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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is wildly excessive?

130 replies

pinata · 29/08/2020 09:19

DD aged 12 has recently started going shopping with her friends. We give her around £30 to spend each time, which I had thought was actually fairly generous. However, her friends are turning up each time with £200 - £500, which I am completely astonished by. I wouldn’t spend that on myself, never mind giving it to a 12 year old for a shopping trip. None of the families are especially well off, living in a not great urban area. I also think showering money on kids stops them understanding the value of it and the amount of effort it takes to earn. I had thought it was just one particular friend, but they’re all doing it

AIBU to think this is utterly and wildly excessive, or have I lost touch somewhere along the way?

OP posts:

PurpleinOz · 29/08/2020 14:13

The first thing that popped in to my head was maybe the kids are stealing the money, or they are playing a parent/grands/uncles etc off against each other.

You could have a chat to one of the other parents, maybe approach it from a "hey, can I please check with you how much you give your child for spending. I dont want DD to feel left out....."

2bazookas · 29/08/2020 14:15

I'd be seriously worried where they got that kind of money from; Sugar Daddy apps? County lines couriers? Have you checked with parents?

In any case I'd keep my 12 yr old well clear of those outings and I would NOT be dashing her 30 quid as " casual spending money".

Sharpandshineyteeth · 29/08/2020 14:16

It’ll be their birthday money.

Giggorata · 29/08/2020 14:17

@Elizaaa

Are you sure they aren't shoplifting?

I thought this. No bad reflection on the young people, a surprising amount incorporate a bit of shoplifting into their adolescent rebellion and grow out of it. (I know I did)

But I have seen a lot of money thrown at kids by parents, lately. I wonder that they can afford it.

burntpinky · 29/08/2020 14:17

Totally excessive. My boys will not be spoilt like that and will earn their pocket/spending money by growing veg and collecting eggs and selling them. I want them to appreciate hard work and the value of money

SoupDragon · 29/08/2020 14:19

I only ever used cash till adulthood I think

You and me both 😂

netflixismysidehustle · 29/08/2020 14:20

My DD's friends would bring £100-£150 shopping if it was recently their birthday and they wanted to go somewhere like Pandora and buy a ring or something. That's obviously once a year (twice if they hit the sales after Xmas)

They normally buy a Costa drink, go to McD's and maybe some makeup so £30 would be plenty.

diddl · 29/08/2020 14:25

@HoneysuckIejasmine

Who told you that? I don't believe it for a minute.

My first thought also!

I'd assume that she's added a nought on!

Even if you could afford it-why would you?

butterpuffed · 29/08/2020 14:29

@AriesTheRam

Their parents deal crack

Really unsure as to why this stupid comment was made , guess they thought it was witty

Irelate · 29/08/2020 14:29

I doubt OP will be back.
Bullshit thread.

growinggreyer · 29/08/2020 14:31

Do they make 'haul' videos for Youtube? I could imagine a situation where the girls buy a load of stuff, make their video and then Mum returns it all the next week. They could get plenty of views doing this and build up a channel.

Jamdemic · 29/08/2020 14:33

Had this with my DS's friends. I think the difference came down to the family attitude to giving cash for gifts. In my family it is common to give gift vouchers, and not more than £30. In my DS's friends' families, they give cash and more like £100. So a couple of relatives giving £100 cash and the child has several hundred pounds to take shopping.

greengreengrass14 · 29/08/2020 14:39

Yes I would think that these amounts of money were dodgy too.

Parents responsibility to ask where it is coming from...

Also, if the kids are 'boasting' about this, it doesn't exactly show much care or compassion for those who have less. And there are so many families struggling now due to covid, job losses etc. More compassion wouldn't go amiss on their part...

DidoAtTheLido · 29/08/2020 14:46

The only time one of mine went out with that amount to spend (on his card, no way cash) was to buy a guitar - £250 saved by him from birthdays, pocket money etc, £250 from us as his birthday present and because buying musical instruments is something we view as an educational investment and are fortunate enough to be able to afford.

The guitar is now in it's 7th year and played every day.

All my kids and their friends are anti-expensive brands, and buy second hand via DePop etc for ethical and environmental reasons.

