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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Asking for holiday contributions for xmas?

84 replies

ThePartyArtist · 28/08/2020 11:47

Family are asking for Christmas gift ideas for our family of 3. They have said they intend to give adults vouchers and kids toys. They are not big earners and they themselves want very little for xmas - say they have no need for more stuff. Suggestions from them are low cost e.g. a board game, book, chocolate, alcohol.

Normally we'd ask for vouchers for family days out, or restaurants / theatre for the grown ups; however with Covid we really don't know what'll be going ahead, or what we'll feel safe doing (e.g. I would not go to a restaurant at the moment even though it's allowed).

AIBU to ask for money towards a family holiday? Obviously with Covid we don't know what'll be possible in terms of travel restrictions and companies surviving, so rather than vouchers for a specific company this would be a request for money into our account (ring fenced for this purpose)? We could give people a few ideas of what / where we are thinking but at present we couldn't say precisely what holiday it'd be used for. Does this sound ok?

Incase it doesn't, I wondered about putting together a longer list that includes various things they can pick and choose from, e.g. this list could include the holiday money suggestion, and also specific toys for son, or more general suggestions (eg. something from a specific toy website / vouchers for that website).

And one other question when people ask ideas - do you share the same list with everyone who asks, and ask them to let you know which thing they claim (if it's something you couldn't have duplicates of)? Or do you suggest different things to everyone who asks?

OP posts:
FrankieDoyle · 28/08/2020 11:49

That sounds fine to me. If I were your family I'd be happy to give cash instead of vouchers, especially under the circumstances.

sar302 · 28/08/2020 11:53

My family would have no problem with that, but be prepared to be told you're "grabby" before the end of this thread 🙄

We're often asked for lists and I give different ones to my parents and my in-laws. First because my parents are wealthier than in-laws, so like to spend more, second because Christmas is a huge deal in our family and in-laws don't go in for present buying as much in general, and third so we don't get duplicates, which is a waste of money.

bookmum08 · 28/08/2020 11:57

Just say you struggle to spend vouchers due to access to shops so cash would be easier plus you are thinking of saving up for a holiday so any cash could go towards it.
They might say "ooh great idea" or they may not. But no harm in asking.
If they insist on still getting the children toys then may have to accept that - give them a good solid list of toys your children would enjoy. Don't be vague. Don't say "he likes Lego" say "he really would love Lego set XX because he already has XY set and they go together.

ILoveWillSmith · 28/08/2020 12:00

With so many retailers going out of business, vouchers aren't a great idea anyway. I'd be quite happy to give cash.

LEELULUMPKIN · 28/08/2020 12:02

DH and I have done this for the last 10 years. We (usually) travel to the USA 3 times a year and Europe a couple of times so our family always now know to get us US $$$ or Euro's.

It's loads easier for them and we are not left with unwanted "stuff" that would usually end up at the school raffle/tombola or charity shop.

We also do the same for each other so by the time we get to go away we always have a nice little amount to spend on experiences rather than "stuff".

It helps enormously.

Go for it OP.

Florencex · 28/08/2020 12:03

They don’t appear to have a large budget based on their suggestions. I would be concerned that asking for money to go towards a holiday may make them feel they need to give more than they planned.

You are probably the best judge as to whether asking for money is acceptable in your family unit.

Jeremyironsnothing · 28/08/2020 12:06

Sounds a good idea op. I am gatekeeper for dh's list so I can tell each family what has been purchased from the other side, and he is gatekeeper to mine.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/08/2020 12:07

It wouldn’t sit right with me to ask for money for a holiday that I should be paying for in place of my child’s presents.

Ask for holiday money for your own presents, but don’t take the pleasure of gifts away from your family and your child. If they want to give the kids toys as they’ve said, then give them suggestions for toys, go for ones that would make good travel games or something. People can often get bargains on things like that if they shop around, and if they’re asking this early then that might be what they intend to do.

nicky7654 · 28/08/2020 12:15

I would never ask for money not ever. If family are struggling or low earners them tell them to just buy for the children. I never made lists either and left it up to family to choose what they want to give.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/08/2020 12:19

I'm with @nicky7654. I'd never ask for money either; think it's very bad form.

