DH and computer games

[bananahammock123]

My DH loves computer games. He doesn't play every night, but a lot of nights. He'll either play upstairs, downstairs on the tv or on a handheld console. Also if it's not games, he wants to watch sports.

I don't care most of the time, but sometimes it's a bit much. We have young children, so the evenings are the only time we get together. I want to talk about things, regular things, holiday plans etc but he doesn't listen to me when he's playing, so I end up repeating myself a lot. If I call him out on this I get an earful, yet if he ever has to repeat himself because I'm for eg reading something on my phone, he feels like he can make all sorts of comments about it.

I really enjoy his company in the evenings, but it feels like he spends his time actively trying to avoid my company. Until he wants my full attention, and then he expects that.

AIBU to want him to cool it down with the games? I think it's a bit teenagery and when it's every night it makes me feel a bit lonely and shit.

I don't think games are the issue here OP.

Possibly not

I did similar to this, popped some earphones in and faffed around on my computer for an hour while he played on his console. The amount of times that he spoke to me, sang stupid songs and made daft noises was ridiculous! He hated that I had shut myself off to him
Well basically you need to do it solidly for at least a week. Tell him you’re fed up with the double standards and you are no longer available to chat or answer questions while you’re doing your thing. Repeat each evening then in a week or two ask if there’s a path out for you two that involves mutual respect.

I understand why it's relevant that its gaming op. Are they online ones?

My DH sometimes goes through phases where he plays a lot and I chat to him about what elements I find difficult & how we can balance it as a hobby, with family needs.

The annoying elements about games are:

• they are deeply absorbing & a real time sink. Dh will be on something and think hes only been playing 1hr when in fact its been 3 and he hasnt done any household jobs (unfair).
• Dh would play online with other people doing missions etc, and not be able to "pause" without letting down team. Meaning if a child fusses/is ill/wets bed, I have to tend to anything all evening until he finishes (unfair). A hobby like crafting or DIY or watching tv can be paused.
• video games are addictive. Look online and you see examples of couples (admittedly mainly in Asia) grossly neglecting their children due to being absorbed in online games. Knitting doesnt tend to do this .

I'm actually laughing at some of the responses to this - lot of people veeery defensive over gaming, wow! 😂

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP - it's not on for your partner to spend most nights ignoring you for a hobby that you don't enjoy and therefore can't join in with and I wouldn't be able to deal with this at all! I also consider gaming childish tbh 🤷🏼‍♀️ Obviously plenty of people don't so good news for all the gamers out there.

But I do think it sounds like a compatibility issue with your partner. If you liked playing on a Switch or table top RPing or cross-stitching for hours and you were both the sort of people who could sit being absorbed in your own thing for hours every night, fine. But if not, and if he won't compromise, is it going to work long term?

"I'm actually laughing at some of the responses to this - lot of people veeery defensive over gaming, wow! 😂"

Probably because they're sick of hearing the same tired old shite about how childish/ immature/ pathetic they are. 🙄

Tbf, the OP's DH does sound unpleasant and NoIDontWatchLoveIsland has a point about the type of game being relevant.

I'm more of a gamer than DP, and would enjoy playing more immersive games but I'm happy to replace those with games we enjoy playing together. I'd feel rotten if I were routinely absorbed in a game they had no interest in for hours at a time.

However, I also dont believe that anyone with an open mind could not find a game that they enjoy playing with someone else. Gaming is incredibly diverse and blanked statements like 'gaming is childish' are extremely ignorant (akin to saying film or literature is childish).

I think your DH just sounds like a twat tbh. Nothing about gaming, I enjoy playing the PS but the insisting you drop everything to talk to him sounds really controlling. Especially when he doesn't reciprocate this in his actions towards you.

Also, by 'tempt him off' do you mean you are offering sex to get him to pay you attention? If so that's really quite grim, it's like he only wants you for one thing.

I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship, his lack of respect is outstanding.

This isn't about the games. It never is. I'm an avid gamer but I'm not addicted to them and I'm not an arsehole about it. I never do it until after the kids are in bed and if my DH wants to do something together intead then I will always go for that option first.

It doesn't really matter what specifically he's doing, the point is that he's neglecting his partner very frequently and when she raises this with him he doesn't seem to care. OP is allowed to be upset about that. I think most people would be.

Well maybe you could bring up spending a certain amount of time with you?

RE: gaming in general though, hasn't it already taken over film,TV and sport as the main entertainment businesses? I can only see it getting bigger tbh. I think the "teenager-ry" comment is a bit out dated.

