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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my parents not always to excuse my brother's children's rough play?

92 replies

PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:32

NC because possibly identifying.

My brother and his wife have three children; we have one DD who's three, the same age as their youngest. We usually see them either at my parents' house (we live far apart and my parents live roughly in the middle), or at a big family meet-up.

The problem is whenever we see them, DD ends up getting hurt. Incidents include her older cousin (aged 5 at the time) hitting her in the face because he was angry with his dad, two of her cousins jumping on top of her and thumping her while she cried (for absolutely no reason, and they seemed to think it was completely normal and were bemused when I pulled them away), and her big cousin (aged 8) repeatedly kicking her.

My DP gets really stressed by it and we both feel as if we spend a lot of time trying to stop DD from getting hurt, and my brother and his wife seem totally oblivious to it being a problem. When we've mentioned it, we get rolling eyes and they imply they think we are pampering DD. SIL has said that she's had negative comments from both school and nursery about their behaviour there, but she seems to mention it in the hope we'll all pipe up to reassure her the children are fine.

Now, I know my nephew goes through periods of refusing to speak to anyone, and that he only has one lad he likes to play with at school, who is in a different form from him. He very often seems to get expected to share everything with both of his sisters, and gets a bit taken for granted. So he's not very happy. I know my parents are a bit worried about him.

Whenever the subject comes up (or even if it hasn't!) my parents insist on telling us that we should realise they've grown up and changed so much since the last visit, or that they're such lovely, kind, gentle children. DD sees much more of her grandparents than her cousins, so every time they talk about her cousins, she gets so excited and talks about how much she wants to see them ... and every time we see them, she gets hurt.

AIBU to think my parents should not automatically excuse my brother's children here?

OP posts:
Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:33

Oops, sorry, that was such an essay and I still didn't make it clear: I think my parents sometimes want to excuse my brother's children because my nephew isn't very happy, but I'm not sure that should be an excuse for everything.

OP posts:
Timeforanotherusername · 01/09/2020 15:37

I suspect it's a bit of both.

There will always be rough and tumble with 3 siblings.

Is your DD around other children at all? Does she have other cousins?

Your DD is an only child so perhaps not used to it.
She shouldn't be hurt and if she is the your DB should be stepping up and giving his kids into trouble.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 01/09/2020 15:37

That doesn't sound like 'rough play'. That sounds like unnecessary violence (especially towards a small child!). Rough play is accidentally getting knocked over for example.

The situation won't improve until the parents accept there is a problem.

Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:40

@Timeforanotherusername, she's in nursery full time, so yes, other children. Her other cousin is fine with her - he's a few years older and obviously doesn't get it right all the time (he's put a football in her face a few times, for example). But it's not constant, and it's not just being rough for the sake of being rough, if that makes sense? She's been hurt by accident but not because he's set out to thump her.

My brother won't step up - he just doesn't see it as an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:41

@Aroundtheworldin80moves, thanks. That's what I'm trying to gauge, partly - whether I'm being a PFB or whether this is excessive.

OP posts:
LyingDogsLie1 · 01/09/2020 15:44

YANBU. A five year old should not be lashing out at other children when tamper tantruming.

Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:47

He wasn't in a temper tantrum, even - he was just cross, and he quietly walked over to DD and hit her. It's not even that he'd lost his temper and she got caught up in it or whatever.

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pussycatinboots · 01/09/2020 15:48

I was kicked in the face by my cousin. He was "playing" apparently Hmm.
Don't put up with it. Keep her with you or don't visit until she's a bit bigger. If you have to visit, make it clear to your Bro that you will knee him in the nuts treat him in the same way his kids treat your DD.

mbosnz · 01/09/2020 15:48

If your brother won't step up, you have to. 'Oi, cut that out! That is not okay! Just because you're angry at X doesn't mean to say you get to hurt DD!' And remove her.

And if brother gets shirt, tell him, I'm not letting my daughter get hurt just because you don't want to step up and educate your children on appropriate behaviour.

RedCatBlueCat · 01/09/2020 15:50

My two do what I call rough play - but that picking each other up, sitting on one for "horse rides", or wrestling on the floor. I'd say 1 time in 10 I step in to try and prevent them hurting each other.
What your describing sounds like hurting each other constantly, not messing about.
Have you seen the siblings interact without your daughter in the mix? Do they treat each other in a similar way? Or are they picking on your daughter?

Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:52

@mbosnz - I do generally do that! I have tried telling them to stop, sitting them down and explaining DD was a bit upset, explaining to my brother that she doesn't like it ... you name it.

It is harder to do when I'm in my parents' home and their line is 'oh, he didn't mean it' or 'oh, everyone is getting out of control, you are all being naughty'.

