To ask why you left your DH?

[VestaTilley]

I’m looking for any advice you’re willing to share on why (if you’re separated or divorced) you chose to leave.

Things haven’t been right with DH (formerly a very happy marriage, together 10 years, married 4) since DS was born 17 months ago. DH wasn’t very good/patient with DS as a newborn and I’m still full of resentment.

He’s much better with him now, but didn’t help much with the nights (we mixed fed), was snappy and impatient- occasionally even shouting at DS when he wouldn’t stop crying. I was appalled. Who shouts at a baby? I had a terrible birth, huge blood loss, forceps in theatre, then a week long hospital stay. DS was a terrible sleeper until we sleep trained at 7 months. Breastfeeding went wrong at 9 weeks because of nursing strike. I kept hand expressing to try and get it to work again for 6 weeks. Doing so made my hormones and mental health go haywire. I’ve never recovered. GP said it’s not PND, just sheer exhaustion.

We have no family support nearby. I’m back at work, WFH 4 days a week. My performance has really slipped because I can’t concentrate and my brain power is now so crap; my line manager is getting concerned...

DH does a good amount at home, but as in so many marriages I do the lions share, mental load, planning for DS. I took 2 days annual leave to do DS’s bedroom and the garden. DH didn’t offer to help.

DH earns well, but spends it on frivolous things. We’re saving for a house deposit and yet he wants me to go halves on a £180 coat with his parents for his birthday. I’m away this week with DS and DH is eating out twice a day. He forgot our wedding anniversary.

I’m miserable, exhausted and feel so ground down. I feel under appreciated and effectively forgotten about by DH. He’s crap with money and has no pension. We only have savings at my instigation. He’s recently talked about getting a car on finance (I said no) all while we’re still renting.

If we split I don’t know how I’ll manage though- I earn about £37k now I’m PT. I can’t drive, we live in an expensive area, I’ll never end up owning a home of my own. We have no debts.

WWYD? Would you stay knowing that one day DH will earn huge amounts? He’s not terrible- just grumpy a lot and takes me for granted a lot. Or would you throw in the towel now, knowing you’d face a life of financial hardship and single parenting. Only for him to probably remarry and someone else reap the benefits of all my years of sacrifice. I paid for everything while he retrained and earned nothing for 2.5 years. If I left I doubt I’d meet anyone else nice, but if I leave when DS is older I’d expose him to a likely messy divorce.

Please can you tell me why you left? And if in my circs you’d do the same?

TL;DR: would you leave DH who is basically a nice man but a crap husband and an ok but not brilliant father; or stick it out to avoid financial hardship/single parenting? I don’t know whether or not I still love him. I don’t know whether or not just to keep trying for a few more years.

Met and fell in love with a woman. That was pretty much a deal breaker for both me and DH.

Personally I wouldn’t make any big decisions while children are still very small and you’re still deep in the stress of it, unless there is serious mistreatment or financial recklessness. I think many relationships really struggle at the point you are in; women think that parenting will be shared equally and are often dismayed to find out that their partner really thinks it should be the woman’s job. I think you need to tell your partner how you feel, and agree an amount you can afford to save every month. Then any extra money gets split between you and he can fritter what he wants.

For what it’s worth, I left mine due to a drug and alcohol problem, and compulsive debting. Being a single parent is so much better than being with a man like that, but it’s not an easy life. I don’t have support and although I earn similar to you, in an expensive area it doesn’t get you far. I’m my marriage the problems we’re not fixable and in the end I had no choice but to end it, but it doesn’t sound like you’re quite there- just exhausted and unappreciated.

I think you need couples counselling personally. Its too easy to throw the towel in on a marriage.... remember For better or worse? Well the worse is now. It will get better again if you both work with one another.

Its not okay to shout at a baby, we all know that but having a baby, especially a first one is emotionally draining. I admit I shouted at my baby. I was exhausted had PND & PTSD but you think I dont regret that now? Because I do. I'm lucky that I have an amazing bond with my almost 5year old and I feel guilty every time I remembered that I shouted at her. The early years are the hardest.

