Do you just have sex even when not wanting it?

[Alifeworthliving]

I'm going through the darkest times in my mind, full on depression which I've discussed with my husband, to an extent.ive never been able to fully open up my whole life to anyone because my thoughts I deem to extreme.ive been prescribed anti depressants and feel they are some what good in numbing my thoughts which I need.

My husband has been lovely supportive throughout. My issue is I've lost all desire to have sex,I can think of nothing less I'd like to do.ive said to my husband I'm not feeling it like before and we've not been doing it as much as before.however now I feel I'm initiating it or taking part in it just so I dont lose him or end up having marriage issues. We've been married 20 years and always had a great sex life.
Do many woman do this to ensure they dont ruin their marriage?

Every shag I've ever had has been to make a man like me, want me or stay with me.

Do not be me!!

A PP has referred to the "maintenance shag" as "faking it". I don't think that's accurate, and certainly wouldn't recommend faking enjoyment.

What many of us have recounted is more about having the cuddles, stroking, intimacy etc, and seeing if that triggers genuine interest. If it does, we then go on to have sex and actually enjoy it, no faking needed it. If the warm up doesn't trigger genuine interest, then you just say 'not feeling it tonight,', kiss, goodnight/talk about your day. Definitely don't fake enjoyment or sex.

That's why managing expectations with your partner is sensible so that they don't assume the cuddles will automatically lead to sex (I mean, they should be checking for enthusiastic consent anyway, even within a relationship, but if you've a history of always progressing from warm-up to sex, then you'll need to say upfront that you're not sure you're in the mood but you're happy to have a cuddle).

I really struggle to say no, I have sex when I don't want it because I have no self worth and no respect for myself. I recognize that and know how unhealthy it is and that it is wrong, knowing something and changing something are two very different things though. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, there are times I am praying for the whole thing to just be over. You do need to talk to your partner, and your GP - not all antidepressants kill your libido, sometimes something else might be a better fit and sometimes the loss of libido is only temporary while you adjust to the medications. You say you do enjoy it once it's happening so that's promising, hopefully once you have adjusted to the medication your sex drive will pick up again.

Yes, people do things they don’t really want to do to keep other people happy all the time. Like going to someone’s wedding or garden party, buying someone a gift, going on a long countryside walk when it’s cold, or yes even doing It.

Yes, most of the time. Since hitting peri my sex drive has disappeared, I love being on my period as DH doesn't bother me. The rest of the time he pesters me I make excuses but perhaps once a week I do my duty. I'm happy to give him bj's, I much prefer that to having sex.

Gosh that sounds awful doesn't it?!

Gosh that sounds awful doesn't it?!

Why don’t you let him go? It doesn’t sound like either of you are getting much out of this.

I dont mind doing an occasional pity-shag but I wouldnt make a habit of it

Yes, I’ve had times during our relationship, thankfully not many, when I’ve effectively had to just lie back and think of England. I suspect he probably has too. This has never been as a result of illness though, more just general can’t be arsed-ness and sometimes mismatched sex drive.

Also had my libido wiped out by peri.
I'm another who goes along with it to keep DH happy, but often end up warming up and enjoying it too.
We each do other things to help/ please the other in all sorts of ways that may not be exactly what we'd want, surely most couples do? (e.g. he hates cooking, but will make me dinner)

If I really really didn't want to though, then I guess I wouldn't.

Yes, nearly 9 times out of 10 the sex I have is because of DH, not me. Sometimes I get into it, sometimes I don't and just hope it'll be over fairly quickj. I can't bear the sulking otherwise, plus there have been past complications which guilt me into giving in.
Absolutely ridiculous really, because it shouldn't be like this, but at least I can blame my upbringing on some of it.

I went through a period of depression and discontentment. Finances were low, my job lacked career progression, our family home was far too small, I wanted more from life. Looking back I was selfish and consumed by my own wants and needs. I did not consider the impact on my dh. I rarely felt like sex (did not feel sexy) and as a result rejected my dh many times. A few years later he was unfaithful.

