Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you just have sex even when not wanting it?

86 replies

Alifeworthliving · 27/08/2020 19:38

I'm going through the darkest times in my mind, full on depression which I've discussed with my husband, to an extent.ive never been able to fully open up my whole life to anyone because my thoughts I deem to extreme.ive been prescribed anti depressants and feel they are some what good in numbing my thoughts which I need.

My husband has been lovely supportive throughout. My issue is I've lost all desire to have sex,I can think of nothing less I'd like to do.ive said to my husband I'm not feeling it like before and we've not been doing it as much as before.however now I feel I'm initiating it or taking part in it just so I dont lose him or end up having marriage issues. We've been married 20 years and always had a great sex life.
Do many woman do this to ensure they dont ruin their marriage?

OP posts:
gypsywater · 27/08/2020 22:05

But wouldnt you be really dry and sore if you dont actually want it?

Russellbrandshair · 27/08/2020 22:11

To me, sex is exactly the same as working out. You sometimes feel like you’d rather just sit and have a cup of tea but once you get into it you feel bloody fantastic and afterwards you are always glad you made the effort. I don’t think I’ve ever had sex and thought “actually I wish I hadn’t bothered”

Bahhhhhumbug · 27/08/2020 22:21

We met and got married a few years before my menopause. We were all over each other in first few years and about two years into our marriage. I was very body confident which helped too. Now after menopause and weight gain l honestly don't care if l never had sex again. I feel sorry for my DH, he just met me / married me too late, he must wonder where that woman went.
I just make constant excuses, go to bed after he's gone asleep etc. l don't want go to the doctors as l would be mortified for one (hate talking about personal stuff) and for two, l don't see it as an illness, its just nature because l'm too old to have dc so nature takes your libido away imo. I'll probably end up having divorce him as it's not fair on him.

AbyssusAbyssumInvocat · 27/08/2020 23:00

I do but only because no matter how tired or not bothered I am, I'll be very glad I did soon after starting. The chance doesn't come around too often. I also never turn down chocolate if it's offered.

However, if I feel ill or don't want it for any reason other than a boring, non significant reason I wouldn't. To do so would breed a dislike or bad atmosphere in the relationship. Your body is yours.

Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 23:08

@gypsywater lubeHmm

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/08/2020 23:20

I know with my ex we got into a pattern of he “pestered” and I “gave in”. It was only afterwards that I realised it wasn’t really right, and the sulking etc was kind of manipulative. On the flip side though, I went completely off it for a long while, so maybe that wasn’t fair on him. In reality we should have split up a long time before we did.

BBY6 · 27/08/2020 23:23

No and that’s the reason I’m now single. I’ve always found it overrated with the exception of with one person. I’d rather not do it at all now so don’t bother

Feelingconfused2020 · 27/08/2020 23:29

Sex when you don't want it can have a huge effect on your long term wellbeing and in the future may affect your relationship.

Please only have sex when you want to have it. Do you genuinely think he would leave you or look elsewhere if you asked for a few months off? If so doesn't that make you question his commitment?

These are hard questions but please think them through.

StressedOutTFF · 27/08/2020 23:30

No I wouldn't have sex if I really didn't want to, but if it was the last thing on my mind but my husband clearly wanted a bit I almost certainly would - dont think I've ever not enjoyed it and he would do the same for me. We both have pretty high sex drives and young children though so are quite used to grabbing any opportunity and going for it

Feelingconfused2020 · 27/08/2020 23:33

I'm a little bit shocked at the number of women who say they have sex when they don't want to because otherwise their partner will sulk.or cheat.

Sad times. It's 2020.

Nancydrawn · 27/08/2020 23:48

I think there's a difference between "not desperately wanting to" and "actively wanting not to."

In the former, you might not especially be in the mood or wound up, but you're perfectly happy to do it. You may not have a driving need/desire yourself, but you're not opposed to it and you're happy to participate. Perhaps you might be in a take-it-or-leave-it place. You may have a desire to be close to your partner but your body isn't actively craving sex when you begin. Often part of the way through your desire escalates. This is fine, because it's something done willingly and happily.

In the latter, you actively don't want to have sex. It may repel you, for whatever reason, or your body or your mind might not feel up to it. Having sex would feel like a miserable chore at absolute best (and I can only imagine would feel like a trauma in other cases). You may feel pestered into it, or the pressure may be internal and you feel like you have to even though you really don't want to. The thought of it makes you unhappy. Having sex in this case is not fine, because it's done unwillingly and unhappily.

The former helps to bridge the gap between the timing of couples' desire patterns. Say you're in a good place and feeling fond, though not achingly sexy in the moment, but your partner is: that's fine. Chances are the situation will be reversed at times. You don't both have to be at peak desire every single time.

The latter is very deeply unhealthy. You shouldn't drag yourself to sex or make yourself miserable. Your husband sounds lovely, and I doubt he wants to make you feel unhappy in any way, perhaps especially through an act that can be used to express love.

