DP wants me to cut out friend.

[Familyshitshow]

A bit of back story:

My dad passed away last year leaving me his house. My dad was single since he broke up from mum years ago and his best friend became more like a brother to him. They’d hang out every night and when I’d visit my dad the friend, Pete, would be over too. I’ve known Pete for years, and he’s always been a quiet bachelor, not many friends and probably why him and my dad were always together (including Xmas day etc).

Pete also helps me out a lot, with my dads wake he spent every night after work coming over to get the garden into shape. My light switch fell off one night and the next evening he came over without being asked with a new one and fixed it. For months I didn’t realise he was servicing my car making sure the oil/water/tires was topped up etc. I’ve started renovating my house as Pete advices me/helps out/picks things up in his van - I’d have no idea what I’d be doing and neither would my partner without him. Steve seems to enjoy helping out, he used to help my dad out a lot with various things as it seems just to be his nature.

My partner spends a lot of time here but he hasn’t moved in full time. He was complaining that Pete is here all the time and we didn’t have much quality time (he’s also said he doesn’t have that much in common with Pete) so when my DP hasn’t been here sometimes Steve comes over, not always alone as sometimes I invite other family over, sometimes Pete comes over to do a job for me, sometimes when I’ve got food to use up I’ll cook us dinner.

I think Pete does have a soft spot but more as a niece. He’s never made me feel uncomfortable and never gave the impression he sees me more than a friend/niece.

My DP wants me to take a step back from Pete, or at least don’t see him without DP being around. Pete is very much turned into a father-like figure and without us Pete wouldn’t really socialise outside of work/his one other friend - he is very lonely. I also don’t really know many people here outside of family as I didn’t grow up around here either.

I’m not sure what I should do?

How do you feel?
How often is, ahem, Peeve there?

When you think about how you feel about this also consider how will you feel when all the jobs are done and he keeps turning up?

Pete sounds lovely, a steady uncle figure and someone who brings you close to your own dad.

I think your boyfriend is jealous of the role Pete plays. I would give the boyfriend the push or lay down the rules. Explain that uncle pete is part of your life and no he’s not going any where.

I suspect dad asked Pete to be a support to you and I suspect your dad would be very pleased that you’ve taken Pete under your wing too. Seems mutually beneficial

Imagine your boyfriend’s late mum’s friend, Auntie Irene, believes she has a mission to ‘look after’ your boyfriend, and is continually flitting in to do his ironing, leave him cakes and tend his flowerbeds, and is always there when you visit.

Hide your car keys in your knicker drawer!

It depends on how you feel about Pete and your boyfriend (how serious the boyfriend is, for one thing), but though your boyfriend shouldn't be dictating who you can be friends with, etc., I don't think it's surprising that he doesn't like having Pete around so much. If nothing else, he's said he wants more time alone with you, which seems straightforward and understandable.

Pete may be totally innocent, but it does sound like he's become unusually attached to you. Do you honestly want to be his "daughter figure" forever? If not, it's to everyone's benefit that you kindly, gently introduce some healthy boundaries to give yourself the space you need to be your own adult and him the nudge he may need to develop other friendships. That's not too say that you should exclude him, but just find ways to gradually limit your interactions, if you decide that's for the best.

However, if you're happy with Pete being this involved and are willing to see the boyfriend go if he can't handle Pete being a fixture in your life, that's also a valid choice. Maybe a new boyfriend who sees Pete as your "uncle" from the very beginning of the relationship won't be bothered as much, but don't be surprised if he also wants more alone time, if Pete is around too often.

I'd be thinking that Peeve is trying to keep an eye on you for your Dad and making sure that your house doesn't get taken over by a predatory and possessive boyfriend who capitalises upon bereavement/vulnerability/nobody to look out for you.

After all, a young woman who owns her house outright is quite a prize. As was the poor cow my ex targeted - he fully intended to chuck her out onto the street and keep the house her mother had left to her after a couple of years, once he realised that she wasn't prepared to sell it.

Your boyfriend is seeing Peeve as a threat to his plans. Whether that's because he wouldn't dream of doing anything for a woman without there being a sexual reward at the end of it, or whether it's more he sees pound signs in front of his eyes and an older man invested in your wellbeing and safety is potentially standing in his way, doesn't matter. The point is that he feels threatened and is dictating who you see and under what terms you are to be permitted to engage with him.

Men come and men go. But somebody like Peeve is like gold dust.

I also think a relationship was possible, but he might be an older Autistic man who doesn't do sexual, but is more than capable of being in a helping role. My brother was one of those men

@lookatmememe

So was Pete/Steve your fathers partner ? So sees you as his step child ?

This.

It seems that he sees OP as his daughter after being widowed from a long relationship?

He's acting like a Dad (though may need to come around less and ask first before doing work on cars etc). I wonder if he's worried he'll stop seeing OP and that's why he's so "present". If things were never official/out.

I’m team Peeve too.

He was basically your dad’s partner lbr (for all we know he might actually have been your dad’s partner) and he’s obviously stepping into that role now.

If you think he’s overstepping, then fine. But only you know that and you’re capable of making that decision for yourself.

That said, if Peeve does end up needing a new daughter figure, I’ll have him please. He sounds like a ledge.

Without knowing more details (does anyone get creepy vibes from Peeve, does your boyfriend try to control you in other ways) you shouldn't have to choose between them.
You could agree to have Peeve round for Sunday lunch every week and to do odd jobs, and help him find some midweek clubs/activities to meet new friends.
You could explain to DP that Peeve is grieving and it will get better with time....and once covid restrictions are reduced there will be more possibly for Peeve to make new friends.

#TeamPeeve - not many people get two lovely dads.

Petition for Peeve to be changed to Spete please?

Denied. I coined 'Peeve' and you'll have to prise it from my cold, dead hands.

I agree, Pete Steve sounds lovely and your bf sounds controlling. Spend more time with Steve Pete and less (or none) with bf.

Just read the rest of the thread and I totally agree with this

I'd be thinking that Peeve is trying to keep an eye on you for your Dad and making sure that your house doesn't get taken over by a predatory and possessive boyfriend who capitalises upon bereavement/vulnerability/nobody to look out for you.