At times I wonder how life would have panned out if I had reciprocated more than I had.

In my late teens and early 20's I had casual FWB type relationships which suited me as I had my needs met when I wanted without having to invest or have expectations and be disappointed.

I do not think I am made for marriage and parenthood, always considering another person, meeting their needs, compromising, showing patience etc. I hate to admit it but I am a selfish human being.

At times I wonder how life would have panned out if I had reciprocated more than I had.

Don’t blame yourself, he was a scum bag for cheating just because you weren’t having sex. You’re better off without men like that

I took sertraline for a while. Killed the sex drive. Maybe worth seeing the GP for a change of med if becomes a major issue long term x

Bubblybarbara
Thanks for your kind words. Though I was not unfaithful, I have been selfish in many ways within my marriage. Via counselling I have realised just how damaged I am by my childhood and high school years.

I've split with my partner but I regularly had sex when I didn't want it. One of the joys of being on my own is to no longer be poked at meaning that he wanted sex. He certainly scored nil points in the foreplay department.

I'm a depressive on lifelong medication which suppresses my libido, but also postmenopausal so slightly different to you.

The only advice I would give you is to talk to him about it. Communications really is the basis of a good relationship.

Yeah sometimes. He wants it more than I do. I could live without it tbh but I try show willing as much as I can.

@Alifeworthliving you love your man and fancy him. Tell him that, particularly if you need a break in the bedroom - just communicate. You sound like you have a wonderful marriage.
As other posters have said maybe your sex drives are becoming mismatched, though I would think your depression/meds is playing a part here. At least if you tell him how you feel, it’ll take a bit of pressure off.

Depends what you mean by not wanting it. I quite often can't be arsed but don't really mind either way, so I oblige. Sometimes I can't bear the though so I refuse. He'd have sex twice a day if I always said yes, we end up having sex twice a week.

I'm willing to start kissing and making out when I'm not really in the mood and giving it a few minutes to see where it goes. I'm always upfront about it and my spouse is fully supportive - I've had a lot of medical issues that have totally messed up my libido, my body is very unreliable in this department and it's taking a while for me to refigure things out. Many times once we start, things click emotionally if not always physically, and other times nowt clicks and we'll do something else.

Actual sex, no. If I'm emotionally into it, but physically not responding well, we may do certain things, but if it's neither, it's entirely a no go beyond him seeing to himself.

I've had sex when it hasn't been something that I was particularly desiring, but never when it's something I didn't want, IYSWIM. Our sex drives aren't always totally in sync and giving each other that bit extra when it isn't to our own detriment seems reasonable. If it meant I ended up being taken for granted or my own needs ignored or if I disliked doing it, then absolutely not. And if I never wanted to, I think that would change things too.

No. I'm so off sex these days that I just couldn't.
In general I really don't think it's a good idea.

I think it’s ok to have sex when you don’t feel like it. You obviously both love each other.

The line for me is if I feel uncomfortable with the sex, which is different from just not really being into it. It’s usually if I don’t feel my partner is respecting me, or loving me. If I feel the sex is loving it is ok.

Have you also lost enjoyment of intimacy, like holding hands or hugs? That can be so healing and lovely. If you haven’t, make sure you ask your DP to just give you hugs and plenty of affection sometimes with no sex. Just having that is great if you’ve lost your sex drive, and it can even reignite it!

Whoa there! bloody hell!, you have depression and are on anti depressants thats enough to kill anyones sex drive!.

Please be kinder to yourself, back it off a bit, your man seems to be a good undertsanding sort, your ill and you need a break to get better and its a horrible illness anyway !, so please be kinder to yourself will you?..

No

I’m the same as you OP but I find I enjoy it once we start. I hardly ever orgasm now which makes OH sad. Hoping things change at some point!