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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious

117 replies

dderrick · 31/08/2020 13:58

We took our 1 year old to a marine lake, and there's a small paddling pool next to it. We took her socks off & she was paddling in the water. There were 2 small boys running around naked. As I was holding my daughter I noticed an old guy, in his 70s arrive alone & sat down. His head must have been on a swivel, as he was following the boys movement intently. My wife was about to get our daughter undressed, but I picked her up & turned away. I whispered about the guy to her.
At that point he got up & as he walked away, he stopped as if to talk to another couple, but they just blanked him.
My wife says he was probably just a harmless old chap, and they don't always think what they're doing.
I suspect he was watching children deliberately. AIBU to suspect this given his behaviour? I was going to go over & ask "Are you here with anyone?", Would that be the best way to handle it? It's all a bit new to us.

OP posts:

BronwenFrideswide · 31/08/2020 19:55

dderrick so it was okay for you to watch the two young boys running around naked and you expect no-one to make any untoward assumptions about you even though you are male.

locked2020 · 31/08/2020 20:27

@Oldbagface

I don't agree with most posters here and wouldn't have undressed my DC in that situation either.

Instinct and all that.

He may have been a harmless old chap, he may have been a peadophile. Who knows.

This

Patbutcherismyhero · 31/08/2020 20:33

I get the protective new parent thing. We al want to look out for our kids naturally.

But it's this sort of attitude and assumptions that is really damaging for people. I've seen people lynched on social media for 'watching kids'. I've been men with learning difficulties labelled weird and creepy for 'following girls' (just walking on the same side of the path as them). It's really sad and unfair. Yes there are bad people, but not everyone is bad.

If you had approached that man you probably would have really damaged him emotionally and made him frightened to go out in that setting again. How is that fair?

Original poster

dderrick · 31/08/2020 21:03

@Soubriquet

A 1 year old is not new dad territory

That’s like up to 3 months

This situation is new territory, she's not been out in a situation like this before.

OP posts:

Original poster

dderrick · 31/08/2020 21:04

@BronwenFrideswide

dderrick so it was okay for you to watch the two young boys running around naked and you expect no-one to make any untoward assumptions about you even though you are male.

Nice try, but I wasn't watching them.

OP posts:

Original poster

dderrick · 31/08/2020 21:05

@Patbutcherismyhero

I get the protective new parent thing. We al want to look out for our kids naturally.

If you had approached that man you probably would have really damaged him emotionally and made him frightened to go out in that setting again. How is that fair?

That's why I'm asking, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 21:21

That man will be you in 50 years. You’ll be sitting in a park watching some kids run around innocently and remembering when your wee girl did the same.

Patbutcherismyhero · 31/08/2020 21:21

@dderrick In that scenario you do nothing because he was doing nothing wrong. He was sat in a public space watching kids enjoy themselves. That's not a crime. Maybe he was a pervert, maybe he was just a lonely old man. There's no possible way of knowing so you give him the benefit of the doubt and leave him alone. And try not to make stereotypical assumptions. Think about whether or not you would have been as concerned or even noticed had it been a different demographic.

Oldbagface · 31/08/2020 21:26

@dderrick You can't win on here. I don't know what it is about MN but there appears to be a cohort of people who either like to see a vulnerability and jump on it or argue for arguments sake.

As I said in my PP I think you acted in a rational manner

As said, instinct.

You sound like a good father. My DH would have been the same.

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 21:28

And you were watching the boys. You watched them enough to notice they were naked.

Patbutcherismyhero · 31/08/2020 21:29

@Oldbagface a rational manner for what? The man wasn't doing anything. You can't just go around accusing people of being perverts because they are a certain age, certain sex and happen to be sat in a public park.

Oldbagface · 31/08/2020 21:31

He didn't accuse though did he? He decided to give his DP the heads up to not undress their DC.

WE would've done the same.

Ivybutterfly · 31/08/2020 21:31

I would have been suspicious. Anyone watching naked children playing clearly has some issues. If he was not with anyone and at a place where children and families hang out I definitely think that is creepy.

