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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is wildly excessive?

130 replies

pinata · 29/08/2020 09:19

DD aged 12 has recently started going shopping with her friends. We give her around £30 to spend each time, which I had thought was actually fairly generous. However, her friends are turning up each time with £200 - £500, which I am completely astonished by. I wouldn’t spend that on myself, never mind giving it to a 12 year old for a shopping trip. None of the families are especially well off, living in a not great urban area. I also think showering money on kids stops them understanding the value of it and the amount of effort it takes to earn. I had thought it was just one particular friend, but they’re all doing it

AIBU to think this is utterly and wildly excessive, or have I lost touch somewhere along the way?

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 29/08/2020 12:41

I don't believe for a minute that 12 year old's are being handed £500 to go shopping with.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/08/2020 12:49

I know its difficult with the pandemic, and there's some good advice, but could you encourage these girls to do do something else instead of just shopping. Or just to break up the routine of it.
Its expensive and while of course its fun once in a while, mostly its a vapid experience. How about encouraging them to go swimming together, or cycling to a park with cafe ? or Go Ape, Go Karting, Crazy Golf. Any of these things would be cheaper, and more focused on socialising than just buying crap they don't need in the shops.

UnfinishedSymphon · 29/08/2020 12:54

I think we're all being taken for a ride

BigBlondeBimbo · 29/08/2020 12:56

I also think it is extremely unlikely that 12 yos are being handed £500 every few weeks, by their nice, normal, not very well of parents, to splurge on whatever.

My mum used to spend a lot on us on a twice a year shopping trip, but she would be there with us, so we bought sensible stuff, as well as fun clothes. She used to give me £40ish for a shopping trip, but that included train and lunch out somewhere. She used to hate me coming back with several, cheap items and said she wouldn't give me any more unless I bought less stuff, but better quality. My point being, preteens sometimes buy crap clothes, but more of them.

For that reason alone, I would never send a 12 yo out with that amount of cash. It's also silly, as they might flash it about and end up getting mugged. Bonkers.

But, I don't feel we are getting the full story here. Something else has to be going on.

BigBlondeBimbo · 29/08/2020 12:57

Well off*

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 29/08/2020 12:57

By contrast, my eldest is at boarding school, and there is a fair mix of kids from those on large bursaries (as she is), and those whose families clearly have massive resources. From what I gather, they all shop at places like Primark and Poundland.

SockYarn · 29/08/2020 13:15

Are you sure they're telling the truth? We live in a fairly well-off area, there's a bit of cash sloshing around most households.

DD and her friends generally spend £20 to £30 on a shopping trip - including lunch - unless someone's had a birthday and might have vouchers to spend. And it's usually vouchers, not cash. They are all massive fans of Primark, H&M and Home Bargains. They are not buying designer gear and taking £500 out to the shops.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/08/2020 13:15

We live in the middle of nowhere. £30 would be the best part of the bus fare to get into the nearest city!

But is it the same girls every time with the £200 spending money? Or does your DD go with different people - so families may only be handing out £200 ever six months or so? And how many other children do they have?

Of my girls, one worked as soon as she legally could, for her spending money, one rarely went out (and never shopping) and the youngest I would give maybe £40 for a trip into town (and usually end up driving her and friends in, see the cost of the bus!)

Cheetahfajita · 29/08/2020 13:20

I work in safeguarding and this is screaming DEETS or county lines to me

You really ought to ask if the parents are aware of this, even if you aren't comfortable asking outright, maybe next time you see them ask if they've secretly won the lottery or something.

eveningfalls · 29/08/2020 13:27

tell her to find different friends!

SoupDragon · 29/08/2020 13:35

I would never send a 12 yo out with that amount of cash

I imagine it's on a bank card, not cash.

GabsAlot · 29/08/2020 13:36

it sounds dodgy and if its real then theyre just creating spoilt kids

my sister was spoilt and yes she could spend that much but was nver on her own with that sort of money at 12

willowmelangell · 29/08/2020 13:39

I would be shocked too pinata. I can't think of a time I went out with that much cash on me!

Assuming you saw shop logo bags I wouldn't think of shoplifting. Maybe they get given the Child Benefit and an allowance too.
Perhaps grandparents give an allowance. Something like that?

