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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can’t open up about this

85 replies

Dilemmawithemma · 28/08/2020 16:34

Firstly I have name changed...

I have always had a strained relationship with my mum and struggle to open to her. It’s like there’s a physical wall stopping me from sharing any personal details of my life or sometimes even making eye contact with her.
It’s always been this way. She pushes and pushes for me to open up and be closer but I can’t.
Here’s the thing, when I was 12 or 13 I was being nosey and found some old diaries she had written in. I snooped, innocently. They were from when I was aged 2-3 and she talks about hitting me. ( not smacking) and how she’s trying to stop but there are several entries where she says she’s done it again
I don’t remember anything else written, I closed the book and never thought about it again until now. I think this is why I am distant with her?
How can I resolve it though? I can’t say anything to her as she’ll never admit it. My kids love her and she’s lovely to them and would never hurt them. She seems a different person now

How can I overcome these feelings? AIBU to try and forget this again and pretend I never saw it?

Thanks

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 29/08/2020 09:18

OP I've only read the first half of the thread and I'm totally disgusted by some of the replies about your mother.

It must've been awful reading those diaries and keeping this in. My only advice is to get counselling as so many others have said.

Ignore the people on here saying let it go. There are always those who say that to the victims of any historic abuse. They are absolute idiots.

Do what ever you need to do but be guided by counselling and your own gut instinct.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2020 09:34

It’s clearly something she’s ashamed of, and also was at the time. In her favour, she stopped op. Many kids their parents don’t stop, I was one of them.

I understand your anger, but I also think you need to try to see the other side, which is what people are trying to tell you, which is there may have been more to this, pnd for example.

Simply because it didn’t make you lash out at your children does not mean it’s the same for everyone. It is likely if she had pnd she struggled to bond with you. Which could have resulted in where you are today. In addition she may have struggled to access help, resources were very different years ago.

This is not invalidating your anger, or validating what she did, I’m the last person who would ever validate someone who hit their kids, and have zero tolerance for it, as anyone who has seen my posts on this subject before, it is usually very triggering for me for obvious reasons and my instinct is to crucify the perpetrator, , but in this case it does strike me she was showing remorse at the time, and that she stopped hitting you.

This makes me think there is a mental illness element to it. Because any abused kid will tell you, in most cases when it’s just who they are, they don’t stop, not until you’re old enough to hit them back and cause them some Serious damage.

What I’m trying to say is abusers don’t change. That’s who they are. They start hitting and they don’t stop. They see nothing wrong with their behaviour deep down, or not enough wrong that they wish to stop. Your mother did See something wrong, she did wish to stop, and she did stop, which indicates possibly there was something else going on here.

For your own mental health instead of putting this down to simoly she was an abuser, which may well be the case, try to think through all elements of it.

If you can’t ask her then counselling may be the way forward.

Dilemmawithemma · 29/08/2020 09:37

@D4rwin
Thank you, I will be looking at therapy.

Does anyone have advice on how to find a private therapist or the ‘right’ type of therapy? I have no idea where to start.

OP posts:
insideoutsider · 29/08/2020 12:59

I mentioned upthread OP. Seek a Psychodynamic therapist. Their therapy would be aimed at exploring your early childhood experiences and linking it to your life experiences.

tornadoalley · 29/08/2020 13:15

Some responses on here are ridiculous. Your mother has admitted in her diary that she hit you, more than once. The reasons are not relevant to you as an adult or to your relationship. She did it and that has had a detrimental affect on you.

I agree therapy is the way forward.

If you feel you want to risk the current relationship and that with your children, then write a letter and state clearly you read what she put, and quote what you can. Tell her that if she denies it she risks losing all contact with you and your family. Explain why you feel distant to her and that it could be related to these episodes, and that you need closure to move forward. Tell her you will understand if why she did this but need to talk about it to move on.

Wait til after your therapy though and keep the tone concilliatory.

Eckhart · 29/08/2020 14:49

What I’m trying to say is abusers don’t change. That’s who they are

It seems that OP's mother has continued to be abusive, but in an emotional way, rather than physically. Otherwise OP wouldn't be posting about how her mother pressures her into opening up, and how she supresses her own emotional responses in favour of her mother's.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2020 14:55

It seems that OP's mother has continued to be abusive, but in an emotional way, rather than physically

That feels like you’re trying to argue semantics with someone who was abused. Nice. Go you.

I’ts evident I meant if they were beating the living shit out of you regularly they continue to do so. That doesn’t change, ask any survivor. Of course emotional abuse can continue.

SunshineCake · 29/08/2020 15:15

Where about in the country are you, *@Dilemmawithemma?

Eckhart · 29/08/2020 15:37

That feels like you’re trying to argue semantics with someone who was abused. Nice. Go you

I'm not arguing semantics with anybody, and there's no need to be unpleasant.

Venicelover · 30/08/2020 14:37

My point was that if you are tying your emotional detachment into the snapshots from the diary which you don't remember then you are hitching your issues to the wrong wagon.

So, from that pov imo you are overreacting, you then drip-fed us further information about other issues between you and your mum.

In your shoes and given that she is a counsellor and so presumably well used to having and hearing difficult conversations, I would have it out with her once and for all. Tell her what you read, tell her how you feel now and what you attribute that to, and take it from there. What is the worst that can happen if you do that?

Depending on the outcome therapy from someone qualified to unpick the detail of the issues would be very useful. You will need to be prepared to be challenged on your recollections though.

You asked a question and you got replies, but you seem to only want to hear what validates your pov. That is not what therapy will do. The desired outcome is to move you to a better place and it can be a difficult and challenging process. You need to be open to that for the optimum outcome.

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