DH and computer games

[bananahammock123]

My DH loves computer games. He doesn't play every night, but a lot of nights. He'll either play upstairs, downstairs on the tv or on a handheld console. Also if it's not games, he wants to watch sports.

I don't care most of the time, but sometimes it's a bit much. We have young children, so the evenings are the only time we get together. I want to talk about things, regular things, holiday plans etc but he doesn't listen to me when he's playing, so I end up repeating myself a lot. If I call him out on this I get an earful, yet if he ever has to repeat himself because I'm for eg reading something on my phone, he feels like he can make all sorts of comments about it.

I really enjoy his company in the evenings, but it feels like he spends his time actively trying to avoid my company. Until he wants my full attention, and then he expects that.

AIBU to want him to cool it down with the games? I think it's a bit teenagery and when it's every night it makes me feel a bit lonely and shit.

I’m ecstatic that my DH doesn’t play video games and ignore me all evening! I like to talk to him or watch something interesting with him.
See this is the attitude I find strange. If you're gaming with your partner, it usually means communicating and laughing together and engaging your brain a bit. I don't know why watching a tv program next to each other is more desirable.

@Alwaysoverthinkingit34

I’m a woman and play mmorpg most evenings and my fiancé usually watches sports.

However, I only turn it on when the kids are in bed and we have had family time. I try to limit it to 4 nights a week too as you can easily get sucked into these games!

Why not join him in playing games too when kids are sleeping? Do you have any hobbies you’d like to spend more time on?

Or maybe he could join her in knitting? At least, with knitting they'd still be able to converse?

Compatibility is probably the one. I wouldn't dream of ignoring him most of the time to do my own thing. Maybe that's weird, or I'm wrong and everyone else spends a lot of time apart, but I didn't get married to avoid each other.

Also, as I've said plenty of times before, if I ignored him like he ignores me he'd be really pissed off.

I agree with you OP, but the addicts on here will try and convince you it's completely normal.

@themadship Thank you

Compatibility is probably the one. I wouldn't dream of ignoring him most of the time to do my own thing. Maybe that's weird, or I'm wrong and everyone else spends a lot of time apart, but I didn't get married to avoid each other.
No I dont think it's that most couples spent a lot of time apart, it more that they have at least some overlap in the ways they like to unwind.

I think this is maybe the wrong place for this discussion. There seems to be a lot of gamers who are ignoring what I'm actually saying and focusing on me being a controlling wife. I can't explain myself any better than I have but I think I'm outnumbered here. Thanks for all the advice, it's food for thought

I think it’s the double standards that are the issue OP, not the hobby itself. But maybe it’s a compatibility thing too.. I’m an introvert and I need quiet downtime on my own of an evening in order to function (luckily I’m single!) It sounds like your husband wants it all his own way.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I think it’s the double standards that are the issue OP, not the hobby itself. But maybe it’s a compatibility thing too.. I’m an introvert and I need quiet downtime on my own of an evening in order to function (luckily I’m single!) It sounds like your husband wants it all his own way.

Pretty much! I've said I don't mind most of the time, but people seem to be ignoring that

YANBU

I like gaming, so does my DH (who is happily playing on his phone right now as we both lie in bed, mentally unwinding after a long day)
And we both think your DH is acting like a twat.

It's entirely possible to like games (a perfectly acceptable form of "me" time) AND spend quality time with your partner, AND give them your undivided attention to discuss grown up things, AND not throw a tantrum when someone points out your gaming might be excessive.

Hope this helps

So what happens if you say ‘why don’t we watch X film tonight’ or similar? If he regularly jibs you off for gaming that’s not on, but if you’re just pottering about then I don’t think it’s really a problem - just ask/tell him.

Husband and I both game - I’m currently watching Interstellar while playing Sims AND Mumsnetting because my multiskilling is second to none, but last night we sat down and watched the new Bill and Ted movie. Don’t bother tempting him with that one btw it is utter shit.

@bananahammock123 you sound uptight and needy.

@kaiserin thank you.

He would watch a film with me, if it was something he wanted to watch. But that's not really the problem, it's that every time he has a minute spare he's back on his console. I can't walk in to the living room without seeing him on it. Sometimes I just want to chat, and not be ignored. I don't want to have to 'book out' his time.

But again, I don't mind MOST of the time. Sometimes it just feels a bit much. And if I say anything, he has a sulk or argues, or tells me that he feels scared to go on his games (though I fail to see how that's the case considering how much he's on them), and again, he'd be all bitchy if the tables were turned and I wasn't listening to him because I was doing something else.

It's just frustrating, that's all.

@bananahammock123 you sound uptight and needy.
@Sunrise85 you sound like an uninspired YANBU bully.