Ex DP would play from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed other than for work. He hated doing anything that involved going outside and with a small child, time outside is crucial... He thought I was unfairly pressuring him to have a life he didn't want and promptly left 🤷‍♀️ that was a year ago and I haven't looked back!

He does seem to have pulled his finger out of his arse though. He has a full time job now but I'm not sure if that's under his own volition or whether mummy dearest has told him he needs to in order to stay under her roof.

The last 6 months of our relationship, I just didn't do anything with him. We were basically living as house mates that shared a bed. I don't think he liked that I had a life outside of him. He was never going to change while he was with me for whatever reason so we ended up being incompatible. I think you're facing the same thing, OP. Start making preparations for a better life without him

DH games but it's things he can turn off quickly now. We tend to agree that we spend an hour or so doing our own thing, then watch something together. But he'll talk whilst he's playing too.

It really does sound like your DH would be like that regardless of what he's doing.

The gaming isn't really relevant- nothing wrong with it, my dh and I both play- but its the fact that he's ignoring you. He should want to spend time with you in the evenings. My dh plays games but we usually play something together or watch something instead. He actually wants my company though and it doesn't seem like your dh wants yours op.

DH is a gamer, in fact, we met in an mmorpg. I don’t game often anymore, but DH still does. I don’t mind because we do spend time together (and when he’s gaming I get some good uninterrupted reading time!) I think the main difference is that my DH will regularly ask me if I mind if he goes off gaming. If he is really into playing a new release, he asks if I feel he’s been neglecting me, and if so he will make time for me. He has a couple of nights where he is playing with a group of people, but any other night I know that he would be happy to watch a film or something if I asked him to (not that he would be unhappy on his organised gaming nights, more that I usually don’t ask him. He actually skipped one this week for something we were doing together).

The problem here isn’t that your DH is gaming, but that he isn’t considering how you feel about it. Therefore YANBU.

YABU to blame computer games. The whole "video games are for teenagers" spiel is boring and incorrect - the vast majority of games out there are rated 18 and are marketed at an adult audience.

But YANBU to want your DH to choose you sometimes. Nothing wrong with a hobby so long as it's not taking over your entire life.

One of those AIBUs that turns into “YABU” and OP is like “I’m not I’m not!” stamps feet

My first husband played online games so he checked out of family life. Totally ignored our toddler dd so he could play. Every spare moment was playing. He even grabbed his dinner from the table to eat one-handed while playing. I totally understand where OP is coming from.

@Sunnydazey

One of those AIBUs that turns into “YABU” and OP is like “I’m not I’m not!” stamps feet

But she isn't unreasonable, people are taking need to just see past the bloody computer games. If it was cycling/reading/watching tele it would be exactly the same, he is a loser who ignores his wife then expects her to drop everything when he deems her an acceptable entertainment source.

I think i would prefer someone gaming until the early hours, as opposed to the sad people posting on mumsnet in the same time period

My teens went through the phase of earphones on, head in a game, being offended if you tried to interrupt them, not coming down for meals etc. It also meant that they were never available to help out or chat or engage in the world around them. It was bloody irritating and I felt as though I was living with zombies. Fortunately, they grew up and are able to interact like normal humans now. If DH were to behave like that, the relationship would end. I want my partner to live with me, not just alongside me.

@bananahammock123

He was saying something the other day while I was looking at something online, I said 'hmm' and the fucker huffed, told me I was being rude and didn't finish his sentence. I can't even count the times he's ignored me.

You need to have a conversation about this.

Computer games aren't the issue - it could be cycling or reading or keep fit - the issue is that you're not allowed to interrupt him, but he's allowed to interrupt you.

After he huffed that one time, did you point out the double standard? Does he see it?

I would suggest that you both agree rules - can you interrupt the other person while they're doing something? How is it best to do that? Can the hobby person ignore you to finish what they're doing? If the other person gets moody, is that acceptable? And then the rules apply to both of you.

Is he gaming in lieu of interaction with his children? Many times per week?

That would concern me.

It's well known that computer games can be addictive to the detriment of other responsibilities.

It seems an addiction to me from what I read. Perhaps he needs to have a period of time (say one month) without them.

The games aren’t the biggest problem - the problem is him. He’s a selfish hypocrite.

Give him an ultimatum, tell him it’s either the games or you. The least he can do is spend two hours with you each evening, Maybe even draw up a rota or at least define the hours. If he doesn’t stick to it stop sleeping with him and he will soon come crawling back