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AIBU?

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Original poster

My kids are making me ill

121 replies

Haggistech · 27/08/2020 20:51

Hello, not a mum but hope that is ok

So lets start with I am currently taking Sertraline for Depression and Anxiety

My kids just seem to want to wind me up constantly., i am sure they go out of there way to annoy me and wind me up

I often find myself with my head in my hands actually feeling ill and on the verge of tears

My wife says just to switch off but i cant

I feel like they are actually going to push me over the edge

OP posts:
Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 21:53

@tickertyboo

Haggistech - why are you feeling depressed and anxious?

You said that you have older children too. Did you feel this way when they were younger?

Just one of those things i suppose, last few years aint been great, both my grans passed away, my grandad passed away, my dad is not well

Just lots of little things adding up i think

OP posts:
IceCreamSummer20 · 27/08/2020 21:54

With all due respect OP - your post headline says that you blame your kids for making you ill.

That is unhealthy of you to think and is not good for them. Just having kids of 23 and 25 doesn’t mean anything. You are asking for help, this is help. Just because it’s plain speaking doesn’t mean it is any less supportive of your situation.

It would be more positive of you to say that you are ill, and sometimes find it difficult to cope with young kids because of it, and responded to all the positive suggestions about coping better.

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:55

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Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 21:57

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Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 21:57

@IceCreamSummer20

With all due respect OP - your post headline says that you blame your kids for making you ill.

That is unhealthy of you to think and is not good for them. Just having kids of 23 and 25 doesn’t mean anything. You are asking for help, this is help. Just because it’s plain speaking doesn’t mean it is any less supportive of your situation.

It would be more positive of you to say that you are ill, and sometimes find it difficult to cope with young kids because of it, and responded to all the positive suggestions about coping better.

I did say i was ill

So lets start with I am currently taking Sertraline for Depression and Anxiety

OP posts:
Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 22:00

@Royalbloo

Sorry and you are, of course, free to disagree. It's your life, for you to live. My purpose is to make sure my children are prepared and ready for the world, not that they prepare me. I'm there for them, they're not there for me to improve. They deserve the best.
Totally agree, ask my step kids.
OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 27/08/2020 22:03

Haggistech, I am so sorry. You have a lot to deal with. I do believe that talking therapy and support groups can be very helpful.
I am only just at the point of feeling ready for counselling having lost my parents and my darling son. I didn't take antidepressants because I felt it wasn't right for me. However, for some people they are great.
The bereavement board on here and the support of other bereaved parents in real life has got me through thus far.
We all need help and support at some point in life.
We also need to accept that when we are in the depths of despair, we don't always see things with clarity.
I hope you can find the right support for you.
But I do need to say again that your children's behaviour sounds absolutely normal for their ages. Kids are hard work.

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 22:03

Do they NOT deserve the best then? Is it not your jobs to prepare them for the world? To be there for them? Or maybe just your step kids? I'm genuinely asking.

Surely they come 1st and they NEED you to help prepare them for the world, model behaviour and help them? No? Your role is really important in their development. You know that, right?

nc600 · 27/08/2020 22:03

He doesn't mean he might've hidden it to wind you up. Children literally do not think that way. He means he can't remember what he did with it.

Don't tell him he can have half an hour then do what pp suggests and stop engaging and put him straight to bed because he can't see the remote. Poor kid. He's 3. Help him find it (during his 30 minutes) and provide a place that it "lives".

This isn't your kids doing this, you need to go back to the doctor. Good luck

Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 22:06

@Royalbloo

Do they NOT deserve the best then? Is it not your jobs to prepare them for the world? To be there for them? Or maybe just your step kids? I'm genuinely asking.

Surely they come 1st and they NEED you to help prepare them for the world, model behaviour and help them? No? Your role is really important in their development. You know that, right?

They do and they always come first, at what point did i say they did not? I also said that every day after work we do stuf together whether that be outside or inside. They are very polite and very well behaved in all other ways
OP posts:
DancyNancy · 27/08/2020 22:06

I feel for you I do. I sometimes feel (daily!) Like my 3 are out to get me. I struggle with the noise, demands, mess, questions.
I struggle to decide what's their poor behaviour and what's my intolerance.

I'm also on medication but believe it can only do so much when the triggering factor is my environment.
I don't blame them fully.
But I understand because I feel like being the best mom I can be despite struggling myself has a massive impact on my mental health and more recently I feel effects in my chest too.

I would recommend a therapist also.
Meds only do so much, working through things is the best way long term

Keep using here as an outlet.

It's bloody hard being a parent

LinManWellWellWell · 27/08/2020 22:06

Hi OP, the fact that you are posting on here is a really good sign. You know you’re struggling and are seeking support. As others have said I’d recommend seeing a GP and saying everything you’ve said here. Also do you get time out of the home to do something just for you? I know lockdown can really intensify these feelings which can take you to that dark place. Do they sleep well? Do you get a break overnight for example? Hope you get some good real life support soon. Also 3 can be a tough age!

Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 22:08

So, they're not making you ill. You are unwell and need help before you can function as a well-rounded adult. Please get more help. I wish you well x

IceCreamSummer20 · 27/08/2020 22:08

@Haggistech yes I said in my post please do get back to the GP and discuss whether this is the right medication, it may well be but worth a review. Also exercise and cognitive behavioural therapy - worth asking your GP. You can do the therapy online.

I said before but in depression it can all feel like everything is against you, and it’s hard to be clear thinking. This is what cognitive behavioural therapy does, tackle these thoughts and is definitely worth a try.