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 21:35

The man was doing nothing wrong

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/08/2020 21:36

I think it's weird that people let their kids run around naked in public to be honest. I would never do that with DS.

Anyway YABU.

Patbutcherismyhero · 31/08/2020 21:38

@Oldbagface no but he was considering going and asking the man if he was there with anyone. Wtf difference does that make? He has as much right to be in the park as anyone else.

Totally up to the op if he didn't feel comfortable having his child naked in a public place. I don't disagree with that. But it's wrong to make assumptions on someone based on their age/sex and it's even worse to consider confronting based on that assumption.

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 21:39

If you don’t want people to see your kids running around naked In a public place, maybe keep some clothes on them?

Oldbagface · 31/08/2020 21:45

Considered. Didn't confront. So you agree with me?

Yes yes to keeping your DC's clothes on in public which is what the OP did do.

itsgettingweird · 31/08/2020 21:48

@dderrick

The thread was about AIBU, the consensus is I was. As a new dad, I'm still trying to get it right, feeling overprotective maybe something to redress. For all the useful advice, thank you. For those just looking for an argument, to quote Monty Python "you want room 12A, Just along the corridor."

I think what you have to rationalise here is the harm he was doing and the harm that could be done.

Whether his behaviour was or wasn't innocent anybody can watch a child who is naked in public.

Whether that is in the actual place or from a distance.

From a distance and hidden from view they can actually do damage as can take photos. Obviously this is very unlikely because despite what some people believe I don't believe there really is a paedophile on every street corner.

But in public the harm was to you. You felt uncomfortable. The children obviously didn't as they were happily playing oblivious.

Many parents are happy for children to be naked in public and many aren't.

As your DD is getting older and wanting to explore more and more I'd just make sure to take a few spare leggings and t shirts etc out with you so she can get wet and muddy in a way you feel comfortable with and she can be changed afterwards to go home.

She'll be far more affected by your discomfort around places and removing her from having fun.

Patbutcherismyhero · 31/08/2020 21:50

@Oldbagface well yes but he came here to ask if he was being unreasonable in wanting to confront him and the vast majority believe that he was. So I don't think it's fair to say people want to argue for arguments sake. And I think stereotypes and unfair judgements should always be challenged personally.

Agree that kids shouldn't be naked in a public place like a park full stop.

RiverMeadow · 31/08/2020 21:54

Why the fuck were 2 small boys running around naked in a public place and why would your wife go to get your daughter undressed????

This absolutely infuriates me.

Same as people who let their kids run naked on a beach, anyone could be there watching. It's not hard to put a swimsuit on a child

Oldbagface · 31/08/2020 21:58

I agree. Mine have never been naked in public. Even when they were small they would wear bathing gear in the padding pool in the back garden.

Mine are mostly adults now so if they were in the nude in public they would be arrested

FOKKYFC · 31/08/2020 22:00

How sad. From what you've said, it sounds like you intimidated him into leaving the park, and when he tried to exchange a pleasantry or two with another couple - possibly trying to restore their faith in humanity in the face of being embarrassed - they were fucking rude, too. Nice place you live.

Also - point me to the statute which says a lone elderly man has to be able to prove to some random, that he's a) with someone at the park, and b) who that is? They're public spaces.

Elderly people try and talk to me all the time, often when I'm with my kids. I imagine they're any combination of: lonely; isolated; poor; depressed; kindly; interested. I don't usually think they're perverts.

AlrightTreacle · 31/08/2020 22:03

You would be very unreasonable to say anything to him, and what would that achieve anyway?

He could be a paedophile (doubt he is), or he could be a lonely old man whose only social interaction is to sit on that bench and watch families with their kids. It's not his fault that the parents are happy to let their kids run around naked in public.

AlrightTreacle · 31/08/2020 22:06

Would that be the best way to handle it? It's all a bit new to us.

Don't get your kid naked in public?

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