To think SS needs to lose some serious weight?

[JoandLily]

I went shopping the other day for some new school uniform for my step son who is 14. He has always been slightly overweight so I bought him age 16 trousers. He tried these on and they would not go near him. To cut a long story short we had to but him 36 inch waist trousers from the men's section and to me I think that's totally unacceptable at his age. My dh seems to think 'kids are getting bigger these days anyway' and doesn't seem really concerned. He weighs 13 and a half stone. Can I ask what you lot think? Aibu to think he needs to lose a lot of weight?

He's still growing, the aim should be to maintain his weight so he grows into it.

Not at 13.5 stone. Unless his expected adult height is over 7ft.

The BMI calculator isn’t helpful for children at that age though as they’re all different heights and it’s still done on centiles.

BMI is a ratio of height to weight.

DH is a 32 inch waist and went on a strict diet when he crept up to a 34.

You’re right to be concerned op, his health is important, however apart from mentioning it to his dad I’m not sure what else you can do.

JoandLily you are completely right that he is overweight and in fact at the very top end of the percentile for children. Even an adult man weighing that much would be overweight.

My daughter has just discovered she is also overweight (as am I) and I must admit I have trod very carefully in talking to her about this. She has mental health issues and I am worried her fears over her weight may lead to anorexia.

The route we are going down is that it's good to exercise and move more and eat healthily. I have tried to stop buying 'junk' food except as a weekly treat of sweets/chocolate.

i ahve encoouraged her to come swimming with me and dog walking with me. I've had some limited success.

I think you need to speak to your dh and get him on side. It's not so much about the clothes size because these can vary wildly, but the weight doesn't lie.

The important thing to stress to your dh is that being overweight, in the very overweight category at this young age will be very detrimental to him in the future. It could well affect health, but also social things like the sports or activities he feels happy doing and there are other implications too.

I;d just try and get your dh on side and then he can speak to the mum and grandparents.

Almost everyone, even my slim-trim-marathon-running husband has put on weight in lockdown so it totally understandable and even 'normal' that this has happened. However, in the boy's best interests it is not good and the dad should be championing his son's health.

You are right to be worried and cautious about your own part in this.

Weight isn't all about eating (for teen boys anyway).

You could encourage yr DP to take up something active with his son (male-bonding but also confidence building for SS.) I have seen this kind of physical connection work well as communication during difficult teen yesrs😁 as well as offering competition and fitness for both.

if SS is shy and overweight, I'd guess that he isn't into the cool ball-sports offered at school. He might love martial-arts though- if he gets a fun class and good teacher.

Using his weight will easily take inches off his waist. Body confidence will allow him to be more active too.

You sound a great SM. Someone needs to look after him on this-being a safer weight would really improve his life.

It's a complex and difficult issue.

As a child my parents had me on a constant diet and have always made reference to my weight - I was praised when they thought I was at an acceptable weight and the disappointment was clear when not an ideal weight.... As a teenager I was overweight by 7lbs - 10lbs.

As a adult it's taken me years to accept my happiness and self worth should be not be montiored or praised by appearence and weight.

My son is overweight in his teenager years - I too would like him to loose weight but I also value the importance off his mental health more. I make sure he's happy with his choices. I never comment on his size or reference being overvweight as negative, bad issue.

Having spent a lifetime feeling inadquate, worthless and lazy because I weigh more than desire from my own parents is something I will NEVER pass on to my son.

My 6 foot 1, 17 year old can fit into age 16 stuff from next.
Yes your step son needs to lose weight.

A 36” waist isn’t healthy for a fully grown adult, male or female. Sadly it’s his dad’s call to intervene (or not). Poor lad, he’s lucky he has you looking out for him.

Titchy...that's nit true. My son is six foot 8 and 15 stone 7 would put him in the healthy weight category.
Yes this kid needs to drop some weight but don't overegg the pudding.

Yes that's quite overweight, he's probably got a few inches to grow so rather than loosing weight, a sensible diet combined with more activity is the best approach for now. Approach very delicately because food relationships at that age can cause lifelong problems. Does he life with you full time, if not then really his parents need a joint approach

@FranklyDearIDontRiverdance

I was shocked to see that lots of stores are stocking age sizes in a plus fit range. I do think that’s normalising kids being overweight

What's your solution? Send them in naked?

