To think SS needs to lose some serious weight?

[JoandLily]

I went shopping the other day for some new school uniform for my step son who is 14. He has always been slightly overweight so I bought him age 16 trousers. He tried these on and they would not go near him. To cut a long story short we had to but him 36 inch waist trousers from the men's section and to me I think that's totally unacceptable at his age. My dh seems to think 'kids are getting bigger these days anyway' and doesn't seem really concerned. He weighs 13 and a half stone. Can I ask what you lot think? Aibu to think he needs to lose a lot of weight?

At 14 he may be due a big puberty growth spurt. My DS gets fatter round the middle just before a spurt and then almost overnight he loses the weight and gains an inch in height. Saying that losing weight for teenage boys is pretty easy. If they just lay off the junk for a few weeks they tend to lose it pretty quickly.

I think lots of kids have stacked on weight over lockdown. I think you should review in six months time - he might be due for a growth spurt and being more active at school is likely to make a difference

Buy him clothes that fit. Stop judging him and thinking in harsh terms like "unacceptable". It's only a step away from him being unacceptable. Fat shaming won't help him maintain healthy weight.

He's still growing, the aim should be to maintain his weight so he grows into it.

What nonsense , he doesn’t need to grow into his weight he needs to loose it. It’s not fat shaming to care about someone’s health, obesity kills.

My DSD is the same and it's heartbreaking. She's 13 and wearing a women's size 14/16. She's barely 5 feet tall. Her mum doesn't see the issue and it's only getting worse. There really isn't much you can do except encourage DH to bring it up with the mum.....but good bloody luck! It's not as if mum is blind.

Yes he sounds overweight however a lot of teenage boys tend “balance out” as they go through puberty. He will also already know, as kids are cruel, so I don’t see how you telling him will help.

A 36" waist at his height is terrible and is setting him up for a lifetime of health issues. Does he have any hobbies or interests that might encourage him to follow a healthier lifestyle?

I think you need to put pressure on his father to step up and be a parent. Being a step parent is difficult and unless you have a very good relationship where you can sit down and ask your SS how he feels about his weight then I doubt you can do much.

Yes he does need to lose weight for his health. But be careful about how you address this. More physical activity when he's with you?

Poor boy. My husband at 6ft 3 went up to a 38 inch waist. He was seriously fat. He's lost 4 stone since then.

You need to get your dh on board. He can't want to be that overweight.

Even my whippet thin teen has managed to put a teeny belly on during lockdown. I think the key will be to encourage more healthy activities - could you suggest to his dad that him and SS take up an active hobby together? That could also help with his confidence.

My 17 years old DS is 6 foot tall and wears 30” waist trousers. DH is the same height, weighs 12 and a half stone and wears 32”-34” trousers.

14 yo, 5’8” and that heavy IS a future health issue and a caring parent should be addressing this sensitively.

@roundturnandtwohalfhitches

At 14 he may be due a big puberty growth spurt. My DS gets fatter round the middle just before a spurt and then almost overnight he loses the weight and gains an inch in height. Saying that losing weight for teenage boys is pretty easy. If they just lay off the junk for a few weeks they tend to lose it pretty quickly.

Both my DSs do this. A couple of weeks into lockdown DS2 (13) struggled to button up his 30" waist shorts and was the same height as me. A few weeks later his 28" shorts are hanging off him and he's 4" taller than me!

He's still growing, the aim should be to maintain his weight so he grows into it.

The aim should be to try and help him prevent heart disease, diabetes and breathing problems.

He doesn't need to maintain that sort of weight, he needs to lose it.

Is your DH overweight? Because his son certainly is. 190 pounds at 5'8, with a 36" waist and only 13 years old is fat. That waist line isn't going to just disappear if he grows a bit taller; he'll have to eat sensibly and exercise, do sport, move. I'm guessing he's not doing any of that.

This country has normalised fat. I see so many overweight children daily, and that was before lockdown where even more pounds were piled on by already overweight children. It's awful.

My DH is 6'2 and weighs what this 13 year old does at 5'8.

The 13 year old is fat.

You have said that he has gained weight in lockdown so presumably he has been doing less exercise and eating more than normal. Hopefully when he returns to school at least he will be doing some sport again .

I think the best that you can do is continue staring your concerns to your DH in the hope that he will understand that this is a concern and perhaps try to speak with the boy's mother so they can agree a supportive strategy If that doesn't happen then just ensure that toy continue providing healthy meals when he's with you and try to encourage good role modelling by being active yourself .