I echo the calls to talk with your doctor. It's a very common side-effect of this medication, and some talk therapy might also help as well.

Lockdownproblems · 27/08/2020 23:51

Yes. All the time. I have no libido. Depressed and anxious all the time. I let him.have sex on me but I dont want to most the time. Just dont want an argument.

Tunnocks34 · 27/08/2020 23:54

Yes and no. Sometimes I really can’t be arsed, but OH is eager, and I know I’ll get into it when we get going to I push past my initial feelings. I wouldn’t ever tell my husband this as I imagine he’d be pretty upset.

If I absolutely didn’t want to, then no I wouldn’t.

gypsywater · 28/08/2020 00:08

@Suzi888 Sure, but surely if you're not in the mood it's still not going to be comfortable physically

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 28/08/2020 06:30

@gypsywater I suppose if you remain not in the mood it may be uncomfortable but what most people have said is that even if they start off not in the mood they end up warming up to it.

cultkid · 28/08/2020 06:33

Yes I do

I nearly always end up enjoying it

I do it to keep the peace and to stop myself from feeling guilty

Hangingover · 28/08/2020 06:37

Another one who doesn't usually feel like it but enjoy it once it gets going. Like someone else said on here, it's like going to the gym...mostly you can't be arsed but you enjoy it once you're there and you're glad you did afterwards.

canigooutyet · 28/08/2020 07:05

If I don't want sex then I don't have it.
If I say no, push away or whatever not in the mood, and if I feel like it I will offer him a wank. If not, we cuddle and sleep.

Any pestering, I say something like I'm not in the mood what is hard to understand. You really want to fuck knowing this? I understand that your horny, I understand that you are now feeling rejected as a result.. I do try and say it better in person, and if it's not understood, bye.

I have in the past made the mistake on both sides.

I was the sulker etc if I didn't get my needs met. I do find it a fab stress release and all that. I came to the realisation that these are my issues to deal with, who am I to demand that someone else gives up their free time? Not just sex just a lot of things.

I do things I want to because it's something that I enjoy not because I am in someway obligated to do them with a lot of things in life. I find it much easier tbh.

Tunnocks34 · 28/08/2020 07:30

I feel I need to add however, I never feel under pressure to have sex. I know if I told my DH no, he’s just say ‘no problem’ and we’d watch a film, talk etc.

Just sometimes for me, with three young children, one who still breastfeeds, I have to really battle past the exhaustion to have sex that I want, but can’t be arsed with. That’s what I mean when I say I sometimes have sex when I don’t want to initially. I’d never have sex only to please my husband.

Inthe60s · 28/08/2020 07:45

It's certainly a YES for me (and for DH!). Of course that is not the case if sick, really tired, too stressed, etc. The reality is its hard to have things aligned all the time, and if one of us wants it, then they get it.

When I was MUCH younger I really really really wanted it a few days in a row per month. DH did his best :)

Now we'll generally ask the other person in advance, tonight I'd like X/Y/Z. Even if it's not what I'd like ... I love to know that I can please my partner like that. There is a strange sense of control/power for me? I also find it erotic to know what I'll be doing later int he evening.

I also like the analogy of exercise that some posted about.

At the end of the day for me it's an important part of our relationship. Without it we'd be friends.

Inthe60s · 28/08/2020 07:47

I should say the one time I really didn't like this was while TTC. That lasted a long time and was very mechanical for both of us. Looking back, we should have tried to have a much more fun experience. Time wasted :(

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 28/08/2020 07:51

Yes I do

Iggly · 28/08/2020 07:54

No. I used to because DH is a sulker and now I really resent him for that. It’s put me off. I’m not sure where to go really. I never really felt my needs were fully met, he’d moan that I didn’t want sex, get huffy - when I was broken and exhausted after having the kids! Absolutely broken.

We got into a pattern of, as soon as the dcs were asleep and we went to bed he’d make his moves. He’d only make those moves if he wanted sex. So now I freeze if he tries to cuddle me in bed because I think he’s after sex. He would never acknowledge my tiredness or stress. Even that would make me more in the mood! Or I’d suggest we’d have sex earlier in the evening, as opposed to bedtime when I just wanted to sleep. Again, he wouldn’t.

Anyway, short version, if you don’t want it don’t do it. Or at the very least talk to each other.

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 28/08/2020 08:27

I wouldn't. Luckily my marriage is still doing fine, but I know that it would be an issue in some marriages.

Would it be OK to have sex under these circumstances if you weren't married or in a relationship and the situation presented itself? Unlikely I know but I doubt it would be deemed acceptable at all.

Suzi888 · 28/08/2020 08:33

@gypsywater well she said she loves him/fancies him and just thought it might be worth a go. From what others have said it seems very likely it’s her meds, so a doc visit seems the best way to go.