Part of what I was trying to say in my post is that you have linked your depression to your kids, and saying they are deliberately winding you up. It will really help your depression, and your family, to clearly separate these out. Your kids are not deliberately winding you up. They are just being kids. You are finding it hard to cope and it is okay and healthy to admit that.

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 22:08

@Royalbloo

Do they NOT deserve the best then? Is it not your jobs to prepare them for the world? To be there for them? Or maybe just your step kids? I'm genuinely asking.

Surely they come 1st and they NEED you to help prepare them for the world, model behaviour and help them? No? Your role is really important in their development. You know that, right?

Do you suffer with depression and anxiety? Do you know easy it is to feel suffocated. Hard to breathe. Like hyperventilate. Do you how hard it is to pick yourself up after a episode. How hard It is to be around children who don't understand and maybe act up more because they can see you're weak and for you to feel like you want to run away. That you are a bad person and your kids don't deserve you?

If you don't, then Fuck off. Until you've walked in these shoes.. piss off!

Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 22:09

@LinManWellWellWell

Hi OP, the fact that you are posting on here is a really good sign. You know you’re struggling and are seeking support. As others have said I’d recommend seeing a GP and saying everything you’ve said here. Also do you get time out of the home to do something just for you? I know lockdown can really intensify these feelings which can take you to that dark place. Do they sleep well? Do you get a break overnight for example? Hope you get some good real life support soon. Also 3 can be a tough age!
Thanks

I have been working with my GP the last 6 months or so, Not seen a councillor yet as all the Covid stuff kinda put a stop to that

They do sleep not too bad, usually sleeping by 8 and sleep right through, I usually spend a few hours just me and the Mrs. and then i go to sleep. I generally dont sleep well but i sometimes make up for it with a little nap lol

OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/08/2020 22:09

You are ill. You are also an older father with less energy and patience than you had first time round. OH became a dad again at 50 I know how different it was for him than it had been twenty years earlier. I tended to deflect more away from him if he seemed tired and irritable. Your life appears to consist of work then children. Do you have a hobby, did you ever have a hobby when younger?

whataboutbob · 27/08/2020 22:09

@Haggistech kids can really tip you over when you have other things to deal with that seem unmanageable. That’s the way it was for me anyway. When my boys were more or less the same age as yours my dad’s dementia was escalating at at the same time my brothers mental illness got worse. They lived together and there were no other relatives to deal with the mountain of issues. I’d go over there a day a week, which took out a whole day and when I walked to the door my eldest would rush up to me with a demand/ complaint etc and I’d find myself shouting at them. It got so tense that I was bursting into tears at work. I went for counselling in the end thinking I’d do 8 sessions and ended up having nearly 2 years worth. There was so much stuff to unpick.
I realise now my kids needed the reassurance I was their parent and available to them no matter what. Their natural selfishness meant they couldn’t begin to grasp what I was going through.
It will get better for you Haggistech it it takes time and I really would encourage you to look at counselling, even if for just a few sessions. Good luck.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 27/08/2020 22:11

OP, we're sorry you're struggling at the moment. You might want to take a look at our Mental Health Guide webguide - www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health

We've had a few reports about some of the responses to this thread - we'd remind you to remember when responding there's a real person on the other side of the screen. Parenting is hard enough and we could all do with a bit of kindness.

tickertyboo · 27/08/2020 22:14

Haggistech - when all of those little things add up they can be overwhelming. It's not surprising that you're feeling the way you do.

Before it got like this, what sort of things did you enjoy doing?

Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 22:14

@ClaraMumsnet

OP, we're sorry you're struggling at the moment. You might want to take a look at our Mental Health Guide webguide - www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health

We've had a few reports about some of the responses to this thread - we'd remind you to remember when responding there's a real person on the other side of the screen. Parenting is hard enough and we could all do with a bit of kindness.

Thank You. I will have a read :)
OP posts:
Royalbloo · 27/08/2020 22:17

I genuinely wish you well and hope you take the steps you need to. I'm sure you can find a way forward to be the best Dad ever. Rooting for you - despite my deleted messages x

Original poster
Haggistech · 27/08/2020 22:18

@tickertyboo

Haggistech - when all of those little things add up they can be overwhelming. It's not surprising that you're feeling the way you do.

Before it got like this, what sort of things did you enjoy doing?

I used to love working on my car, getting a bit more back into that now, i love exploring old building and burial grounds and documenting it all, also started getting back into that this week
OP posts:
AngryFeminist · 27/08/2020 22:18

That's not little things! You've had and have so much grief to deal with, and being around the relentlessness of young kids makes it impossible to have the time and space you naturally want to do that. It's then massively heightened by depression and anxiety and of course lockdown. I suffer with my MH too and when I'm having a dark period my son's totally normal, bombastic 4 year old behaviour feels unbearably irritating. Like a kebab skewer through the brain. I have definitely been there with my head in my hands wanting to cry because I just can't deal with the sensory onslaught.

I think like others have said though, it's important to recognise that these are our issues and not the kids'- as such, as well as the meds, concentrate on self care so that you can be present with them and enjoy them. That often looks boring as shit but it keeps the wheels on - as much sleep and sun as you can get, good diet, talk to someone regularly about how you feel.

Good luck, andassive props for seeking help - that alone shows what a good dad you are.

AngryFeminist · 27/08/2020 22:19

Ugh my post above didn't tag you @Haggistech!

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