Can’t open up about this

[Dilemmawithemma]

Firstly I have name changed...

I have always had a strained relationship with my mum and struggle to open to her. It’s like there’s a physical wall stopping me from sharing any personal details of my life or sometimes even making eye contact with her.
It’s always been this way. She pushes and pushes for me to open up and be closer but I can’t.
Here’s the thing, when I was 12 or 13 I was being nosey and found some old diaries she had written in. I snooped, innocently. They were from when I was aged 2-3 and she talks about hitting me. ( not smacking) and how she’s trying to stop but there are several entries where she says she’s done it again
I don’t remember anything else written, I closed the book and never thought about it again until now. I think this is why I am distant with her?
How can I resolve it though? I can’t say anything to her as she’ll never admit it. My kids love her and she’s lovely to them and would never hurt them. She seems a different person now

How can I overcome these feelings? AIBU to try and forget this again and pretend I never saw it?

Thanks

Your mum wrote her feelings down in a private diary, obviously never dreaming you would read it. Writing things down is an excellent way of working through your feelings. You shouldn't have been reading her private diary. Now that you have, you should seek out therapy and not speak to her about it. What will reminding your mum of something that she can't change now, and that you can't even remember, achieve?

Either speak to her or let it go. Walk a mile in the shoes of others. If you speak to her be mindful that it could open up feelings of guilt that's she's carried around.

I was hit a lot by my mother and yes I remember it from about 4 onwards.

The thing is you are searching for explanations and angry about something you don't remember and don't have any context to.
The thing about being told the same if your DH had hit you isn't really analogous.

You'll only really know the truth if you talk to her and she can't deny she wrote that stuff, but....she can say that she was writing it for her eyes and you won't understand the context. It was in her diaries, for her. As parents we will incredible guilt and also do things wrongly but many years after the fact it isn't our place to have to explain it to others necessarily unless we actively damaged them. If she has done so then you should absolutely seek therapy. Because your anger will eat you up faster than any guilt she doesn't feel any more.

I’m starting to regret posting here. I’ve downplayed this for years but it’s keeps rearing it’s head. I’ve finally been able to put it in to words and I’m being told that I’m overreacting and that we should all feel sorry for my mum. I guess I was right all long, it doesn’t matter, the feelings of being disconnected from her aren’t anything to do with this and have happened by chance and I should just be quite and not rock the boat and upset anyone

If you speak to her about it, you don't need to mention the diary. You could just ask her if she ever smacked you or 'anything like that' when you were little. She will be more defensive if she feels it's the result of her having been intruded upon. She'd be more likely to admit it if she thinks that perhaps you half remember something.

@Eckhart yes thanks, maybe a good place to start

If I was a mum posting on here, saying “I keep hitting my daughter AIBU... “ Would the response really be to write it in a diary and don’t worry she’s only 3, she won’t remember it

It does matter, OP. I'm quite shocked by some of the invalidating responses here. You're saying that you feel disconnected from your mother and you think she may have been violent towards you when you were very small, and the concensus seems to be that being violent towards a small child, if that's what she did, is ok to brush aside, and will not have a lasting effect on the child.

Not rocking the boat or upsetting anyone is not the right way forward, because your boat is already rocking and you are already upset.

@Eckhart thank you for being kind
I do need my feelings to be validated

I think you're overreacting too, sorry. What are you hoping to achieve by bringing it up after all this time? She clearly regretted it, hence the diary entries.

You are right to feel angry- you were hit by her and she acknowledged that it had gone too far. She may have had issues and felt remorse, but that doesn't take away the impact it has had on you. Yes, you may have never known if you hadn't stumbled upon the diaries, but it still has an impact on your trust and future self- esteem. I would speak to a counsellor to work through this.

I went to my GP when my daughter was over one year old. I couldn't cope with her constant screaming. ( neither could my neighbours!)
She would never settle for any length of time. Had interventions from Sleep Clinic, NCT, HV and even from GP ( medically induced sleep!)

One day I went to my GP, wept and told her that I wanted to throw my daughter out of the window. I fully expected her to invoke Social Services, get my daughter removed and that I'd be sectioned. My GP said, "if I had a pound for every new mum who wanted to harm their child, I wouldn't need to work"

I suddenly realised that I wasn't alone and I had been diagnosed with delayed PND.

My point is... what your mum said in her diary was how she felt, but probably didn't enact.
So many mums get to the end of their tether and say things. Diaries are private.
If I'd kept a diary when my children were babies then I feel sure that they'd section me now.
Diaries are a way of releasing your deepest emotions.
If you kept a daily emotional diary years ago , would you still feel the same about the situation that you were in?
To expand this... how would you feel in 16 years' time when you stumbled upon your child's diary and discovered what they felt about their childhood with you?
What if they stumbled upon your own diary from when they were babes?
Please don't be hard on yourself.
Maybe talk through this with someone.
It sounds like you've latched into a mental image and can't let go.

You are posting on here seeking advice and communicating with people.
She did that in her diary. You cant remember her doing it to you. If you havent read the diary then would you have known anything.
You have said that shes been great overall so it does seem you are overreacting. What would you want out of this?

Bloody hell these responses!!!

Both the fact that your mother wrote that she couldn't stop hitting you AND your very clear attachment issues to her suggest that no you are not overreaching.

