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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Male friend over reacting at being left out?

106 replies

lonelylou09 · 30/08/2020 22:58

So a few years ago I joined a local dog group who have same breed of dogs as I do, and made some friends on there who I would meet up with occasionally, usually a big group of us causing mayhem on a beach with a million dogs 🤣🤣
The group was headed by an older guy with his female friend and Through them I made a good friend, my age with 2 dog's so we would sometimes meet up without the group either on our own or with our dogs.
We've had similar experiences with anxiety and depression so we've bonded over that and tried to be there for each other and it's been nice to meet up now and then away from the group so we can chat.
The main guy of the group has been amazing so far with us both, supported us, cheered us both up and arranged meet ups either with one or both of us, along with the other lady and anyone else who wants to join.
He mentioned a little while ago that we haven't met up for ages due to covid so we chatted online between us all about sorting something out after the bank holiday, we live in a seaside place and it's just been far too busy.
Last night my friend messaged asking what I was doing today as she's having a hard time at the moment so I said nothing let's meet up. We arranged for her to come to mine with the dogs, walk them then back to mine for a cuppa and chat after once the dogs where calm 🤣🤣
We had a lovely couple of hours and took some photos for Facebook.
Not long after she gets a sarcastic message from main guy saying 'thanks for the invite'
He then sent me the same thing... Basically making out we had deliberately left him out.
She was annoyed saying we had done nothing wrong so I messaged him to say ' sorry, not intentional, we just wanted some girlie time to chat and it was a last minute thing' not like the usual big beach meet up.

Now he's unfriended both of us and removed us from the dog group page.
My friend is fuming and very hurt as she's spent a lot of time with him and his family, I'm upset as it seems a massive over reaction.
So were we being unreasonable to not have invited him or is he being totally unreasonable to get so upset about it?
Obviously we didn't see an issue with arranging a dog walk just the 2 of us as we've done before and not hidden it. But we seem to have really upset him for him to unfriend us both and remove us from the group.
I'm so confused and feel like we've done nothing wrong but hate thinking I've upset someone who has previously been very kind towards me.
It's just really ruined what was a nice day

OP posts:

Hangingwithmygnomies · 31/08/2020 00:06

@scubadive

Well perhaps it was insensitive posting pictures on Facebook that other members of the group have access to, so soon after having all discussed that you must meet up soon. If you’d nit listed pictures this could all be avoided.

He has obviously over-reacted but he must be very hurt to have reacted like that. I would contact him again and explain that your friend was feeling down and had asked to meet up for a chat, explain that you do this from time to time and that you are sorry if you’ve offended him.

If he doesn’t come round then perhaps you are better off out if the group.

Why is it insensitive of OP to do this when he has done the same thing going by op? If it was all of the group and he was excluded I would understand but for 2 people?

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 31/08/2020 00:15

@scubadive
You may have a point but we put a few photos of our personal pages, not on the group page. We did try to arrange a meet up a little while back but due to work/weather ect it didn't happen and we discussed if being too busy on bank holiday to do a group meet.
Mr Big as I'll call him now (thanks) posted beach meet up photos a few days ago with him and someone else and all their dogs.. Not an issue.. We weren't invited or bothered in slightest.
My friend and I have met a few times without the others, once for coffee as we were both very depressed at the time and a few times at my friends house with the dogs in her garden. It's never been mentioned that we weren't allowed.
I will leave it for a few days to calm down and then maybe message and try once more to sort things, just for the dogs sake and the fact that there's no reason for us to fall out.. I feel if he was upset he could of just made us aware of his feelings without ending the friendship and removing us from the group.

OP posts:

ktp100 · 31/08/2020 00:18

I'm afraid I would have to show the div up. Who does he think he is?!

I'd send him a letter (assuming your friend knows where he lives if she's spent time with his family?) and say you'd scheduled an urgent chat due to a medical issue and that, as he doesn't have ovaries, you assumed he wouldn't want to be involved.

The group will never be the same to you now. Sack them off an start your own.x.

ThousandsAreSailing · 31/08/2020 00:18

Don't be ridiculous, of course it isn't insensitive
He is being a dick. He probably liked being so important to a couple of younger women and the group in general

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 31/08/2020 01:09

He is BVVVU and ridiculous. 60-something? He sounds like hes 12

IlovecatsyesIdo · 31/08/2020 01:14

It’s such a shame Mr Big is so petty. You and your friend have done nothing wrong.
Why not start up another group with rule number 1 being it’s for friendly people only (and their lovely dogs obvs!) no petty nonsense allowed. People can go and have separate small meet-ups if they want to without fear of retribution!
No doubt it will make its way back to Mr big and he can stick that in his pipe. I reckon you’ll have no end of break away members desperate to escape his playground mentality!

BlogTheBlogger · 31/08/2020 01:15

I don't believe it, yet another thread with elderly people kicking off because they aren't invited somewhere!! FOMOitis is catching
He sounds ridiculous, but seems like his behaviour is becoming quite common with his and mine soon generation

Frannibananni · 31/08/2020 01:32

He sounds like he likes to own all the friendships, no one is allowed to meet up with out him. Maybe he has aspirations to become a cult leader😄 and be the centre of everyone’s world. Hopefully you can find some other doggo friends.

Coyoacan · 31/08/2020 01:36

Well there always have been uptight people, but covid has taken its toll on some people's mental health I fear.

RandomNameForRandomThreads · 31/08/2020 01:46

I'm in a doggy group too. We tend to meet as a group much more often in the winter when the beaches/woods are empty. In the summer we often meet in twos or threes.

