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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend advice please.

122 replies

Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:31

I have been with my partner for 4 years. We have lived together for 2. Very happy normally. A couple of months ago he was going fishing on his day off or so he told me. Long story short I found out he was actually going hiking all day with a female colleague. He didn't tell me because he thought I would say no!?
I completely lost trust in him and we nearly split. Iam still working on trusting him again. He just announced that about 7 colleagues are going camping in October for the weekend and one of them is this woman.
I have said absolutely not.. A deal breaker for me. He is adamant he wants to go.
I can see his point. I don't believe anything is going on with the woman and its a shame for him to miss out on the trip but I just can't get over what happened and that tjis woman was also in on the lie. And in fact has been bad mouthing me to people.
Please help mumsnet tears. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 31/08/2020 20:32

He shouldn’t have lied. Are you 100% other people are going?

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 20:34

How do you know she was bad mouthing you? What was she saying? And no I wouldn't be happy about that either

Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:34

Yes he has shown me the group chat.

OP posts:
Thehop · 31/08/2020 20:37

You can’t stop him going.

You just need to decide if you want to stay with someone you can’t trust.

I couldn’t

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 20:37

why was she talking about you?

Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:37

We have a mutual friend who told me this woman was saying I was a control freak and that partner could do better. It was through the mutual friend that I found out about the lie.

OP posts:
Florencex · 31/08/2020 20:37

And what does he say on the group chat? I cannot imagine ever being in a situation where anyone would be badmouthing a colleagues significant other?

I didn’t think the camping trip with seven others was something I would object to if you are sure there are seven of them going and you are sure there is nothing going on.

Paul72 · 31/08/2020 20:38

I don't like the idea of him bad mouthing you to others, that is bad and might be a reason to leave him.
As for the camping trip, why aren't you going? It is a group so why don't you go along as well? I'd not consider going camping without my DW. as we do things together, sometimes just us but often as part of a group.

Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:38

Yes I agree I can't stop him going. But iam considering leaving him if he does. It's all hurt me that deeply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:40

No partners allowed apparently. I do heavily suspect this woman does like my partner.

OP posts:
Hanab · 31/08/2020 20:40

No trust = no relationship

He dug his hole ...

Is he worth the aggravation? Is it worth wondering what he is upto and with whom? Don’t waste your time and emotions on someone who blatantly lied and now still wants to go again on a trip with said person who also is judgemental without knowing YOU .. ( or does she)

Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:41

No she has never met me.

OP posts:
Calic0 · 31/08/2020 20:41

He should not have lied.

But I’m wondering what the dynamics are like in the relationship in the first place that made him think a lie was preferable? If my DH came home and told me he was going hiking with a female colleague I’d ask him what he wanted in his sarnies. What did he think your reaction would be?

Bottom line though - if there is no trust there is no relationship.

Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:42

It's so hard to leave. We have been together 4 yrs. We are planning marriage next Yr. And I do love him but sick of feeling like this.

OP posts:
bigchris · 31/08/2020 20:42

Have you got kids together ?

If not I'd cut and run

Ohtherewearethen · 31/08/2020 20:44

Hmm. Are you a control freak? I'm not at all condoning this woman's behaviour but I do wonder what your boyfriend is saying to her that would make her think you are controlling. If he is feeding into this assumption then there is obviously a problem in your relationship.

CooperLooper · 31/08/2020 20:44

Gosh if he's prioritising a work camping trip over your emotional well-being and trust in the relationship (which is broken because of his lie in the first place) and presumably not sticking up for you and defending you when she's bad mouthing you - why are you with him?

Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:44

No kids yet. I had a miscarriage last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:46

Cooper looper that's exactly what iam thinking. He has seen me cry for days over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:48

I don't think iam a control freak at all. It's only because the trust has gone that I have any problem now. He actually has a work night out right now with colleagues including this woman. Iam OK with that it's just the overnight I have a problem with

OP posts:
Hanab · 31/08/2020 20:51

There is definitely more going on that meets the eye .. your best bet is asking him outright what is going on..
why is she so important to him and that he has to lie to you about spending time with her ..

Brace yourself if he answers with something you are not expecting..

Stay strong OP .. if his head has turned better knowing now than when you are married even though it won’t hurt less 🌷

ShandlersWig · 31/08/2020 20:52

Honestly, I'd seriously think about if this was the man I wanted to marry.

This is meant to be the fun part, the easy times.

And who camps in October? It'll be freezing!!!

You can find better.

AlrightTreacle · 31/08/2020 20:56

He didn't tell me because he thought I would say no!?

Sneaky bastard trying to turn it around on you, he didn't tell you cos he knew what he was doing was a bit a shifty.

ChasingRainbow · 31/08/2020 20:58

Im a little confused. If you havent met his female friend then surely she could only be calling you controlling if HE said that about you...to her? Im sorry but that is what the deal breaker for me would be, IF (and i say if because im not sure) thats what he has done. You say you see his side. Can he see yours?

isadoradancing123 · 31/08/2020 20:59

She fancies him and he is not discouraging her