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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend advice please.

122 replies

Sall85 · 31/08/2020 20:31

I have been with my partner for 4 years. We have lived together for 2. Very happy normally. A couple of months ago he was going fishing on his day off or so he told me. Long story short I found out he was actually going hiking all day with a female colleague. He didn't tell me because he thought I would say no!?
I completely lost trust in him and we nearly split. Iam still working on trusting him again. He just announced that about 7 colleagues are going camping in October for the weekend and one of them is this woman.
I have said absolutely not.. A deal breaker for me. He is adamant he wants to go.
I can see his point. I don't believe anything is going on with the woman and its a shame for him to miss out on the trip but I just can't get over what happened and that tjis woman was also in on the lie. And in fact has been bad mouthing me to people.
Please help mumsnet tears. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Mamadoll · 03/09/2020 11:12

MIL from hell alert, OP. Run, fast.

ChasingRainbow · 03/09/2020 11:13

@Sall85 Im sorry for what you are going through...but, heres a few things to think about:

As others have said, this guy seems to waste no time in painting you as the bad guy to really anyone that will listen.
Im also concerned that he feels as close/ comfortable talking to his parents about you as he does with this girl. Thats a degree of (over) familiarity with her I would not be comfortable with. No to mention, that on the surface, this guy does not seem to love you, or at least, he seems to enjoy giving out about you.

Now, while his mums texts might cause you offence, however, you do not know what exactly he has said to her. She, being his parent is acting protectively to her son, so i dont see anything wrong with that as such.
May I ask how you know the content of her texts to your OH?

Hope you are okay.
Thinks always work out for the better, just sometimes not in the way we think. ❤

CorrectileDysfunction · 03/09/2020 11:14

Why do you think they are worried about his safety?

RedHelenB · 03/09/2020 11:15

Crying all night is extreme and I think in the basis of that you do sound controlling. Issuing ultimatum isnt the way to go
You're getting advice here, why shouldn't he ask his parents?

You dont seem suited, you're young plenty of time to find the type of boyfriend who will make you feel secure.

Original poster
Sall85 · 03/09/2020 11:15

Thanks. He showed me the texts last night.

OP posts:
CorrectileDysfunction · 03/09/2020 11:16

Sorry just read your next post- in that case his DM seems very dramatic RE the 'are you safe' messages

Meruem · 03/09/2020 11:16

So he knows what his mum is like and yet deliberately involved her in an issue between you and him. That isn't on and would make me worry for the future. Is he going to go running to mummy every time there's a problem? The lie was the problem but he's compounded that by badmouthing you to people. You are now in a no win situation, if he does go on the trip he's trampled all over your feelings. If he doesn't, then it's all set up to make you look the bad guy. I'm not really sure how this can be resolved.

Original poster
Sall85 · 03/09/2020 11:17

I honestly have no idea why they would ask him if he was safe? It's totally bizarre.

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 03/09/2020 11:19

My understanding is that she has slagged you off to your mutual female friend (and not on group chat). Is that correct?

Now that you have issued your ultimatum, you need to ensure you follow through on it otherwise he will always take you for a fool.

I think you need to re-assess your relationship anyway. If you marry him he won't suddenly stop being a liar. Do you want to marry someone who tells others, behind your back, that you are controlling?

Whatever you do, please don't have a child with this man unless you have sorted out your issues which, unfortunately, I don't think can be sorted.

CorrectileDysfunction · 03/09/2020 11:19

Either way I think you need to break up.

You sound like you have trust issues, and regardless of the cause. It could be due to him being sneaky and disrespectful, or you being initially distrustful which made him feel the need to lie- or a combination. You need to be with someone who doesn't lie to you, and who you don't feel the need to control.

Maybe talk to a friend about your feelings too, so that you can work through them.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/09/2020 11:20

It's only because the trust has gone that I have any problem now
Yet he felt he couldn't tell you the truth in the first place and now you are proving his reservations by telling him he can't go.

It's easy to say now that you would have been absurdly fine with him going hiking with her if he'd been honest, but the likelihood from how you are reacting now is that you wouldn't have been ok at all 3ven though it was innocent.

My OH regularly goes cycling with a female colleague. I cycle too but she is much stronger than I, and sometimes it both of them have days off. I'm absolutely fine with it so he has no reasons to lie. If I gave him hard time, maybe he would lie because why should he be restricted with his entertainment because of my insecurities?

CorrectileDysfunction · 03/09/2020 11:20

Excuse the rogue 'and' in my last post....

