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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My kids are making me ill

121 replies

Haggistech · 27/08/2020 20:51

Hello, not a mum but hope that is ok

So lets start with I am currently taking Sertraline for Depression and Anxiety

My kids just seem to want to wind me up constantly., i am sure they go out of there way to annoy me and wind me up

I often find myself with my head in my hands actually feeling ill and on the verge of tears

My wife says just to switch off but i cant

I feel like they are actually going to push me over the edge

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2020 20:53

I’m sorry OP- how old are your kids? What do they so exactly? Is this the only aspect of your life you struggle with

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 20:56

How old are your children OP? My 3yr old does this to me & they know it. I just think its a stage they are going through but I definitely don't know how to switch off.
Its probably heightened by the fact you are suffering with depression & anxiety.

Cocomarine · 27/08/2020 20:56

I’m sorry your mental health is bad.
You don’t give the ages of your children - but although they can push your buttons like no other creature on earth, I actually rarely think they’re deliberately trying to wind you up - at least, pre-teens! They’re just annoying without even trying.

I think you need to go back to your GP and discuss whether your medication is the best for you. Are you receiving talking therapy? Prioritise strategies for dealing with your feelings - and more, your actions as a result - around your children.

Original poster

Haggistech · 27/08/2020 20:58

They are 7 and 3

I struggled with stress and anger last year this is why i ended up on Sertraline.

I have made an appointment as i feel they are no longer working like they should, my wife says that she thinks i see him winding me up being wors than it actually is but i am not sure

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 27/08/2020 20:59

Actually, reading your title again... I don’t think that’s helpful, or fair. Your kids are not responsible for this, they’re not making you ill. Your mental health issues are why you are ill, and that is making it harder for you to cope with your children right now. Don’t blame them - and think carefully about your language to watch out for when you are. You really might benefit from talking therapy to look at how you are framing that.

Spinakker · 27/08/2020 20:59

Yabu. They are young children who are exploring the world who learn through their mistakes. It's your job to raise them and be patient with them. Do you take them out anywhere or do any activities with them? If they are "winding you up " could they be bored ?

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 21:00

OP did you have depression & anxiety before children?

Cocomarine · 27/08/2020 21:01

You could post more about what he (the 7yo?) does if you want more opinions. Bear in my that your report will be biased though, and none of us see what your wife sees.

Separate to your own management of MH issues, have you explored parenting education? Courses or books? That might give you more ways to diffuse the behaviour that you find trying.

JingsMahBucket · 27/08/2020 21:01

@Haggistech are you able to elaborate on some of the things they’re doing?

BGirlBouillabaisse · 27/08/2020 21:02

OP, what do you know about children? Do you spend fun, quality time with them outdoors, and interact with them indoors? Do you read to them, play games with them, show them things, chat to them?

If you're just getting stressed and angry all the time, then your expectations of young children are probably extremely high, and you need parenting help/therapy.

Iggly · 27/08/2020 21:05

Your children are not doing this on purpose. They’re children.

You need to take responsibility for your health. See the GP, have a good long think about your mental and physical health. Are you drinking? Do you get exercise? How’s work?

MattBerrysHair · 27/08/2020 21:08

Op, I've had depression and anxiety for 25 years and am also a parent so I know how hard it can be. You really need to get out of this victim mindset when it comes to your kids. They're not winding you up on purpose and they're not making you Ill. Your MH issues are making the normal demands or parenthood very difficult to cope with. It's the illness not your kids, they're not doing anything wrong and are not to blame.

Have you had any therapy for your problems?

Parkmama · 27/08/2020 21:08

I was on sertraline for depression and anxiety last year, my children are 8 and 6 so similar ages to yours. The medication helped to calm down my anxiety and did made me less tearful but it didn't do much for my feelings of anger and irritation, it didn't make me feel like 'me'. After 6 months I came off them and combined this with finding the right therapy, I saw 3 counsellors before finding the right one. Once I had the sertraline out of my system, I actually felt much better, but that was also as a result of having the appropriate therapy. I think you could either talk to your GP about increasing your dose, try a different brand or (combined with therapy) try to wean yourself off them and see what impact that has. Children are hard work and we don't always enjoy raising them all the time, but they don't make us ill. I realised that I was STILL adjusting to parenting and needed support with that, even 8 years later. Good luck and by the way, it doesn't matter that you're not a mum, you're still welcome here

Original poster

Haggistech · 27/08/2020 21:09

SO a normal day for us is like this

I work 7 - 3 so i have a good part of the day to play with the kids, on nice days we will be out the garden on the trampoline or away a walk somewhere. On rainy days we will play board games or watch TV.

