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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you just have sex even when not wanting it?

86 replies

Alifeworthliving · 27/08/2020 19:38

I'm going through the darkest times in my mind, full on depression which I've discussed with my husband, to an extent.ive never been able to fully open up my whole life to anyone because my thoughts I deem to extreme.ive been prescribed anti depressants and feel they are some what good in numbing my thoughts which I need.

My husband has been lovely supportive throughout. My issue is I've lost all desire to have sex,I can think of nothing less I'd like to do.ive said to my husband I'm not feeling it like before and we've not been doing it as much as before.however now I feel I'm initiating it or taking part in it just so I dont lose him or end up having marriage issues. We've been married 20 years and always had a great sex life.
Do many woman do this to ensure they dont ruin their marriage?

OP posts:

WhiteWishes · 28/08/2020 08:36

Yes. Same as you OP.

I am in a much better place now but when I was really severely depressed but was still trying to hide it from those around me, including my husband, I would have sex that I really didn't want.

I had a high sex drive before, he never pressured me, I just never told him I didn't want to because I didn't want to be asked if I was okay.

I would lie there thinking 'just hurry up and finish' (him) so we can go to bed and I can cry whilst you're asleep.

It's not good though, and it didn't last. It ended up getting too much for me to keep to myself and I did end up opening up to my husband who was lovely and supportive and horrified I'd been feeling so low but was trying to hard to be 'normal' for his sake.

In fact it was only when I did open up that I was able to actually get better. Don't keep it in OP, your husband should be one of the first people to fight your corner and support you when you're feeling this way

MeanWeedratStew · 28/08/2020 13:27

If my husband had to wait for me to want it, he'd never get laid. I don't find sex enjoyable so I'm never going to want it. I just see it as something I have to compromise on for the sake of my marriage.

Couchbettato · 28/08/2020 14:09

I've been on antidepressants for about a year and my sex drive fell off a cliff, to the point it made me more depressed because I wanted to want to have sex, and it's just not how I used to be.

My partner has also suffer SSRI-related libido loss though and has been very supportive, so even though we have less sex, I am more comfortable so when we do have sex it's nice for both of us.

I think the biggest shock for my partner was that I didn't really need warming up to sex before antidepressants, and now it can take some time, and that might include non-sexual things, like maybe a back rub to help me unwind and get into the right headspace, or even just cuddling and talking about things that have been bogging me down for an hour or so, just to get it all out there.

BubblyBarbara · 28/08/2020 14:09

If my husband had to wait for me to want it, he'd never get laid. I don't find sex enjoyable

Maybe you should stop having sex and then the ball will be in his court. If he leaves or cheats, then it looks good on you in a divorce settlement, etc.

MeanWeedratStew · 28/08/2020 14:18

@BubblyBarbara

What makes you think I want to divorce him? Sex does nothing for me, but there's more to our relationship than that.

LilaButterfly · 28/08/2020 14:56

I do it sometimes. DH and i have different sex drives. If it was up to him we would do it every day. For me im ok with once a week. We compromise with 2-4x a week.
For me most of the time when i dont feel up for it, that usually changes in the middle. Its like going for a run. I hate the getting out part, but as soon as im running i feel good.
On rare occasions the sex really does nothing for me (maybe once every 2 months or so). Those times i just fake it.
It works for us like this and we are both happy.
If i had to fake it every time, i probably wouldnt do it though

HowFastIsTooFast · 28/08/2020 15:04

Often with EXH because he was a sulker and it wasn't worth the aggro.

DP is a revelation, we have a great and regular sex life but if either of us ever don't feel like it then it's never a big deal, we just have a cuddle and go to sleep.

ScarMatty · 28/08/2020 16:09

@StoneColdBitch

I often find that I could take it or leave it at the point at which DH starts trying it on. If I go along with it, I always end up enjoying it. So yes, I do have sex even when I don't initially feel like it, but I do enjoy that sex once it gets going.

This.

I8toys · 28/08/2020 16:31

Yes - I feel obliged sometimes but we've been together 26 years so any time away from the kids - its all systems go and feels a bit joyless. DH doesn't like to dtd with teens in the house.

morefun · 28/08/2020 16:33

I have had it when not really in the mood, as I can get in the mood by starting it up. However, you're describing a time in your life that's "dark" and you're depressed? That's different.

Theelderscrolls · 28/08/2020 16:38

Yes! I've got a pretty low sex drive and it's rare for me to really be in the mood. My partner would like to do it much more regularly, though he never forces the issue. We have reached a compromise of doing it about once a week.

I usually get more into it once we are actually underway, if not I just plan tomorrow's dinner in my head.

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