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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Asking for holiday contributions for xmas?

84 replies

ThePartyArtist · 28/08/2020 11:47

Family are asking for Christmas gift ideas for our family of 3. They have said they intend to give adults vouchers and kids toys. They are not big earners and they themselves want very little for xmas - say they have no need for more stuff. Suggestions from them are low cost e.g. a board game, book, chocolate, alcohol.

Normally we'd ask for vouchers for family days out, or restaurants / theatre for the grown ups; however with Covid we really don't know what'll be going ahead, or what we'll feel safe doing (e.g. I would not go to a restaurant at the moment even though it's allowed).

AIBU to ask for money towards a family holiday? Obviously with Covid we don't know what'll be possible in terms of travel restrictions and companies surviving, so rather than vouchers for a specific company this would be a request for money into our account (ring fenced for this purpose)? We could give people a few ideas of what / where we are thinking but at present we couldn't say precisely what holiday it'd be used for. Does this sound ok?

Incase it doesn't, I wondered about putting together a longer list that includes various things they can pick and choose from, e.g. this list could include the holiday money suggestion, and also specific toys for son, or more general suggestions (eg. something from a specific toy website / vouchers for that website).

And one other question when people ask ideas - do you share the same list with everyone who asks, and ask them to let you know which thing they claim (if it's something you couldn't have duplicates of)? Or do you suggest different things to everyone who asks?

OP posts:
CoronaBollox · 28/08/2020 14:47

Im ok with giving money as a gift when requested and dont find it rude normally. But As low earners I feel like this will put them in an awkward position. They might feel embarrassed about handing over 10/20 pound for a holiday. I would suggest no gifts then put what you would have spent in the holiday pot. I do always buy the little kids something though.

Fishyfinger · 28/08/2020 14:53

@Ragwort

Why not use it as an opportunity to just stop exchanging gifts or have a very clear budget of just £5 or whatever is appropriate for your family? It can be a real relief if people just stop the endless giving and receiving. We got to the stage in our family where everyone was just exchanging £20 notes ... a bit pointless really, I now have no presents to buy and just focus on meeting people (if appropriate post Covid), nice meals, playing board games, Church services etc.
This.

Give up the gifts. I tried to instigate this in our family -but seems like some won't do it.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 14:56

@ThePartyArtist

Thanks all, good to have these replies.

I'd just like to say to the people asking why go on holiday but not a restaurant: our holiday could be to a very isolated spot, self catering, no need to see anyone, and within the region so travel less likely to be disrupted. Restaurant is closer proximity to people, more infection risk.

Local lockdowns, the accommodation being cleaned by someone else, plenty of infection and disruption risk.

Seriously poor form to ask them for money. No justification for it at all. They asked you for gift ideas, they did not offer money.

They're low earners and you'd be willing to take money off them for a holiday? Rude.

Tell them please no gifts for the adults and a small toy for the kids.

Serin · 28/08/2020 15:01

I wouldnt ask people who are hard up for money to go on a holiday. They may feel that they have to give you a substantial amount then.
Also they wont have the pleasure of seeing the children open a present.
Maybe suggest a new swimsuit for the kids or a nice kids trolley suitcase that they can take with them. Can pick up trolley cases very cheaply in TKMaxx.

bookmum08 · 28/08/2020 15:12

Everyone saying that the OP shouldn't ask people who are 'hard up' for money - have they not noticed the OP says these people have ASKED what they want for Xmas. What difference does it make if they spend £30 on a gift, voucher or contribution to the holiday? £30 is £30 (or whatever they spend).
The alternative is no gifts at all but I know some families don't enjoy that.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 28/08/2020 15:14

@bookmum08

Everyone saying that the OP shouldn't ask people who are 'hard up' for money - have they not noticed the OP says these people have ASKED what they want for Xmas. What difference does it make if they spend £30 on a gift, voucher or contribution to the holiday? £30 is £30 (or whatever they spend). The alternative is no gifts at all but I know some families don't enjoy that.
They were asked for gift ideas, not to fund their bloody holiday!
NameChange84 · 28/08/2020 15:23

Family are asking for Christmas gift ideas for our family of 3. They have said they intend to give adults vouchers and kids toys. They are not big earners and they themselves want very little for xmas - say they have no need for more stuff. Suggestions from them are low cost e.g. a board game, book, chocolate, alcohol.

They are saying they have no money and they don’t expect anything from you and suggesting a “token” inexpensive gift. It really sounds like they would be relieved not to be put under pressure. They didn’t just ask, they made cheap suggestions. I’m sure they didn’t expect the OP to say “you can contribute to our holiday!”, bookmum08

MeepleMe · 28/08/2020 15:25

@Serin

I wouldnt ask people who are hard up for money to go on a holiday. They may feel that they have to give you a substantial amount then. Also they wont have the pleasure of seeing the children open a present. Maybe suggest a new swimsuit for the kids or a nice kids trolley suitcase that they can take with them. Can pick up trolley cases very cheaply in TKMaxx.
This is a good idea. Something for the holiday eg cossie, sunhat, inflatable ring etc. However I'd use the opportunity to stop the adult gifts altogether tbh. In my family, we have a rule that once you've got kids, you don't get presents as an adult from siblings, and wider aunties etc stopped at 21. Tried to get DH's family on board too, but some are resistant. I've persistently asked them to just stop with the generic chocolates or toiletries and give to charity instead but they continue. All I do is pass it straight to the food bank!
SantaClaritaDiet · 28/08/2020 15:34

