House Plans - Who Is BU?

[Furious123]

We bought a wreck of a house last year with plans to renovate and extend.

One of DH's good friend's is an self-employed architect and at the beginning of lockdown we commissioned him to draw up plans. Full rates, no special deal.

Despite being told we'd have a basic plan with 6 weeks, Five months in we are still waiting. It's now become a bit of a standing joke as every time DH asks for an update we're told "by the end of the week".

I have been more than patient but am absolutely at the end of my tether. The house is damp, draughty and too small for us - I can't face the thought of spending another winter here as things stand, without at least some formal plan in place. To top it all we've just come back from holiday to burst water tank

I've pleaded with DH to just lay it on the line with friend and get him to admit he's too busy/doesn't want to do it, but DH just won't do it. He just sends jokey texts about 'wife proper cross now and threatening to leave if I don't get house sorted. Lol!'

I've also said several times that I'll contact friend and have an honest conversation and suggest we approach another architect, but again DH is adamant I don't, for fear I think, of damaging the friendship FFS!

Am beyond cross, sick of house, sick of friend, sick of DH!!

Think my point is WIBU to just ignore DH, ring friend and tell him we will use a different architect?

I'd also contact him directly - why not?
Something friendly but very clear:
"Hi John, we really need the plans asap, and it seems as if you must be too busy to get it done in time, so I'm going to be contacting another architect. If you've already started and were planning to deliver by Friday, give me a ring tonight, as otherwise I'll be arranging it tomorrow. Thanks, Mary"

Just say if I dont get the plans by x date then I'm going to out source the work.

It sounds like the problem is the lack of direct communication. He's probably under the impression that it's a favour at mate's rates, which is why he's not treating it as a priority. But you don't know what your husband has agreed to.

You and your husband need to decide who is the lead decision maker, and that person needs to agree the scope of work with any contractors. Doing it this way is a sure path to chaos.

If he was a real friend and a professional he wouldn't behave this way.Time to move on to a proper professional architect and forget the "friendship" .

DS is an architect you would have had preliminary plans within two to three weeks. Then an invoice. Your friend may have bitten off more than he can chew in which case suggest he advertises for a CAD assistant to speed up production. In the meantime you are going elsewhere. No hard feelings.

Erm, why are you actually using your DP's friend then?

You're not getting a discount and he's clearly dragging his feet. I can't see one good reason to use him or to have ever used him

I'd step in myself and contact him and give him a deadline then use somebody else if the deadline isn't met. I try to listen to alarm bells and I hear one ringing with this guy

I had a quote to replace an upstairs window. Guy turns up, wants to come in house, no PPE at all so he gets told no so he measures from the outside which was agreed on phone before he arrived . Two days later nothing, I ring and ask for quote, we'll have to call you back. They do call back but by then I've decided that I'm not using them. Don't take anymore shit!

Raven mum’s email is a much better, less heavy handed way to do what I was trying to suggest. Makes things clear whilst giving an opening for friend to push back if he’s going to be left out of pocket.

This is why you don't hire friends to do work.

I'd write to him giving a deadline of two weeks and then cancel and go elsewhere.

Your husband is a massive issue here as you know

But what’s really going on?
Architect friend presumably makes a living so cannot possibly treat all his clients like this.
Assuming as you know him and his wife, that they have no mitigating personal issues going on that detract from his ability to work, why on earth would he not be doing as agreed?

I strongly suspect that your DH hasn’t been clear about pay. Friend is assuming you want mates rates or even a freebie and as such is doing all his other work first.
If that’s not the explanation then he’s going to drive you insane if you are waiting months every time you need a revisit drawing or an answer for something.

Posted too soon-

So I’d clarify the expectation on pay and ask upfront why he has felt it acceptable to leave you waiting 20+ weeks when he told you 6.
I’d also clarify payment.
And then unless there has been a very clear missing communication that successfully explains it all and you can move forward, I’d cut my losses and instruct someone new.

You haven’t so much as changed a roof tile yet and you are already feeling stressed. Not a good omen for a major project.

I see why he's self employed!
He'd be fired for taking too long and not updating clients, surely?
Massively unprofessional.

