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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can’t open up about this

85 replies

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 16:34

Firstly I have name changed...

I have always had a strained relationship with my mum and struggle to open to her. It’s like there’s a physical wall stopping me from sharing any personal details of my life or sometimes even making eye contact with her.
It’s always been this way. She pushes and pushes for me to open up and be closer but I can’t.
Here’s the thing, when I was 12 or 13 I was being nosey and found some old diaries she had written in. I snooped, innocently. They were from when I was aged 2-3 and she talks about hitting me. ( not smacking) and how she’s trying to stop but there are several entries where she says she’s done it again
I don’t remember anything else written, I closed the book and never thought about it again until now. I think this is why I am distant with her?
How can I resolve it though? I can’t say anything to her as she’ll never admit it. My kids love her and she’s lovely to them and would never hurt them. She seems a different person now

How can I overcome these feelings? AIBU to try and forget this again and pretend I never saw it?

Thanks

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2020 16:39

I wonder if there were serious attachment issues when you were a baby, possibly caused by pnd that your mum might have been suffering from. Whatever the cause, your inability to be close to your mum will be very hard to change. Have you have therapy to try and work through how you're feeling?

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 16:56

I guess that could be true, although she has never mentioned this and she’s very open about struggles she’s had in the past( minus the hitting me one)
No, I’ve not had therapy

OP posts:

Serin · 28/08/2020 17:05

Talk to her.
She is asking you you to be more open.
You are assuming she will deny having written those things but you dont know that. She might be wanting to talk to you about it.
I have a friend who's mother tried to drown her as a baby. They went on to be very close. PND is a horrible illness but it doesn't make a person eith it a horrible person.

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 17:27

I can’t though, that’s the issue. I clam up and physically can’t say it. I’ve never told a single person this, today is the first time I’ve even been able to write it down.

She may not deny it, but the feelings of being distanced from her started way before I read the diary. I just wonder if the physical bit of hitting me at such a young age has stopped me from wanting to be near her

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2020 17:36

If you want to get a better understanding of how you're feeling, and if you want to have a better relationship with your mother, I think therapy is the only way forward.

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 17:38

I had PND with both my children and I didn’t hit them. This also happened when I was 2 and 3, a bit delayed for PND.
I’m angry with her, I know that much. But it’s pulling a thread that may be worse in the long run

OP posts:

VictoriaBun · 28/08/2020 17:41

Could it be that she was writing in her diary to express regret ?
It seems a shame that you are holding all this in and it obviously means a great deal to you to post on here. Have you thought about counselling to talk through this ?

lowlandLucky · 28/08/2020 17:55

Maybe your Mum had PND, very different times back then

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 18:01

Ok, seems like people are sympathising with my mum here. Maybe she did had PND, maybe she didn’t and just took her anger out on a child? I am angry at her, and I feel like I do have that right. We are talking about abuse, aren’t we.
I’m not sure what I expected posting on here, but I needed to say it out loud to get a general consensus on whether I should bring it up with her?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2020 18:03

I would bring it up. What have you got to lose?

MsEllany · 28/08/2020 18:06

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Maybe she was distant when you were a kid, maybe she wasn't. You don't mention anything else, do you think it was abusive? There's a world of difference between 'I was so angry I snapped and slapped her bare arse' to 'I was so angry I got the belt and whipped her until I saw blood'.

I was never ever particularly open with my mum. I'm still not, not really, I don't talk feelings with anyone unless really under duress. It's just my personality.

Snaketime · 28/08/2020 18:07

If you can't say it to her face could you write it in a letter? Tell her you found the diary and how you feel?

PatriciaPerch · 28/08/2020 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 28/08/2020 18:08

I would not talk to your mum about it before you have had some counselling to work through your feelings yourself with a trained therapist.

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 18:08

Facing up to the horrible truth? Ruining her relationship with my children? I guess I want to keep it a secret but at the same time get over it enough to have a normal relationship with her. How do you let go of anger without saying it directly to her? I am looking at therapy but what to do in the interim.

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 28/08/2020 18:11

I can relate. Dad died when I was very young and my brother left for uni a year later so for it was just the two of us from when I was 7. I spent many years trying not to get her upset, thinking it was because I knew she had no-one to turn to.

I recently discovered she and my father were wont to row, and even smash crockery mid-argument, so now I wonder if, in fact, I was scared scared of her temper and that's the real reason I tried my best not to upset her, esp as I was all alone with her.

She's still my mother. I can't talk to her about it and I rarely see her so it hasn't had a huge impact on my life but it is at the back of my mind.

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 18:13

@PatriciaPerch yes she is still with my dad. I remember once having a very general conversation with her about discipline and smacking and she said she didn’t agree with it and had never laid a finger on me, that it was a sign of a parent losing control and is always done in anger etc... all the time I knew the truth. I’m scared she will deny it and gaslight me, that’ll destroy me

OP posts:

Eckhart · 28/08/2020 18:15

What makes you feel you need to resolve it, other than her 'pushing and pushing'? That, to me, doesn't sound like healthy relationship behaviour from her.

Perhaps your subconscious has made the wise decision not to get too close to someone who offers you an unhealthy dynamic?

It could be down to what you learned from the diary, and experiences you had but can't remember, but ultimately, what you now have are your current feelings. Be careful not to disrespect or invalidate those feelings, just because you think you should, or because you're being pressured to. Those feelings are who you are. They are the core of you, the bit of you that really means it. They deserve to be recognised. Not everybody has to be close to their parents.

Venicelover · 28/08/2020 18:27

I think you are massively overreacting. Many good parents have smacked their children either due to fright or due to it being the norm of the time. I once smacked my four year old on the legs because he ran away from the pram I was pushing (with his hand clamped under mine) as I bent to pick up a toy thrown from the pram by his younger brother. He ran straight across a side road in front of a car and he could have been killed. I smacked him to emphasise how naughty and silly he had been and because I was so frightened.

Please note there is a world of difference between a tap/smack and physical abuse.

The fact that your mum wrote she was upset about it shows she knew it was wrong and obviously, if you don't remember it, then she stopped doing it.

piscean10 · 28/08/2020 18:31

I also think you are way overreacting here. Can you even remember her hitting you? It may have been once or twice and she could have been suffering with pnd too and there was very little support back then.

Eckhart · 28/08/2020 18:33

The fact that your mum wrote she was upset about it shows she knew it was wrong

Doing something and knowing it's wrong doesn't mean you're not doing it, or make it ok.

oreshina · 28/08/2020 18:36

Maybe it is something she did once or twice at her wits end and felt deeply ashamed about.
It might help you to get help to open up and discuss your feelings with a professional.
Maybe then you can forgive your mum and move on and have a more meaningful relationship. It sounds like she yearns for that. Try not to get stuck here.
I wish you all the best 👍

Suzi888 · 28/08/2020 18:41

What horrible thing to have come across.

I think if you can’t talk to your mum about it or write it down, then I’d see a counsellor first.
I don’t know how you’ll get past it unless you bring it up with her?

When you say, she talks about hitting you, in what context? You say it’s definitely hitting not smacking... can you recall any of the abuse?

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 18:44

For those saying I am over reacting, I’m shocked. I really am.
Would you say that to me if I told you my husband hit me but he wrote it in his diary and so therefore he must be sorry so forget about it?
I made it clear it was meant as hitting and it smacking. I can’t divulge the exact words as it’s outing but there were phrases like “ I’ve gone too far “ etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 18:46

She did attempt to hit me around the head during an argument when I was 16 but I don’t recall the younger hitting. But I wouldn’t would I? Being that I was only a toddler

OP posts:

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