To ask why you left your DH?

[VestaTilley]

I’m looking for any advice you’re willing to share on why (if you’re separated or divorced) you chose to leave.

Things haven’t been right with DH (formerly a very happy marriage, together 10 years, married 4) since DS was born 17 months ago. DH wasn’t very good/patient with DS as a newborn and I’m still full of resentment.

He’s much better with him now, but didn’t help much with the nights (we mixed fed), was snappy and impatient- occasionally even shouting at DS when he wouldn’t stop crying. I was appalled. Who shouts at a baby? I had a terrible birth, huge blood loss, forceps in theatre, then a week long hospital stay. DS was a terrible sleeper until we sleep trained at 7 months. Breastfeeding went wrong at 9 weeks because of nursing strike. I kept hand expressing to try and get it to work again for 6 weeks. Doing so made my hormones and mental health go haywire. I’ve never recovered. GP said it’s not PND, just sheer exhaustion.

We have no family support nearby. I’m back at work, WFH 4 days a week. My performance has really slipped because I can’t concentrate and my brain power is now so crap; my line manager is getting concerned...

DH does a good amount at home, but as in so many marriages I do the lions share, mental load, planning for DS. I took 2 days annual leave to do DS’s bedroom and the garden. DH didn’t offer to help.

DH earns well, but spends it on frivolous things. We’re saving for a house deposit and yet he wants me to go halves on a £180 coat with his parents for his birthday. I’m away this week with DS and DH is eating out twice a day. He forgot our wedding anniversary.

I’m miserable, exhausted and feel so ground down. I feel under appreciated and effectively forgotten about by DH. He’s crap with money and has no pension. We only have savings at my instigation. He’s recently talked about getting a car on finance (I said no) all while we’re still renting.

If we split I don’t know how I’ll manage though- I earn about £37k now I’m PT. I can’t drive, we live in an expensive area, I’ll never end up owning a home of my own. We have no debts.

WWYD? Would you stay knowing that one day DH will earn huge amounts? He’s not terrible- just grumpy a lot and takes me for granted a lot. Or would you throw in the towel now, knowing you’d face a life of financial hardship and single parenting. Only for him to probably remarry and someone else reap the benefits of all my years of sacrifice. I paid for everything while he retrained and earned nothing for 2.5 years. If I left I doubt I’d meet anyone else nice, but if I leave when DS is older I’d expose him to a likely messy divorce.

Please can you tell me why you left? And if in my circs you’d do the same?

TL;DR: would you leave DH who is basically a nice man but a crap husband and an ok but not brilliant father; or stick it out to avoid financial hardship/single parenting? I don’t know whether or not I still love him. I don’t know whether or not just to keep trying for a few more years.

I left because DP was incontinent with money, cruel, gaslighted me and had an affair. DS was six months old. It was hard and we never had any support from him but I went to University and have ended up financially secure and I own our own home. You earn a good wage and you appear to have a good attitude to money. You may move to a cheaper area where you can buy eventually. He may go onto a new relationship, my DS did for a bit until she found him out. He may go onto a new relationship where the woman is happy to do it all and have a poor retirement. He sounds like a child

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Newborns are hard and the nonstop inconsolable crying can be unbearable. Cut him some slack on this one

I know. I have 3 now grown up DC never shouted at any of them and neither did my DH

OP herself replied to my comment that that was when the love and respect for her DH died.

Well done you! You are the parent to which all should aspire, but unfortunately the rest of us mere mortals aren't quite as perfect, and occasionally lose our cool when faced with a screaming baby.

I think that if you have reached a point where leaving is a real option, then you do need to sit down and discuss all this with your OH, calmly and dispassionately and not in an accusatory way.

You are both having to adjust to what parenting really means and you are both probably getting it wrong - or at least not perfect - in your own different ways. We none of us really know what it will do to us as individuals or to our relationship until we are in the thick of it.

He did wrong - he shouted at the baby - but there are many women who have felt that they could so easily have done the same in a moment of exhausted desperation. It was a very wrong thing to do, but I am assuming from your posts that it was a one-off - and it may be that he feels very bad about this, just as I do about some of the things that I have done as a parent when things were going badly.

You have nothing to lose by calmly telling him the things that are making you unhappy; by inviting him to discuss in detail what his and your expectations were and now are about being part of a couple and about being parents. Your lives have been fundamentally changed by becoming parents and both of you are having to adjust in so many ways.

It is time to sit down together and talk about these seismic shifts in your relationship; time to spell out what you hopes from him are; time to truly listen to where he is coming from.

If he is just being a prize pillock and shows no sign that he cares at all during these discussions, then you know what to do. If he makes some attempt to meet you half way and seems to get it, then it might be worth trying to move forward together with some compromises.

But the key is to make the discussion non-accusatory, or he will become defensive and you will get nowhere.

I do send you lots of good luck - these major life-shifts are sometimes hard to negotiate and it often comes down to different expectations.

I'm still in my relationship but it's terrible due to resentment- I wish I had gone when DS was a baby, he would be effected by it now and he's just about to start school so don't want to add to that big change! Given my time again, I would go the minute he told me he didn't know if he wanted the planned for baby, things never got better.