I'm leaving DH due to his shouting, swearing, silent treatment for up to 2 months, financial control. I'm submitting my application shortly to the Gov website.

Don't stay for the money. That's all i can say really.

Give yourself a bit of time to think and research into your choices.

Don't waste years thinking you've made your bed and you have to lie in it.

IF you want to try to make it work then tell him you're unhappy and go for counceling. But be honest with yourself. Is there realistically anything he is likely to change about himself forever which would improve the way you feel?

You seem exhausted and you're doing so much work. Plus with all that your went through with the birth, I think you could do with more relaxing. DH needs someone to put some fire up his backside and needs to pull his weight. Give him a reality check. Don't give up on him yet. See if you can get him to take on a bit more. Avoid making it into an argument, but try counselling. It will open his eyes.

The reason why we marry or have a partner is because they improve our quality of life, or make us happy. If he isn't making you happy, what's the point? You're probably not very old - in your 20s or 30s - can you face living like this for the next 50 years? Get out now while your DC is still too young to be upset by it.

Ok, talking just financially here you're on a sticky wicket. I left my DH when DS was 11. I was earning pretty similar to you, so it wasn't low enough to qualify for any help at all from the government, but not a great amount either once you pay mortgage/rent/ bills etc.

However, I am still glad I left, but you sound so unsure. I would go for couples counselling. The early years are hideous, I'm sure I probably shouted at my son when he wouldn't sleep, that on its own isn't the worst thing in the world although of course it's not ideal. You need to sit down with him, tell him what you've told us and lay your cards out on the table.

Thank you @biggirlknickers - that sounds very similar here. So hard to know if I’ll regret staying or regret leaving. I know he does love us, and I think he’d be very hurt if he knew I was even contemplating this.

Separating finances and working out entitlements all excellent advice, thank you all.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice and solidarity.

Being a new Mum is so fucking hard in every way possible. I adore DS but I feel like my marriage is wrecked (DH’s and my fault of course, not DS’s).

I’m so, so tired and just want someone else to be the responsible grown up for a change.

Thank you for the advice and suggestions - I’m sat here in floods of tears, just so grateful to hear from women who’ve been through it.

The truth is, I really miss my old DH, and my marriage. And I just feel like they’ve both gone.

I think giving it time, plus counselling, is the best idea. Maybe in a few years time it’ll be easier and we’ll be happier. Though I don’t know if I could ever have a baby again. But that’s a whole other thread.

Do you have a friend you can sit down with and talk to like you've talked here OP?

((hug))

Just piping up to say to go back to the GP - that kind of exhaustion when DC is 17 months isn't necessarily normal. Your pregnancy could have triggered thyroid problems or anemia or whatever else so please push for tests from your GP. Making decisions in this kind of state of mind is not advised I'd say!

Also you don't seem to mention communicating any of these problems with your DH? and are continuing to take on the mental load. I think the first step is to gather your thoughts and talk him through all of this and say it's time for counselling as you're not okay to carry on like this.

Drop the rope as well, he's not going to step up and take over your burdens when he probably hasn't even realised they're there, so you need to vocalise what needs doing to start with instead of remaining upset and resentful that he doesn't do it voluntarily.

As for the money - £90 for a coat for his birthday does not sound like a frivolous and terrible thing to be doing? Is he actually bad with money or are you honing in on the negatives and struggling to see the big picture due to the build up of resentment. I ask this kindly, as this was what I used to do to my OH.

@VestaTilley I feel in a similar(ish) situation in that I think I want to leave DH but don't feel that there is a good enough reason to do so.

All intimacy has died between us, previously it was always instigated by me - everything from a quick cuddle to sex. This wasn't always the case but happened after I had PND. We had counselling/family therapy at the time and I thought things would improve, they didn't, so I thought I would make do with always being the person to instigate things. Then a few months ago I just thought why am I bothering? So I stopped everything. I don't even know if he's realised!