[quote Sunrise85]@bananahammock123 you sound uptight and needy.[/quote]
Thanks. You sound delightful

YANBU. This behaviour ended my marriage over years. I was always second to the PlayStation.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time op. I’d explode about the hypocrisy, tell him I’m spending every night for the next week (month if i feel like it) on my computer/phone, my new hobby is searching social media and blogs, and if he doesn’t like it he needs to think hard about how he wants to lock away his hobby time. Does he want to stipulate a number of hours? And if he’s in the living room and he snapped at me for not paying attention I’d turn the tv on. It’s not ok to treat you like you don’t matter but his time is special.!

I am definitely delightful

But.... I lost my first fiancé due to gaming. He played all the time. He failed university due to gaming, then he lost his job, then his house and then his fiancé (me).

I felt rejected and lonely. It was awful to watch a gorgeous intelligent funny man completely lose himself. He refused any help. That was 15 years ago and he’s still a very bitter man who struggles to stay employed.

Your husband merely sounds like he’s having some down time and enjoying himself.

And I’m so sorry if I came across harsh.

@Yeahnahmum

Hahaha to the pp's defending the gaming culture for adults 😂. Because it is what it is: a teenage thing. That some man-childs fancy as well.

A man playing a game everynow for a little bitband then is fine i guess...... but most nights? And when your relationship suffers from it? No way. Super problematic.

Imagine your relationship ending because your husband cant stop playing a videogame.. 😂 how juvenile does that sound. I am with you op.
Time for your husband to grow up. Sit him down. Talk with him what you lack and what you want from him. Avoid words als 'always' and 'never'.

But its not a teenage thing to do. Plenty of adults play. I have an 82 yo woman in my Guild. Plying games is no different than any other hobby.

@Sunrise85

I am definitely delightful

But.... I lost my first fiancé due to gaming. He played all the time. He failed university due to gaming, then he lost his job, then his house and then his fiancé (me).

I felt rejected and lonely. It was awful to watch a gorgeous intelligent funny man completely lose himself. He refused any help. That was 15 years ago and he’s still a very bitter man who struggles to stay employed.

Your husband merely sounds like he’s having some down time and enjoying himself.

And I’m so sorry if I came across harsh.

You were harsh and unpleasant.

@timeisnotaline

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time op. I’d explode about the hypocrisy, tell him I’m spending every night for the next week (month if i feel like it) on my computer/phone, my new hobby is searching social media and blogs, and if he doesn’t like it he needs to think hard about how he wants to lock away his hobby time. Does he want to stipulate a number of hours? And if he’s in the living room and he snapped at me for not paying attention I’d turn the tv on. It’s not ok to treat you like you don’t matter but his time is special.!

I did similar to this, popped some earphones in and faffed around on my computer for an hour while he played on his console. The amount of times that he spoke to me, sang stupid songs and made daft noises was ridiculous! He hated that I had shut myself off to him

@Yeahnahmum

Hahaha to the pp's defending the gaming culture for adults 😂. Because it is what it is: a teenage thing. That some man-childs fancy as well.

A man playing a game everynow for a little bitband then is fine i guess...... but most nights? And when your relationship suffers from it? No way. Super problematic.

Imagine your relationship ending because your husband cant stop playing a videogame.. 😂 how juvenile does that sound. I am with you op.
Time for your husband to grow up. Sit him down. Talk with him what you lack and what you want from him. Avoid words als 'always' and 'never'.

Is it any more or less childish than your relationship ending because if any other hobby? But if an odd ignorant comment. I play the odd game with my partner on an evening or weekend. He plays independently on a weekend for an hour or so before I get up. He gets up super early! Just makes you sound quite stupid to write off a wide and diverse cultural firm because teenagers do it too.

But yeah for op. If its causing problems it doesn't matter what the hobby is it needs to be addressed. What do you think would be a reasonable amount of independent time vs couple time? Is the issue also that you don't get that time to yourself?

@Plussizejumpsuit

But yeah for op. If its causing problems it doesn't matter what the hobby is it needs to be addressed. What do you think would be a reasonable amount of independent time vs couple time? Is the issue also that you don't get that time to yourself?

I don't want to put a time limit on it. He's not a child, and it would be me that says 'your 2 hours are up now', and he'd have even more reason to bitch and moan at me.

I don't know. I just want to be able to walk in to a room and talk to my husband. I don't want to have to wait while he finishes a fucking game move, because he doesn't wait while i finish reading something etc. He makes an almighty fuss if he doesn't get my attention immediately. Why the different rules?

He was saying something the other day while I was looking at something online, I said 'hmm' and the fucker huffed, told me I was being rude and didn't finish his sentence. I can't even count the times he's ignored me.