To ask why you left your DH?

[VestaTilley]

I’m looking for any advice you’re willing to share on why (if you’re separated or divorced) you chose to leave.

Things haven’t been right with DH (formerly a very happy marriage, together 10 years, married 4) since DS was born 17 months ago. DH wasn’t very good/patient with DS as a newborn and I’m still full of resentment.

He’s much better with him now, but didn’t help much with the nights (we mixed fed), was snappy and impatient- occasionally even shouting at DS when he wouldn’t stop crying. I was appalled. Who shouts at a baby? I had a terrible birth, huge blood loss, forceps in theatre, then a week long hospital stay. DS was a terrible sleeper until we sleep trained at 7 months. Breastfeeding went wrong at 9 weeks because of nursing strike. I kept hand expressing to try and get it to work again for 6 weeks. Doing so made my hormones and mental health go haywire. I’ve never recovered. GP said it’s not PND, just sheer exhaustion.

We have no family support nearby. I’m back at work, WFH 4 days a week. My performance has really slipped because I can’t concentrate and my brain power is now so crap; my line manager is getting concerned...

DH does a good amount at home, but as in so many marriages I do the lions share, mental load, planning for DS. I took 2 days annual leave to do DS’s bedroom and the garden. DH didn’t offer to help.

DH earns well, but spends it on frivolous things. We’re saving for a house deposit and yet he wants me to go halves on a £180 coat with his parents for his birthday. I’m away this week with DS and DH is eating out twice a day. He forgot our wedding anniversary.

I’m miserable, exhausted and feel so ground down. I feel under appreciated and effectively forgotten about by DH. He’s crap with money and has no pension. We only have savings at my instigation. He’s recently talked about getting a car on finance (I said no) all while we’re still renting.

If we split I don’t know how I’ll manage though- I earn about £37k now I’m PT. I can’t drive, we live in an expensive area, I’ll never end up owning a home of my own. We have no debts.

WWYD? Would you stay knowing that one day DH will earn huge amounts? He’s not terrible- just grumpy a lot and takes me for granted a lot. Or would you throw in the towel now, knowing you’d face a life of financial hardship and single parenting. Only for him to probably remarry and someone else reap the benefits of all my years of sacrifice. I paid for everything while he retrained and earned nothing for 2.5 years. If I left I doubt I’d meet anyone else nice, but if I leave when DS is older I’d expose him to a likely messy divorce.

Please can you tell me why you left? And if in my circs you’d do the same?

TL;DR: would you leave DH who is basically a nice man but a crap husband and an ok but not brilliant father; or stick it out to avoid financial hardship/single parenting? I don’t know whether or not I still love him. I don’t know whether or not just to keep trying for a few more years.

I don’t know whether it would be worth considering couples counselling, with your DH aware that it’s make or break time for your marriage? It sounds like there might be something worth saving if he stepped up and started doing his share, so it might be worth trying.

If that isn’t an option or doesn’t work, I would leave; you have to live a life that makes you happy, and I think your chances of that are better without him the way he currently is.

OP, you don’t need MN’s permission to leave. Why I or anybody else left our marriage’s is of absolutely no consequence to your situation. If you’re truly unhappy and you can’t see things ever improving, then leave. Only you can decide what is the best thing for you and the baby.

Thanks both, I appreciate your replies.

I just don’t want to throw in the towel now, while I’m still in the grip of the worst of the toddler/pre-schooler years and then regret it later. But I’m so sick of feeling like I have to parent my own husband. The resentment will surely just get worse.

Couples counselling is a great suggestion, thank you.

37k is not "financial hardship". Home ownership isn't the be all and end all.

Some people leave their DH for a small reason "don't like the way he eats" "doesn't wash up" and some it will take a while of abusive or even violent behaviour from their DH before they leave.
Whatever you feel is a good enough reason probably is.

Do you really think 37k is financial hardship??

As others have said, leave him if he's not adding value to your or your dc life

shouting at DS when he wouldn’t stop crying. I was appalled. Who shouts at a baby?

That would have immediately ended the marriage for me.

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel I think that’s when the love and respect died. If I ever saw him behave badly to DS now I would leave.