CalmdownJanet · 29/08/2020 13:41

I call bullshit, they are bullshitting your daughter or she is bullshitting you but not a hope this is true, there are lies being told somewhere

Castoreum · 29/08/2020 13:47

DD is nearly 14 and she never has as much as £30 for a shopping trip unless she's saved it up herself! If she is low on funds, I will occasionally pay for her lunch and a drink (like £10) but if she wants to buy things she needs to think about it in advance and save the money up. She does get generous pocket money but I prefer that she has to think about and prioritise what to spend this on rather than just get handed money whenever she meets up with friends.

InFiveMins · 29/08/2020 13:47

Are you sure they aren't shoplifting?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/08/2020 13:50

my sister used to do this with her daughter - she'd give her £200 to spend so that she had the same as the other girls but told her she wasn't allowed to spend it. She could just go with them and wander round but not buy anything.

I expect thats what happening here. Or are they actually spending £500 on shopping trips every 2/3 weeks? If so, what on?

Gncq · 29/08/2020 13:55

You need to talk to the other parents. If I'd seen 12 year olds taking home up to £500 worth of shopping on a regular basis, I'd like to be cast iron certain where the money came from or if it was actually bought for sure.

takenbywine · 29/08/2020 13:56

That is a lot of money for 12 year olds YANBU. If I were to spend that much money for shopping on my dc, I would go with them to make sure she spends it sensibly.

GisAFag · 29/08/2020 13:58

Maybe the friends family have lots of miney so what. Let them give their child what they want. I'd explain to my child they have whatever I can afford. Don't compare yourself to others.

BigBlondeBimbo · 29/08/2020 14:03

@SoupDragon

I would never send a 12 yo out with that amount of cash

I imagine it's on a bank card, not cash.

Ah ok. Showing my age a bit probably, as I only ever used cash till adulthood I think.
SarahBellam · 29/08/2020 14:07

I’ll often give my 14yo £10 for a hot choc and a pair of sock or some hair clips, unless she needs something specific like new jeans then I’ll give her an extra £20 and if they’re more expensive she pays the rest herself. £200 would be birthday present money or the vary rare time she and I would go together on a spree - if she grew out of all her clothes and shoes (which happens!).

JaffaCake70 · 29/08/2020 14:10

In an effort to make you feel a bit better. Waaay back in the 1980's, I was your Daughter, the member of the group who's family didn't have much money. I would go into the city centre with a group of around 5 or 6 friends every Saturday. They would buy boots from Selfridge's, jumpers from Benetton, leather jackets, gold jewellery sometimes, then we would go for hot chocolate and they would be able to afford posh cakes and a second mug....

I on the other hand would have a couple of quid in my pocket, I would watch them all buy stuff whilst rarely having the money to buy anything myself.. I'd have one mug of hot chocolate and then sit and wait for them to finish. I never owned a leather jacket (as much as I begged for one!) I had a Benetton keyring in place of a jumper... and my boots were purchased from our local market.

I'm here to tell you that although I may have wanted some nice things at the time, I don't remember being at all jealous or envious of my friends, they were lovely girls, not boastful in the slightest, and I never felt like the odd one out or the 'poor' friend. I remember my teenage years with happiness and I don't feel that the lack of material things ever affected me in a negative way. In fact I reckon I looked amazing at the school leaving disco in my catalougue bought dungarees!!

It is a bit ridiculous that some parents are giving their children massive amounts of money to spend, but that's their business. It sounds to me like you feel in competition with them, you are not, and neither is your Daughter. She obviously likes going out with these friends, don't make an issue of how much money these other girls have, just don't mention it at all. If you make an issue of it, your Daughter will too, and your could make a problem where there isn't one.

Arthersleep · 29/08/2020 14:10

When I was at school 30 years ago, the parents of the school bully routinely gave her £200 to buy a new jumper/go shopping. It transpired that not only was she spoiled, but her parents were too scared to say no to her. How lucky you are to have a more grounded daughter!

bibbitybobbitycats · 29/08/2020 14:11

OP, I think that it is significant that not one person has come on and said that they give their children this sort of money. If what you say is true, something is very wrong. If it was just one of the friends, that would be different, but ALL of them?

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