To ask why you left your DH?

[VestaTilley]

I’m looking for any advice you’re willing to share on why (if you’re separated or divorced) you chose to leave.

Things haven’t been right with DH (formerly a very happy marriage, together 10 years, married 4) since DS was born 17 months ago. DH wasn’t very good/patient with DS as a newborn and I’m still full of resentment.

He’s much better with him now, but didn’t help much with the nights (we mixed fed), was snappy and impatient- occasionally even shouting at DS when he wouldn’t stop crying. I was appalled. Who shouts at a baby? I had a terrible birth, huge blood loss, forceps in theatre, then a week long hospital stay. DS was a terrible sleeper until we sleep trained at 7 months. Breastfeeding went wrong at 9 weeks because of nursing strike. I kept hand expressing to try and get it to work again for 6 weeks. Doing so made my hormones and mental health go haywire. I’ve never recovered. GP said it’s not PND, just sheer exhaustion.

We have no family support nearby. I’m back at work, WFH 4 days a week. My performance has really slipped because I can’t concentrate and my brain power is now so crap; my line manager is getting concerned...

DH does a good amount at home, but as in so many marriages I do the lions share, mental load, planning for DS. I took 2 days annual leave to do DS’s bedroom and the garden. DH didn’t offer to help.

DH earns well, but spends it on frivolous things. We’re saving for a house deposit and yet he wants me to go halves on a £180 coat with his parents for his birthday. I’m away this week with DS and DH is eating out twice a day. He forgot our wedding anniversary.

I’m miserable, exhausted and feel so ground down. I feel under appreciated and effectively forgotten about by DH. He’s crap with money and has no pension. We only have savings at my instigation. He’s recently talked about getting a car on finance (I said no) all while we’re still renting.

If we split I don’t know how I’ll manage though- I earn about £37k now I’m PT. I can’t drive, we live in an expensive area, I’ll never end up owning a home of my own. We have no debts.

WWYD? Would you stay knowing that one day DH will earn huge amounts? He’s not terrible- just grumpy a lot and takes me for granted a lot. Or would you throw in the towel now, knowing you’d face a life of financial hardship and single parenting. Only for him to probably remarry and someone else reap the benefits of all my years of sacrifice. I paid for everything while he retrained and earned nothing for 2.5 years. If I left I doubt I’d meet anyone else nice, but if I leave when DS is older I’d expose him to a likely messy divorce.

Please can you tell me why you left? And if in my circs you’d do the same?

TL;DR: would you leave DH who is basically a nice man but a crap husband and an ok but not brilliant father; or stick it out to avoid financial hardship/single parenting? I don’t know whether or not I still love him. I don’t know whether or not just to keep trying for a few more years.

Firstly, whatever you decide, learn to drive if you at all can manage it. It’ll open so many doors for you.

Secondly, I’m a single parent on a similar salary with two DC. I live in a cheap part of the country, granted, but I live in a really lovely rented house, drive a newish car (just a Ford, nothing flash, but not a banger), and really have plenty of money. ExDH earns enough that he has to pay me a decent amount of maintenance although this mostly goes on wraparound child care. But we all have new clothes, eat well, afford days out etc. It is a lifestyle change but I am in no way in financial hardship. Buying a house might be a bit of a stretch but I’m sure I’ll get there.

Never married, but...

First partner and father to DC I left after emotional abuse, gaslighting, messaging multiple women (in hindsight he probably physically cheated too), his anger issues with me and towards DC.

Second partner, I left due to financial irresponsibility, man child ness, laziness, selfishness and eventually him playing mental mind games with me.

It’s hard when you try your beat to be the best person and partner you can me and you get that back in return.

I have a wonderful partner now, and I’m glad I eventually put myself first.

I understand where your coming from, it is the irresponsible immature nature, it is hard to see a future if a partner plods along having no interest in actually working towards making it a good future.

I once shouted at my baby . Sleep deprivation can make people quite horrible.

If you had a good marriage before, there may be a chance to save it. Toddler years are still in the chaotic times!

Marriage counselling is a good idea, they won't try to persuade you either way, and if you do decide to separate they can help you navigate custody and childcare agreements together hopefully without as much bitterness that comes from doing it through solicitors and courts etc.

I shouted at my 2nd baby too.
Overall he is helpful he loves you both.
I'd have an honest chat with him.
Your DC is very young with every year it gets easier.

@LakieLady

I would focus on building your career and your savings in anticipation of a separation

Isn't there a risk that if OP had savings, she would get less in a final settlement? My DM died while my divorce was going through, I was dealing with her "estate" (a few grand in the bank) and my solicitor advised me not to finalise it until the money stuff was settled, as if it was in my account and not my mum's, it would be taken into account.

Fair point but note that the DH is not particularly financially responsible and so may not be reliable. Better to build up her own resilience.

Thank you for the new comments and advice everyone, it’s much appreciated.

To the poster who asked, I currently work 4 days a week. I’d probably up it when DS goes to school or earlier if I need to, but I was advised by my GP when I went to see him that I only return PT for a while.

Having DH take DS away for a few days is a great idea. I’ll suggest it, as well as counselling.

Useful point re savings and divorce settlement- noted but I will continue to save as I’d rather have something to fall back on if I do decide to walk and need to get a new place to live.