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Original poster

Male friend over reacting at being left out?

106 replies

lonelylou09 · 30/08/2020 22:58

So a few years ago I joined a local dog group who have same breed of dogs as I do, and made some friends on there who I would meet up with occasionally, usually a big group of us causing mayhem on a beach with a million dogs 🤣🤣
The group was headed by an older guy with his female friend and Through them I made a good friend, my age with 2 dog's so we would sometimes meet up without the group either on our own or with our dogs.
We've had similar experiences with anxiety and depression so we've bonded over that and tried to be there for each other and it's been nice to meet up now and then away from the group so we can chat.
The main guy of the group has been amazing so far with us both, supported us, cheered us both up and arranged meet ups either with one or both of us, along with the other lady and anyone else who wants to join.
He mentioned a little while ago that we haven't met up for ages due to covid so we chatted online between us all about sorting something out after the bank holiday, we live in a seaside place and it's just been far too busy.
Last night my friend messaged asking what I was doing today as she's having a hard time at the moment so I said nothing let's meet up. We arranged for her to come to mine with the dogs, walk them then back to mine for a cuppa and chat after once the dogs where calm 🤣🤣
We had a lovely couple of hours and took some photos for Facebook.
Not long after she gets a sarcastic message from main guy saying 'thanks for the invite'
He then sent me the same thing... Basically making out we had deliberately left him out.
She was annoyed saying we had done nothing wrong so I messaged him to say ' sorry, not intentional, we just wanted some girlie time to chat and it was a last minute thing' not like the usual big beach meet up.

Now he's unfriended both of us and removed us from the dog group page.
My friend is fuming and very hurt as she's spent a lot of time with him and his family, I'm upset as it seems a massive over reaction.
So were we being unreasonable to not have invited him or is he being totally unreasonable to get so upset about it?
Obviously we didn't see an issue with arranging a dog walk just the 2 of us as we've done before and not hidden it. But we seem to have really upset him for him to unfriend us both and remove us from the group.
I'm so confused and feel like we've done nothing wrong but hate thinking I've upset someone who has previously been very kind towards me.
It's just really ruined what was a nice day

OP posts:
nosswith · 31/08/2020 10:06

One of the things I learnt as a man from my mum and in particular from one of my grandmothers was the value of female friendship they have, and others do.

You were not being unreasonable and explained things politely.

Consideredopinion · 31/08/2020 10:13

I'd give him a second chance if the friendship meant a lot to you, these are weird times

GammyLeg · 31/08/2020 10:41

Is anyone else wanting to know more about the cutthroat world of rival samoyed gangs?

Seriously though OP, the man is a twat. He got a kick out of being the lord of the samoyeds and you took the wind out of his sails by not begging him to join you and your friend.

TantricTwist · 31/08/2020 10:53

What a weirdo esp considering his age.

Can you try and go back to the original larger dog group?

I bet they'll welcome with you both with open arms with lots of stories to tell about his strange behaviour.

Definitely don't get in touch with him again, he sounds very controlling.

SpaceOP · 31/08/2020 10:56

I'm actually beyond shocked that people think this man has even a tiny leg to stand on? Isn't the entire point of hobby/special interest groups that you get together as a larger group to share/experience/discuss whatever it is AND that you get the opportunity to meet likeminded people who are therefore potentially your good friends? I mean, If I ran a group like that I'd be thrilled if it turned out betty and mary could become great friends.

This is male entitlement at it's worst - he feels he owns you and anything to do with the two of you together. Do not give in and please just move on with your lovely new friend.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 31/08/2020 11:01

OP,
This is the thing with a lot of groups - things go to the head of the 'leader'. Clearly he is controlling and so you are probably better off not being around him. Hope you'll find some other dogs for yours to enjoy spending time with soon.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay

I withdrew from a whatsapp group last week - I was feeling a bit down; in retrospect I got things a bit out of proportion and probably wouldn't have taken it so personally if not feeling a bit isolated, but it's done now.
Doesn't have to be. If you can put on MN that you got things a bit out of proportion you can surely say that to your WhatsApp group. Try it. I'd think a lot of someone who was prepared to admit a mistake.

Riojasmoothy · 31/08/2020 11:04

Exactly what @SpaceOP said!
He is a silly man trying to control "his" group. Now he has spar his dummy out because you dared to deny his position of power.
Move on, form your own group for people with easy going and friendly intentions.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 31/08/2020 11:06

Big red flag is the falling out with the other group and setting up his own. Now you two dare to do something without him he's over reacted and culled you from his group. It screams controlling behaviour- whatever the reason. Do not apologise. He'll probably be telling the rest of the group you're awful. Just find a new set of doggy people.

Redcups64 · 31/08/2020 11:17

Hmmm I wouldn’t be too fussed, however if I still wanted to be part of the group as I enjoyed the meet ups, I’d apologise and explain it was a misunderstanding. Not because I was sorry, but because that’s what I had to do to do the dog meet up thing I enjoyed.

Nikori · 31/08/2020 12:23

Sorry, I didn't men to derail with the Ikea story. My work is a few minutes walk from Ikea and friend lives 2 hours drive away, so I just figured when she came, she could text me and I could join them for lunch. I would feel a bit embarrassed to be a few minutes away from a friend and not say hi, but as others have pointed out, she had other priorities that day and that's fine. It just made me realise that I always make the effort to go and see her and she never reciprocates, so I figured maybe she saw me more as an acquaintance, so maybe it's better to stop making the effort as it's all one sided.