He pushed me down the stairs & threatened to cut my face off. He was also having an affair with one of my "friends" this was after a,couple of years of DV and only 2 years into the marriage. so good riddance to bad rubbish.
If you're not Truly happy and there is no real love LEAVE life is to short you get one go at this gig we call life and do not waste years of your life with people that don't love and respect you.

Because of MIL. she was a horrible, nasty woman and 'D'H always took her side.

Haha another MIL one here.

37k is not poor by the way! You need to move into the real world on that one I think.

Also you mention if you ever saw him behave badly to your child you would leave? He is behaving badly to your child shouting at a baby treating you as disposable? Read back what you wrote and imagine it was someone you loved telling you this.....you would tell them to leave wouldn't you?
Owning a house is not everything and you earn almost double what I earned when my marriage ended and I lost the marital home to his debts. I survived for the first year or 2 and then I just took control of my life and now I'm ten years down the road and happy and fulfilled with a beautiful daughter and a happy life in a home 200 miles away from the absurdly expensive Home Counties where the marital home was.
You can do this and you need to do this to give your child the SAFE and loving environment they need

He was an abusive, lying, cheating bastard 😂 My life is much better without him in it!

Apologies for those who think I’ve been insensitive with the financial hardship point. I come from a background where my DF was often unemployed, I occasionally was on free school meals. I myself have been unemployed and claiming JSA as an adult. I have a horror of bringing my DS up as broke as I was growing up. I know it’s not the be all and end all, but I want a home if our own- even a small flat, so I have an asset to fall back on eventually, and no ever-rising rent.

Where I live and where my parents live is v expensive. The rent on a two bed flat plus my half of childcare costs would leave me with virtually nothing from my salary. I doubt I’d qualify for Govt help, so what would DS and I live on? How could I save for him?

I’m so sorry for those of you who’ve experienced abuse. Thank you all for your replies.

I’d never let my son be in danger though, if I thought he was I would leave DH with just the clothes we stood up in.

I was in a similar situation and left. I wouldn't worry about the financial aspect, I am far better off now I don't have another 'dependent' who can't manage their own money.

I also found a nice long term rental and am enjoying answering only to myself, home ownership and relationships aren't the be all and end all. Only you can know if it is salvageable but don't be worried about being on your own if that's what you decide, it'll be ok

Thank you @sunset900

Being a single parent is way better. Sure, no bed of roses. But no matter what your decisions are, your achievements are your own. And you have the freedom of choice which no money can buy.

I left due to gaslighting, emotional and financial abuse.

It is so lovely to make your own decisions. Don't waste your life, and that of your kids putting up with this.

You may still qualify for UC on that wage, as it includes single person element, dependent element, rent allowance and childcare allowance. If you are renting you may still get something.

I don't think anyone thought insensitive, just incredibly out of touch with reality as with 37k individually, you're better off than a lot of families with combined income

Take it step by step. Start to seperate your finances. Get all your ducks in a row. Take it from there.

Go to Entitled to. Put in all the figures as if you were a lone parent. You may get help with childcare costs. Do you get the tax free childcare?

Also do a CMS calculation based on dh salary and see what that would be.

I left mine for similar reasons. He just didn’t come up to scratch as a father. We’d been together for a long time (15 years) before we had DC. But he really wasn’t up to it and while my priority became the children, his remained himself. He wasn’t the greatest of husbands either, but it was definitely his parenting that opened my eyes. He once shouted at our baby too, and other similar / worse behaviours.

I’m much happier now. Was a single parent for a while (on £34K I still got some single parent benefits) and then met my now, lovely DP, who can’t do enough for us.

Entitled to website is excellent. Also Turn 2 Us.

It depends OP. Only you can decide. DH was crap when DD was born - oblivious and didn’t step up enough. 17 months on I hated him and started having my head turned, at 2.5 years I was ready to divorce him, at 3 years we’re in therapy and things seem to be improving. To me the key thing was that he (finally) understood how his behaviour wasn’t ok, and he started to actually change. If he hadn’t I’d have been off.

Fwiw I shouted at DD when she was a baby. Not my finest hour but people make mistakes and reach the end of their ropes.

My first husband, it was a build up of resentment, that turned into disgust and I knew that we were over. I actually remember being relieved that I finally admitted it to myself that we were over.
My ex partner of a few weeks I knew it was over when I gave him a bottle of tap water on the hottest day of the year and he moaned about it being tap water.