AIBU to think this is wildly excessive?

[pinata]

DD aged 12 has recently started going shopping with her friends. We give her around £30 to spend each time, which I had thought was actually fairly generous. However, her friends are turning up each time with £200 - £500, which I am completely astonished by. I wouldn’t spend that on myself, never mind giving it to a 12 year old for a shopping trip. None of the families are especially well off, living in a not great urban area. I also think showering money on kids stops them understanding the value of it and the amount of effort it takes to earn. I had thought it was just one particular friend, but they’re all doing it

AIBU to think this is utterly and wildly excessive, or have I lost touch somewhere along the way?

Sounds dicey.

I would also be questioning if there was something dodgy re the amount of money ie county lines

We went for a trip round Bicester Village on my DS's birthday, and even with three fairly well paid adults we got no where near spending half of what the teen friends apparently have

Your DD has taken you for a ride, OP.

She’s got you to increase the money you give her by trotting out outrageous amounts that “all my friends get”.

If it doesn't fit with the family then I would question where this money is coming from. It's a huge amount of money to spend at 12 just because you fancy it and would be a red flag.

None of the families are especially well off, living in a not great urban area.

I would worry about county lines, tbh.

While I could afford to send my 12 year out with 200 quid for a treat, I wouldn't. What does that teach kids about the value of money or instilling work-ethic? They are not adults and cannot be expected to make wise choices (like saving) so will blow that money on something stupid. I wouldn't send my boy out with £30 either, as I think it is excessive and just encourages kids to waste money on rubbish. I filled my car this week with toys and gift sets that my kids have been given previously at Christmas etc. All untouched and unloved. I send it to my mother who is an avid ebayer to sell on, as I hate to put it in the tip and most charity shops where I am seem shut at the moment. Sending kids to shopping centres with a ton of money is just teaching them that being materialistic is the root of happiness. They become the future shop-a-holics.

You sound very generous in giving your child £30. However, I would make inquiries about where this money is coming from with the friends. It may be made up, or there could be something sinister going on.

I would ask one or two of the other parents. Maybe your dd is exagerating? Maybe the friends are telling her they have more money than they have, or it's birthday money, or they've been given money for a specific purpose like getting new stuff for school or buying a present? Or maybe there is something very odd going on.

One of my dcs convinced me a few years ago that every child in Year 6 had an iphone. It sounded very plausible until I asked a couple of parents who burst out laughing.

This might be dodgy, it might be nothing, but I'd be worried about allowing my dcs out with those friends until I had more information.

Crazy money. I think the £30 is very generous.

I stopped giving my teen DC cash and instead opened bank accounts for them, they have debit cards. I give them an allowance monthly into their accounts and transfer in money if they do extra jobs, every now and then I'll transfer into both of their accounts an amount for clothes or shoes etc. So they both get the same cash.

One buys a few expensive items and spends on meals out with friends and the other is a fantastic bargain hunter and saves up. She's just bought a new iPhone for £800 (I did give them £200 each towards phones, we're a sim only family). It took her 2 years to save this up, but I can't tell you how excited she was about achieving this.

Both kids think about what they buy, how much they pay for it and have learned about ebay/Depop scammers, PayPal rules etc.

The designer dressed one will buy second hand from depop and sell the items he doesn't want any more.

When I paid for everything they wanted everything, every day and only the best would do.

They've both become good with money over the last 2 years, there have been some mistakes learned the hard way but better they do this now than when they're adults and the amounts are higher.

And they take much better care of their phones now they pay for them and much better care than their friends whose phones are bought by their parents.

I’m pretty sure it’s not dodgy - we’ve known the families for a long time, but it’s only now coming up that kids are starting to do things by themselves. I think it’s more along the lines of wanting kids to have what they didn’t. There is a bit of a culture of that round here. Designer flip flops but clearly scraping by. I just hadn’t expected the sheer extravagance. Trips are not probably monthly to 6 weeks, something like that, still a relatively recent thing, as they’re all quite young.

We could also afford to give DD more, but have no intention of doing so. If she needs big things like school shoes etc. I take her (not least to make sure she chooses something sensible).

I also happen to think that by buying kids everything, you’re actually robbing them of the joy of wanting something for a while and then finally getting it. Not healthy at all.

