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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is 34 (woman) and 46 (man) too old to have first child?

127 replies

Floralapron · 28/08/2020 00:16

Just that really?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2020 08:33

With that age gap I'd expect to be picking up more of the slack as the kids get older.

Potterpotterpotter · 28/08/2020 08:35

Mum is fine.

Dad is too old. Over 50 and just doing the school run. There think it’s the kids grandad.

PiataMaiNei · 28/08/2020 08:35

The woman certainly isn't. I would not fancy toddler tantrums at nearly 50 and teenage hormones at 60, if I'm honest, but then my experience of parenthood is as a mother and I can't divorce it from the physical impact. A man doesn't have that.

Shmithecat2 · 28/08/2020 08:36

No. I was 40, dh 46 when we had ds.

Sophoa · 28/08/2020 08:41

You aren’t old at all. 34 try for a first is perfectly normal!!! Your DH isn’t too old either, he is older but the 46 year olds I know are no more knackered than the 26 year olds. Granted most of them have teens with the youngests being late primary age bit most of them are super fit, do loads of sport, love being really active and involved, 46 is still more than young enough for a baby for a man

corythatwas · 28/08/2020 08:44

Dh's dad was 47 when he had his eldest, 51 when dh was born. The generational gap was not a problem: FIL was an adaptable, energetic, hands-on dad who was interested in life and willing to learn until he died (by which time his youngest was 42).

As for physical ability, FIL was mildly disabled since his teens from TB, so he would never have been able to run after them or play football. Does that mean he should never have had children at all?

My nephew's mum was 45 when he was born (his dad was younger). I was 12 years younger and used to envy my SIL for her seemingly endless energy and enthusiasm. The only difference is that retirement/ageing came at a time when her nephew was still a young man, so yes, there were financial decisions to be made. But both in this case and in the case of my ILs the financial situation was considerably mitigated by the fact that the other parent was younger and able to be the main breadwinner.

What matters, I think, is what you're willing to do with your mental and physical capabilities. Is your dh the kind of person who is naturally adaptable and energetic? Is he in reasonable health? Is he the kind of person who might be willing to look after himself?

happinessischocolate · 28/08/2020 08:47

Dad is too old. Over 50 and just doing the school run. There think it’s the kids grandad.

And they'll soon realise it isn't. 🤷‍♀️ apart from the fact that some men look old at 40 whilst others look younger at 50 I don't think anyone should make life choices based on the idea that a classmate MAY think your child dad is their grandad 😁 and how often do Dads to school run anyway 🙄

Shmithecat2 · 28/08/2020 08:49

@Potterpotterpotter

Dad is too old. Over 50 and just doing the school run. There think it’s the kids grandad.

My husband is 51 and has only just finished doing the preschool run. He never once got mistaken for our sons grandad by the other children. Hmm

MrsFoggy · 28/08/2020 08:50

35 (DH 37) when I had my first and 37 when I had my second so I do hope not!

My Dad was 41 when I was born, still managed to teach me to ride a bike and race me down the street like a champ despite his advancing years...

Emeraldshamrock · 28/08/2020 08:54

Dad is too old. Over 50 and just doing the school run. There think it’s the kids grandad
Not unusual at all. I live in a very mixed area there are Dad's of all ages at the school.

Ploughingthrough · 28/08/2020 08:58

DH and I have a 5 and 8 year old and toyed with the idea of a third recently. We have decided against it for a few reasons, but tbh one was that DH doesn't want to become a dad to a newborn in his 40s (he's 41, I'm 34, we'd be a year older by the time we got round to it). It's too old for us, but that doesn't make it too old for everyone. If I hadn't had any children already I would probably be going for it.

HM1984 · 28/08/2020 08:59

I clicked on YANBU but not sure that exactly conveyed how I felt! Totally fine. My aunty and uncle had their first at 41 and another at 43, they are now teens who are very respectful and not had that "embarrassed to be seen with my older parents" phase. They just taught them the importance of respect.

On the flip side, my aunty works in quite a physically demanding job which she never gave up and I know she was always very tired with night waking, cooking, cleaning, bathing etc but i think that would be the same of anyone in that job raising a family. She enjoys it much more now they are able to self care lol.

Keaveny · 28/08/2020 09:00

My take on it is do you have access to a time machine?

I assume the answer is no.

Do you want children, and are you in a good relationship?

Yes, then crack on.

My point is you met at the ages you did. I became a first time father at 40, which I realise is older than average, but given the options of not meeting my wife when she was younger, and we wanted children, what other choice did we have?

HM1984 · 28/08/2020 09:02

Ultimately a bunch of strangers on the Internet giving their opinion should be taken with a HUGE pinch of salt. Do what is best for you and your partner.

Orchidsindoors · 28/08/2020 09:03

34 is a very typical age to have your first child.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 28/08/2020 09:05

My DH was 42 and 44 when ours came along. I think he found the younger years harder after doing what he wanted for so long but on the other hand, he has been chill with teens (more than me)
Think having children later keeps you mentally younger too. He seems no different to the other dads.

RedRumTheHorse · 28/08/2020 09:05

A 46-year-old dad is not old.

I suspect Captain Sir Tom Moore's daughters like myself and younger siblings are all glad to be alive.

Oh and the advantage of dads who are 40+ is if they are actually interested in their children, they will be happy to look after them on their own.

Asuitablecat · 28/08/2020 09:05

Dh was 40 when we had dc1. A couple of his mates were becoming grandparents at the same age. He doesn't have a great bond with dc1, but I think that's personality. He's fine with dc2. He's never really been one for running round and playing , but happy to.do walks and cycles and theme parks etc

Potterpotterpotter · 28/08/2020 09:05

Calm down at the grandad comment everyoneGrin

I still think the man is far to old and I’m allowed my opinion.

OneMillionSteps · 28/08/2020 09:06

DH and I were both mid 40s when we had DC. It's been tiring but good.

Potterpotterpotter · 28/08/2020 09:07

Oh and the advantage of dads who are 40+ is if they are actually interested in their children, they will be happy to look after them on their own

Plenty of dads look after their children on there own in their 20s & 30s. Confused

Mummyspider27 · 28/08/2020 09:08

DH and I have 2. He had our first at 50 and second at 55, I’m a bit younger x

Shmithecat2 · 28/08/2020 09:08

@Potterpotterpotter and people are allowed to express how utterly stupid your opinion is.

IdblowJonSnow · 28/08/2020 09:09

No. Especially you, 34 is average-ish in my circle.
If you plan on two I'd crack on though!

TuckerCh · 28/08/2020 09:13

Not at all!!!