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Original poster

DP wants me to cut out friend.

91 replies

Familyshitshow · 30/08/2020 00:11

A bit of back story:

My dad passed away last year leaving me his house. My dad was single since he broke up from mum years ago and his best friend became more like a brother to him. They’d hang out every night and when I’d visit my dad the friend, Pete, would be over too. I’ve known Pete for years, and he’s always been a quiet bachelor, not many friends and probably why him and my dad were always together (including Xmas day etc).

Pete also helps me out a lot, with my dads wake he spent every night after work coming over to get the garden into shape. My light switch fell off one night and the next evening he came over without being asked with a new one and fixed it. For months I didn’t realise he was servicing my car making sure the oil/water/tires was topped up etc. I’ve started renovating my house as Pete advices me/helps out/picks things up in his van - I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and neither would my partner without him. Steve seems to enjoy helping out, he used to help my dad out a lot with various things as it seems just to be his nature.

My partner spends a lot of time here but he hasn’t moved in full time. He was complaining that Pete is here all the time and we didn’t have much quality time (he’s also said he doesn’t have that much in common with Pete) so when my DP hasn’t been here sometimes Steve comes over, not always alone as sometimes I invite other family over, sometimes Pete comes over to do a job for me, sometimes when I’ve got food to use up I’ll cook us dinner.

I think Pete does have a soft spot but more as a niece. He’s never made me feel uncomfortable and never gave the impression he sees me more than a friend/niece.

My DP wants me to take a step back from Pete, or at least don’t see him without DP being around. Pete is very much turned into a father-like figure and without us Pete wouldn’t really socialise outside of work/his one other friend - he is very lonely. I also don’t really know many people here outside of family as I didn’t grow up around here either.

I’m not sure what I should do?

OP posts:
londonscalling · 30/08/2020 09:58

Realistically, how many times a week is Pete there when your partner is there?

Absolutelylush · 30/08/2020 10:02

I’d love a Peeve.

Alwaysinpain · 30/08/2020 12:42

@DopamineHits

And why are you asking MN rather than talking to your DP about it?

You know if everyone did this, the forum would close down.

This made me chuckle!
Alwaysinpain · 30/08/2020 12:43

Send Peeve to me! I have literally nobody. No family, no friends, nobody. So many things I need help with!

SandyY2K · 30/08/2020 13:10

How does someone service your car without you knowing about it?

I think you need to find a balance here. You need time alone with your boyfriend and you need to not let your dad's friend become overly dependent on you for socialisation.

Jux · 30/08/2020 14:13

I think if your dp wanted to take over from Pete, then he'd have stepped up and done all the stuff Pete does before now. He hasn't.

When you drop Pete, who is going to do all those things that Pete is doing now?

If you want to stay friends with Pete, then stay friends. If you want to drop him do it (but do it nicely and slowly).

It's not your dp's business, he hasn't even moved in and he hasn't shown any interest in helping you with all that maintenance that Pete does. He should be trying to anticipate what you need and getting it done before Pete can.

Corono · 30/08/2020 14:39

Pete sounds lovely, in the camp Pete!

SillyCow6 · 30/08/2020 15:09

I think Pete sounds a bit much tbh. If he had asked you before doing all these things, or if you had asked him to then great, he'd be an amazing person to have around. But to do it all unannounced is a bit weird.
I dont mean offence but do you ring him up, or when he's there moan about all the chores you need to do (ie car) and the jobs (lightswitch) and hope that he'll do it all for you?

RealBecca · 30/08/2020 18:48

He doesnt need to trust your friend, he needs to trust you.

Doesnt sound like he's trying to get to know him by being there, more like trying to chaperone.

Fuck that shit.

RealBecca · 30/08/2020 18:49

How would your dad feel if you dropped him like a hot potato? Doesn't seem very kind after all he's done for you, especially if he's lonely and you see eachother as family.

