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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Young Adult son's washing

127 replies

Dawny65 · 30/08/2020 09:09

This isn't an AIBU or a real problem as such, but do any of you still do your adult ds's washing? I only work part time so I have the time to do it. It does annoy me though, as he never thinks to offer to put a load on. Just doesn't think, too busy thinking about his own life & forgets that there isn't a magic washing fairy - it's me! I even have to remind him to change his bedding. To be fair though, he does do his fair share of other jobs around the house so he's not completely lazy/thoughtless.
If I was a young adult son I would be grossed out about sorting through my parents dirty underwear if I was to put a load on too, so I can understand
I feel like making him not wanting to do a full family load.
I feel like making him do his own laundry & refusing to do his. It will make him see how quickly it builds up so will hopefully teach him to get into a routine with his laundry; but it is such a waste of water, electric & detergent not to combine his laundry with ours.
He's early 20's & saving for a deposit so it's not a problem that he still lives with us. It's just his laundry that's annoying. Don't want to carry on doing it as I want him to take care of his own stuff, plan his chores into his routine instead of relying on me but, but I don't want to waste resources either.
What routine do you have with stuff like this please?

OP posts:
araiwa · 30/08/2020 13:32

Are you all going down to the river with a scrubbing board and mangle??

Id struggle to care so much about a task that takes 2 minutes at most

Original poster
Dawny65 · 30/08/2020 13:40

@araiwa haha, no we're not. And I don't care about it that much to be honest, so I feel quite petty even discussing it; but his future wife might care when he leaves it all to her! If you don't care, why did you bother to comment?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 30/08/2020 13:43

My children except my 5yo does their own laundry. I will not do an adults laundry

WendyHoused · 30/08/2020 13:46

Suggest he set weekly recurring reminders on his phone? We do that for bin days, watering plants, collecting from Brownies (long since past) and similar stuff.

Serin · 30/08/2020 14:19

We have had all 3 of our young adults home for lockdown. We just chuck everyones laundry in the utility room and who ever is putting a load on, sorts it out. It never crossed my mind that they might be bothered having to handle other people's dirty items. 2 of them are nurses though, so I guess they have seen worse.Grin

nokidshere · 30/08/2020 14:19

Mumnetters live in a bizarre world where no one is able to communicate, families live like flat mates and no one ever grows up to do things for themselves. I don't believe anyone who says their 7/8/9/10 yr olds do their own washing.

Meanwhile back in real life growing up and thinking for yourself is a continual process.

My two have been home from uni since March. I do not, and have not, been in their rooms since they were about 12/13 I don't remind them to change their bedding or wash their clothes or clean their rooms. I told them clearly when they were 12/13 that If it's in the washing basket it gets washed, if it's not then hard luck. If they needed something that wasn't clean and moaned I simply said "oh dear" and left them to it. Most usually DH does the laundry but anyone who who sees a full load is ready puts it on. We have a half load too so no need to wait for lots. We wash, cook and clean for each other depending on who's around to do it.

You need to clearly communicate your expectations. But after you have communicated those expectations you need to leave them to it. There is absolutely no value in saying what you want then not following it and then moaning because they aren't doing it as you would like.

My two boys are perfectly able to plan their lives and look after themselves when they are away from home despite being teenagers when they started doing their own chores.

Lolwhat · 30/08/2020 16:58

I started doing my own washing at 11, mum would put a few bits in if she was doing a load but ultimately it was my responsibility, she wasn’t going to go through my room digging about for my dirty washing and I was incapable of putting it in the basket myself🤣

Leaannb · 30/08/2020 17:01

@nokidshere

Mumnetters live in a bizarre world where no one is able to communicate, families live like flat mates and no one ever grows up to do things for themselves. I don't believe anyone who says their 7/8/9/10 yr olds do their own washing.

Meanwhile back in real life growing up and thinking for yourself is a continual process.

My two have been home from uni since March. I do not, and have not, been in their rooms since they were about 12/13 I don't remind them to change their bedding or wash their clothes or clean their rooms. I told them clearly when they were 12/13 that If it's in the washing basket it gets washed, if it's not then hard luck. If they needed something that wasn't clean and moaned I simply said "oh dear" and left them to it. Most usually DH does the laundry but anyone who who sees a full load is ready puts it on. We have a half load too so no need to wait for lots. We wash, cook and clean for each other depending on who's around to do it.

You need to clearly communicate your expectations. But after you have communicated those expectations you need to leave them to it. There is absolutely no value in saying what you want then not following it and then moaning because they aren't doing it as you would like.

My two boys are perfectly able to plan their lives and look after themselves when they are away from home despite being teenagers when they started doing their own chores.

I could take a picture for you.Today is my 12 yos day for laundry. All my children start doing their laundry at 9. If they don't do it they don't have clean clothes.
formerbabe · 30/08/2020 17:07

All my children start doing their laundry at 9. If they don't do it they don't have clean clothes

God this is harsh. I think it's pretty pathetic to do the laundry of adult dc but 9 is still really little.

