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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you just have sex even when not wanting it?

86 replies

Alifeworthliving · 27/08/2020 19:38

I'm going through the darkest times in my mind, full on depression which I've discussed with my husband, to an extent.ive never been able to fully open up my whole life to anyone because my thoughts I deem to extreme.ive been prescribed anti depressants and feel they are some what good in numbing my thoughts which I need.

My husband has been lovely supportive throughout. My issue is I've lost all desire to have sex,I can think of nothing less I'd like to do.ive said to my husband I'm not feeling it like before and we've not been doing it as much as before.however now I feel I'm initiating it or taking part in it just so I dont lose him or end up having marriage issues. We've been married 20 years and always had a great sex life.
Do many woman do this to ensure they dont ruin their marriage?

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 27/08/2020 19:39

No, but I think we both have quite low sex drives.

aShinyNewUsername · 27/08/2020 19:40

Hmm, no I don’t think I ever have done.

My DH is very patient with me as I have gone through phases during our 18 years together where I lose all interest. I think the longest period was probably 6 months.
But he’s always accepted it.

I don’t think I would ever have sex when I didn’t feel I wanted it just to please him.

If he is the right man he will understand and not stray.

Hope you are ok.

Itisbetter · 27/08/2020 19:40

No idea what “many women do”, but I can’t imagine ever having sex if I didn’t want to and never have.

Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 19:44

What an awful time your having.

I’m sure medication for depression can affect libido.
You obviously love your husband. I don’t think the issue is that you should have to force yourself so that you don’t lose him. No one should have to force themselves into sex.

I think you need to speak to your husband and then your GP.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 27/08/2020 19:49

When we were ttc our second it took 15 months. I had sex plenty of times that I didn't actually feel like it (probably dh did too tbh).
I found after the birth of my first son I really didn't want to, I didn't tell dh I didn't want to he would never pressure me but I definitely pressured myself. 3 months after ds birth we did, then I just kept instigating maybe once a week or once a fortnight and the more we had sex the more I wanted to have sex and the easier it became.
I know we're all different but sometimes just doing it can bring back your sex drive. My dh will stroke my back for ages which really relaxes me as if I'm not in the mood I'd hate for him to try jumping straight into foreplay, it would actually turn me off if anything.
You could try building up slowly to sex. One evening have a lovely fully clothed cuddle on the couch, the next evening a nice cuddle and chat in bed, the next evening a bath, the next evening try lying naked together with your skin touching while you go to sleep, then try a massage etc. These things have to be with no expectation of ending in sex so there's no pressure (unless you suddenly really feel like it). They will hopefully just make you feel connected as a couple and release oxytocin.

DinoGreen · 27/08/2020 19:51

Yes I do frequently, my DH and I have very mismatched sex drives, I would be happy with once a month, he wants it 2-3 times a week, so to keep us both happy we compromise on about once a week ... means 75% of the time I’m having sex I don’t really want, but I want my DH to be happy so 🤷‍♀️

StoneColdBitch · 27/08/2020 19:52

I often find that I could take it or leave it at the point at which DH starts trying it on. If I go along with it, I always end up enjoying it. So yes, I do have sex even when I don't initially feel like it, but I do enjoy that sex once it gets going.

NoImNotPregnant · 27/08/2020 19:55

I do sometimes!

Never ever been forced or guilted into it, but I find it easy to make excuses to myself not to have sex (I'm tired/got a headache/kids are still awake etc) and then the longer I go without the less I want it.

But I do want to want it, if that makes sense? I fancy DH and in theory want an active sexy life. And the more I have it the more I want it, so if I find myself in a bit of a lull I give myself a pep talk and get back on the horse, so to speak Grin

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/08/2020 19:56

I might do in the beginning but I always enjoy it once I get going.

ILoveFood87 · 27/08/2020 19:56

Nope. If I don't want to why would I. Not going to feel forced by my partner.

dancingpenguins · 27/08/2020 19:56

Yes I do, but I don't think that's right. I do it to avoid arguments and a sulking husband.

user1493413286 · 27/08/2020 19:57

I would say that at times when DH has initiated it I’ve thought I can’t really be bothered but I also know that I’ll enjoy it and will be glad I made the effort so within a minute or two I’m into it and enjoy it (not that dissimilar to a lot of things that I might think I can’t be bothered but know I’ll enjoy it) but I think that’s quite different to what you’re feeling.
Frequency of sex goes up and down in a marriage depending on circumstances but I think talking about it is the most important thing that carries you through.

goodwinter · 27/08/2020 19:57

@StoneColdBitch

I often find that I could take it or leave it at the point at which DH starts trying it on. If I go along with it, I always end up enjoying it. So yes, I do have sex even when I don't initially feel like it, but I do enjoy that sex once it gets going.
Exactly the same here.
HalloBrian · 27/08/2020 20:03

@StoneColdBitch

I often find that I could take it or leave it at the point at which DH starts trying it on. If I go along with it, I always end up enjoying it. So yes, I do have sex even when I don't initially feel like it, but I do enjoy that sex once it gets going.
Same here. If I'm too tired, poorly or really dont want to I just say so. But if I'm not in the mood and he is, then I often go ahead and we both have a good time.
AlbaAlba · 27/08/2020 20:04

I wouldn't do it and go through with it if I didn't want it, and DH would never pressure me to.