With the OP, I would feel hurt if I was trying to arrange to meet up with friends and I heard they had gone ahead and met up without me. Obviously, I'm in the minority here and that's fine. I do think he was petty in blocking the OP.

bowchicawowwow · 31/08/2020 13:18

I've seen stuff like this happen before within dog walking groups. I used to walk with one reasonably regularly and was quite friendly with a few walkers. Used to sting a bit when I would see they had met up for a night out and I hadn't been invited so I do kind of get where he is coming from but it doesn't excuse the massive flounce. The thing is, all you really have in common to start with is the dogs and sometimes proper friendships will develop and the rest will just be acquaintances. I did withdraw from the group walks quietly as it was making me feel anxious.

Facebook is pretty good for making you feel rubbish if you are already feeling low.

daisychain01 · 31/08/2020 14:46

@ChickensMightFly

I suppose it boils down to whether you think this is his true character in which case his cutting you out is no bad thing and you may as well leave it there and try to replace the group meets with something new. Or if you think this is an anomaly and could be mended with some air clearing.
I tend to agree with you @ChickensMightFly, it doesn't sound like he's a complete arse all the time, but he does have form for being 'high maintenance' and there's a risk of a repeat performance on a future occasion for some other random perceived slight.

I'd put him on a Yellow Card (being hugely sexist with my football analogy Grin ). If he pulls another stunt like this and it's a Red
Card and off.the.pitch he goes !

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 31/08/2020 18:17

@Nikori yes I see your point but when we meet him, even if it was just my friend, me and him there would be 10plus dogs between the 3 of us which is why we do group meets on his local beach. We all agreed this wouldnt be a good idea over bank holiday weekend due to how busy it would be and it's half hour drive for me, an hour for my friend to possibly get there and not even be able to park our cars.
She suggested we meet for coffee and cake.. Or a walk.. I said come to mine we can have a little walk and chat in my garden after with a cuppa. I couldn't of invited him too as that would of meant 10 dogs in my house and garden and my partner is already allergic to mine.. Plus would of meant I couldn't of talked to my friend.
If we had said we couldn't go to the beach with him and then gone without him I could understand but we stayed at mine and had a little walk, having to keep the dogs on leads most of the time so it was already difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 31/08/2020 18:29

@LannieDuck yes I see where you are coming from but we had all discussed the reasons why meeting up with him wasn't going to work over the Bank Holiday.. Very busy beach, little to no parking. That's why we said once bank holiday was out the way and it was quiter we would make arrangements then. I'd really rather not be stressed out trying to find parking and then trying to control my dogs on a packed beach annoying other people just for the sake of meeting on a bank holiday to please him.
It was a last minute arrangement as my friend was feeling down and at a loose end and she suggested a coffee.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 31/08/2020 18:42

Just an update and as I said I certainly wasn't trying to upset him or leave him out for the ones that said we have been insensitive to meet without him. He had met others on the beach in the week and we weren't invited so it wasn't like we had turned him down and then met up. We'd all agreed to get bank holiday out the way and then do a big meet up.
Anyway my friend was very annoyed and upset so she texted him to try to sort things out and put her point across. He came back with the fact that he had very recently fallen out with the female friend I mentioned after many years, is loving hundreds of miles away from his family and was feeling very alone over the bank holiday.
So we do understand now where he is coming from at least.
She tried to explain that it was a last minute thing, just me and her having a cuppa at mine and taking the dogs for a walk about and that it wasn't intentional to leave him out. She had tried to arrange to meet up with him more recently and he hadn't been able to so she had left it that we would all meet up after bank holiday.
So he's apologised to us both and admitted he isn't in a good place at the moment.
So ill give him another chance as I can only go on my previous impression of him where he's been lovely and I understand now him lashing out and feeling hurt.

OP posts:
ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 18:53

That sounds really positive all round. Fwiw I had a similar thing with a friend years ago and resolved it because I cared enough to give it a try even though I also wondered if he was being an arse. It was in fact a genuine upset, we sorted it all out, there was never anything similar again and he is now one of my oldest friends because we both learnt a lot about each others character through that incident.
So I'm glad it seems to be the case here and a sad persons bad reaction was met with kindness, I hope he appreciates it and thinks twice next time.

bruce43mydog · 31/08/2020 18:54

He must have felt rejected in some way. But it's he's problem for feeling that way. Maybe with him having anxiety and depression. His problems become bigger than they actually are.

I wouldn't say anything to him. Let him realise he can't control a friendship. Or make you feel bad for having other friends.

bruce43mydog · 31/08/2020 19:01

Op just read your update.

Sounds like he's just feeling sorry for himself then. Suppose we all get them days.

Its good you are giving him another chance at the friendship. And he's told you how he's feeling

PicsInRed · 31/08/2020 19:09

Why did his female friend promptly unfriend you both when he did, if she's also fallen out with him?

I think he's got all the stories.

UnfinishedSymphon · 31/08/2020 19:20

So he's allowed to meet with others outside of the group, but when you do it's not ok and the emotional blackmail starts.

Personally I'd be happy to leave that group and him behind

Consideredopinion · 31/08/2020 21:13

There you go, I like to give people a second chance, we're all fallible after all. Hope you can patch things up xx

Egghead68 · 31/08/2020 21:46

Glad it’s sorted.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/09/2020 00:57

@PicsInRed

Why did his female friend promptly unfriend you both when he did, if she's also fallen out with him?

I think he's got all the stories.

Yeah, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense - why did the female friend jump to copy him?

I'd be on guard with him, especially your friend, if she's newly single as well. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now but keep that guard up.

BameChange123 · 01/09/2020 09:16

Sounds like he is using the dog walking as a device to meet women. Are there any other make dog walkers besides him in his harem?! ☺ Am familiar with this "type" they are frequently entitled, controlling and play on the good, polite nature of women

BameChange123 · 01/09/2020 09:16

Male not Make!