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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My kids are making me ill

121 replies

Haggistech · 27/08/2020 20:51

Hello, not a mum but hope that is ok

So lets start with I am currently taking Sertraline for Depression and Anxiety

My kids just seem to want to wind me up constantly., i am sure they go out of there way to annoy me and wind me up

I often find myself with my head in my hands actually feeling ill and on the verge of tears

My wife says just to switch off but i cant

I feel like they are actually going to push me over the edge

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 27/08/2020 21:23

I agree, they really are just being normal kids! Annoying, challenging and always incredibly loving!
Please ensure you get the right professional help that you need.

lakesidesummer · 27/08/2020 21:24

Your expectations of your dc are currently completely unreasonable.
You need to go back to your GP for more support.
It might also be worth reading a couple of parenting and child development books to help give you a sense of what normal is.

( as an aside I wouldn't recommend having a tv in a child's bedroom)

KaleWhale · 27/08/2020 21:25

Your seven year old should know better than to jump knee down into someone's back - this is incredibly dangerous and by seven he really should know that with rough and tumble play necks and backs are to be avoided.

Your three year old is just being a three year old in your example. If you are worried about their behaviour one of the first things that I would change is that the TV got removed from the bedroom and it certainly was not watched just before you expected them to fall asleep - there are numerous studies linking poor quality sleep in children with pre-sleep TV usage.

Do you have a parenting class, positive parenting, non-violent communication or parenting support near you? I would look into that as well as going to see the GP.

Do you have ways to unwind? Do you watch TV right before bed? Do you exercise regularly, do meditation / yoga, have a good support network? Medication is often not a quick fix and you will need to tackle additional parts of your life as well.

Sootybear · 27/08/2020 21:26

They are little children who do not know you have mental health problems. They are just being children. If your medication isn't working, you need to go back to your doctor. They may prescribe different ads, encourage you try therapy etc. You need to do this as your children are not responsible for your mental health. I think that you do probably recognise this as you've posted here. Just go and get some more help.

bizzy1234 · 27/08/2020 21:27

Firstly you've been incredible for posting and saying how you are feeling..
Secondly .. go and speak to a therapist/good friend/family... you aren't alone and feeling like this after a hard days work and you walk in at 3 ... that's their playtime!!
We love our kids and they can push us to the limits but understand they are just kids and their behaviour is pretty normal... although I still don't t allow a TV in my kids bedroom and they are older teenagers!
Don't beat yourself up... life is too short.
Choose your battles ... you can't win them all.
Good luck and I guarantee you'll look back with a smug face and think what a good job you've done!

Notthefutureyet · 27/08/2020 21:27

That's absolutely normal behavior for children

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:27

FWIW I don't think your kids are making you ill. I think you're ill and your kids being around is making it worse - don't pin your illness on them. You're a grown up adult and need to behave responsibly. Own your own emotions - they're just being kids. Don't put this on them. Please...

AintPageantMaterial · 27/08/2020 21:29

I’m sorry for what you are going through but your kids are not MAKING you ill. You are ill and your illness is making it hard for you to parent your children.
Your children are not responsible for your illness. Their behaviour sounds age appropriate. Your illness, and your consequent inability to parent, also affects them and your wife. Please do not blame them for something which is absolutely not their fault.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/08/2020 21:29

I agree with others that you need to redefine the problem. Your capacity to cope with some of your DC’s normal behaviour is reduced by the MH problems you are facing.

That is not your fault nor is it your children’s fault.
You have made a good start by recognising you have MH concerns and seeing your GP. Go back if you feel the medication isn’t doing what you need.

You need to find coping strategies to help you when it is tough. It might be something as simple as walking away and taking a few deep breaths whilst you calm down.

Younger children have short attention spans so if a game starts descending into chaos then it’s time to stop.

Maybe reading a bedtime story would be relaxing for you and the DC.

Choice4567 · 27/08/2020 21:30
Confused

Sorry OP but this is you not them. Particularly from the example given

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2020 21:30

Yeh nothing you describe is about the kids- kids are kids; you can’t expect adult comprehension and behaviour from them. I would seek additional help for your anxiety and depression OP.

AintPageantMaterial · 27/08/2020 21:30

Cross post with RoyalBlue there

BoggledBudgie · 27/08/2020 21:34

That’s normal children’s behaviour

endofthelinefinally · 27/08/2020 21:37

Having a TV in a child's bedroom is really bad for bed time routines and sleep.
I agree with pp. Parenting small children is the hardest job there is and if you are already unwell it is even harder.