Porcupineinwaiting · 28/08/2020 12:19

If they dont have much money wouldnt you be better asking for token presents? Toys for the children and a book or something for the adults? I mean, giving you £10 towards a holiday is a bit pointless, so clearly the expectation is there that it'd be more.

Net123456 · 28/08/2020 12:21

If they don't really need anything and are low earners so don't really have much to spend why don't you suggest buying for kids only assuming they also have children and put the money you save on the adults presents towards your holiday?

Winter2020 · 28/08/2020 12:23

It could be a good time to suggest only buying for children (in families where there are children). We buy only for children and our own parents. This relieves a lot of pressure on everybody and you can put the money that you don't spend on presents towards your holiday.

Ragwort · 28/08/2020 12:27

Why not use it as an opportunity to just stop exchanging gifts or have a very clear budget of just £5 or whatever is appropriate for your family? It can be a real relief if people just stop the endless giving and receiving. We got to the stage in our family where everyone was just exchanging £20 notes ... a bit pointless really, I now have no presents to buy and just focus on meeting people (if appropriate post Covid), nice meals, playing board games, Church services etc.

unmarkedbythat · 28/08/2020 12:28

This is going to vary so much. My mum would be so offended to be asked for cash, I would just be happy someone had told me exactly what they wanted. You know your family, we don't, are they likely to find this UR?

GabsAlot · 28/08/2020 12:35

no i wouldnt ask for money esp if you know they are struggling its not fair

also you'll go on holiday but wont go to a resturant-whats the difference

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 12:36

Covid prevents you from going on family days out but holidays are okay? Hmm YABU. Tacky AF to ask for money like this. This is a good opportunity to stop needless give exchanges or stick to kids only.

Corono · 28/08/2020 12:43

I'm with @NailsNeedDoing not fair on children

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/08/2020 12:43

You just said they are not big earners. Asking them to give you money towards a holiday is a bit much, I think. It might make them feel as though they need to give more than they can afford.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/08/2020 12:43

I thinks its really rude. You've said yourself they dknt have a lot of money and haven't asked for a lot. If you ask for money for a holiday they'll feel pressured to give more than they can afford.

I cant imagine ever asking someone to just give me money instead of a gift.

Skigal86 · 28/08/2020 12:44

I wouldn’t buy vouchers for anywhere right now, you just don’t know who’s going to go bust next. I don’t know why people think a gift voucher is ok but cash isn’t, it’s just a gift voucher you can spend anywhere! Grin if you’re concerned they’d over stretch themselves because it’s for a holiday could you say you’d like them to pay for a meal at a particular restaurant on holiday (appreciate this is tricky when you don’t know where you’re going) or a particular type of day out e.g. a water park or theme park?

Ignore those who think adults shouldn’t give each other gifts or enjoy Christmas in any way, shape or form. I don’t really understand those who don’t want to show their friends and family that they love and appreciate them at special times.

Lockdownseperation · 28/08/2020 12:46

If you are planning a mural exchange of vouchers why don’t you suggest no adult gifts.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2020 12:48

They are not big earners and they themselves want very little for xmas - say they have no need for more stuff. Suggestions from them are low cost e.g. a board game, book, chocolate, alcohol.

They're basically telling you they're skint.

Match their suggestions or better still, suggest no adult presents.

LEELULUMPKIN · 28/08/2020 12:49

Genuine question. All of those who are saying they would never ask for money (and that is of course your choice and perfectly fine), what do you do if you ask someone what they want and they say money?

Do you just ignore it and buy what you think they will like anyway?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2020 12:50

If you know they are struggling why on earth would you ask for cash?

Suggest either not swapping gifts or just a token present for the children.

If you want a holiday you can save for it yourself rather than use the children’s Christmas presents as an opportunity to fund it.

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