Original poster
Sall85 · 03/09/2020 11:21

I don't think he should have involved his parents because they have an agenda. To get rid of me. For him to move back home. His mum is extremely possessive of him and I don't even think it's me who is a problem.. It would be any woman he was with.
I haven't told my family.. But I asked for advice here because iam assuming mumsnetters won't have an agenda and I need non biased advice.

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 03/09/2020 11:22

Personally I would leave him to it. It’s quite clear that this woman likes him and he either reciprocates or likes the attention. He seems very immature and is doing nothing to rectify the situation he has caused.

He shouldn’t have brought his dp into the situation but he seems to be attempting to push the narrative that you are controlling and therefore unreasonable. He is gathering ‘evidence’ to present to you, from people who have only heard his side, to push you into letting him do what he wants. It is manipulative.

Op he has created a situation where you can’t win. If you allow this to continue you are a mug, if you try and stop him you are controlling. He doesn’t care about your feelings. I would send him back to his dps with a smile on your face.

DianaT1969 · 03/09/2020 11:23

I think the damage is done OP. Regardless of whether he goes or not, he will always resent you for spoiling his fun and embarrassing him in front of his colleagues (under the thumb etc).
You are young without DC. Sorry, but it seems time to move on to someone you are more compatible with. You could string this out for another 9 months, but the result is the same - only with more precious time wasted.
I think you'll find he'll jump at the chance of being single again.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 03/09/2020 11:23

After seeing your updates, I would just call it quits and tell him to move home to mummy where he can be as safe as he likes.
What the hell has he been telling her? Is he some kind of compulsive liar or Walter Mitty character?

You don't need her as a MIL.

Original poster
Sall85 · 03/09/2020 11:27

Yes she slagged me off to mutual friend. Not on a group chat.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/09/2020 11:29

I had a post ready to type up, but as I read down through your posts I changed my mind.

He doesn't need to be talked to, to be treated like an adult.

He needs to be sent home to his mum.

You said he moved in with you? Good, that means he can be moved back out with little fuss. Just tell him to go home. You don't need such drama in your life. Like everyone else you deserve someone who adds to your happiness, not someone who deliberately manufactures discord!

reader12 · 03/09/2020 11:31

I wouldn’t marry a man who bitched about me to his mum, never mind all the sketchy colleague stuff. It think you’re much better off out of it. Imagine having kids with him, all the new ways MIL could find to criticise and make your life a misery, and him never sticking up for you! Not a good situation to choose.

SpaceOP · 03/09/2020 11:37

The question is why did he feel the need to lie to you in the first place? Because that's clearly the root of your problems.

  1. He lied because he's a natural liar who secretly has a bit of a thing for this woman and thought you'd sense it and even if it was innocent, he knew his feelings weren't completely innocent. In which case, clearly this isn't a long term relationship anyway.
  1. He lied because you have form for being upset if he does things with women and would have thrown a complete fit. In which case, the trust issues are more deep seated and need to be dealt with.
Original poster
Sall85 · 03/09/2020 11:41

He lied because he knew I wouldn't like it him going out for the day with the woman he spends all day with at work on his one day off. I admit that. I wouldn't have liked it. He told me weeks earlier that she had been pressing him to take her fishing for the day.. His hobby.. She has never fished. We laughed about it and he told me he would never and its a bit weird that she asked.
So I never thought a thing about it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sall85 · 03/09/2020 11:43

It was my day off too and we could have planned something together but he told me he was going fishing alone for the day.. Which of course I didn't mind at all. I had work to get on with that day anyway.

OP posts:
SirGawain · 03/09/2020 11:44

@Ohtherewearethen

Hmm. Are you a control freak? I'm not at all condoning this woman's behaviour but I do wonder what your boyfriend is saying to her that would make her think you are controlling. If he is feeding into this assumption then there is obviously a problem in your relationship.
It's sod all to do with this woman whether OP is a controll freak' or has three head fot that matter!!
FatCatThinCat · 03/09/2020 11:46

He showing you his mum's messages to manipulate you. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even sound like he cares about you. You don't trust him because he's shown himself to be untrustworthy and to be honest, if you've reached the point of ultimatums then your relationship is over either way.

Tell him to fuck off to his mummy and find yourself a man who thinks you're the best thing in his life and puts everyone else behind you, not ahead of you.

Humbersider · 03/09/2020 11:51

He lied because he knew I wouldn't like it him going out for the day with the woman he spends all day with at work on his one day off. I admit that. I wouldn't have liked it.

Yeah, he fancies her. Been there - got the T-shirt.

Your relationship is doomed. Better just face that now. Clean break. No more crying for days, no more headfuck.