Financially I'm a lot worse off than you but I just don't want to be married to him anymore. I don't even want to find anyone else. I just want to find a nice little home near to work and school and take DS with me to live there.

So I truly feel your pain. I don't think money should drive a relationship personally. I like the saying that money doesn't make you happy but it's easier to be sad in a Mercedes. However I think it's easier to simply be happy!

Plus do you want your DS to grow up thinking that your family dynamic is 'normal'? That's something that I worry about for my DS.

I wouldn't stay for any additional time in the relationship because you are just setting yourself up for more self imposed delays (the sunken cost fallacy) when your child is a toddler-you'll be saying "But my son and husband have a strong bond how can I deny him that?" "How can I move him out of his nursery routine?"

I left for similar reasons to be honest, much happier alone and although it's hard, I know where I stand.

When I realised that hoping - and then failing to get - emotional support, as well as practical support, from him was making me a more depressed Mum. The children needed the best me and he hindered that by letting me down.
The very end was when he accused me of having an affair the night of the day my Mum suddenly died as I’d spent the day outdoors in a daze rather than in the house. I knew that moment life was too short.
The peace I found without him made me a much better Mum and it spoke volumes that the kids rarely asked about him.

I left mine last year , well actually he asked me to leave the house after I stood up at breakfast and told him not to shout at our son who was 19 months old for throwing cereals on the floor. It escalated he threw pictures in the bedroom , told me he wasn’t kicking me out but asking me to leave ASAP. Everything was fine before because I always used to apologise and walk on eggshells to keep the peace but this time I stood my ground. Plus I knew he was always going to use the fact it was his house as an excuse, sooner or later this man was going to make me homeless and he did.

He asked me reconsider After and apologised but other stuff happened shortly afterwards and finally the last straw was I accidentally burned myself with hot oil cooking his meal whilst he was waking past me calliNg me a snake and scum and all sorts, I asked him cream Because I was crying in pain. Hot oil all down my thigh. It went through my trousers and he screamed he didn’t care so I went to a&e on my own well my eldest came with me..

he called me every name under the sun, his mother was telling everyone her intention was to split us up, that’s what she does and has done to her other children. Even her own family stay away from her..

On top of that he threatened me by saying he will have the kids and he will utterly destroy me. I just kept crying and thinking what have I done that was so bad? I didn’t do anything except ask him to calm down and it shout so much it’s fine, kids do that! Even now I wonder if it was that bad but it was he could be the nicest man And the love bombing was amazing and yet a complete monster on the flip side.
That was the confusing part. As for being a dad he could be the best and yet call them horrible names and as for then for shouting , he even used to pull these scary faces 😳 he never hit me but what he did felt like I was in physical pain.

I stayed at home and he worked, I stupidly gave my tenancy up thinking It could be a happy ever after even though we weren’t married.

He had full control and used that against me to keep me in line and for a time I did so.

It’s not great now, I’m staying with family, I don’t work yet but youngest is going To school next year.. I have bad days and wonder how this ever happened when all I wanted was a family.

I have good days and feel free and know that everything will be ok. Financially it’s harder but again it will be better soon I’m sure.. I don’t know what to say OP except he doesn’t sound that bad but that’s how I’m reading it. Except shouting at baby but again ty at night just be a moment of his ! Was it a one off? If it’s continuous than that has to be addressed for the baby., mine was fine with babies, it was when they started to walk and talk, he would get nastier and shout at the kids. He couldn’t accept toddlers have tantrums , he wanted perfect behaviour and his way of dealing with it cause us to argue as well.
I can only say that you will know when it’s time. You will be confused or maybe not I don’t know, it will be hard and it will not be plain sailing. The grass isn’t Always greener but if you can sit and talk.

