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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Male friend over reacting at being left out?

106 replies

lonelylou09 · 30/08/2020 22:58

So a few years ago I joined a local dog group who have same breed of dogs as I do, and made some friends on there who I would meet up with occasionally, usually a big group of us causing mayhem on a beach with a million dogs 🤣🤣
The group was headed by an older guy with his female friend and Through them I made a good friend, my age with 2 dog's so we would sometimes meet up without the group either on our own or with our dogs.
We've had similar experiences with anxiety and depression so we've bonded over that and tried to be there for each other and it's been nice to meet up now and then away from the group so we can chat.
The main guy of the group has been amazing so far with us both, supported us, cheered us both up and arranged meet ups either with one or both of us, along with the other lady and anyone else who wants to join.
He mentioned a little while ago that we haven't met up for ages due to covid so we chatted online between us all about sorting something out after the bank holiday, we live in a seaside place and it's just been far too busy.
Last night my friend messaged asking what I was doing today as she's having a hard time at the moment so I said nothing let's meet up. We arranged for her to come to mine with the dogs, walk them then back to mine for a cuppa and chat after once the dogs where calm 🤣🤣
We had a lovely couple of hours and took some photos for Facebook.
Not long after she gets a sarcastic message from main guy saying 'thanks for the invite'
He then sent me the same thing... Basically making out we had deliberately left him out.
She was annoyed saying we had done nothing wrong so I messaged him to say ' sorry, not intentional, we just wanted some girlie time to chat and it was a last minute thing' not like the usual big beach meet up.

Now he's unfriended both of us and removed us from the dog group page.
My friend is fuming and very hurt as she's spent a lot of time with him and his family, I'm upset as it seems a massive over reaction.
So were we being unreasonable to not have invited him or is he being totally unreasonable to get so upset about it?
Obviously we didn't see an issue with arranging a dog walk just the 2 of us as we've done before and not hidden it. But we seem to have really upset him for him to unfriend us both and remove us from the group.
I'm so confused and feel like we've done nothing wrong but hate thinking I've upset someone who has previously been very kind towards me.
It's just really ruined what was a nice day

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2020 07:22

I don't think you've done anything wrong op
Don't message him to try to make up or anything

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2020 07:23

@Nikori

I think the issue is that he said he wanted to meet up and you had been making plans to do so and then the 2 of you met up without him. That's kind of mean. If you hadn't had that conversation, I'd feel differently.

I had a similar thing recently. A friend said she was coming to where I live to visit Ikea and buy a new sofa. I said you must call me and I'll meet you for coffee there and she said sure. Then, she posted a photo of herself at Ikea and hadn't said anything about coming. I didn't delete her or anything, but I can see now that she isn't really a friend, so I won't make the effort with her anymore. Even if she had just texted and said things were manic or that she was worried about covid so let's do coffee another time, but it was really upsetting that she uploaded that photo without caring that I7d see it and know she didn't call.

Sorry, that's really rambling and probably not relevant, but the guy said let's all meet and you said you wanted to meet up, but then met up without him and posted photos of it on SM. So, I can see why he was upset.

I really don’t think this is a reason to fall out with someone. She doesn’t need permission from you to go to Ikea. There are a whole host of reasons why she might have wanted to go alone. I have two toddlers and enjoy my time out of the house alone. I’m planning a trip to Ikea soon and can’t wait to have a long, quiet walk around. If one of my friends mentioned meeting up, I’d probably give them a “yeah, I’ll let you know” line too because I might not want to tell them I want to go alone. I don’t do the social media thirst thing though so the difference would be I wouldn’t post it on Facebook. Genuinely, if you base your friendships on your friends doing everything you expect them to or else it’s over, you’re going to run out of friends very soon.

MJMG2015 · 31/08/2020 07:29

MrBig isn't upset, he's angry he's lost control of members of 'his' group.

Given (the further explained) history, I'd let him crack on with his control freakery without me, he's not a friend, he's a manipulative/controlling twunt.

See if you can rejoin the original group, or start your own with your friend. You might find there are others lurking, between those those two groups!

