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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is wildly excessive?

130 replies

pinata · 29/08/2020 09:19

DD aged 12 has recently started going shopping with her friends. We give her around £30 to spend each time, which I had thought was actually fairly generous. However, her friends are turning up each time with £200 - £500, which I am completely astonished by. I wouldn’t spend that on myself, never mind giving it to a 12 year old for a shopping trip. None of the families are especially well off, living in a not great urban area. I also think showering money on kids stops them understanding the value of it and the amount of effort it takes to earn. I had thought it was just one particular friend, but they’re all doing it

AIBU to think this is utterly and wildly excessive, or have I lost touch somewhere along the way?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/08/2020 16:13

I wouldn't believe it. And if it's true it sounds like ill-gotten gains to me.

AquarianSquirrel · 29/08/2020 16:16

Your kids are lying to get more cash out of you Wink or their friends are lying to your kids! That or they're stealing it haha

actiongirl1978 · 29/08/2020 16:26

My dd12 has over 200 on her go henry which is her birthday and Xmas money which she tends to spend sparingly.

Not sure how she is at risk going shopping with a pin protected card, who takes cash these days?

She gets 2.50 pocket money a week and saves it for months before spending any hence it builds up.

So technically she goes on each shopping trip with over 200 to spend Grin. But she doesnt have a fresh 200 each time!

SuitedandBooted · 29/08/2020 16:31

I would think its either BS, or dodgy money - kids who are involved in money laundering/county lines/sugar daddy stuff/shoplifting are unlikely to tell their parents.

My children (16 and 13) go to an independent school with high fees. Their friends range from average income on bursaries (like us) to absolutely minted. When they go out, it's occasionally to the cinema/Costa, but more likely to the town and a bit of charity shop shopping and a scoot around Poundland. I doubt anyone spends more than £30 - £50 max.

I would be asking some careful questions if I were you.....

pasturesgreen · 29/08/2020 16:43

As has been said, provided it's true the friends are regularly spending such outlandish amounts of money, then something dodgy is afoot. Could be shoplifting, could be stealing from their parents or a myriad other possibilities that have been mentioned upthread.

I daresay that for many working adults spending £200, never mind £500, on 'treats' is by no means a regular occurrence and something that involves planning and pondering. If these young teens are able to do it regularly, well, I'd be keeping a close eye.

I don't think there are many grown women who regularly treat themselves to the tune of £200-£500

Original poster
pinata · 29/08/2020 17:04

@Irelate absolutely not. This has genuinely been happening and I’m not digging at anyone. The parents are not chavvy, just not rolling in cash. Came on here to validate whether I’ve somehow missed how teenage shopping works these days

I’m reluctant to talk to them because, if they are doing it for the reasons I think they are, based on what’s been said here, it’s hardly an easy subject to broach. They obviously think it’s a good idea

Anyway, thanks all - glas it’s not just me losing the plot somewhere

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 29/08/2020 17:06

I don't think there are many grown women who regularly treat themselves to the tune of £200-£500

No but there are a lot of adults with misplaced guilt who will give their kids pretty much anything they ask for. At their own expense. I know several families where the mum will wear charity shop clothes so her kids can have all the Big Name Brands they want.

worriedwellworrier · 29/08/2020 17:15

I’m surprised at so many people calling BS on this. I see this a lot with DD, not particularly well off families giving their daughters £100+ for a shopping trip. I think they have different priorities.

Boulshired · 29/08/2020 17:17

Technically my DD goes out with over £1000 every time she goes shopping. She is a saver hence the money on her bank card. Even on the occasion when she has shopped it’s usually sale item or lower end. The amount of bags would tell very little on money spent. I hope she would not brag about the amount of money but she does seems to know everyone else’s bank balance.

BigBlondeBimbo · 29/08/2020 17:21

£100 - £150 I would have believed.

£300 - £500 I think there is something else going on.

BigBlondeBimbo · 29/08/2020 17:22

Excuse me, £200 - £500. £500 being the surprising figure.