Plussizejumpsuit · 27/08/2020 21:38

I have experience of anxiety and depression. I'm doing well now but I think only because I take medication and I'm quite careful to look after myself. In the nicest way I feel that you're in a dark place and you are seeing normal behaviour from the children as annoying, stressful and exhausting. Which it can also be even if you feel mentally well!

When I'm not doing well. Mentally load of small stuff which now doenst6bother me could cause anxiety or low mood or I get agitated about. I feel you need to shift away from thinking the kids are making you ill. Yo you're not having normal reactions to normal everyday stressors. And that's OK that part of having mental health issues. But it is about you getting better not the kids changing.

Plussizejumpsuit · 27/08/2020 21:39

Also yes move the TV out of the kids room.

oreshina · 27/08/2020 21:39

@Cocomarine

Actually, reading your title again... I don’t think that’s helpful, or fair. Your kids are not responsible for this, they’re not making you ill. Your mental health issues are why you are ill, and that is making it harder for you to cope with your children right now. Don’t blame them - and think carefully about your language to watch out for when you are. You really might benefit from talking therapy to look at how you are framing that.
I agree wholeheartedly with this.

You are struggling and need help. It is not your children at the root. You may find once you appear to be more at peace with yourself that the mood and atmosphere will change and you can start to communicate more positively with your children.

Re the telly buttons. I would be quite firm in saying " oh well that's too bad you wont be able to watch it at all then". Think about how you react, sometimes no reaction or minimal reaction is best. It can give you time to think and time for it to pass.

I hope that helps in some way.

IceCreamSummer20 · 27/08/2020 21:40

You have two issues:

You are depressed and needing to manage it. It’s tough and do go and see if the medication is right for you. Also do everything you can, cognitive behavior counseling and regular exercise are both well worth sticking to for a good while.

You are a father. Your kids are not out to get you, they are kids. They need you to be kind, patient and responsible. It is not their fault you are depressed. Thinking that ‘they’ are ‘getting at you’ is classic wrong thinking, where you see yourself as a helpless agent of what is around you. That is your issue to sort out as they are just kids. You need to do everything possible to safeguard them from your own problems, which are yours and not theirs.

Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 21:41

Wow its amazing how many very judgemental people there is on here, i thought this would start a discussion

Just for your information, My Kids know nothing about how i feel, i definitely dont let them know they wind me up, when i do get wound up i do go for a walk to chill out

I have kids that are 27 and 23 so i know perfectly well how to "Parent"

I have made another GP appointment as i stated

@Royalbloo yeah its much better for kids not to have a father

To the people that actually suggested good advice thank you very much,

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 27/08/2020 21:47

I’m glad your seeing the dr, sertraline works for 8/10 people so you might be one of those it doesn’t work for.

UnholyStramash · 27/08/2020 21:48

It sounds more as if you are ill and find life with two young children stressful and exhausting. They’ve probably done nothing except be normal youngsters. I’m not criticising you, OP, I’ve been there myself, with MH problems and finding my children as they were then (they’re in their 20s now) utterly exhausting. Even normal talk made my brain jangle. Ways to deal with it include taking a break, discussing how you feel with their other parent so they cut you some slack, speak to your doctor to see if the dose of Sertraline can be increased, maybe try to take them out for a bit - spending time with boisterous children can be easier to deal with outdoors than in the house. Please remember this isn’t forever - you WILL feel better and the children will grow up, as two examples. It’s easy when you’re depressed to think this isn’t getting better but things in your life do change over time.

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 21:49

@Haggistech

Wow its amazing how many very judgemental people there is on here, i thought this would start a discussion

Just for your information, My Kids know nothing about how i feel, i definitely dont let them know they wind me up, when i do get wound up i do go for a walk to chill out

I have kids that are 27 and 23 so i know perfectly well how to "Parent"

I have made another GP appointment as i stated

@Royalbloo yeah its much better for kids not to have a father

To the people that actually suggested good advice thank you very much,

Wow, I can't believe someone said that to you. No they are not better off without you. Gosh some people are imbecile's. Ugh.

I hope all goes well at the GP. x

ILoveFood87 · 27/08/2020 21:50

It's not your kids, they are just being kids, it's you and you need more help with your mental health issues to try to manage it.

tickertyboo · 27/08/2020 21:51

Haggistech - why are you feeling depressed and anxious?

You said that you have older children too. Did you feel this way when they were younger?

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:53

That's not actually what I said but my comment has been deleted, and I didn't save a copy of it. So...

I hope you find a way to put your children and their feelings and experiences before yours. You are the parent. You are the adult. They will experience life through you, and your reactions to them. I don't even know what was deleted but I'm pretty sure it was a fair response to what you've posted. Best of luck to you.