They aren't impressed by anyone splashing the cash at all.

Titterofwit · 29/08/2020 14:51

When Dd first started going to town with her friends she had £20 pocket money and her card for extras.She knows how to kook for a bargain and can be trusted to be careful .
I was astonished she she said one of her friends had been given £400 by her parents. I had to keep checking back that the amount was correct. I mean ,who does that ? Her friends are all from similar backgrounds moneywise and certainly no high spender or lavish lifestyles.
The next time they went out the amount was the same. I was so shocked that I forgot to ask what the friend had bought wih the money. This was about 6 years ago now ,her friend hasnt turned into a drug runner and her family remains the same . I was and am baffled but perhaps this is one families way of showing they care?

BlueJava · 29/08/2020 14:55

I wouldn't believe that for a minute - are you sure it's not a cover for shoplifting or getting money from dodgy sources (county lines, online etc)? My late teen sons sometimes goes out with friends, they will buy 1 item at a time unless it's Primark, so £30ish say. They'll also will go with vouchers for eating out etc so as not to spend too much.

Benjispruce2 · 29/08/2020 15:03

That is very unusual. I have 2 older teen DDs and they’ve never gone out with more than £20/£30 unless they had gift cards from birthdays or Christmas. I would be suspicious unless it was a one off from birthday money.

MikeUniformMike · 29/08/2020 15:11

When I was at high school, there were girls whose parents would give them £100 to go shopping. This was in the 1980s.

These girls would have branded goods.

I thought they must have rich parents, but they didn't particularly. Some of them were just spoilt, for example the youngest child in a large family.

julybaby32 · 29/08/2020 15:16

Crikey.
£30 sounds a little on the generous side if this is just for fun and not to buy something particular. The figures mentioned here sound huge.
Definitely time to have a talk with daughter about the dangers of being anyone who is shoplifting, not carrying things for other people, not having to do favours for other people, and come and talk to us if you are worried, don't be blackmailed into doing things that make you feel uncomfortable etc. It could just be some very well-off parents being very generous, but it is as well to be alert to that fact it might not be.
And for OP to be very ready to listen if one of the friends wants to talk to her as a trusted adult about something that is worrying them.

CloudyVanilla · 29/08/2020 15:17

I can't see for a single second that a family who can't afford a holiday would be giving their child hundred of pounds to spend every few weeks. Who even needs that much money?

Objectively hanging around, getting a hot drink and lunch and maybe buying a few bits, even going to the cinema would be a maximum of £40 - £50 and that's with the cinema.

What kind of 12 year old wants to be just trudging round shops spending hundreds of pounds? And every few weeks too? It's obviously BS.

lyralalala · 29/08/2020 15:22

If it's very recent (I assume by every 6 weeks or so it's only happened twice or so given lockdown) then is it not just a combination of birthday money, saved pocket money and money to pick up school stuff?

Are the same kids turning up with lots of money each time or have a few individual kids bought a lot?

DS and his friends had a bigger trip to town for their first one because they've all been saving over lockdown. It was a one off though; they'll all be back to their usual £20 now they've spent their savings.

zefstar76 · 29/08/2020 15:26

How often are they going shopping though? My kids have easily had £200 in their account saved up from Christmas and birthdays, this topped up with pocket money each month wouldn't seem outrageous if they rarely spent money on anything else other than shopping trips. Mine generally get £20 for a day out with friends, what amount anyone else took is really none of my business.

Nomorepies · 29/08/2020 15:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 29/08/2020 15:57

DD and her friends never have anything like that amount of money
DD gets £20 pcm pocket money, and £10 from her granny; has a train pass and I will give her lunch money for days out; or if she is going to buy something that she really needs I will cover that or chip in.

If a child racked up with £200 I would suspect theft/grooming/lies or that your DD had accidentally made friends with children of celebrities without your knowledge!

StatementKnickers · 29/08/2020 16:01

If this is true, don't allow your DD to go out with these children again. Even if the money is kosher, having that much cash on them puts them all at risk, and also means they could easily decide to do something like take a train/taxi to a different city for the day. Either way, you need to find out from your DD exactly which children are flashing this sort of cash and talk to their parents, or failing that their school.

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