@bookmum08

Everyone saying that the OP shouldn't ask people who are 'hard up' for money - have they not noticed the OP says these people have ASKED what they want for Xmas. What difference does it make if they spend £30 on a gift, voucher or contribution to the holiday? £30 is £30 (or whatever they spend). The alternative is no gifts at all but I know some families don't enjoy that.
the difference is that you can buy a book, or a hat for a couple of £ and no one needs to know the exact price

but most people won't be comfortable putt ing a couple of coins in an envelope.

eatsleepread · 28/08/2020 15:39

This isn't what I would do. It's fine to ask for euros as spending money, but I'd feel funny about asking for money towards the actual holiday itself.

eatsleepread · 28/08/2020 15:40

And never ever should it replace presents for the kids, but I don't think that's what you meant anyway Smile

Suzi888 · 28/08/2020 15:44

@LEELULUMPKIN hmmm I probably would give cash in that case.

As this is vouchers if not cash there isn’t much difference is there?

It’s just awkward for people like my aunt who started their Xmas shop in January and finished it in February.... and likes to regift old gifts Grin

DarlingCoffee · 28/08/2020 16:30

God no. Don’t ask for money. Especially if the people concerned do not have much. Better to think of a few low cost presents that they can buy for the children.

llangollen28 · 28/08/2020 16:35

No.

Why not ask for a charity donation instead, if you have all the books, toys etc you ever think you would like?

bookmum08 · 28/08/2020 16:36

Santa well yes if the OP doesn't actually know how much they spend but in the past if they have gifted a £20 M+S Voucher then their budget is obviously £20.
People must know an estimate of budget overwise the question "what do you want for Xmas?" is completely unanswerable. How do you know whether to suggest 3 books for £5 from The Works vs a giant hardback full colour £50 limited edition book if you don't have any clue.
The OP has two choices -
1 : "Why don't we cut back on presents this year and just buy for the children?" or
2 : "There isn't anything particular we want this year but we are hoping to save for a little holiday next year so cash instead of a voucher would be appreciated because we can add it to the holiday fund".
Also as people have pointed out - buying vouchers is such a risk with retailers going bust all the time.

Squirrelblanket · 28/08/2020 16:42

I wouldn't ask for cash in this situation and I wouldn't give it either, if asked. It's cheeky and tone deaf.

Either agree token gifts or none at all.

EggyPegg · 28/08/2020 16:45

We never ask for money from the ILs as BIL always does and ILs have made noises to us in the past that it annoyed them as it was so cold and clinical.

How old is your DC? Some of their list could be nice for them, eg a board game. Just ask for a board game for the DC and say that you don't need anything, unless there's anything that you need for the holiday? Eg thermals/gloves for a ski holiday? That's the sort of gift I like at 38 because it saves me having to buy it, and I need it. But I wouldn't give that to DC (9 and 7).

bookmum08 · 28/08/2020 16:47

It is a dilemma really as too whether this is good etiquette or not but it's got me thinking. My mum usually spends around £30 on me, my sister probably spends £30 too. I always get vouchers from my two Aunties. Usually £25 ones. £10 from Mother in Law. Husband spends about £30 (actually he spends £30 on himself, I spend £30 on myself). That's £150. I could have a long weekend by myself at somewhere like Brighton for that which I would absolutely love. But if people say why don't we scrap gifts and I pay for that myself? Because my budget is smaller. I probably spend about half. My family know this. They know our budgets are different.
I think I would really like it if they could club together to give me a long weekend trip. I still haven't spent the M+S voucher from last Xmas because M+S is boring.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 28/08/2020 17:00

Just suggest no gifts at all?

Not even for the kids.

I have been doing this for the last few years, mainly due to the amount of waste. Going to whittle it down even further this year.
How do you whittle it down even further than no gifts at all, not even for kids? Grin

user1471538283 · 28/08/2020 17:09

I think it's a great idea! Or you could do Secret Santa for the adults and the children just get something from their grandparents. The amount of money we've spent over the years makes me queasy so I would much rather just give cash

ViciousJackdaw · 28/08/2020 17:49

They are on a low income, they are asking about Christmas in August and they intend to give vouchers to some people. This suggests to me that they might be using Park or similar. So no, I'm not sure I would ask for cash at all. Why not suggest gifts for the DC only and getting your relative the book, chocolate etc. that they asked for as a present from the children (Hey Mum, our Oliver's got you a litre of Smirnoff).

Crankley · 28/08/2020 18:12

I wouldn't ask for money, especially if they aren't well off. Why don't you agree to do gifts for children only?

seriousandloyal · 28/08/2020 18:14

I certainly wouldn't ask for money from people you know haven't got much and who have approached you in August saying they only want low cost token gifts. They are clearly wanting you to say the same! I was brought up to believe that it was very vulgar and crass to ask for money but I know not everyone thinks this. In these circumstances though I definitely think they are hoping you will follow their lead.

whiplashy · 28/08/2020 19:01

YABU. Especially since they’re not big earners and giving cash can be embarrassing if they feel it doesn’t look enough

piscean10 · 28/08/2020 19:05

There is a huge difference between the cost of a board game and giving money towards a holiday. It's a No from me. that's just tacky. Would 10 -15 pounds really make a difference to your holiday? You can pick up a boardgame or chocolates for that. But knowing that they have very little income and to ask for a holiday contribution- that's just low.