I started doing laundry from a young age as my mum was ill and died when I was a child. I'm just pissed off looking back as I don't think it made me independent, it just gave me more years of my life doing sodding laundry.

minnieok · 30/08/2020 17:18

I bought my DD's laundry baskets for their 16th birthdays. Actually Dd2 when home from university dumps her washing in my laundry basket but I come home to mine fine do don't complain!

DramaAlpaca · 30/08/2020 17:25

DS22, who's a student, lives at home and does his own laundry.

When his older brothers, both working full time, came back home to live for a few months, both voluntarily paid me a small amount of keep. One did his own laundry and the other asked me if I'd mind doing it for him. I said fine, but his keep would accordingly be a bit more than his brother's. Deal done, both of us happy.

Joolsin · 30/08/2020 17:28

My DS18 is in the final weeks of my doing his laundry - my rule is I do the washing while they're in full- time education, once they finish school, I finish the washing!!

Skyla2005 · 30/08/2020 17:30

Why does it bother you. His your son not a lodger ???

VirginiaWolverine · 30/08/2020 17:32

My son is 10 and mostly does his own laundry (although I had a laundry amnesty last week and did everyone's because I was feeling kind, and also because I wanted to do my own laundry on the children's laundry day).

Leaannb · 30/08/2020 17:34

@formerbabe

All my children start doing their laundry at 9. If they don't do it they don't have clean clothes

God this is harsh. I think it's pretty pathetic to do the laundry of adult dc but 9 is still really little.

I started doing laundry from a young age as my mum was ill and died when I was a child. I'm just pissed off looking back as I don't think it made me independent, it just gave me more years of my life doing sodding laundry.

They aren't that little at 9. Its a perfectly reasonable age to start
FippertyGibbett · 30/08/2020 17:35

I do all of the washing as there’s no point putting the washer and tumbler on twice when I can just put theirs in too.

monkeymonkey2010 · 30/08/2020 17:40

saving for a deposit
Really????
When he doesn't even have the basic common sense, courtesy, manners or 'awareness' to pull his own weight in the place he currently lives in?

Perhaps he'd be better of renting first, in a house share with non-related people so he can learn how to function like an adult independently?

'Responsible' enough for a mortgage and house and all that goes with it - yet not 'responsible' enough to even THINK to put a load of washing on.....

Murmurur · 30/08/2020 17:43

I think you'll be doing him a favour to get him taking more responsibility for his washing. It doesn't sound like it'll be a big fight, but it might need you to get another laundry basket and step back. It doesn't matter if other people do their grown up children's washing or make their 3 year olds do their own. It's bugging you, so redraw the boundaries.

Machines these days are pretty good at adapting the water use etc for the size of the load, so unless yours is particularly elderly, you don't need to be too obsessive about "making up the load".

anon5000 · 30/08/2020 17:45

I just used to make a load up of every ones washing.

Do people really make 9 year olds do their own washing?

VirginiaWolverine · 30/08/2020 17:51

I used to make up a load of everyone's laundry, but I hated sorting it and putting it away, and nobody ever put away their own because they didn't realise I'd done it, and DD would complain that I hadn't washed something she needed for the next day. So I taught them how to do their own, aged 10 and 13 and it worked out better for everyone.

lyralalala · 30/08/2020 17:57

I don't see the drama in this one.

The lad does his own washing when his parents are away. He does his fair share of jobs around the house.

This isn't one of those lazy adult children stories.

Just tell him to do his own laundry from now on or ask him to switch one of the jobs he currently does for doing the family laundry instead.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/08/2020 18:02

We all do the laundry in my house (Dh, adult DD, teen DS)

GeorgeTheFirst · 30/08/2020 18:06

It's just me and 20 yo DS at home at the moment.

He does chores - but only when asked. When he is away at university presumably he thinks to do them or he wouldn't eat. I know he changes his bedding there weekly. I guess he sees this as "my patch" and reverts to how he was as a younger teenager. I don't mind. I give him a chore (or a few) every day and he does it, it has become normal over lockdown.

He doesn't share the mental load, but he isn't my partner and I don't expect that of him.

I don't ask him to put the washing on as I don't want him rummaging in my dirty knickers. I think it is different when it's your wife or girlfriend than your mum! So I put laundry on, then ask him to hang it on the line or put it in the drier, and fold it. Works for us.

GeorgeTheFirst · 30/08/2020 18:07

WHY DOES THE ANDROID APP TAKE OUT THE PARAGRAPHS AAARGH

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 30/08/2020 18:08

My children each have to do a load each and they're early-mid teens and abpre teen! I supervise the pre teen (so it's more learning than useful, but also about the older ones seeing he does his but too) but not the teens.
They were given the alternative of doing all their own washing and not putting anything into the family wash, or doing one load per week of family washing, and all chose the latter, although the eldest (a DD) also does her own separately sometimes especially if she wants certain things clean immediately.
For context I still do 4+ loads of family washing per week.