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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Asking for holiday contributions for xmas?

84 replies

ThePartyArtist · 28/08/2020 11:47

Family are asking for Christmas gift ideas for our family of 3. They have said they intend to give adults vouchers and kids toys. They are not big earners and they themselves want very little for xmas - say they have no need for more stuff. Suggestions from them are low cost e.g. a board game, book, chocolate, alcohol.

Normally we'd ask for vouchers for family days out, or restaurants / theatre for the grown ups; however with Covid we really don't know what'll be going ahead, or what we'll feel safe doing (e.g. I would not go to a restaurant at the moment even though it's allowed).

AIBU to ask for money towards a family holiday? Obviously with Covid we don't know what'll be possible in terms of travel restrictions and companies surviving, so rather than vouchers for a specific company this would be a request for money into our account (ring fenced for this purpose)? We could give people a few ideas of what / where we are thinking but at present we couldn't say precisely what holiday it'd be used for. Does this sound ok?

Incase it doesn't, I wondered about putting together a longer list that includes various things they can pick and choose from, e.g. this list could include the holiday money suggestion, and also specific toys for son, or more general suggestions (eg. something from a specific toy website / vouchers for that website).

And one other question when people ask ideas - do you share the same list with everyone who asks, and ask them to let you know which thing they claim (if it's something you couldn't have duplicates of)? Or do you suggest different things to everyone who asks?

OP posts:
ZooKeeper19 · 28/08/2020 12:51

@ThePartyArtist same here, my parents do exactly this, give us money for holidays every year.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2020 12:52

what do you do if you ask someone what they want and they say money?

I don't tend to ask people outright what they want, I just ask them for a few gift ideas.

If they replied "Money", I'd probably say something like "Ok and some more ideas please?"

Ponoka7 · 28/08/2020 12:54

My DD asks for different things from different people. We normally contribute towards my GC birthday holiday (just her and her Mum). The youngest (3) wanted nothing for her Birthday so my eldest DD paid towards her passport. Me and my youngest, together bought her a big present.

We all don't ask for a lot and haven't got a lot of money but we have a budget for the children, which they can have in any form. Sometimes we give each other Euros.

Reedwarbler · 28/08/2020 12:59

I think it's strange to be happy to go on holiday but not out to a restaurant. For me, it is totally the other way round.
I don't think it's grabby to ask for cash, but I do think it's a bit rude and presumptive. It's a bit like saying someones gift choices are crap, so you'd rather they gave you the cash and you spend it on what YOU want.
I really don't know why such importance is given to the choice of gift, surely it's the thought that counts, not how useful it is, or the monetary value. Perhaps I am just old fashioned though.

katy1213 · 28/08/2020 12:59

I agree, very bad form to ask for money especially from low-earners.
Token gifts of book/chocolate should be fine - why should others be funding your holidays and days out?

@leelulumpkin If the request comes from a child, I go along with it. I've never actually had a request for cash from an adult as I can't imagine any friends or family being so rude. To be honest, I'd probably ignore it and give nothing!

titchy · 28/08/2020 13:01

Just ask for Amazon vouchers.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 13:02

I think it's strange to be happy to go on holiday but not out to a restaurant.

Yeah, and use Covid as an excuse. Way more likely holiday plans will be scuppered rather than a trip to a restaurant.

titchy · 28/08/2020 13:04

I mean £30 or whatever towards a £1000+ family holiday abroad is such a small amount you won't even notice it. Whereas a £30 Amazon voucher you can buy a something and tell them - 'oh that garden statue is what we used your voucher for' and it's much nicer.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 28/08/2020 13:11

@WorraLiberty

They are not big earners and they themselves want very little for xmas - say they have no need for more stuff. Suggestions from them are low cost e.g. a board game, book, chocolate, alcohol.

They're basically telling you they're skint.

Match their suggestions or better still, suggest no adult presents.

Exactly this!
BarbaraofSeville · 28/08/2020 13:15

Sounds like an ideal time to stop exchanging anything except token gifts and then you can put your own money towards your holiday.

For adults, I wouldn't bother with gifts at all, but if people are insisting, stick to chocolates/alcohol, so you can get something nice for a fiver, eg family box of chocolates or biscuits or a bottle of fizz on special offer from the supermarket.

Much less stress all round and it means that people aren't spending more than they can afford, going through the pointless charade of giving people lists or spending money they don't have on rubbish that no-one wants.

unmarkedbythat · 28/08/2020 13:18

Having thought again, can't you ask for things you do want and would have bought anyway at some point, and then bank the money you would have spent on those items as your holiday fund?