I tried that with my ex and again he said ‘you want me to hit you don’t you? I couldn’t do anything right at all but I still tried. Everything I tried was met with verbal abuse and threats so it was a final goodbye from me.. Still see him because of the children and it’s not nice but got to keep going.

I'm so sorry OP you deserve better.
My husbands did nothing, paid for nothing, did no childcare or nappies, or night feeds, didn't mark my birthdays or give me a Christmas present, they watched me mow a 100 foot lawn every week and do all the cleaning and laundry while working full time and with a serious disability. Then moaned and moaned when I was too tired for sex or too tired to go out.
They were dumped. My life is so much easier now I live alone, the house is always pristine, I get the adoration and love I need from my cat and I do what I want when I want

I lost all respect for him after dd was born, then the love died. A bit like your OP but not as bad. When he needed to step up he didn't.

I agree take your time. Get into as strong a position as you can. Make sure he doesnt run up debts in your name on credit card, loan or overdraft. Make some plans.

It is a very hard time. Dont rush into it but dont waste your life with him.

Have you discussed your feelings with him? Has he acknowledged and apologised for the shouting? (Which is totally different to the PP who was suffering from PND)

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

shouting at DS when he wouldn’t stop crying. I was appalled. Who shouts at a baby?

That would have immediately ended the marriage for me.

Ummmmm i actually think it's pretty normal to be so frustrated/sleep deprived/desperate that when faced with a baby who won't stop crying you lose your call. I've done it, my husband has done it, if they're being honest most parents you speak to will say they've done it.

Newborns are hard and the nonstop inconsolable crying can be unbearable. Cut him some slack on this one.

I’ve shouted a few “FUCK OFFFFFF”s at my babies at 4am when I’m exhausted and up for the 6th time.
Slightly dramatic for those suggesting shouting - as in raising their voice, not hitting, not touching, not being threatening - but raising their voice at a baby is enough to leave a marriage are either very very lucky that they have amazing coping skills when at rock bottom of exhaustion or bad so much help that they never reached that place.

Not particularly on topic, but annoying to read.

@2020iscancelled

I’ve shouted a few “FUCK OFFFFFF”s at my babies at 4am when I’m exhausted and up for the 6th time. Slightly dramatic for those suggesting shouting - as in raising their voice, not hitting, not touching, not being threatening - but raising their voice at a baby is enough to leave a marriage are either very very lucky that they have amazing coping skills when at rock bottom of exhaustion or bad so much help that they never reached that place.

Not particularly on topic, but annoying to read.

Yes, thank you!

Hi OP

I'd do what others have said. Sit down and work out what you could afford if you split. See a solicitor. Factor in things like single person council tax discount and maintenance.
Id also think about whether there is something worth salvaging here. 17 months old, I think the next 6 months things will get a lot easier eg I remember around then being able to cook a meal without the baby asking to be constantly picked up. You say you live near your parents, can they help with your child at all to give you a break? Would anyone at nursery baby sit so you can go out with your husband? I do think giving him one last chance to change and act like he is part of a team, maybe with couples counselling, might be worth a try. Also would you consider going back full time while you are still together and can split childcare costs with your partner and save as much as you can to give you options. When the 30 free hours kicks in things might be different. It does sound like you've got different attitudes to finances so is there anything you could do differently eg save a lot more at source and then have joint account for bills only and separate spending money that's gone when it's gone? Lots to think about but you have a decent salary and you do have options and there is no rush to make any final decisions now

And I have also shouted at the baby when they were waking up crying for the 5th time that night...not because I'm annoyed at the baby but because I was exhausted and feeling frustrated at myself for not being able to give my baby what they needed to stop crying. Some people cope better than others

Newborns are hard and the nonstop inconsolable crying can be unbearable. Cut him some slack on this one

I know. I have 3 now grown up DC never shouted at any of them and neither did my DH

OP herself replied to my comment that that was when the love and respect for her DH died.