Bullatagate · 29/08/2020 17:35

My DD is 14, we give her money (£20-30) if she wants to go out and she earns pocket money buy selling things on depop or pet sitting for neighbours but thankfully shes a fan of primark, b and m bargains etc although spends a lot of skin care.
I know her friends dont have hundreds to spend.

Figgygal · 29/08/2020 17:38

That’s utterly crackers op

BabyofMine · 29/08/2020 17:47

What is county lines? I’ve literally never heard the term, is it safe to google it??

JMG1234 · 29/08/2020 17:50

Echo the others. Whilst we're lucky enough to be able to give the kids that kind of money for shopping, I wouldn't dream of it. I don't think it teaches them the value of money and just escalates expectations until Christmas and birthdays become obscene. My son is given £20 when he goes out with friends.

If the kids want something more expensive, they save up for it with present money, wait until Christmas or birthdays or, as a minimum, look for sales or discounts. It's really important to us that the kids learn to manage their money as one day they'll be in the big wide world without the bank of mum and dad.

MagentaRocks · 29/08/2020 17:53

@BabyofMine

What is county lines? I’ve literally never heard the term, is it safe to google it??
You can google, it is basically using children and vulnerable people to deal drugs.

Link here www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/what-we-do/crime-threats/drug-trafficking/county-lines

JMG1234 · 29/08/2020 17:53

Yes, county lines is safe to google! It's basically criminal gangs recruiting kids to supply drugs, often in smaller towns.

Original poster
pinata · 29/08/2020 18:08

I think it’s misplaced guilt. £500 very much the exception, but around £200 has happened several times now, with more than one kid doing the same. Birthday money/lockdown may also be a factor, but it did also happen beforehand. Each time I’ve thought it would be a one off, but it hasn’t been. That’s why I’ve come on here. Not a bullshit thread, I have better things to do with my time

A few people seem to be saying same about some people just having strange priorities, and I imagine they all talk each other into it, to some extent. I definitely won’t be doing the same. DD gets it and actually enjoys finding bargains and doesn’t ask for more than she gets, and is happy with the bits she buys.

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 29/08/2020 18:23

I’m reluctant to talk to them because, if they are doing it for the reasons I think they are, based on what’s been said here, it’s hardly an easy subject to broach. They obviously think it’s a good idea

@pinata, the point that I was making (as were others) is that this money may not have come from the parents at all. They may not be aware that their DCs have it. As others have mentioned, there are many possibilities like county lines drug dealing, sugar daddying, shoplifting, money mule bank fraud, stealing from parents/other family members, etc etc. Those DCs could be in danger and if it was your DD flashing mysterious wads of cash around, you'd want to know, wouldn't you?

Flatpackback · 29/08/2020 18:46

Shear madness. If it's true if be very suspicious if how they're getting their money. If she's clearly not mixing with kids from a highly privileged background compared to herself then something doesn't add up.

Flatpackback · 29/08/2020 19:00

Though I've just remembered taking my DS & school friend out for the day when they were about 9. When we got to the gift shop, friend had £20 on him. This was about 20 yrs ago! Parents were loaded but even so, I was stunned. Not sure whether he'd been given it to cover his entrance fee & lunch etc, I didn't like to ask. So there I was trying to persuade my son to get the usual pencil/rubber & other child was eyeing up Christmas present type toys.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/08/2020 19:07

DSD says her friend regularly has huge amounts of money in her wallet £100s. They are 13. But her parents are always also buying her designer handbags and shoes and the latest iphone so I think they are very spendy people. They have a pretty normal house, go to a normal school.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/08/2020 19:10

My guess is it is as likely to be guilt/ a very materialistic lifestyle as it is to be something dodgy but I agree it is a warning sign there could be something dodgy going on so a quick, non accusatory, conversation about spending budgets or similar might help flush out whether it is just parents who like to throw money around or something more sinister

Greenmarmalade · 29/08/2020 19:18

£30 regularly for shopping is also mad. I don’t have that as an adult. Won’t your daighter also expect it to increase as she gets older?

I give my 12 year old twins £20 a month, and they save up if they want something. Shopping trips are a few times a year.

Cam2020 · 29/08/2020 19:30

I also wouldn’t want a child so young walking around with that much cash anyway!

I was thinking the same thing!