ScrapThatThen · 28/08/2020 13:19

I think just say get us a bottle and the kids a toy. Reduce the stress. Adults transferring cash to each other just feels weird.

Sally872 · 28/08/2020 13:23

I think it is fine as a gift for you or dh. But should suggest a toy for child (unless they are at an age where they enjoy getting christmas/birthday money).

I suggest a list of toys to very close family if they ask. First one to ask gets the best list of 2 or 3 choices child has mentioned. Next one to ask gets another list of things I think they would like. Definitely don't give the same list to different people.

Florencex · 28/08/2020 13:25

@LEELULUMPKIN

Genuine question. All of those who are saying they would never ask for money (and that is of course your choice and perfectly fine), what do you do if you ask someone what they want and they say money?

Do you just ignore it and buy what you think they will like anyway?

Although I haven’t said it on this thread because I think families are all different, I would never ask for money. I think because this is how we operate, the people that I am likely to be buying gifts for would be the same, so in summary I can’t see it happening. Although I don’t tend to ask people anyway. 🙂
Original poster
ThePartyArtist · 28/08/2020 13:29

Thanks all, good to have these replies.

I'd just like to say to the people asking why go on holiday but not a restaurant: our holiday could be to a very isolated spot, self catering, no need to see anyone, and within the region so travel less likely to be disrupted. Restaurant is closer proximity to people, more infection risk.

OP posts:
bookmum08 · 28/08/2020 13:53

tichey where did the OP say they want a £1000+ holiday. I was looking at short holidays in various places in the UK. £30 would cover the train fare (it part cover). I would rather a family member helps me out with that for a holiday rather than a stupid bottle of wine or something.

SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 13:55

When you ask for money, you put people on the spot and actually force them to give you more than they should.

Think about it: most people would be happy to give you or your child a book, a tshirt, a box of lego or chocolates.. but would feel mean giving you a fiver in an envelop.

If you know they are broke, it would be kinder to stick with something small like a book.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/08/2020 13:59

As long as you make sure they have money and they will not try to give more than they would normally spend (they sound on small budget) then it's absolutely fine. Or it could be some specific item for holidays.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/08/2020 14:02

Have to agree with others here.
If they are short, then asking for money so you can go on holiday seems very tactless.
I would tell them to not worry about Christmas presents this year, and instead all meet up for a picnic ( regulations allowing).

Newfornow · 28/08/2020 14:12

You are best placed to judge what is accept in your family. Have confidence in yourself. Everyone is different. Asking for money can be construed as rude for several reason. Are they rubbish at selecting gifts? Buying a gift at a bargain price looks more generous than giving say £10 or even £20 so it feels like you have to give more money than you would usually spend on a gift.

NameChange84 · 28/08/2020 14:14

Asking low earners to give you cash to help pay for your family holiday is really poor form and a bit emotionally tone deaf.

It would be kinder to agree that this year it’s probably fairest to only do very small token gifts, or nothing at all, especially as they’ve made it clear they want very little and are struggling.

I know when I’ve been struggling I’ve managed to find lovely gifts reduced to an affordable price for me in sales or with discounts etc. If I’m asked for cash I feel pressured to give more than I can afford.

Our work used to do Secret Santas for a fiver where we could ask for what exactly we wanted, after people complained about novelty plastic tat type gifts. Some people asked for a specific cheap book (or 3 for £5 from The Works etc) or Thornton’s Special Toffee, or a Greggs voucher or a couple of Sheet Masks or whatever rather than tat. Worked well as most of us were on low incomes at the time and no one was disappointed. It might be fairer to them to do something similar and fund your holiday in a different way.

1FootInTheRave · 28/08/2020 14:27

Just suggest no gifts at all?

Not even for the kids.

I have been doing this for the last few years, mainly due to the amount of waste. Going to whittle it down even further this year.

blagaaw99 · 28/08/2020 14:32

If they are not big earners then I would be thoughtful and give then small suggestions, similar to those they have given you

BelfastSmile · 28/08/2020 14:36

Could you suggest that they give the kids a fiver or a tenner or whatever to spend on holiday? Depends on the age of your kids, obviously.

SE13Mummy · 28/08/2020 14:46

We use the website what to give so anyone who asks for ideas is pointed towards that. Links to specific items can be included as well as broader descriptions e.g. art & craft materials such as glue and coloured paper, but also money or vouchers. It means there's no coordination needed across the wider family but can also be useful for getting a more general idea of what a child is into at the moment e.g. t-shirts with rainbows on, rose gold bedroom accessories etc. so relatives accessing the list might keep their eyes open and grab a bargain.