Can’t open up about this

[Dilemmawithemma]

Firstly I have name changed...

I have always had a strained relationship with my mum and struggle to open to her. It’s like there’s a physical wall stopping me from sharing any personal details of my life or sometimes even making eye contact with her.
It’s always been this way. She pushes and pushes for me to open up and be closer but I can’t.
Here’s the thing, when I was 12 or 13 I was being nosey and found some old diaries she had written in. I snooped, innocently. They were from when I was aged 2-3 and she talks about hitting me. ( not smacking) and how she’s trying to stop but there are several entries where she says she’s done it again
I don’t remember anything else written, I closed the book and never thought about it again until now. I think this is why I am distant with her?
How can I resolve it though? I can’t say anything to her as she’ll never admit it. My kids love her and she’s lovely to them and would never hurt them. She seems a different person now

How can I overcome these feelings? AIBU to try and forget this again and pretend I never saw it?

Thanks

What would be the ideal outcome, OP? Would you like your mother to acknowledge and apologise?

I'm just thinking about the fact you mentioned the word 'gaslight' and how badly that would affect you. So, from your perspective, how she chooses to deal with this is what dictates your emotions?

It sounds like, before anything else, you need self-validation. Do you feel like you know your mother hit you? Because if you know something, you don't need your mother, or any number of MN posters, to tell you you're right.

If she says it didn't happen, that could be true, or gaslighting, or her shame talking, or her having blanked it from her memory or... well, I can't think of any more right now but what it ISN'T is a denial that your truth is your truth. Or that your feelings are your feelings.

[quote Dilemmawithemma]@Namechangearoo
I am feeling particularly vulnerable about this precise situation, but in general life I’m not a vulnerable person or a push over. I know I’m not over reacting and I will pull people up on their shitty opinions[/quote]
Riiiight. So why ask then? If you’re sure you’re right then why ask for opinions in AIBU? It’s not called ‘IANBU, so agree with me’

I feel a lot of compassion for you - it’s a shitty thing to find out and deal with. IMO - and apparently I’m not alone - you’re overreacting to some extent. That’s not an “shitty” opinion, it’s just a different opinion to yours. Which you asked for.

@Eckhart

I’d imagine she feels a lot of shame and in the same way you can’t force yourself to open up to her, she can’t open up to you

Poor abuser.

This wasn’t meant to be read as sympathy, but as a potential explanation for why she hasn’t ever discussed/admitted this with OP.

I don't think people are trying to defend your mum or dismiss your feelings but trying to stop this consuming you.

It wasn't great that she hit you but that was then and it can't be changed. If you admit read her diary you wouldn't know.

You have choices here. You need to decide if you want to take any of them.

My situation is my mother dumped me on a door step and chose a man over me. My childhood was an abusive one. I'll never know why she did what she did and there isn't anything she can say that will make it ok. I live my life without her in it and that is best for me.

@Dilemmawithemma Im sorry if you think it’s being downplayed. Its awful that you read that information. It’s heartbreaking that your mum hurt you as a child. It was completely wrong of her to hit you.

I think some posters are trying to say that as you can’t remember it that they perhaps think you are overreacting now and perhaps it wasn’t that bad.

Only you know what you read and the difference between a tap on the hand, smack bum, and worse - whatever you read took place. It would have hurt like hell to read that information. You’ve given us only a small, very limited snapshot of what you found which isn’t that much to go on. You also obviously feel uncomfortable going into too much detail.

Going forward what do you want to do about it? Do you want her to know? Do you want an acknowledgment and apology? Do you want to be close to her? Do you think a qualified counsellor could help you work through these feelings?
You say even now that you couldn’t approach your mother? It doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship.

Agree with eckhart... do you want your mother to acknowledge she hit you? How will you deal with her possible denial...

*I don't think people are trying to defend your mum or dismiss your feelings but trying to stop this consuming you.

It wasn't great that she hit you but that was then and it can't be changed. If you admit read her diary you wouldn't know.*

I agree with this, @SunshineCake has said more eloquently what I was trying to clumsily get across.

@Dilemmawithemma, I had PND and AND, two children close together.
I can tell you that I’ve done stuff I regret now. It’s not that I am different person. It’s that I’m not ill anymore. The person I am now was there, but hidden underneath a layers and layers of illness and hurt. And yes it did carry in until my dcs were 2~3yo wo a doubt.