Samoyeds are cool - I used to be an 'Aunty' to two and doggy sit when they went away. They had a muddy back garden, so seemed to spend most of the fortnight washing white dogs!( & 3 kids!)! 🤣great fun at the beach though!!

daisychain01 · 31/08/2020 07:32

I don't see why the OP should have to justify the meet-up or qualify it as a 'girls-only' to talk about xyz gynae problems. Fucksake, women are capable of talking about other more interesting things than their monthlies. What business is it of Mr Big what they chose to talk about, he isn't their lord and master!

If he's normally pleasant and he just had an attack of the FOMOs, maybe contact him in the next few days and say it's a shame to break up the Dog Group and suggest they agree to some ground rules that people should have the freedom to meet up with anyone in the group outside the formal doggie meet-ups. Hopefully with the benefit of hindsight he'll realise it was a knee jerk reaction to remove them from the Fb group.

Don't bloody apologise and stroke his male ego though!

CodenameVillanelle · 31/08/2020 07:34

This is about control. He doesn't have hurt feelings he has thwarted control impulses. Don't conciliate him over this.

notacooldad · 31/08/2020 07:38

Tell him that you were discussing periods/ pmt/ san pro/ gynae/ menopause issues and that you didn't think he would be interested, but you are still looking forward to meeting up as a group next time. If you can be bothered
I'd tell him fuck all! It is absolutely nothing to do with him.
I'd be really angry if someone did this to me and I would t to stay blocked by him!
Entitled arse.

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 07:50

Haven't rtft but I have some sympathy for him. It can feel thankless sometimes putting time and energy into creating something that is lovely for people and then taking it for granted like it's your job. With lockdown people could be feeling very forgotten and the fact that your meeting with the friend came right after a conversation where he was clearly hoping for a meet up soon might have got a nerve you weren't aware of and felt like a slap in the face to him.
That said, a proper friend would talk to you about it, give the issue a chance to be sorted by airing things and resolving any misunderstanding, so the fact that he has binned you off with no further discussion is either cos he's being horrible or is in a really bad place.
If be tempted to get in touch calmly with understanding, not grovelling with apologies and just give your side, appreciate where he might be coming from and the friendship you value but that a good friend sorts things out so you are happy to do that, but if he wishes to cut you out that seems an overreaction. Or something.
Out of respect for your history and that there may be more to his reaction than meets the eye is be tempted to go down that road.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2020 08:07

It sounds very much like he enjoys being the kingpin of the new group - it's fine for him to have one-to-one meet ups with other members of the group, but woe betide anyone who tries to cut him out!
Sounds too like he's carrying baggage from the last schism, and is trying to make sure that he controls all the interactions - but in all honesty, his behaviour is so pathetic and stupid that it's more likely to cause MORE rifts.

If your friend knows anyone else in that group, she could try messaging them to find out if anything has been said in there - because they might be being fed a crock of shit about what you 2 are supposed to have done to have been booted.

I honestly wouldn't bother with him. Anyone that pocket-Hitlerish and over-reactionary isn't going to be good for your MH long term - he's helped you out but you no longer needing him is making him angry, so now you have to accept that you REALLY don't need him - you don't need that in your life!

Why not set up your own group - even if it's just the 2 of you to start with, if you have a searchable group, other Samoyed owners might find you and want to join (especially if they're disenchanted with Mr Big!)

WhatamessIgotinto · 31/08/2020 08:16

It can feel thankless sometimes putting time and energy into creating something that is lovely for people and then taking it for granted like it's your job.

@ChickensMightFly I can't see how the OP has done that at all? How has she taken it for granted?

gamerchick · 31/08/2020 08:23

Why are you tying yourself up in knotts about it OP? He wants you to grovel and you're planning on doing just that. He's an arse.

You have the type of dog where a group would probably take off quite easily. Just set your own up, that's what he did after all.

DancingCatGif · 31/08/2020 08:32

"It can feel thankless sometimes putting time and energy into creating something that is lovely for people and then taking it for granted like it's your job."

If you expect people to be unendingly grateful, you probably just shouldn't do it.

Egghead68 · 31/08/2020 08:42

If he’s normally nice I would give him the benefit of the doubt and think he overreacted to feeling snubbed because he’s down and lonely at the moment (although I agree his reaction was extremely childish).

I’d probably write explaining that you haven’t forgotten that you’d all agreed to meet up and are looking forward to it, could we arrange a date etc.? I’d briefly explain that it was a spur of the moment thing with your friend as she wanted to talk through some personal issues and you certainly didn’t mean to upset him of for him to feel left out.