Roguesausage · 30/08/2020 21:45

I find the sympathy for single men like this a bit over the top. How can he be lonely if he's round at the ops constantly? Before that he was round the ops dads place all the time.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2020 21:52

Does anyone else get 'odd' vibes from Pete?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2020 22:04

Does anyone else get 'odd' vibes from Pete?

Apologies for hitting send too soon on my previous post.

Yes. Very much so. He sounds over-invested with OP's father - if not enmeshed - for anyone who is not a romantic partner. Now it seems he's transferred the same level of intensity to his relationship with his former friend's daughter. in making himself indispensable in this way, with far-too regular visits and meticulous car maintenance, he's putting her under obligation to him. And Irrespective of whether OP feels comfortable around him or otherwise he's making huge emotional demands on her, whether he means to or not. The frequency of those visits is something I wouldn't be comfortable with from close family members, no matter how much I loved them.

In terms of time 'Pete' is hugely over-invested here and there is something bordering obsessive in his conduct. OP isn't there to fill the emotional void of his loneliness and this is an unfair expectation to put upon anyone. I'm the first to say I wouldn't accept being told who I could and couldn't be friends with by a partner, but I'm sorry OP, on this occasion I can well see why your DP is unhappy. I would be, too.

Veiaola · 30/08/2020 22:09

I think Pete sounds lovely an wish I had a pete, I am quite envious. I think I would ditch the boyfriend before Pete.

CerealBeacon · 30/08/2020 22:16

I agree @Roguesausage. Equivalent behaviour from a woman of the same age would be viewed as interfering and intrusive.

But some women find the spectacle of lonely older masculinity uniquely touching — my mother has always gone teary-eyed over older men missing buttons and in grubby shirts buying food for one at the supermarket, whereas a grubbily-presented and woman of the same age would elicit comments about ‘letting yourself go’ and soap costing nothing. And she’s not alone.

CSIblonde · 30/08/2020 22:18

As long as he's not over every single night I don't see the problem . He's lonely, you appreciate the Uncle figure & repairs. Maybe talk to him & ask if he's interested in finding a partner or hobbies he's always meant to take up, so he'll meet more people. You can still have time for your bf, who should make an effort to get to know your friends anyway IMO.

Chipsahoy · 30/08/2020 22:30

I have a father figure friend. My dh welcomes him and loves him for being so amazing and supportive.
You have a partner problem here.

DailyFailstinks · 30/08/2020 22:52

Definitely don’t get rid of Pete, he sounds lovely! It sounds to me like he’s looking after you as he knows it’s what your dad would have wanted (and maybe your dad asked him to?).

Tillygetsit · 30/08/2020 23:23

OP how do you feel about it? I think Peeve should be gently asked to come a little less often and dp told to shut up.

Lougle · 31/08/2020 00:03

@Familyshitshow how is your relationship with your DP balanced? You have been left a house, presumably outright? Is your DP financially stable? Does he contribute fairly in the relationship? I think only you will know if your DP's complaint is reasonable or whether he is trying to cut you off from a source of support.

ILoveFood87 · 31/08/2020 00:03

Your BF is a controlling cunt bag who you should dump ASAP.

ILoveFood87 · 31/08/2020 00:06

He probably promised your dad to look out for you. Your bfs a totally dick. Don't let a man control you like that it's just wrong.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/08/2020 00:10

Op hasn't been back in 24 hours! My first though was that perhaps dad and peeve were in a relationship. Similar happened with my uncle. Nice though it is to have help, I'd find that a bit stifling. But whatever your comfort zones are op, that's what works for you.

Roguesausage · 31/08/2020 00:34

The op isn't a child and doesn't need looking after

All this talk of this old man being protective and taking it upon himself to look after her is really off and infantilising. There's nothing sweet about him thinking she can't do basic maintenance on her own car. It's actually really insulting. Id be worried about a man who made those sort of assumptions about women and also had issues with boundaries.

Gobbycop · 31/08/2020 02:32

Your BF is a controlling cunt bag who you should dump ASAP.

Slight over reaction there.

Her partner has a legitimate concern. Pete sounds a bit too familiar to me.

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