

@Greycurtiansarenaff I just want to say that you sound like a wonderful mother who’s doing the best she can for her kids. :)

Possibly a daft suggestion, but when he's mad is there something he can hit or throw safely? I remember very vividly personally feeling that level of rage, and it's very hard to dissipate in a non violent way, so having a safe violent way to deal with it might be useful. Ripping up newspapers, stamping on empty egg boxes - that sort of thing. Something to discuss with him when he's calm, and maybe have fun testing possibilities together.

OP, you sound like a truly great parent in a very difficult situation.

These items cost money and breaking other people's stuff is not acceptable.

I do think you need to continue to be very firm with him and reinforce boundaries.

Whilst all the time telling him you are there for him and live him.

How exhausting for you.

I think counselling for him is a very good idea.

I hope you have good support IRL too.

Hi OP, you must all be shattered today!

Whilst I agree that actions need consequences it sounds like he's a 9 year-old that's got a LOT going on and anger is usually only the outward manifestation of a lot going on inside. Also if there's anger there's usually anxiety and who wants to punish a child for being anxious without trying to tackle the causes of it?

I have found this picture useful as a note to myself and for talking to my DS at times. It might be worth speaking to school about some of the behaviour and upcoming changes so they can reassure him too. All the best x

@Greycurtiansarenaff you have had some really good advice on here and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job in really difficult circumstances

Just to follow up on what @Throckmorton mentioned about having some kind of 'anger outlet' for your boy. My eldest DS has gone through periods of intense anger (different situation - Asperger diagnosis and associated emotional difficulties) in the past and what really helped him was having a punchbag in the garage that he could use whenever that 'red mist' descended. We had it suspended from a beam in the ceiling and it really, really helped.

What we tried to reinforce is that we understood why he felt angry - that it is natural to feel angry - that physical activity is helpful to calm anger down - BUT that breaking things/hurting people when angry (or ever!) is not acceptable.

Some days all I had to say was 'punchbag, DS' and he'd go off to the garage and you'd hear him pummelling away. Or he'd say 'going to go and punch!' and just take himself off (he recognised very quickly when the punchbag use might be helpful). And then he'd come back - often just a few minutes later - and apologise. It really really helped calm him down.

As I say, different circumstances, your situation is much harder than ours ever was, but just thought I'd forward the suggestion as an option.

If there's any way you can up physical activity, that has a huge effect on anger in kids.

@Wallywobbles they are now back at school and football training twice a week, so hopefully that will help

Maybe get some rest now greycurtains
You sound like a lovely mum.

Poor ds, he just doesn't know how to control those feelings he's having. He will know he will be punished for what he's doing, perhaps he doesn't care, perhaps he just can't help it.
I would eventually tell him that there will be a sibling soon, but nit just yet when just starting back at school. I wouldn't tell him that his dad isn't coming I think that's something they need to realise themselves. If you tell them he's not coming they may take that as you keeping him away from them.

Thank you all again, Its been a long week of alot lof lows but we'll eventually get through it.
I've thought about the baby situation and I'm not going to tell them, I'll just wait and see what happens and cross that bridge when I come to it.

I personally cannot handle the emotional carnage its going to cause right now so it's best I get back on form so I can be there for my dc.
We've still heard nothing of substance from their dad, other than more text messages slagging me off and blaming me for Ds's outbursts and behaviour, yet its taken him 3 daysto even ask what happend or to even ask how their last few days were at school and how they felt about going back. So I suppose as always I'll be his scapegoat I don't mean to sound awful but I do hope he shows himself to his gf who thinks the sun shines out of his arse, exactly who he is once they have their child. He's just awful and I'm so glad I haven't physically seen the man for nearly a year even though he adds so much stress to mine and dcs lives.