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 08:49

@WhatamessIgotinto

It can feel thankless sometimes putting time and energy into creating something that is lovely for people and then taking it for granted like it's your job.

@ChickensMightFly I can't see how the OP has done that at all? How has she taken it for granted?

No, I agree, I don't think she has... I was just trying to see where he might be coming from which could explain his overreaction other than him being a nasty person, which is also a possibility.

ClementineWoolysocks · 31/08/2020 08:51

He's being a dick. You do not owe him any explanations or excuses and I can't believe some people think you should try and placate him. Like many others he's let the fact that he's the owner of a FB page go to his head.

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 08:52

whatamessigotinto to be fair... Egghead put it so much better. that's what I was trying to say, just a whole lot less succinct and readable. 😆

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 08:58

@ClementineWoolysocks

I don't think it is placating somebody to try to find out if there is more to it and he has just jumped to conclusions out of unhappiness he doesn't deserve. He might be being a power happy idiot, but op has had only nice experiences with him previously with no sign of this before, he has been kind to her often. Placating would be her saying sorry etc etc. But approaching someone and saying 'are you alright you don't seem yourself, you've read it wrong, no need to fall out' isn't placating.

Baconking · 31/08/2020 09:00

YANBU but if his reaction is possibly down to his anxiety.
I had a friend who would take things very personally, think people were talking about her and delete friends on Facebook for reasons that were pretty much just in her own head. She suffered terribly with anxiety.

BlueJava · 31/08/2020 09:00

You did nothing wrong. I have seen examples before of people starting a group - and they seem to think it then gives them control over all the friendships in the group. Obviously complete rubbish.

TheGoldenApplesOfTheSun · 31/08/2020 09:01

How childish and ridiculous of him! You've nothing to apologise for OP, it is lovely that you made a closer friend at that dog group.

Imagine if you had organised a group like that - if I'm running a hobby group I count it as a big success if people make friends there and end up meeting outside of it, it shows they're connecting and the group is helping people. I certainly wouldn't insist on coming along to all their various "friend dates" that is weird! Especially if it was a couple of guys meeting up over a pint or something - I'd assume I would make them feel awkward!

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 09:07

I suppose it boils down to whether you think this is his true character in which case his cutting you out is no bad thing and you may as well leave it there and try to replace the group meets with something new. Or if you think this is an anomaly and could be mended with some air clearing.

LannieDuck · 31/08/2020 09:10

He mentioned a little while ago that we haven't met up for ages due to covid so we chatted online between us all about sorting something out after the bank holiday

I would be hurt in his position. He suggested you all meet up, and then then two of you met up without him. Of course you're allowed to do that, but of course he's going to be upset.

I agree with a PP - multiple threads on here where someone puts all the effort into a friendship group and doesn't get anything back. Always lots of sympathy for the poster in that situation. This seems similar to me (in a much smaller way).

I don't excuse his flounce, however.

tara66 · 31/08/2020 09:26

Maybe some of your local vets or pet ''hotels'' will do notice boards and web sites with messages about other doggy groups you could join or you could start one yourself also through vets etc. How did HE start his group - make the contacts? Or just walking on beach etc chat to other dog walkers about if they would like to join a group? Can't be too difficult if you have the time.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 31/08/2020 09:34

YANBU at all, but I think a lot of people are feeling under stress at the moment and we need to cut each other a bit of slack.

I think I'd have just said your friend had something she needed to discuss with you, to make it clear it wasn't a standard dog walk, but easily said after the event. It's a shame.

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 31/08/2020 09:45

Exactly this, the 3 of you were supposed to be meeting up. He doesn’t know it was a last minute thing.
I think you’re being insensitive.

PicsInRed · 31/08/2020 09:54

He has form for tantrums and flouncing, OP didn't know the details of the schism with the main group, but this seems to fill in the gaps.

OP, you mentioned that he made a break away group to enable people to actually meet up - could that mean he was asked to stop bothering people to meet with him? Do you think he'd have been so upset if 2 men met up without him?

I would rejoin the main group. You probably be asked what happened to cause you to leave and then find out why he left that group in the first place. Reading between the lines, bothering women people.

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