I’ve actually laughed at this thread, you buy a rundown damp cold house and plan to live in said dump to get a ‘feel’ for it and the seasons??
What a nonsense! I do renovations and I don’t know anyone with this drippy casual attitude, time is money and living in a dump is miserable.
Stop relying on these wishy washy men and find a new architect yourself, honestly I could shake you OP.

I think you come across really naively,living in a run down dump with a lackadaisical husband who can’t compel his noncommittal friend to complete the architect task
If you can afford it,Buy a cheap caravan live onsite. Living on a wrecked draughty house is poor for physical & mental health.plus when substantial work starts you can’t be onsite

@SentientAndCognisant

I think you come across really naively,living in a run down dump with a lackadaisical husband who can’t compel his noncommittal friend to complete the architect task If you can afford it,Buy a cheap caravan live onsite. Living on a wrecked draughty house is poor for physical & mental health.plus when substantial work starts you can’t be onsite

Ok, well guess I am on AIBU!

Sorry @SentientAndCognisant
That response was for @SBTLove

Sometimes as a couple dealing with an awkward outsider it’s better, for various reasons, for one person to deal with it rather than the other.

In my relationship we each talk to our respective families. It’s not always 100% satisfactory but on the whole it’s better. Families get over their issues but the in-law relationship magnified problems.

With friendships, there isn’t the same type of bond to begin with. They’re more fragile relationships (aside from the fictional Hollywood versions) and there may be things your dh doesn’t feel he can say. He’s already using you as a buffer.

I think this is the kind of thing that might be better coming from you, particularly if he wants to shrug it off as a wife thing after. You don’t have to fall out or burn bridges; just a quick call to say you’re going to get another architect and thanks all the same. Or do it by text. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Maybe if you point out to him the advantage of it coming from you rather than him, he might be more comfortable with it?

Dh and I play each other off at times. I know this never happens on mumsnet though.

Was payment specifically discussed? If not, he thinks you're expecting a freebie.

OP I hope you have been suitably chastised by @ALLIS0N and @SBTLove. How dare you have the temerity to buy a house in need of work and hit a snag. How. Dare. You.

Your only hope now is to abandon it to someone More Worthy and live forevermore in brand new build boxes. Don't even try to change a lightbulb or hang a picture, such is your incompetence.

This is why you don't hire friends to do work

Indeed

TBF it can work, but in cases where it doesn't, things can go downhill very fast

@RhymesWithOrange
She hasn’t just ‘hit a snag’ they bought the house last year, waited months to think about getting plans and have sat about for months waiting on their pal.
She admitted she doesn’t want another winter in this dump yet has done nothing but await 2 drippy men to get something done.
The comment about living in it to get a feel/changing seasons is preposterous, especially when it’s a damp riddled freezer!

@SBTLove

I’ve actually laughed at this thread, you buy a rundown damp cold house and plan to live in said dump to get a ‘feel’ for it and the seasons?? What a nonsense! I do renovations and I don’t know anyone with this drippy casual attitude, time is money and living in a dump is miserable. Stop relying on these wishy washy men and find a new architect yourself, honestly I could shake you OP.

What an unbelievably rude post!

I know plenty of people who've bought a house & lived in it before renovating it.

[quote SBTLove]@RhymesWithOrange
She hasn’t just ‘hit a snag’ they bought the house last year, waited months to think about getting plans and have sat about for months waiting on their pal.
She admitted she doesn’t want another winter in this dump yet has done nothing but await 2 drippy men to get something done.
The comment about living in it to get a feel/changing seasons is preposterous, especially when it’s a damp riddled freezer![/quote]
You are being ridiculous @SBTLove

There's no reason at all why they shouldn't live in the house first.

You don't know the 'only right way' to do things.

AIBU or not, you're being unbearably rude.

If it was made clear about payment and the time factor then he is most unprofessional and totally unreliable. His texts about the wife getting cross and such are way out of order. Does he normally joke like that .?
You must have the patience of a saint.
Speak to dh and decide on what you feel happy with. Ravens email sounds good.
Good wishes and I hope you find a reliable tradesperson .

So pleased we have you @SBTLove to rub salt in our wounds of self-flagellation. I don't know what we would do without the Mumsnet prefects.