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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants me to cut out friend.

91 replies

Familyshitshow · 30/08/2020 00:11

A bit of back story:

My dad passed away last year leaving me his house. My dad was single since he broke up from mum years ago and his best friend became more like a brother to him. They’d hang out every night and when I’d visit my dad the friend, Pete, would be over too. I’ve known Pete for years, and he’s always been a quiet bachelor, not many friends and probably why him and my dad were always together (including Xmas day etc).

Pete also helps me out a lot, with my dads wake he spent every night after work coming over to get the garden into shape. My light switch fell off one night and the next evening he came over without being asked with a new one and fixed it. For months I didn’t realise he was servicing my car making sure the oil/water/tires was topped up etc. I’ve started renovating my house as Pete advices me/helps out/picks things up in his van - I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and neither would my partner without him. Steve seems to enjoy helping out, he used to help my dad out a lot with various things as it seems just to be his nature.

My partner spends a lot of time here but he hasn’t moved in full time. He was complaining that Pete is here all the time and we didn’t have much quality time (he’s also said he doesn’t have that much in common with Pete) so when my DP hasn’t been here sometimes Steve comes over, not always alone as sometimes I invite other family over, sometimes Pete comes over to do a job for me, sometimes when I’ve got food to use up I’ll cook us dinner.

I think Pete does have a soft spot but more as a niece. He’s never made me feel uncomfortable and never gave the impression he sees me more than a friend/niece.

My DP wants me to take a step back from Pete, or at least don’t see him without DP being around. Pete is very much turned into a father-like figure and without us Pete wouldn’t really socialise outside of work/his one other friend - he is very lonely. I also don’t really know many people here outside of family as I didn’t grow up around here either.

I’m not sure what I should do?

OP posts:
Rubbleonthedouble1 · 30/08/2020 01:59

It looks tk me like Pete/Steve is trying to look after you like a dad would which is sweet! Maybe a little over the top changing oil water etc without you knowing though xx

MaliceOrgan · 30/08/2020 02:00

The car thing just sounds weird as fuck and really intrusive so maybe Pete/Steve's presence is ringing alarms for your partner. I'd thank Pete/Steve but definitely dial it down.

DopamineHits · 30/08/2020 02:25

And why are you asking MN rather than talking to your DP about it?

You know if everyone did this, the forum would close down.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 30/08/2020 02:32

@DopamineHits

And why are you asking MN rather than talking to your DP about it?

You know if everyone did this, the forum would close down.

Touchée! Grin

But seriously, if more people talked to their DPs... And if more DPs were actually reasonable people...

One can dream.

ImaSababa · 30/08/2020 06:59

Pete sounds like a weirdo who needs to let go.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/08/2020 07:29

Do you think your dad and Peeve were in a relationship? Or that your dad asked him to look after you if anything ever happened to him?

I have a dad and a stepdad and neither are relatable or caring enough to help me out like Peeve is for you. I’d adopt him as a de-facto dad and get rid of the controlling boyfriend. It seems like one really cares about you and the other cares about being in control of you.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/08/2020 07:30

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Do you think your dad and Peeve were in a relationship? Or that your dad asked him to look after you if anything ever happened to him?

I have a dad and a stepdad and neither are relatable or caring enough to help me out like Peeve is for you. I’d adopt him as a de-facto dad and get rid of the controlling boyfriend. It seems like one really cares about you and the other cares about being in control of you.

Reliable not relatable
KeepingPlain · 30/08/2020 07:48

I'd find the car thing too weird and intrusive too. Not asking before he makes mechanical decisions on my car would not be appreciated in the slightest because what if he did a bad job? That's potentially my life at risk. I mean so far it's only been a small service and tyre checking, what if he soon thinks the brakes need done but messes up accidentally and doesn't even tell you he was doing it? Highly worrying.

Beautiful3 · 30/08/2020 07:59

You're very lucky to have your dads friend look after you. Please don't listen to your boyfriend.

Quire · 30/08/2020 08:01

Flip Pete/Steve’s sex for a minute, and imagine an lonely older woman who was doing domestic/garden chores for you without telling you, let alone continually coming over and irritating your boyfriend — she’d be seen as interfering, infantilising you and in need of a hobby, rather than it being some cute, positive uncle-ish thing.

I agree with whoever said you need better boundaries around men — you should grow out of needingPete/Steve continually hovering to help you out P, and shouldn’t have a partner throwing his weight around about who you can see.

Takingontheworld · 30/08/2020 08:12

Hmm. Unless BF has form for being controlling etc i would hazard a guess that he is picking up on a predatory vibe that you are missing (as others have inferred you may have some boundary issues causing you to miss this)

I imagine your dad was petes only family/friend and maybe he hopes to stay involved... maybe your dad asked him to "look after you"? Before he passed?

