DP wants me to cut out friend.

[Familyshitshow]

A bit of back story:

My dad passed away last year leaving me his house. My dad was single since he broke up from mum years ago and his best friend became more like a brother to him. They’d hang out every night and when I’d visit my dad the friend, Pete, would be over too. I’ve known Pete for years, and he’s always been a quiet bachelor, not many friends and probably why him and my dad were always together (including Xmas day etc).

Pete also helps me out a lot, with my dads wake he spent every night after work coming over to get the garden into shape. My light switch fell off one night and the next evening he came over without being asked with a new one and fixed it. For months I didn’t realise he was servicing my car making sure the oil/water/tires was topped up etc. I’ve started renovating my house as Pete advices me/helps out/picks things up in his van - I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and neither would my partner without him. Steve seems to enjoy helping out, he used to help my dad out a lot with various things as it seems just to be his nature.

My partner spends a lot of time here but he hasn’t moved in full time. He was complaining that Pete is here all the time and we didn’t have much quality time (he’s also said he doesn’t have that much in common with Pete) so when my DP hasn’t been here sometimes Steve comes over, not always alone as sometimes I invite other family over, sometimes Pete comes over to do a job for me, sometimes when I’ve got food to use up I’ll cook us dinner.

I think Pete does have a soft spot but more as a niece. He’s never made me feel uncomfortable and never gave the impression he sees me more than a friend/niece.

My DP wants me to take a step back from Pete, or at least don’t see him without DP being around. Pete is very much turned into a father-like figure and without us Pete wouldn’t really socialise outside of work/his one other friend - he is very lonely. I also don’t really know many people here outside of family as I didn’t grow up around here either.

I’m not sure what I should do?

Are Steve and Pete the same person OP

Yes

So much at trying to be anonymous (very tired).

A boyfriend who tried to control me like that would not move in with me because he'd no longer be my boyfriend. I decide how I spend my time and with whom, not some guy. Pete/Steve would still be around and I'd find another boyfriend.The bit about 'don't see him unless I'm around' but then he doesn't want Pete/Steve around. Nope.

'It's a pity you feel that way. I think I'll take a step back from you instead.'

I don't think you should cut the guy out. You are probably giving him a reason to get up every day.

Pete/Steve sounds wonderful. Your boyfriend not so much. Sounds like Pete being involved in your life is a good thing for both of you, don't throw that away.

Pete/Steve sounds lovely. Your partner not so much. Please don’t let him dictate to you who you can and can’t have in your own house.

Ok, I’ll be the awful person here: I think I’d be thoroughly pissed off if my DP had someone else constantly around. My dh regularly invites the 85 year old neighbour round (we’re 40s) and sometimes, I have to say enough is enough, once a week for dinner is enough!

Older ladies love my dh, I was even told ‘Of course id rather see your dh’ by one, not the neighbour who loves me and who I love. Sometimes, it’s just too bloody much, the constant presence.

Your DP may find it creepy, he may feel oppressed by the constant hovering of this guy who seems to have transferred his appreciation of your dad’s companionship for yours. Are you inviting him for Christmas??

Told you I was going to be the awful person. 😢

Don't listen to your boyfriend.

Do actively encourage Pete/Steve to make new friends. It's not in his best interests to become too dependent on you.

He doesn't even live with you. He's a crap, controlling boyfriend. Bin.

I think Pete feels like he should protect you in a dad type roll (not a replacement of course). That’s amazing that you have him and I’m sure your dad would be so pleased that you have Pete around. Go with your gut instinct! I’d say if Pete was literally there all the time then maybe that’s a bit much, but if it’s contact once a day then I don’t see the harm in that. Your dad hasn’t even been gone a year. Pete’s probably very lonely and by helping you and staying close to you he maybe feels closer to his friend. I don’t think you need to justify to your boyfriend why you don’t agree with him if you don’t either.

I would be unhappy at any DP trying to limit or manage who I spent time with. Today it's Pete but there's an undercurrent of you can only spend time with men if your DP is there. Is he Mike Pence and avoids being alone with women?
Does anyone else get 'odd' vibes from Pete? My DBs friend was always at our house. I very much viewed him as another big brother and because of that I missed signs he viewed me differently.

What do you WANT to do?

If he doesn't make you feel uncomfortable and you don't dont believe he is overstepping any boundaries, then I don't think your partner really is a leg to stand on- have you asked him why he's bothered about Steve? What it is that makes him uncomfortable? The car rising without telling/ asking you does seem a wee bit odd to me- I would expect to know if someone was tinkering with my car, but it does sound like he fills more of an uncle role than a potential suitor. Your partner needs to look at what it is that makes him uncomfortable and work it out for himself.

My heart is breaking for Peeve; lonely men in late middle age are my absolute bloody Achilles heel. Please don't cut him out, ffs. Your fella probably doesn't even have his own Black & Decker workbench, the inadequate.
Find out if there is a Men's Shed near you. Peeve (and possibly his other friend) might benefit from joining one. But please don't sever the friendship.

Peeve 😂

I know your boyfriend is a man so is about to be crucified on mumsnet but I completely agree with him. Pete sounds lovely and so do you but your relationship with Pete doesn't sound healthy and doesn't sound in either of your best interests.

(And I don't mean it sounds creepy. Imagine Pete is your uncle.)

