DH and computer games

[bananahammock123]

My DH loves computer games. He doesn't play every night, but a lot of nights. He'll either play upstairs, downstairs on the tv or on a handheld console. Also if it's not games, he wants to watch sports.

I don't care most of the time, but sometimes it's a bit much. We have young children, so the evenings are the only time we get together. I want to talk about things, regular things, holiday plans etc but he doesn't listen to me when he's playing, so I end up repeating myself a lot. If I call him out on this I get an earful, yet if he ever has to repeat himself because I'm for eg reading something on my phone, he feels like he can make all sorts of comments about it.

I really enjoy his company in the evenings, but it feels like he spends his time actively trying to avoid my company. Until he wants my full attention, and then he expects that.

AIBU to want him to cool it down with the games? I think it's a bit teenagery and when it's every night it makes me feel a bit lonely and shit.

YABU - I don’t get why on here whenever a man likes paying computer games it makes him a teenager? You’ve said AIBU for every night when earlier you’ve said it’s not every night? Maybe talk to him and set aside nights he doesn’t play rather than just get annoyed when he might not know you have a problem with it. Do you have any hobbies?

Ffs why do people think only teenagers play video games? For that Yabu. You could have made your point without calling him a teenager. Yanbu to want quality time with your husband. But video games are not the domain of teenagers only. It's quite lacking in knowledge of the world and popular culture to say this.

I feel YABU to specifically call out gaming as 'teenagery'. Surely you'd be just as annoyed if he was doing an 'age appropriate' hobby like running/cycling?

I do understand your issue about feeling neglected (lonely and shit) though. It does sound like he (or maybe both of you) are taking each other for granted a bit? You need to have a think about whether you can get past the fact his hobby is gaming and if you can then you need to talk to him about how you feel. It would be interesting to see what he says if you explain you feel neglected and want to make more time for each other as a couple. Hopefully if you talk you can both strike a better balance where you're either doing your own thing or spending proper quality time together.

There's no 'set times', he'll start in the early evening, and then carry on until I 'tempt him off' or suggest something else to do. This is why it's not every night, but it sure would be

It's the double standards really. If I sat on my laptop or phone for the same amount of time he'd make shirty comments. But he calls his a hobby and so I'm not allowed to say anything about it.

Very sorry for calling it teenagery. Clearly it's not just teenagers that spend their evenings playing video games.

Hahaha to the pp's defending the gaming culture for adults 😂. Because it is what it is: a teenage thing. That some man-childs fancy as well.

A man playing a game everynow for a little bitband then is fine i guess...... but most nights? And when your relationship suffers from it? No way. Super problematic.

Imagine your relationship ending because your husband cant stop playing a videogame.. 😂 how juvenile does that sound. I am with you op.
Time for your husband to grow up. Sit him down. Talk with him what you lack and what you want from him. Avoid words als 'always' and 'never'.

I’m sorry I don’t really get the issue 🤷‍♀️ It might be because when our kids are in bed we each like to have our time doing what we enjoy doing and don’t begrudge it of the other. I don’t mind my husband going on his game or doing one of his other hobbies as I have bits I like to do too. Might be gaming, crafts, tv, sitting reading, sitting on phone etc. And that’ll start from when the kids are in bed until we go to bed. But we do have atleast one date night a week that we spend together so maybe that’s why it’s not an issue in our house as thats something we’ve agreed together. If it’s making you feel that way I think you probably need to tell him how you feel and try and come to a compromise that you’d both be happy with.

I’m a woman and play mmorpg most evenings and my fiancé usually watches sports.

However, I only turn it on when the kids are in bed and we have had family time. I try to limit it to 4 nights a week too as you can easily get sucked into these games!

Why not join him in playing games too when kids are sleeping? Do you have any hobbies you’d like to spend more time on?

What about women that game? They don’t fall into your ‘man-child’ category? Would they need to grow up too?? Or just the men that play video games??

I love playstation and I assure you I'm not a teen

Who said man child? Not me. Sorry to have offended the serial gamers. Maybe you'd all be better suited to my DH.

@bananahammock123

Who said man child? Not me. Sorry to have offended the serial gamers. Maybe you'd all be better suited to my DH.

I was referring to Yeahnahmum sorry OP

DP and I play games together almost every night. It's a normal, healthy hobby for most people. Do you ever play games together, OP?

No I don't play games. I don't want to play games with him whatsoever.