@scoobydoo1971 very much also agree with this. They don’t need most of the stuff, and one of them buys things and then just loses them amongst all the other things she already has. What’s the point? Plus, the environment also crosses my mind a lot with this stuff. Tonnes of plastic rubbish, clothes that don’t get worn... madness

Not healthy at all
I agree. It does young people good to learn how to save up for something they really want, and to budget properly with the funds they have. It is character-building to have to decide whether to buy one pair of fashion trainers, or a dozen other things instead. They learn to weigh up whether things are good value for money.

When my dd was about 14 she went shopping with her friends as a birthday treat. I think she had about £50 and she came home with bags and bags of stuff. She's a real bargain hunter and gets things like a dress from H&M for £5 off their reduced rail. Her friends love taking her shopping because she's got such a good nose for sniffing out bargains.

Ds gets his DLA in his own right as he is now 16, but he buys his own clothes, pays his own phone tariff, dinner money, bus pass etc. I give him money for birthdays, Christmas & occasionally treat him to odd stuff like trainers or games, he is now saving so he can go on a school trip to Iceland in 18 months time if the trip goes ahead due to Covid.

Something not right here OP. Shoplifting? Money laundering, can't remember what it's called but the youngsters get used to launder money. Deets?

I'd be very concerned if I was you.

I think you’re being naive not to at least do some sniffing around. County lines etc can affect anyone. Sounds like the perfect profile of people to target too.

Ime most kids won’t have as much as £30 for a single outing unless they had birthday money or something. Never mind £200-£500.

@pinata

Phew - thought it was just me and that things had changed since my day, somehow. I’ve seen the hauls they come back with, so it’s definitely true. I think it’s the same situation *@dontdisturbmenow* describes. They are decent families (ie nothing dodgy going on) but the amount of money doesn’t tally at all with the rest of their lives. Small houses, no car, cheap or no holidays. I can’t understand why they would lavish that amount of money on shopping trips for kids, or even where they get it from. We’re a bit better off but I wouldn’t dream of giving DD anywhere like that amount, for reasons too numerous to mention

Maybe that is why they live in small houses and have no car or holidays. People make different life choices. A friend I grew up with had a horse and a nearly brand new car from her parents but they lived in a small house in a rougher area. They had normal jobs like my parents but obviously chose to spend their money on things rather than invest in their house. That's what made them happiest. To each their own

I’m pretty sure it’s not dodgy - we’ve known the families for a long time, but it’s only now coming up that kids are starting to do things by themselves

If, as you say, you know these families, then please ask them about it. Seriously. Not in a nosey way, but just saying that you're trying to sort out how much to give DD for outings and wondered what other parents were doing.

Then please come back and let us know what they say!

Well I would be suspicious of whether they actually had £200 to spend or whether there was some shop lifting going on. £200+ per shopping trip is madness and I can't see how most parents would afford that or even want to give it if they could.

@Atalune

I think you’re being naive not to at least do some sniffing around. County lines etc can affect anyone. Sounds like the perfect profile of people to target too.

This ^^

If you know the families then really you have to speak to the other parents about this. The amount is so ridiculously excessive that there is clearly something else going on.

Your daughter is likely to get caught up in whatever it is.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If you know the families then really you have to speak to the other parents about this. The amount is so ridiculously excessive that there is clearly something else going on.

Your daughter is likely to get caught up in whatever it is.

Absolutely right.

@Atalune and @Irelate I can see what you’re saying, but I think this is probably more what @Newmumatlast is suggesting. Never thought of it that way. I suppose it’s easier to find £200 occasionally than try and buy a bigger house for tens or hundreds of thousands.

I agree it’s people’s choice, and if, say, they wanted to blow £1000 on Christmas presents or something, that’s up to them. But, when it’s brought into a group of friends going shopping, it creates a very strange situation and dynamic, never mind hardly teaching what I would consider good lessons in regards to the value of money

I call bullshit.
I'm surprised by your reluctance to talk to any of the parents if, as you say, a number of your 12 year old child's friends are "turning up each time with £200 - £500" for shopping outings.

Am starting to think this whole thread is just an opportunity to have a dig at, probably mythical, chavy parents.

@pinata please read what outer posters are writing. £200 for a shopping trip is not normal.

You say you know these families, well ask them! Do they know their DDs are taking £200 out for shopping. There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago from a mum who was worried about their daughter having loads of money. Ended up she was a Money Mule. Please look into this before your daughter is sucked in too.

Knowing the families does not preclude them from county lines or anything else sinister. Kids from ‘nice’ families get dragged into it too.