You are unhappy, exhusted and dont feel valued. He sounds selfish and like he is not willing to meet you half way in the plans that are clearly important to you.
Living like this will make you ill and will impact on your job and your children.
I did it for 11 years, like you worried about finances, not wanting to lose my family.
When I did it, honestly I was like the sun came out. No more over thinking or questioning. I had loads more headspace for just me and the kids. I earn almost half of what you do and we manage. He will have to give you child maintenance.
The kids will see their mum happier and more confident.
Home ownership isn't everything, a happy mum is. Xxx

I agree with baubled. Resentment builds up and you lose respect for them and yourself for allowing it to happen. It dominated my thoughts. I too should have gone sooner.

Well done you! You are the parent to which all should aspire, but unfortunately the rest of us mere mortals aren't quite as perfect, and occasionally lose our cool when faced with a screaming baby

We are not talking about my situation or yours but the OPS and THIS has been the deal breaker for her!

Hi op, I’m in the same boat as you.
I was ready to leave 2 years into our relationship due to him not really treating us as a relationship - we just existed - and it always being down to me to pay out for “dates”. A few days after making the decision to leave, I discovered I was pregnant so ended up staying. That was 8 years ago.
He’s bad tempered, single minded, selfish, won’t discuss any issues we have, ignored any concerns I have. I’ve tried every which way to get him to see his errors over the years and now I’m finding myself with a therapist every week who’s validating all my concerns and helping me to repair my mental health that’s been shot after all these years of being ignored, disregarded, and taken for granted.
With all that said, I’m working towards having the final conversation with him so he knows exactly where we’re at and why.
If I’d have known 8 years ago that this is where I’d be today, I would have ended everything there and then.
You and your child will be much better off going it alone. Don’t be like me.

@TickandSired so sorry to hear you’re going through this too. I truly hope you find happiness and that things work out for you for the best, either way.

How quickly the honeymoon period fades... xx

@anon2334 I am so, so sorry that wicked, cruel abuse happened to you and your children. It must have taken you such courage to leave- you did completely the right thing. Your exH sounds like a monster. I’m so very sorry that happened. Thank you for sharing it here; I hope replies to me on this thread are helpful to you. I wish you the very best for the future. You deserve the very best.

I actually think things get much better and easier when your child gets older if you do want to stick it out. You might be able to reconnect again. It sounds like life and the stresses it brings are getting in your way of being happy together. If he is open to it, personally I would give counselling a shot first.

@Mydogatemypurse @baubled @Bubbleandboil I’m so very sorry you’ve been through or are stuck in what sound like similar circumstances. It’s just shit.

Is it too much to ask we be treated with kindness, consideration and a bit of respect by a grown up man who acts like a grown up? Jesus. The crap women have to put up with never fails to take my breath away.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me; I wish you all - and everyone on this thread - the very best.

Thank you all for your comments- a few quick replies, apologies if I’ve missed anyone:

-on the GP, I went in January - full bloods done, all normal. I still feel off colour so recently tried to book an appointment and was told my last bloods were done too recently - so am going against all my principles and using the free work private medical to get tests (I appreciate I’m v lucky to have this option). I have an autoimmune disease too and have never coped well with illness or tiredness - not helping in this situation.

• I have spoken a lot with all my close girlfriends- they’ve been very kind and supportive and advised giving it time/counselling/said much as you have. None of them are divorced however and many aren’t married or Mum’s, so I wanted to ask you.

• the shouting thing bothers me, probably because he’s a man. I grew up with a shouty, stressy Mum. She is loving, but I hated the stress of that and I don’t want it for DS. DH hasn’t done it since DS was tiny, but I’m still so angry at him for doing it. Think he did it 3-4 times. DH isn’t a good coper in a crisis, and tends to get stressed out (though never, ever abusive) at run of the mill day to day things (not DS, but stressful car journeys etc). I’ve asked him to do anger management in the past- he’s said yes, but not done it. It was helpful to read from those of you who have shouted, and I know it goes without saying that you regret it, but as I thought it was really rare it’s quite useful to know that it happens. I’m still not really ok with him doing it though and would never excuse his behaviour. I would never allow DS to be endangered by him. Different of course when you’re being coercively controlled, as I know some of you have been.

• I will suggest counselling and remind him he said he’d do anger management. If things get trickier I will insist on both, or tell him I’m leaving.

• I’ve had two mega chats with him about all of this previously: he gets very upset, doesn’t try and justify himself and is, I think, genuinely sorry.

-I will suggest we implement the spending money suggestion, thank you.

• under no circs would I have another baby until DS is well clear of toddler years. I’ve told DH if he’s crap with another newborn I will leave, and I mean it.

• he’s got a good job; if we do split I should hopefully get a good settlement and CM (though his prospects are better down the line, though not a reason alone to stay). Something I know is not the case for so many women.

-I have several pots of savings (modest but I’m working on it) - if things get worse I’ll hold on to these rather than putting towards a house deposit for us together. We also have a joint account.