There's definitely some overstepping and over involvement but all that matters is that you draw those boundaries.

firsttimemummyxxxxx · 30/08/2020 08:14

I think as the months go on that Pete will become more independent, at the moment as you’re both grieving it is natural to cling onto something that feels close to the person you’ve lost. I was the same when I lost my dad, I wanted to be around people who just wanted to speak about him etc... but as the months go on, the need for that is less!

Hope it works out for you x

redcarbluecar · 30/08/2020 08:17

Can see why your DP might find Pete’s constant presence a bit wearing, but nobody has the right to tell you who to be friends with, and I think that’s the most important thing here.

Poppet1974 · 30/08/2020 08:24

I think Pete sounds lovely like he’s doing all the practical things that your Dad might have done for you. He’s looking out for you.
I agree that as the months go by he will probably do this less too.
What do you want?
I agree with others that your boyfriend/partner sounds controlling.
Sorry for your loss 💐

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 08:24

Op. Ignore your boyfriends wishes.

You decide what you want. If you’re happy with Pete coming round then tell your boyfriend to accept it. If you’re not then maybe start to tell Pete some nights aren’t suitable,

But make this about what you want, not your boyfriend.

Thehop · 30/08/2020 08:58

Your boyfriend sounds v controlling. Peeve sounds like he’s told your dad he’ll look after you. Personally I’d get rid of controlling boyfriend first.

What do you want to do?

Someone9 · 30/08/2020 09:17

Your fella probably doesn't even have his own Black & Decker workbench, the inadequate.

🤣

Newmumatlast · 30/08/2020 09:23

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Do you think your dad and Peeve were in a relationship? Or that your dad asked him to look after you if anything ever happened to him?

I have a dad and a stepdad and neither are relatable or caring enough to help me out like Peeve is for you. I’d adopt him as a de-facto dad and get rid of the controlling boyfriend. It seems like one really cares about you and the other cares about being in control of you.

This was exactly my feeling. Pete/Steve was in a relationship with Dad and thus feels responsible for his daughter
nosswith · 30/08/2020 09:26

I wonder if Covid 19 and the lack of some places/things to do or the risks involved has a part here, and Pete would be about a lot less in normal times?

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2020 09:31

I think Pete needs to develop hobbies, a social circle etc of his own and step back. Not essy, I know, but not impossible.

His behaviour is a but inappropriate tbh.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2020 09:34

Pete may be overstepping some boundaries but he's being helpful. He sounds nice

The minute any boyfriend told me who I could and couldn't spend time with he'd be an ex

hereyehearye · 30/08/2020 09:36

I agree with the MrsTerryPratchett and MaliceOrgan that chores thing is actually really intrusive and you desperately need better boundaries around men.

I'm in my 30s and my dad still helps with house renovations and car buying and all the other stuff I need. My dad would come to my house, see my car was a mess, hear me complain about it and then just go get my car valeted. Brilliant! The difference between my dad and Pete is that my dad would talk about it. He wouldn't just secretly do things. He'd say "oh, I got your car valeted". Or "your tires seemed a bit low so I filled them up." Not spend months doing it behind your back.

You know, like in a normal relationship?

He also would ask me if I wanted things in conversation. So if I mentioned that my light switch was broken, he'd say "do you want me to come over and fix it?" He wouldn't just stay quiet in the conversation and then just turn up unexpectedly the next night to fix it.

The fact that you say that you'd "have no idea what I’d be doing and neither would my partner without him." is a really bad sign. Adults learn by doing. It sounds like you are just delegating everything over to him. My dad is the first person on site to project manage any building work I'm doing. He's found most of the tradesman that are my regulars and he's had tons of experience but you know what? I know that without him, it'd be additional work but I still have plenty of idea what I'm doing! I can still go on find-a-trader, I still do all my own research, pricing and watch youtube videos on how to bleed a radiator.

Unless you are really young, this isn't healthy.

Nemma96 · 30/08/2020 09:43

My dad passes away a 10years ago and he had a friend like this aswell, my dad was a single dad and saw his friend every day including Christmas aswell.

His friend helped me alot after my dad passed away amd was around loads for the first year or 2, now my dad friend has made new friends and does other stuff with his time but I still see him often and he still comes to help me if needed.

We were both grieving and he needed me just as much as I needed him and he helped me alot. I treat him as an uncle and still spend every Christmas with him like my we use to when my dad was alive.

Please don't let your BF push this guy out, he needs you to keep your dads memory alive as much as you most proberly need him.

I think Pete will start to make his own life once he's fully grieved but that also does not mean you have to cut him out forever.

lookatmememe · 30/08/2020 09:52

So was Pete/Steve your fathers partner ? So sees you as his step child ?

Bellevu · 30/08/2020 09:58

See if you can find a Home start, Men's shed, befriending or local reuse and recycling project that Peeve could join. Sounds like he wants to be useful and this is a good way to help others while building a community.

Wouldn't be fully happy with the boyfriend though.