I often find this on mumsnet though - people are very keen to LTB when its violent men but when its violence towards children its all very minimised and downplayed.

Not being able to stop hitting a small child is really not okay and is really something to react to.

And as said - your attachment issues with your mother didn't come out of nowhere. Its increasingly being found that the first two years are very important to establish attachment approaches- even though people are very unlikely to remember what happened them.

I would suggest seeking out a very good trauma specialist and work through it with them.

I would have very realistic hopes about what could be achieved by discussing it with your mother. As you will have seen from the posts on here - mother's are very keen to minimise and discount frustration and stress that is taken out in the form of violence against children.

Op you will get no joy of aibu, its main purpose these days seems to be a handy outlet for people to expel their frustrations onto others.

Look for the "stately homes" thread on the relationships board.

You deserve to have your feelings validated, both as the now adult you, and the poor little girl who must have been very hurt and scared.

I think you're overreacting too, sorry. What are you hoping to achieve by bringing it up after all this time? She clearly regretted it, hence the diary entries

We're talking about potential abuse. Would the response be the same if someone found their father's diary, detailing sexual abuse of them as a child? Regretting it is not admitting it, acknowledging it, understanding the effects of it, an act of contrition, or an apology.

For all of those saying 'What do you hope to gain?', it seems that OP would like to feel better and have a better understanding of what may or may not have happened to her/affected her relationship with her mother. Are these not valid things to want?

@piscean10

You are posting on here seeking advice and communicating with people. She did that in her diary. You cant remember her doing it to you. If you havent read the diary then would you have known anything. You have said that shes been great overall so it does seem you are overreacting. What would you want out of this?

So, if she didn't know about being hit because she was too young to remember, it doesn't matter?

Only your mum can tell you, as to whether it actually happened or not though.

I remember when DS was a toddler, we were having a bad day and he was behaving so badly and he bit me, and I had such a vivid image of shaking him (I didn't) but I had to take a time out, but if I was writing it in a diary, I may say something along the lines of I went too far etc.

I think you're making really large leaps in what you're saying.
You seem to be saying talking to your Mum would be bringing the whole horrible truth out and would ruin your relationship and your children's relationship with her. That just doesn't seem true. That's a huge assumption to make. You'd just be having a conversation. Just say something has been bothering you, when you were really young you read this in her diary and it's come to really bother you, can we talk about it?

You're other leap is not saying anything means your feelings aren't valid and everything's your fault and you're being silly, that's another huge assumption.

From the outside if it's making you feel like this I would say you need to have a call and non-judgmental conversation with your mum as a way to listen and hear her explanation not as a way to vent. If you don't feel you can do that then talk about working up to it in therapy first, or maybe by talking about it in therapy you will feel you don't have to bring it up as you will have worked through it separately.

It's up to you but these extreme assumptions about black and white outcomes aren't helping you.

OP, you don't owe it to your DM to be close to her. Not all mother-daughter relationships are like that, and yours doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be.
I see someone has already suggested the Stately Homes threads, I second the suggestion.

I think you’re so angry and emotional about this that you’re struggling to hear anything other than what you wanted to hear. You’ve asked for opinions - you can’t do that, then tell people their opinion is wrong. While I totally understand why you’re angry and emotional, I do also think you’re overreacting. Presumably this stopped soon after she wrote about it (otherwise you’d remember), it was obviously something she wanted to stop doing and wasn’t voluntary. Doesn’t make it Ok but I understand why she didn’t tell you. I don’t think there was any merit by doing so - especially if you’re already not close, she probably worries it’d push you even further away and doesn’t see it as a current issue so no point bringing it up. I’m sure when she told you that she thinks hitting children is wrong, she was telling you the truth - she felt that at the time but wasn’t able to control her actions (I’d also assume some form of PND). I’d imagine she feels a lot of shame and in the same way you can’t force yourself to open up to her, she can’t open up to you.

If I were you I’d speak to a professional and see what they advise about bringing it up with her (or not).

I’m not condoning her actions, more trying to understand why she didn’t ever bring it up with you.

I’d imagine she feels a lot of shame and in the same way you can’t force yourself to open up to her, she can’t open up to you

Poor abuser.

@Namechangearoo
I am feeling particularly vulnerable about this precise situation, but in general life I’m not a vulnerable person or a push over. I know I’m not over reacting and I will pull people up on their shitty opinions

@Eckhart thank you again, you’re making it clearer than I am, but you’re spot on. It’s shameful some of the comments on here.

To be clear, I have always felt distant and different with my mum, it was only when I read her diary that it all ‘fell in to place’ about how our relationship was. I haven’t found the dairy and then created these feelings afterwards

Someone admitting they have gone too far is literal proof that things were more than just a little smack. Your mum knew she was being unreasonable - she’s admitted it herself in the diary. I also had PND but I did not lay a finger on my child despite how low I felt. Abusing a child is not ever ok. It may have been more accepted to hit back then but it’s still doesn’t make any of this ok. You were a child and the adult let you down by losing the ability to regulate their emotions. There may be a number of reasons why this happened but ultimately no child deserves to suffer physically or mentally at the hands of their caregiver. I do think that this may be a reason why you have always felt distant. Those early years are vital for building trust and it sounds like this violence has affected your relationship.
Sorry you are not getting the compassion you deserve here.