Does it means that this is THE reason why you feel some distance with your mum? I have no idea. Maybe it is because early attachment didn’t happen that well. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe reading those diaries had more impact that you thought (it certainly seem to have convinced you it’s her fault and she was a very bad mother).
Maybe there are others things that have happened.

A PP suggested therapy and that’s my advice too.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had so many awful and ignorant responses here, @Dilemmawithemma. I haven’t been able to read the whole thread (upsetting for me so god knows how bad it must be for you). If you haven’t already then it would be worth asking MN go move this to Relationships or Mental Health. AIBU attracts people who just want to stick the boot in.

What you read is shocking. I’m so sorry. I’d be very wary of raising this with your mum. Certainly not until you have your own support in place, probably a trusted therapist.

Oh dear, OP. Not very nice responses here, AIBU isn’t the place for this I don’t think.

As it’s here though, YANBU. I’m sorry your mum hit you when you were so little. She shouldn’t have done that and she should have sought help. I am aware it was different times, but she might have tried. It must be particularly difficult reading that whatever she was doing to you escalated and that she “went too far.” You are right to feel very sad and angry too on behalf of your young self, who should have been able to depend on her mother.

Previous posters are right, perhaps she had PND, but that does not mean that you should just blithely accept that she abused you. You are right to feel anger about this, particularly as she now persists in trying to get you to open up when you don’t want to. One might ask why she is so desperate for you to do this? Is it for her own benefit or yours? I would suggest it is to fulfil a need of her own.

I don’t think opening up to your mum about the fact that she saw this or even about your feelings towards her would be helpful to you. If you can access and afford therapy I think it might help.

I also question what you have read exactly.
Because you have no idea when she wrote those diaries what her state of mind was. She might have downplayed what she did in it, or she might have said she hit you Repeatidly when it was a slight smack on the hand. Because that’s how it felt s to HER at the time.
You cannot know whether what she wrote was a true reflection of the reality (it probably wasn’t).
What there is in there is the fact she wanted to stop and tried. She TRIED. That’s something essential and something you seem to minimise ‘because when you had PND you never did that...’

What cOmes out too is the anger, the very deep anger you have against your mum.
I cannot believe reading those diaries are the only reasons. So waht else is going on there??

@Dinoctoblock, fwiw, I tried to get help when I had PND and then ADN.
I got fuck all, neither from the GP nor from the HV.
That was only 15 years ago.

So saying she’s could have tried’ when this happened 30 years ago is just a dream. You wouod be naive to think she automatically wouod have been he,paed and nothing wouod have happened.p if she had tried

@Dilemmawithemma

I am so sorry to hear this. I can only say how glad I am that these days some of at least consider whether it is proper to hit children.

I can recall [usually] mothers screeching at children "D'you want a smack".

I understand based on my life experiences.

I couple of points from my journey.

1. What happened to you was wrong.
2. Although you may find out information that helps you understand your DM’s behaviour that doesn’t make it acceptable.
3. Your DM might have minimised in in her mind, possibly due to shame or trauma, so she might not react well if you bring it up.
4. It is not your fault. No child is to blame for an adult’s failure to cope.

You have a child's eye view of diary of a young mother to go on.
I don't think that is enough for you to be able to process what happened and what the effects are on you and your relationship with your Mum.
I don't think you can go on as you are with this very personal snippet of info and all the anger you feel. It's an extremely incomplete picture.
That's not condoning anything, that's just accepting that you don't have anything like what most people need to be able to understand and move forward. So you need guidance likely from a therapist, and then if more info is needed that can only really come from your mum.
Not because her side is more important than you, but because you may need her side to move forward for you.
But that's a call best made with professional input, not anyone here.

I think your mum had quite severe PND. I did too and was insanely anxious but other mums that I met that had been hospitalised too or that I met in support groups were experiencing real anger towards their babies/kids. I think that might be what happened to your mum. I suspect she realises the damage that she did and I’d trying to get you to open up now so she can help (if she can). PND is a horror and it can make you lose your mind and yourself. Try to talk to your mum if you can face it

Just another thought to explore OP, in case your "difficulty opening up" is nothing to do with what you found.