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Porcupineinwaiting · 01/09/2020 15:52

On the one hand, it would be unusual for 4 children of those ages to play together all day without at least a couple of them being hurt. You do need to keep your dd out of games that are too rough for her, they cant always be expected to accommodate her.

That said, rough play is one thing, kicking and hitting are always wrong. But it's nothing to do with the grandparents, this is between you (as parents) and the parents of the other children. If you dont think they're stepping up, you can intervene directly. Or just dont see them.

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/09/2020 15:55

I have 3 and sometimes they played rough, as PP said, it’s over excitement, dropping each other.

Never intention thumping because they’re cross!!

Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 15:55

@RedCatBlueCat - they are broadly the same with each other, so no, I don't think they are picking on her. They usually seem completely surprised if I stop them, rather than seeming guilty as if they know they did something wrong. On holiday one time we went to a play park with them - the other parents kept taking their children away from them and asking me if they were mine/if I could control them, and my SIL and DB were totally in denial there was anything at all wrong with it.

I really don't get the impression it is just me who notices the way they are, but at the same time, I don't think they are being deliberately nasty or cruel at all. So when my parents insist they're nice children really, I don't know what to say, because I think they probably are, but no one is telling them this really isn't ok.

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Dragongirl10 · 01/09/2020 15:56

I would not tolerate that at all and l am very relaxed about kids sometimes getting hurt.

This is bratty nasty behaviour, and l would probably not meet up with kids present and if that is impossible so be it.

Otherwise you risk your 3 year old getting hurt and thinking her parents don't protect her, either way unacceptable.

I would also let my DB know that his Dcs behaviour is nasty, because it is!

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/09/2020 15:58

Why not ask your mother if it’s ok for you to thump her in the face? Or how would she feel if they sat on her and punched her?

Has it occurred to her that other children don’t like it, hence they don’t have friends?

Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 16:01

@Porcupineinwaiting - well, it concerns my parents in that it's generally their home we're in. Often, my parents instigate meetings between us and they're keen to get us together. I understand that and I see how it would be sad to think your adult children don't get on. And I do know DD likes the idea of having cousins. But, because it's my parents' home, their reaction has a big influence - it's like they're saying 'this behaviour is acceptable here, children'.

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Dozer · 01/09/2020 16:02

I would minimise discussion of your DNs with your parents. Their opinions aren’t important: you and DP get to decide how often to see your DB and family.

And would always ensure that your or DP are there when DD spends time with cousins.

missyB1 · 01/09/2020 16:02

To be honest it doesn’t sound like your brother is ever going to walk up and smell the coffee, because that might involve doing some parenting!
So I would be inclined to limit your child’s contact with them, and when they are together watch like a hawk ready to jump in when you sense them getting too boisterous.
As for your parents try to keep them out of it, they don’t want to be in a difficult position.

Dozer · 01/09/2020 16:03

Your parents might invite you: you have the option to decline.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/09/2020 16:05

YANBU that sounds like much more than rough and tumble and certainly doesn't sound like playing

phoenixrosehere · 01/09/2020 16:05

You have to say something when it happens.

You can’t control your nephew or how his parents react, but you can control how you do and don’t be afraid to step in. He’s able to get away with it because it sounds like no one has stepped in.

Seems like he’s taking his anger out on your DD because he can’t do so to his sisters.

My sons (5, and almost 3) wrestle a bit, but my oldest who has ASD will sometimes go up to his little brother for no known reason when he’s angry and push his head down or shove him. I stop him anyway because I know he could injure him and I don’t want him thinking he can hit anyone because he’s angry.

Your nephew’s behaviour needs to be taken care of. You also don’t want your daughter thinking such behaviour is normal, especially coming from boys.

RedCatBlueCat · 01/09/2020 16:06

It sounds like they dont see anything wrong, so the only way to keep your daughter safe us to keep them apart. If they dont think they are doing wrong, aunty telling them off probably isnt going to achieve much Sad

mbosnz · 01/09/2020 16:07

'Nice children don't hit their littler cousin in the face when they don't get their own way. I know they can be nice, but that was not being nice, and trying to excuse that behaviour is letting them down, better to educate them that this is not nice behaviour, and won't be excused. That's not doing them any favours, now is it, how will they learn?'

Original poster
PastaForLunchAgain · 01/09/2020 16:10

Your parents might invite you: you have the option to decline.

@Dozer - we very often do. We don't see them that often. But, as I say, I do understand my parents wanting us to get together, and I also understand DD wanting to know her cousins. I know there's a MN fashion for saying 'oh, go NC with them!,' but I just don't feel that's where we are. It's not that I think my nieces and nephew are monsters, or my DB and SIL are evil - I just think there's a problem here, and my parents' best efforts to keep things calm with my brother are actually working out in such a way as to make DD potentially feel she's the less-loved grandchild who always has to accept what her cousins do to her.

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