I'd be very pissed off if anyone objected to a smaller group meeting - and even more pissed off to be deleted from a group . Is he really saying that anyone on his group page must meet the entire group or not meet at all?

Nikori · 31/08/2020 02:10

I think the issue is that he said he wanted to meet up and you had been making plans to do so and then the 2 of you met up without him. That's kind of mean. If you hadn't had that conversation, I'd feel differently.

I had a similar thing recently. A friend said she was coming to where I live to visit Ikea and buy a new sofa. I said you must call me and I'll meet you for coffee there and she said sure. Then, she posted a photo of herself at Ikea and hadn't said anything about coming. I didn't delete her or anything, but I can see now that she isn't really a friend, so I won't make the effort with her anymore. Even if she had just texted and said things were manic or that she was worried about covid so let's do coffee another time, but it was really upsetting that she uploaded that photo without caring that I7d see it and know she didn't call.

Sorry, that's really rambling and probably not relevant, but the guy said let's all meet and you said you wanted to meet up, but then met up without him and posted photos of it on SM. So, I can see why he was upset.

HannaYeah · 31/08/2020 02:29

He’s behaving like a child. Still I’d reach out and try to smooth things over, one more time. People are particularly odd right now.

Fishypants · 31/08/2020 04:45

So he's had issues with other people before, so much so the police were involved?? Massive red flag alert!

I'd be counting my lucky stars I now longer have to see him! Start your own dog walks with your friend, invite others to join but stay well away from Mr Big/Petty/Unhinged.He sounds unbelievably entitled and I wouldn't want anything more to do with him.

Yeahnahmum · 31/08/2020 05:11

What a loser.... good riddens 😊

TitsOutForHarambe · 31/08/2020 05:29

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but he has done you a favour. If it wasn't your impromptu meet up today then it would only be something else that irked him, and you'd be kicked out of the group. You don't want to be part of groups run by people like that because it gets too complicated - it becomes all about them and they get upset over silly things like this and expect everyone to fawn over them. Exhausting.

I wouldn't bother trying to get back in - he's ruined it now. It won't be the same if you go back because you'd be on your best behaviour, afraid of upsetting him again. If you happen to run into them then be friendly and say hi to everyone. I'm sure that everyone else in the group will think he's ridiculous and be happy to see you.

pictish · 31/08/2020 05:29

What an absolute wanker removing you from the group for that! How selfish, controlling and childish can you be? Who the fuck does he think he is?!
I’d be furious.

Tigerty · 31/08/2020 05:44

He asked for a meet up then you went with the other friend and posted pictures of it. From his point of view it looks like you snubbed him. Agree you have the right to go with who ever you want but I can see why he was hurt, especially as he has put the effort in to arrange meet ups.

OwlBeThere · 31/08/2020 05:55

i don't know. he clearly feels hurt and left out. and if you've previously all been friends i would at least try and work things out. hes over reacted, but i can also see it from his POV. when friends do things and don't invite you it can feel hurtful

DancingCatGif · 31/08/2020 06:00

"A friend said she was coming to where I live to visit Ikea and buy a new sofa. I said you must call me and I'll meet you for coffee there and she said sure. Then, she posted a photo of herself at Ikea and hadn't said anything about coming. I didn't delete her or anything, but I can see now that she isn't really a friend, so I won't make the effort with her anymore"

Maybe she didn't feel like meeting. Maybe she just wanted to go to Ikea and go home. You kind of put her on the spot really.

"Not really a friend" is an over reaction imo.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2020 06:00

@NoMoreReluctantCustodians

He is BVVVU and ridiculous. 60-something? He sounds like hes 12

This is very much his issue and even if you persuade him to re add you, he could do it again. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps this isn’t the first time this has happened and could go some way into explaining his reaction. Perhaps not though. If you really do wish to continue in the group, once the dust settles, you could contact to apologise for any upset and explain you met up to discuss a private and difficult women’s issue and are in need of ongoing support.

This really does sound like 12 yos. My dd is 12 and she has been having a lot of friendship issues and an incredibly jealous friend.

lazyarse123 · 31/08/2020 06:18

There's no need to make excuses re: medical or womens issues. He's not your dad. Start your own group with nice people. I'm really sick of mh being trotted out as an excuse for being a complete arse.

WhatamessIgotinto · 31/08/2020 06:24

@Nikori sorry but I think that's a massive overreaction. Maybe she just had loads to do? She doesn't really need to explain, surely, she was only going shopping?

But then, I think it's weird to post photos on social media that you're in bloody IKEA.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 31/08/2020 06:28

He probably liked being so important to a couple of younger women and the group in general

Nail on the head, i reckon.

monkeyonthetable · 31/08/2020 06:41

I wonder if he's one of those people who puts huge effort into organising meet ups because he is desperately lonely and hopes some of this will turn into real friendships. Perhaps he's hurt (not rationally but emotions aren't rational) that he has facilitated what has turned out to be a genuine friendship between you while he's still merely the organiser. I think Covid has put undue stress on people so I'd give him a chance. Contact him saying you'd love to meet up with him and had no desire to hurt him, and suggest a date. If he plays hard to get, drop him. But if he apologises for his huff, just accept that Covid and isolation has made some people deeply lonely and overly sensitive.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2020 07:16

You don’t need to justify meeting up with a friend. This man sounds dangerously controlling.
Start your own dog group. Invite the ones from your old group. I’d probably send them a message with a screen shot of the messages that were sent between you before you were removed from the group.
If I was a female in that group, I’d want to know what he was really like and not be around him.
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