Obviously don't talk about this in front of SS but you need to make it clear to his dad that his son's health is greatly at risk. Getting more active when he's at your home is pretty much all you can do though, his dad needs to talk to SS's mum about working together to improve their son's health (I hope they get on, otherwise that may not work)

He does sound heavy, my DS is the same age, a couple of inches taller, weighs 8 and a half stone and I've just bought him 28" waist jeans.

I don't think it's your responsibility to say anything to him, but I suggest cooking healthy meals (when it's your turn to cook) and avoid keeping snacks in the house.

Do you know why his dad isn’t concerned? Is he overweight?

We’re on track for this, my DSS is morbidly obese and DH is very concerned but his mum thinks it’s fine and says people are all different shapes and sizes. No 11 year old should wobble all over when he runs or eat one a half large adult sized pizzas but she’s extremely overweight herself and him being big seems to make her feel better. It’s genuinely tragic.

At 14 there are loads of ways he can access unhealthy choices himself and if he’s used to being given nutritionless crap at his GPs and mum’s there’s bugger all you can do in the time you have him so I’d try to let it go. What else can you do? He’s being failed by fucking awful parenting.

Why are you buying his uniform? Is there a reason his dad isn’t doing it?

Classic example of step mother know your place - expected to your own time and possibly money running around sorting uniform but god forbid you have or dare to share an opinion...

If he's overweight it's both of his parents responsibility - no point saying "he eats well when he's with us"

Are you suggesting she has any say in what he eats with his mother? I assume not so don’t be stupid. Literally all she can do is control the food he has when he’s with his dad and OP. It is his mother’s fault, it’s unlikely to be particularly complex. How can you defend this? Are your DC obese?

@PamDemic

I assume you're writing this because you feel The mother is at fault and you want to have a go at her

If he's overweight it's both of his parents responsibility - no point saying "he eats well when he's with us" And we all know the causes of obesity are complex anyway .

I'm not sure what the point is of posting on here tbh apart from malice

Jesus what a massive assumption.

Why are there always accusations of malice and fat shaming when someone is worried about a child's weight and that child isn't actually theirs?

It is actually possible to care about a step-child and be genuine

It is actually possible to care about a step-child and be genuine

Brace yourself Worra...

@JoandLily But what are you going to do with the opinions? This is an issue for his parents.

My DH is 5ft 8ins (not the tallest chap!) and weighs about 10st 10lbs, and wears a mens’ 32” waist. I wouldn’t expect a healthy teenage boy to be that much bigger (as in wider) than him... I think it’s sad so many posters are saying it’s nothing to do with you, yes okay you can’t barge in and put him on a diet but as his stepmum surely you still have a role as a carer for him? He obviously is in need of someone who cares about his health. I don’t think you should just leave him there to drown cause he’s ‘not yours’

At 14 and presumably back at school this week/next, yes, he is overweight, but he's about to do the 14 year old boy thing of sprouting several inches in a very short time whilst having fewer opportunities to eat crap (because he's in lessons), more activity and more of a routine.

So, if things remain the same in food, there is a very good chance that he'll stretch out to around a 32-34" waist with no noticeable effort.

To give an example, I'm a fat bastard. I put weight on in lockdown on 1600 kcals a day, much to my disgust, but I was ill, I didn't leave the house, I couldn't move for gasping for breath. I had to buy new trousers and a couple of tops to be able to go back to work, 1-2 sizes larger than I was wearing in March.

I've worked for ten days, five hours a day, over the last 28. Hardly an Olympic level effort. Those new clothes are already hanging off my waist. I haven't changed what I've eaten, I haven't got taller, but I have been moving for the first time since the end of March.

It's very possible that your SS will get slimmer just from being back at school - and lots of them will be conscious that they've put on weight, the staff will be conscious of the plummeting levels of activity and fitness and PE will be planning ways to get all kids fitter and slimmer without embarrassing them or drawing attention to the weight gains.

I'd say hold your own counsel. Because things are very different this year and putting pressure on never works. Hopefully, it will begin to resolve itself and if it doesn't, well all you should do is provide good quality meals when you cook - in appropriate portions for the eating machines that are teenage boys in the growth spurt that takes many of them to over six foot, not for teeny tiny women in their thirties and forties - and leave it to him, not his parents, to deal with.