Yes it is overweight. But not sure what you can do about it as he is your SS. His parents need to be the ones getting involved here.
Set a good example I suppose, with decent meal content and portion sizes, fun exercise with his dad, trying to make getting fit a positive choice.
But it's really difficult. He will be aware himself that he is overweight, other kids at school will have pointed it out, it's not like he doesn't know. How does he feel about PE and sport? If his weight is an issue, i'd bet that he doesn't enjoy it, and it becomes a bit of a vicious circle, with him avoiding exercise and then getting less fit as time goes on. Schools can be helpful, but in practice they don't seem really aware of how larger kids feel - one of my boys was invited to a healthy eating club by the school, and they put on extra keep fit programmes to try and support overweight kids, but he refused to go saying he wasn't going to "fat club" and having his "friends" tease him even more.
If he lives with you then you can can do more, but he will be sensitive about it, so tread carefully.

So ludicrous that being rationally concerned about obesity in a child is called fat shaming.

My DS was like this at 14, although he ate well and exercises. He's now 16 and 6 foot with no extra fat at all. Your SS May grow as he goes through puberty

missingeu that sounds tough. I didn't put on weight until I reached adulthood but I know the feeling oof my mum commenting negatively a out food and weight.

It's a really tricky issue and totally agree you do not want to give him a complex.

@Pieceofpurplesky

My DS was like this at 14, although he ate well and exercises. He's now 16 and 6 foot with no extra fat at all. Your SS May grow as he goes through puberty

He may but why would his parents take that risk?

Plus, it's about instilling good habits whilst he's still young enough to live at home.

That is bigger than what my dh wears. He is 5 foot 8 and weighs eight stone.

My children were never in their age clothes but all were tall and thin. They get height from my side and thinness from dhs.

If your dh won't do anything then you have too. Stop buying crap etc or whatever it is that would help.

My 14 year old DS is 6ft3 - no idea what he weighs but he also needs to wear men's trousers so it costs me a fortune to buy him school uniform. He's a 32inch waist but is a big build ( big boned) whilst still being slim. Wears age 17/18 shirts which I think is the biggest size M&S do in their uniform section. He eats like a horse but does lots of cycling and mountain biking so doesn't put wight on.

He might well be at the stage where he is currently putting on weight around his waist prior to shooting up.

My 16 year old is the same weight now as he was when he was 14, but about 6 inches taller.

Depends on the shop. But clothes that fit not what age they are. 6 months of barely doing anything is not like being at school. His natural weight will come over the next few months. If you are critical to him he could end up seeing food in an unhealthy way.

Sunahinecake, your husband is underweight though

I would not suggest talking to him about dieting as its counter productive and can lead to lifelong you dieting. I'd get him engaged in a sport.
I was grossly overweight at 14 so my mother made me go to karate classes. Everyone laughed at me because I was a rotund little ball in a karate suit. Within a year I looked fabulous. I was slim and muscular and totally wrapped up in the sport going three times a week.
His dad needs to be firm with him though, no pulling out after two sessions. He needs to insist he goes every week no argument to whatever it is and he will soon be fit and slim. Nobody wants to be fat especially at that age.

Don’t put him on a ‘diet’ per se but make sure he’s filling up on healthy foods and snacks. Fruit, cheese, yogurt etc rather than crisps and chocolate. Cook healthy meals, don’t rely on processed ready meals and make sure there are lots of veggies to fill him.

Encourage him to move more, go for walks as a family, have a kick-about with a football, go swimming, if he’s embarrassed by his weight go to an empty beach and swim or buy a body board. (There are plenty of deserted beaches if you know where to look.

13 stone at 14 yo, is too much. Yes kids are bigger, but they should be bigger, stronger and healthy. As his step mum I presume you get to play a part in what he eats. So as the responsible adults it’s up to you to make sure he reaches for a peach rather than a packet of crisps. So don’t buy the fattening snacks and he won’t be able to eat them.

You need a blanket ban on unhealthy crap, so no more cola be that full fat or diet. Even calorie free coke causes spikes in your insulin levels, try sparkling water if he doesn’t like tap water. Even Apple juice is very calorific compared to the zero calories in water. No more chocplates, biscuits, crisps, lunchables etc. If it’s not in the house, he can’t eat it.

Cook meals from scratch, that way you know what goes into them and no more takeaways.

Eat less, move more! Could you consider getting a dog? On the understanding that SS walks the dog three times a day, ten minutes every morning, 45 minutes after school every evening and ten minutes before bed then you will buy the food, pay vets bills etc. (This only works if he really wants a dog)

Or take up a hobby like kickboxing or Thai Che.
You’re an adult, I’m sure I’ve not told you anything you didn’t already know.

None of the above will make a jot of difference if his mum and grandparents keep killing him with ‘kindness’. Is he aware that he is obese?

Also just to say do buy clothes that fit and suit, because looking bad will only add to him feeling bad and eating for comfort is a big factor.

He weighs 3 stone more than my 15 (16 next month) year old who is 6 foot and has age 16-17 school trousers for the new term with an adjustable waist so they are not too big.