Boyfriend advice please.

[Sall85]

I have been with my partner for 4 years. We have lived together for 2. Very happy normally. A couple of months ago he was going fishing on his day off or so he told me. Long story short I found out he was actually going hiking all day with a female colleague. He didn't tell me because he thought I would say no!?
I completely lost trust in him and we nearly split. Iam still working on trusting him again. He just announced that about 7 colleagues are going camping in October for the weekend and one of them is this woman.
I have said absolutely not.. A deal breaker for me. He is adamant he wants to go.
I can see his point. I don't believe anything is going on with the woman and its a shame for him to miss out on the trip but I just can't get over what happened and that tjis woman was also in on the lie. And in fact has been bad mouthing me to people.
Please help mumsnet tears. Am I overreacting?

Well, if you let him go home to mummy, this girl instantly becomes her problem and I think you get your revenge all round.

And camping in October sounds so grim that it can only be some kind of excuse, unless they are all into extreme sports. It was bad enough in August.

Cut up the credit card before he goes though. In front of him.

Also, have you tried imagining him looking like shrek and considering if you’d be quite so forgiving of the lies and disloyalty.

I'm going to use a line I've seen on MN before here:

He's not on your team.

2. He lied because you have form for being upset if he does things with women and would have thrown a complete fit. In which case, the trust issues are more deep seated and need to be dealt with.

My previous relationship had this issue. When I met up with female friends I had known for years I would be in the dog house for a few days. It was exhausting having to explain that these people were former course mates, flat mates, work colleagues etc and that there was nothing going on. I ended up lying when I met them. I knew it was wrong at the time to lie but equally I did not want to have a huge argument either for the crime of meeting good friends. Needless to say we did not last long. As others have said if there is no trust there then what's the point.

What kind of picture has he painted of you for a) his parents to ask if he is safe (read: you're in tears) and the work colleague to say you're a control freak (read: he lied to you).

The evidence is there that he does not care much about you.
His family sound awful (because he has given them a heavily edited version of the goings on, so are going to side with him..and they'll soon be your onlaws).

Listen to your gut (and the evidence), is he really worth a lifetime of heartache? It's going to be really painful, of course it is, but carrying on will not give you the happiness, and trust, you deserve.

Lordy OP is this drama still going?

Why are you letting this carry on? Surely you can see that this is beyond dead in the water. There's nothing for you here.

Take control, get rid. Stop waiting around for him to figure out if he wants you or not!!

honestly OP I'd break up with him for his constant bitching about you/entertaining other people who bitch about you, who wants to be with someone who doesn't even have your back?

He didn't tell you about the hiking trip because he thought you'd say "no" but he doesn't think he should do what you tell him because he wants to go on this other trip.

And then his mum?

Split now. Use contraception until he is out of your life because the MIL from hell will always be in your life if you don't. Just walk away and don't look back.

The trust is gone. Your relationship is dead. You can cling to it for a while or you can send him back to mummy now.

Bottom line, you want different things. You want somebody you can trust. He wants to badmouth you to his friends and lie to your face.

Don't be sad; be mad. And get rid.

Leaving aside the trust matter...if that is possible

Perhaps what you have here is a boy in what is a man's role. Are you sure he is ready to be a dad? (Can you imagine your own Dad behaving like this when you were born?)

There he is trying to get away with being in one place and telling you he is in another -as if he is a naughty boy and you his mum.

He wants to be allowed out to play rather than being in with you. (While he is still young.)

He complains to his friends about your treatment of him. (I hear Kevin the teen: 'She is sooo unfair'.)

He brings his parents into this relationship as if he can't manage his part. (Has he asked teacher as well? )

Are you ready to be the only grownup?

Also (read your updates):

1. You're not "throwing it all away on a camping trip" - you're maintaining your perfectly reasonable boundaries about not being lied to and not being badmouthed. NB: this crap argument is what cheaters say All The Time: not that the cheated threw it all away on an affair, but that the cheatee [unfairly] didn't allow this to continue.

1. This ⬆️ is classic abuser-speak. Fuck him and the mum he rode in on. Seriously! I am LIVID on your behalf. How dare they try to turn your desire for a normal trusting relationship into you being some abusive [dangerous, even!] harpy?!? And it's getting to you! You're starting to doubt your own self worth. Please - PLEASE! - stop doing this to yourself. Btw, read Chumplady's website.

1. Following on from that, you excuse yourself (as not a [psycho]) as you're a trainee solicitor. Ha! 😁 Hey, look, in my 20+ years in the legal field, I can't say that's an infallible argument. 🤪 But what IS important to note is that you're in a very important stage of your career. The very last thing you need is to lose your focus because some fuckwit is creating drama or being needy. I spotted that you've been supportive of his career - what the fuck has he done to support you?