Often I'm not in the mood, but as a PP said "I want to want to". So we'll cuddle in bed or whatever, and either I never really warm up, in which case we just go to sleep, or at some point in the process it's like the light switches on and suddenly I am keen. In which case things obviously progress.

In the scenario where that light never flickers on, then I wouldn't dream of continuing with actual sex. I can imagine it would feel pretty bad emotionally and probably physically too, and DH would feel awful if he thought I was going through with it when I didn't want to.

If you want to want to, then I'd suggest sometimes giving it ago through the warm-up and foreplay stages, and see what happens. You might find you end up wanting it. If not, then stop. Might want to discuss with your DP though in advance, to manage expectations.

I have noticed that the more you do it the more you want it.

CorrectileDysfunction · 27/08/2020 20:05

I do sometimes. I'm never pressured though and DH isn't a sulker, thank god, but sometimes if it's been a couple of weeks I will suggest sex because I know it would make DH happy, and I do enjoy it while we are having it, but I often can't be arsed with the idea beforehand.

I think it's fine to have to talk youself into it if you're a bit like me (not that bothered but you enjoy it when you do) as long as it's you doing it and not pressure from a partner.

For me it's a bit like exercise. I can't be bothered beforehand but feel better once I do (as well as knowing DH feels loved etc)

Original poster
Alifeworthliving · 27/08/2020 20:06

Thank you all for replying.its difficult,I've always been of the mindset a marriage needs two peoples efforts,love and mutual respect at all times to ensure it's a happy one,its just so hard to keep feel like I'm putting on an act.i do enjoy it once we are in the midst of it,but am always hoping dh finishes quickly. I love this man and fancy him,I've felt like this for over a year what if I never want it and spend my life faking it?😢

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/08/2020 20:07

Anti depressants can suppress your libido. Definitely worth talking to the doctor about it.

Echobelly · 27/08/2020 20:08

I spontaneously feel like having sex about twice a year (usually at a time DH doesn't want to Grin ) so I generally go for it and let myself get warmed up. I'll let him know, or her will pick up on it, if I'm not warming up, but it usually works.

TheGoogleMum · 27/08/2020 20:10

Same as a few others, my sex drive is lower than his (and his isnt that high to be fair) so I'm often not that keen but I make myself try unless I really don't want to (perhaps too tired, feel ill, something bothering me means I'll say no) and I always enjoy it, I always orgasm. I dont know why I'm not bothered about it so often when I do enjoy it. I think sleep became so important after having our DD and then i had insomnia, sleep became a much bigger priority for me than sex

Ghoste · 27/08/2020 20:12

I tried in the past to fake it along as some posters have suggested here, but for me it ended badly. I felt so angry and resentful and it made everything worse

Whenwillow · 27/08/2020 20:13

I was reading Caitlin Moran's article in the Times magazine last week, and she referred to the maintenance shag.
I do same sometimes, because DH and I both enjoy it once we get going, but if we waited till we were in the mood before starting we'd possibly never get round to it.
But this is in a happy, safe, affectionate relationship. It's very different if the relationship is manipulative or abusive.

Pinkmakeupbag · 27/08/2020 20:20

Same as others really. Dh and I seem to have fairly matched sex drives, although sometimes I feel mines higher, and sometimes it's just timing, what with tiredness, kids, he likes it in the mornings which is just impossible with older dc around, so sometimes it's a case of taking it when I get get it. But that's another story.

I wouldn't have sex if I really, really didn't want to, but if I'm a bit tired and not that much in the mood, I'll gladly go along with it knowing I'll enjoy it once I get going.

Not sure that helps your problem though.

RIPworkingmums · 27/08/2020 20:25

Yes. We have mismatched sex drives and I am constantly exhausted with 3 young children, but it isn’t fair to expect him to go without so yes I do have sex often when I really can’t be arsed and don’t really enjoy it. He isn’t forcing me to it’s just compromise I guess which is part of being in a relationship. Your situation is different though, you have an illness so if you need time and space to recover then he should support that.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 27/08/2020 20:27

No, I have never been good at faking it and DH would be horrified to think he was having sex with me and I didn't want to. I'm only just getting my libido back after having a baby and BF for over a year. DS is 20 months and we have had sex 4 times in that time, one of those times was this week. DH has not pressured, sulked, even joked about it. He was bloody surprised (and very enthusiastic) when I jumped him the other night though!

You're worried about losing him or damaging your marriage, but forcing yourself to do something that intimate is never going to end well.

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