Someone up thread mentioned what I would think if it was a different hobby. But actually, I wonder if the responses would be different if I said that my DH was out rock climbing every night. He asks me if there's something better I can tempt him to stay home with, but otherwise he would happily rock climb until bedtime.

YABU

I don't get your problem, tbh.
DH plays an online game (we know the other people on the 'team' and not all men)regularly. It's a great way for him to relax after a hard day, once the kids are in bed, and for me to have a chance to read my book. He wouldn't do it at the detriment of our relationship though, or every single evening.

These strategy games are quite involving, and require daily maintenance. They aren't playing Tetris or Pac-Man or something similar (I don't know any game names, Sorry!)

I have zero interest in this part of his life, but he enjoys it and I would never stop him from doing something just because I don't consider it a valuable or worthwhile hobby.
He doesn't like Mumsnet particularly, but I wouldn't dream of stopping it because I get pleasure from it.

You sound quite controlling to me.

@monstermonday so he doesn't do it every night, it's not to the detriment of your relationship and he doesn't comment on how you spend your time online or if you're not giving him your full attention?

So how is it in any way the same? And how am I controlling?

You need to be able to entertain yourself a bit.

And nope, my answer wouldn't be different if it was something else. DH is also a MAMIL.

As long as he is happy...

(He is a very hands on dad and supportive DH though, so I don't begrudge him anything he asks for)

This isn’t really about the hobby, it’s about him absenting himself from family life, isn’t it?

IMHO video games are fine. But like any hobby have to come after family obligations and not be to the detriment of your relationship.

If playing the amount he does means you can’t have a normal conversation, make arrangements, or actually spend time together then he’s being a twat, regardless of what the hobby is.

FFS. I can entertain myself just fine, but if I'm not giving him attention exactly when he wants it then he gets pissy.

I've reread my posts and I don't see how I've not been clear in this?

I’m ecstatic that my DH doesn’t play video games and ignore me all evening! I like to talk to him or watch something interesting with him. He’s excluding you from whatever room he’s in, presumably the lounge, so you can’t watch TV? I’d find it incredibly boring.

@merryoldgoat he's great in family life, it's just the evenings. We get no time together, no evenings out, no babysitting, no nice lunches together. We just have evenings, and for the most off I don't care about the games, but I do care when it's constant. He spent 3 months upstairs at the beginning of the year playing a game in the evenings. I didn't see him in the evenings for 3 months! Now I see him, but he's not present whatsoever. But if the tables were turned he'd have something to say about it.

I can see both sides of this. I play the kids Switch when they are in bed or at the weekend, and I am quite embarrassed about it. However! It is really relaxing, it is a total escape from reality and I enjoy it. My job is very "people" focused so it is nice to escape to my own little world for a while. My husband teases me about it, but not in a mean way. It is a better use of my time than dread scrolling through Twitter.

@bananahammock123 based on your OP how it is most nights but not every night, it sounds very similar, hence I commented. On a Public forum where you ask for opinions

But, I don't mind, he is happy. You do mine and refer to his interests as teenagery. This is where it differs, and suggests you don't respect his interests.

Hence, my comments.

Which I stand by.

I'm not sure I'd even really count gaming as a hobby. I'd say gaming most nights is like watching a bit of tv most nights. It does sound like you need to try and find an activity that you both enjoy though, or maybe you just arent all that compatible.

Hi OP,

I think you're getting some prickly responses because the Mumsnet consensus on "gamers" is quite often out-of-date and better informed people feel the need to defend themselves/gamers from being unfairly villified/lambasted on here.

I would count as a gamer by Mumsnet standards, in that I have several consoles plus a gaming PC and am pretty steeped in gaming culture – but I also just treat it as any other media, i.e. I can take it or leave it. A few times a year, me and my DP will spend a weekend together playing through a long, story-driven game, with snacks and drinks, and it's great fun, basically like binge-watching a box set but with ownership of the plot.

This is just to put my "credentials" out there.

YANBU!

Having to "tempt" your husband away from anything is not a good status quo. You should not need to come up with a better offer just to spend some time with your husband. it would be one thing if you simply outright hated games and wanted him to sit next to you while you surfed the internet on your phone, but it seems like you just want some adult conversation and a bit of shared interests/planning, something you can both be involved in.

I think your DH needs to recognise that it is pretty hurtful for his free time to automatically be "gaming/sports time" unless you "pitch" yourself to him just right. Discuss limiting gaming to 2 hours at a time, a couple of nights a week – that's a huge amount of time for an adult with kids to spend doing any leisure activity, let alone one that's making his wife feel so shit.