So a few examples

Today is one that he just kept going with. I currently have a sore back from playing with the 7 yr old and he jumped on my back knees first. he did not mean to hurt me just one of those things

The 3 yr old tonight was going to his bed and wanted to watch tv, so i said that was fine and told him he had 30 mins (he has nursery tomorrow) I asked him where his TV buttons were he said in his room so away he went to watch tv

5 mins later he comes back down saying he needs his telly buttons, he now says they are in my bedroom, so back upstairs i go to get them for him, but not in my room either.

So i say to him, if you want your TV on you need to tell me where you put the buttons....his reply was

"I dont know maybe i hid them"

So i thought ok lets try make a game out of this and make it who can find them first. he just sat there letting me looking finding the whole thing hilarious.

It might sound petty to some but where your mind is already in a dark place it does not feel petty

OP posts:

Bloomburger · 27/08/2020 21:12

You should have said don't watch tv then and turn the light out and straight to bed. Don't engage.

As for your 7 year old it was an accident.

Original poster

Haggistech · 27/08/2020 21:13

@Bloomburger

You should have said don't watch tv then and turn the light out and straight to bed. Don't engage.

As for your 7 year old it was an accident.

Yeah 7 yr old is fine, he did not mean it at all, just got a bit too excited lol

OP posts:

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 21:14

It sounds as though its your mental health and your children are heightening it. They are just being normal children to me. I remembering having a very bad day and I said to a friend that my kids were upsetting me/being hard work and she replied "Is it them or is it that you are having a bad day" and she was right. I always remember that now.

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2020 21:14

Your 3 year old is being a 3 year old (as an aside does he have a tv in his room at 3?)

This is your reaction to this - please seek help and maybe change medication

firstevernamechange · 27/08/2020 21:15

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

Kids push boundaries and can be kind of cruel, especially with known and safe adults. This is a normal phase in their development, there is no malice behind this and many parents go through. Doesn't make it any less shit though.

Things to help would be giving your kids lots of positive attention, praising kindness and telling them matter of fact how their behaviour makes you feel. You need to be very clear, kids aren't mind readers and don't have the emotional maturity to realise they are upsetting you.

"Please stop doing X, it makes me feel sad." Remove yourself from the situation. "I don't like when you x. I will go to the other room and you can tell me when you can be kind again."

I would urge you to go back to your GP to seek help for your mental health issues. Try and ask for therapy as well as meds (they can be useful in certain circumstances, but don't deal with the underlying issues). Would you find parenting classes helpful?

SlumMumBum · 27/08/2020 21:18

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. A lot of what you have said resonates - there are times when the children's behaviour (similar ages to yours) has me close to tears. What I find helps me is time to myself as much as possible - I do that by exercising, taking myself off for regular breaks while I'm parenting, mindfulness meditation. I'm about to embark on some talking therapy too.

Can you carve out some time for yourself?

TheSoapyFrog · 27/08/2020 21:18

What you have described is pretty typical behaviour for children. It isn't personal at all! I'd say that's your depression making you think that.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety and am on sertraline. Sometimes I have a really bad patch and I struggle to cope with the children. I feel like I just want to run before I completely lose my mind. Then a few days go past and I feel better. The kids are behaving as they usually do and I don't feel half as bad as I did and I can cope. So I've realised it isn't the kids, it's me.
If I were you I'd consider going back to the GP. Maybe ask to go to the full dosage of 200mg or see if there is another medication you could try instead.
Please, please try to change your thinking about your children. If they ever feel like they are responsible for how bad you feel, it will have a very negative effect on them.

Feelingconfused2020 · 27/08/2020 21:19

So firstly I massively sympathise as someone with young children who is on sertraline and secondly I voted yanbu.

However sorry OP but it's a bad idea to have a TV in a 3 year olds room. It won't help them sleep and there's no way you can be monitoring what they watch. It will affect bedtime and their bedtime will affect your bedtime and your bedtime will affect your sleep and your sleep will affect your mental health etc.

Also given that you also have a seven year old I am shocked you think a three year old sat there watching you do all the work is unusual. Three year olds just don't think " poor them, they look a bit stressed, I'll help them out" my daughter who is almost three will tell me that her shoe is in the cupboard then, when I look in the cupboard and it's not there will say "maybe it's in my room or I might have hidden it" I don't take it personally it's just 3 year old behaviour. If I say " come in now DD we will be late for ore school" she doesn't say "oh sorry mummy I hadn't realised it was so urgent" she's a very small child!

So it's not your kids causing this its the stress of dealing with kids and the effect on your mental health.

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:20

Sorry you're going through this but remove yourself from the house if you can't cope with children being, well, children.

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:20

It's best for them and for you

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:23

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