Some people do just have more closed/reserved personalities, and there's nothing wrong with being that way, although people who are naturally more open can sometimes (however well meaning) make you feel like you are broken and keep "pushing" at you.

I have this with my DH family. They've never laid a finger on me, but I've developed a slow-brewing resentment because they are shocked I am not like them (loud, outgoing, social, over-sharers imho).

I am a naturally quiet and reserved person, and to them that comes across as being cold or aloof, and I often get "pushing" to open up. I don't want to, and I don't have to. Neither do you. It might just be who you are, and that's ok.

OP, even if you don't remember being hit, do you remember other controlling or untrustworthy behaviour? Having your boundaries trampled on? I find it extremely difficult to be open with my mum, I recognise what you are saying, I totally relate, but in my case I know why I don't trust her. It makes me feel dreadfully guilty, but that's another story!

OP, I think people don't realize the deep emotional wound that what you went through could have caused.

At age 2 or 3, you had no way of physically defending yourself or walking away and it is very possible that her hitting you destroyed the attachment between you and developed defences against her. She was no longer the soft comforting presence but instead a source of hurt, fear and pain.

Yes, she may have been going through PND or whatever else but you were not to blame for that and you didn't deserve to be hit. She probably denies it because she is horrified by it and it causes her great pain and would rather pretend it didn't happen. She might also hope that by saying it didn't happen, you forget it did or not remember it at all. The problem is that these events go to the back of our minds but they are there, showing up in your behaviour to her.

If you're looking into therapy, find one that uses Psychodynamic theory where the emphasis would be on your unconscious processes.

I'm sorry you were hit as a child.

I understand why you're upset, OP. I think where other posters may be coming from is that simply reading that, and nothing else, wouldn't seem to be enough to be the whole reason you feel distant from your mother. I suspect it gave you insight into why your relationship with her was already strained, rather than the other way round.

It's already been said, but you may find a good therapist could help you work through your feelings.

Thank you everyone for responding. I will be looking at therapy to soft through this mess in my head
There is more to this ( as someone asked) a long string of dismissing of my emotions in favour of her own. I won’t say it all here as I’m worried it’s identifying.
She is also a counsellor and I need to ensure I don’t get therapy from anyone she may know in her line of work ( the reason I put it off, unlikely as it’ll be)

No parent wants to admit to hitting their child. No parent ever wants to admit they lost control. I'm sorry this happened to you but for your mum to have written it down, it obviously hurt her and she was ashamed when she said she'd never hit you and doesnt agree with it. I understand you can't talk to her but you can't Bury it. You already know you are not able to do that. I suggest you either record a video message or write a letter. How is she supposed to make things better if you don't tell her?

a long string of dismissing of my emotions in favour of her own. I won’t say it all here as I’m worried it’s identifying

This is the crucial part of the emotional abuser/victim dynamic that needs to change. I think you do right to avoid getting to close to her. I think your gut instincts are protecting you. And you're trying to squash them because of external pressures, when really, those are the instincts that will get you safely through. They're like your emotional crash helmet on the bicycle of life. You need to internally give them a megaphone so that you can hear exactly what they say. They are you, and you cannot be authentic, happy, and settled, until you listen to, and trust you.

I think that finding out the truth of whether she hit you or not is a side issue, tbh, and also, impossible; you can only take her word for it and she might not offer you the truth. The real issue is that if she told you it didn't happen, it would be very hurtful for you. You can work out why that's the case without even talking to her about it. Probably via professional help. Once you start to trust your feelings, it won't matter what she admits or doesn't admit, and you'll feel comfortable maintaining the emotional distance you do. There's no law that says you have to be close to her.

Can you do online counselling with someone a long way away, to minimise the risk of meeting one of her friends?

From what you are saying I think there is a real possibility that your DM would turn any challenge about her behaviour against you. There is a risk that she will get upset and you will be made to feel like you are the one who is wrong. That will add to your pain.

Focus on coming to terms with what happened through therapy. You can’t change your DM but you can change how you deal with her. At some point you may see her as a flawed human being and recognise that the problem sits with her.

Abusive people are like that, very selfish. Everything justified through the lens of 'their needs'. It is always important to consider this in a detached way when handling a person not interested in you or your needs. What is it you want to achieve or improve? Their feelings and motivations will remain unchanged but their actions MIGHT improve.