3.a. Far be it from me to make reproductive suggestions, and YMMV, but I seriously doubt that at this stage of your career, planning a child, even with a nice normal supportive partner, isn't necc the best thing. Makes me wonder if the baby isn't mostly->entirely his idea.

3.b. I am really very curious about his career you've helped with, division of finances/bills, chores, etc. I have a funny feeling I know the answer already...

You sound brilliant! Smart and sensible and lovely-minded. And it sounds as though your good qualities have been used against you. Start, today, to grab your lovely self back from the users.

@ErrmWTAF

Also (read your updates):

1. You're not "throwing it all away on a camping trip" - you're maintaining your perfectly reasonable boundaries about not being lied to and not being badmouthed. NB: this crap argument is what cheaters say All The Time: not that the cheated threw it all away on an affair, but that the cheatee [unfairly] didn't allow this to continue.

1. This ⬆️ is classic abuser-speak. Fuck him and the mum he rode in on. Seriously! I am LIVID on your behalf. How dare they try to turn your desire for a normal trusting relationship into you being some abusive [dangerous, even!] harpy?!? And it's getting to you! You're starting to doubt your own self worth. Please - PLEASE! - stop doing this to yourself. Btw, read Chumplady's website.

1. Following on from that, you excuse yourself (as not a [psycho]) as you're a trainee solicitor. Ha! 😁 Hey, look, in my 20+ years in the legal field, I can't say that's an infallible argument. 🤪 But what IS important to note is that you're in a very important stage of your career. The very last thing you need is to lose your focus because some fuckwit is creating drama or being needy. I spotted that you've been supportive of his career - what the fuck has he done to support you?

3.a. Far be it from me to make reproductive suggestions, and YMMV, but I seriously doubt that at this stage of your career, planning a child, even with a nice normal supportive partner, isn't necc the best thing. Makes me wonder if the baby isn't mostly->entirely his idea.

3.b. I am really very curious about his career you've helped with, division of finances/bills, chores, etc. I have a funny feeling I know the answer already...

You sound brilliant! Smart and sensible and lovely-minded. And it sounds as though your good qualities have been used against you. Start, today, to grab your lovely self back from the users.

3B... I can take a wild guess too!

Have you posted about this before? It sounds so familiar.

Honestly, Leave him. Youre a trainee solicitor. It is your house. He is actively disrespecting you. His parents are a nightmare towards you. YOU CAN DO BETTER!

He's a headfuck for sure

YABU for trying to tell him what he can and can't do (end it if you do not trust him). He is being unreasonable for lieing to you, but you forgave him so that's done now.

"I've been thinking. You are right, go on the trip. And when your mother starts slagging her off the same as she has me, maybe you will get it. See ya"

Seriously, fucking dump him.

Don’t want to hijack the thread...but why would someone essentially lie about / slag off / paint in a bad way, someone they are supposed to love? In this case, the Mum May be a total nutter of course and perhaps all he’s done is vent and she’s just extremely over dramatic and nasty but it does sound a bit more than that. I know abusers often paint their victims in a bad way but the OP hasn’t mentioned anything like this. Is it something man children do to get attention ? Asking because something very similar happened to me.

who pays your bills?

Just curious on your finances

@Calic0

He should not have lied.

But I’m wondering what the dynamics are like in the relationship in the first place that made him think a lie was preferable? If my DH came home and told me he was going hiking with a female colleague I’d ask him what he wanted in his sarnies. What did he think your reaction would be?

Bottom line though - if there is no trust there is no relationship.

Agree. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to begin with, OP. Jealousy is highly unattractive. As is drama.

@Sall85

Cooper looper that's exactly what iam thinking. He has seen me cry for days over this.

If you are crying for days you need, with all due respect, professional counseling. Nothing that tragic has taken place here.

If you weren't so insecure, none of this would really bother you.

@Sall85

He lied because he knew I wouldn't like it him going out for the day with the woman he spends all day with at work on his one day off. I admit that. I wouldn't have liked it. He told me weeks earlier that she had been pressing him to take her fishing for the day.. His hobby.. She has never fished. We laughed about it and he told me he would never and its a bit weird that she asked. So I never thought a thing about it again.

Have you been extremely insecure / jealous throughout the relationship OP? If so, I kind of get why he might lie. However the telling you she was pressing to take her fishing and then saying it was weird...not so sure...do you think he was trying to drop hints that she fancied him and that triggered your insecurity given what followed? Maybe it’s triangulation and he’s wanting to set you up as a crazy, possessive type..that would also explain his Mums bizarre response.

I think if my partner said he was off hiking for the day with a female friend I’d think great, a day for me to do my own thing and hope they had a nice time but this wasn’t what happened in your case.