For you, it sounds like you are infantilised by the relationship. He comes round and basically helps you with things you should and can do as a home owner and adult. The worst to me is the oil and water. Er, you run a car, you tax and insure it. You should be checking the oil and water yourself! The fact it's now "his job" to do something so basic suggests that instead of doing things yourself, you are allowing this man to take care of you in an inappropriate way. You are an adult. Make decisions yourself and... with your partner? Like an adult.

As for Pete, he is completely dependent on you and your company. Be honest, are you going to have Pete round to the house at this level of frequency for the next 20 years? With children, job issues, everything else going on? or is he just useful now to help with your house and garden. If you aren't committing to become his main relationship and carer, then you are better off helping him make other friends and become less dependent on you.

And mumsnet loves double standards so even though MIL are required to sign a contract in triplicate before so much as crossing the threshold of your home twice a year, your partner is supposed to accept that Pete visits you and hangs out with the two of you several times a week... for ever and otherwise it's controlling? Even if Pete were your dad, your partner can still ask that he spend time alone with you and not have your dad constantly there.

Honestly this whole thing is extremely strange.

Is Pete protecting you from your DP or is your DP protecting you from Pete or do you get to decide what feels right.
Pete is lonely you can't fix that but you can accept in their own way he was your dad's partner not romantically but his other half in a way. Dies this affect how you manage the relationship.
My first nighle with an ex and he turned out to be a t××t was when he asked a visiting friend to leave my flat as he was tired (by had his own flat close by).don't let a man decide what you do

Your BF is reasonable to say he would like to see you without Pete's constant presence. He's not reasonable to say you can't see Pete without him.

Maybe dump the BF and also try to encourage Pete to widen his social circle?

Do YOU enjoy having Pete around? Have you agreed to this level of contact? Does he ask before he comes over?

My light switch fell off one night and the next evening he came over without being asked with a new one and fixed it. For months I didn’t realise he was servicing my car making sure the oil/water/tires was topped up etc. I’ve started renovating my house as Pete advices me/helps out/picks things up in his van - I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and neither would my partner without him. Steve seems to enjoy helping out, he used to help my dad out a lot with various things as it seems just to be his nature

Some of these would make me feel uneasy. I would not be comfortable with somebody deciding to make repairs on my home without any discussion. Same goes for my car. My car is my personal space and I'm quite able to check my own tyres. I wonder if he's feeling far too comfortable in your home and wandering off with your car keys.

It doesn't really matter whether he is lonely or not. What matters is whether you want that type of relationship with him.I'm afraid I'm getting on a bit and the fondness/ niece/ uncle thing wouldn't sit well with me. Old or lonely or whatever he's still a man and I'm surprised people on this thread haven't picked up on his lack of boundaries regarding your car.

@ChristmasCarcass

Your BF is reasonable to say he would like to see you without Pete's constant presence. He's not reasonable to say you can't see Pete without him.

Maybe dump the BF and also try to encourage Pete to widen his social circle?

I agree ^^. There should be separate time in your life for both men. And if your BF can't accept that then he needs to hit the road. If he gets away with telling you who you can and can't see that's the start of a very slippery slope.

Do you think there's any possibility that your dad and Pete were more than just friends? It would account for Pete stepping into a fatherly role.

@Merryoldgoat

What do you WANT to do?

This.

Also, what do YOU want to do?

Pete/Steve sounds lovely and it sounds as if you're happy to have him around. Your DP sounds threatened by this relationship: why?

My DP wants me to take a step back from Pete, or at least don’t see him without DP being around.

Is he reading Pete as predatory, or you as over-involved? Or is he just jealous and controlling?

Only you will know.

And why are you asking MN rather than talking to your DP about it?

When you say Pete is there regularly, do you mean a couple of times a week or pretty much every evening? If it’s 5/6 evenings a week, I can see why your DP might want to spend more time alone with you- after all, it’s you he’s interested in, not Pete! A friend of mine had another friend who was lonely ( even though she had her own family, think there were some issues) and she started coming over most evenings. It did get too much as they had no time to themselves. My friend had to make up some excuses to not see her so regularly.

Pete sounds lovely and of course you should continue to see him. But if it’s daily, perhaps consider abit less? Maybe go over to your DP’s a couple of evenings a week instead?

The boyfriend probably just wants to get jiggy more often (if 'quality time' is code for sex!) and he can't get what he wants if Peter's always hanging around. Peter seems overly involved, tbh, but if he's the same age as your Dad he might just be 'looking out for you' to honour your Dad and their friendship. I'd talk to my bf and see what his issue is: he might be concerned Peter has some ulterior motive that you don't see. I wouldn't necessarily see the bf's behaviour as 'controlling', yet.

Me? I'd be suspicious if a 'quiet bachelor' started making himself indispensable to me; weirdos and child molesters often become 'trusted' members of the family before you realise their true intentions. I'm not suggesting Peter is either of those things as I don't know him, but changing the oil and water in your car without you knowing seems odd, to me. Overstepping. I've met a few of those 'white knight' types who have eventually revealed themselves to be either deluded or dangerous. You've just lost your Dad and are being kind to his 'lonely' friend, but sometimes our kindness can be a weakness other people exploit. You yourself think he's 'fond' of you, and I'd agree with the boyfriend that somebody else should be around when he visits, just so he can see romance isn't a possibility, and I wouldn't have him helping out so much in your home, either, just in case he misconstrues it as him getting his feet under the table...

You need better boundaries around men.

Peeve shouldn't be servicing your car without your knowledge FFS.

Boyfriend shouldn't be telling you who to hang out with.