-sorry if I wasn’t clear: my DPs live 2.5 hours away; if I left DH I’d consider moving near to them for support if my work allowed it, but aside from visits with them and ILs we don’t have any nearby family support. Friends have offered to babysit; will try it.

I’m in my mid 30s. I won’t stay if things don’t improve: life is too short. I do think I still love him (just very deep down)...while that remains true I’ll keep working on it. But not at all costs.

Thank you so much all for the solidarity and support. It means a great deal. I’ll try and keep you updated. I wish you all the very best of luck too.

May we raise better sons.

Poor you OP. I don’t know why you’re being jumped on for the salary bit as renting plus childcare in the south east will leave you with very little if not nothing left. Is there any way you could move in with your parents for a bit while you save up? You could maybe do shared ownership or help to buy then? Good luck, it sounds very tough having to carry all the mental load and “parent” another child you didn’t sign up for.

Financial hardship?? When you have no debt? I'm a single parent earning £10k a year less than you but I work full time. I do have to keep a very close eye on my finances and can't afford lots of things but I don't think I'm in financial hardship.

You could always go back to work full time.

that kind of exhaustion when DC is 17 months isn't necessarily normal.

In this type of situation it can be.

I'm in a similar situation OP and I too was exhausted all the time. I made numerous trips to the GP, tested for this, that and the other as I couldn't understand why I felt so bloody exhausted when my DC were relatively good sleepers. I was utterly convinced something was wrong with my health. My doctor had asked if I was under any stress but I had said no as I thought of stress as being caused by "major" problems - death/illness/financial instability/ As on paper I had really nothing to be stressed about.

Eventually the GP enquired about my relationship and once I had gotten it all off my chest, she said "and you said you weren't stressed!"

Living in a state of anger and resentment (almost four years of it in my case) takes a physical toll. Chronic stress is detrimental to health.

I still haven't left and I sway back and forth for much the same reasons you cite OP. It's such a hard decision. I have a plan in place which means I should be much more financially secure in the next 18 months / two years and could support my DC better as a single mum.

What a pp said about it stripping you of the ability to be a good/happy mum is so true. Ultimately this is why I will leave. My DC deserve a non-stressed mother and I can't see that happening while I live in a state of constant irritation with their father.

There’s so much going on here. The shouting at DS was wrong but you said you think he’s genuinely sorry. It sounds like there’s poor communication here OP do you spend much time together as a couple without DS?

I would not buy a house at the moment. You earn well if 37k is your part time salary. I can understand though if you live in a expensive area you may qualify for Gov help if you was to leave your DH. Plus you could claim CMS payments for DS too.

Why does your DH have no pension?? Do you have a pension and your own savings OP??

I’m so sorry you’re in a similar situation @Someone9 - it’s horrible. I constantly worry that we’re modelling unhealthy behaviour for DS by bickering or fully blown arguing in front of him- I try and keep it from him when we do, but he’ll pick up on it before too long, and I don’t want that for him. Things are ok between me and DH until they’re not, iyswim, and I just don’t want to become bitter all the time. It’s such bad behaviour to show to my DS I really hope we can fix things as I don’t want him growing up in a house where there’s too much arguing and not enough laughter.

The financial hardship point (in response to other posters) is because after rent/my half of the nursery bill I’d have very little left over to live on (we’re in London).

DH has no pension because he’s self employed, but has earned well for 4 years and really should just see an IFA and set up a SIPP. We did see one IFA but he just wanted to promote one particular pension with a fund that had high charges. DH hasn’t arranged to see another.

Living with parents wouldn’t be an option as my DM is nuts (a whole other thread) and my job may not let me move unless we move to permanently WFH.

I work four days a week on GP’s advice at the moment: I could up it but am loathe to do so while I still feel knackered.

DH has an isa and I have savings with similar amounts across both in our own names- we have a joint current account and would pool the money to get a house deposit, if ever we have enough. In a bind though I could just keep my savings- but they and my salary aren’t enough for me to buy alone in London/SE.

Thank you all again for suggestions/advice.

P.S very rare for us to have time alone together aside from days we both WFH. Think we’ve had three meals out together since DS was born when visiting relatives minded DS. It’s not a regular thing.

Some suggestions to work towards
Learn to drive - v useful life skill and will boost your confidence and independence
Go full time at work to boost your earnings and improve your career prospects
Once you are full time it is unarguable that DH should take 50% of the load at home and also you can potentially buy in more help at home.

If you end up divorcing this will put you in a stronger position.

How part-time are you?

I think couples counselling and some kind of financial advice/counselling will help your relationship and help you negotiate your different attitudes to money.

Whether you can ever get back your love for him or forgive him for his treatment of you is debatable. It may be that it just makes the marriage bearable until you are more certain that you want to leave.

I would focus on building your career and your savings in anticipation of a separation.

In the meantime don't let him opt out of the shitwork/mental load.

And try to get some rest. Give DS to your DH for a weekend and take yourself off to your parents for sleep and a break.

Honestly, I would do some couples counselling and get all this out in the open, rather than stewing in anger and resentment.

Is it possible your DH doesn't even realise he is being selfish and self centred?

Looking at your current housing and employment and the lack of local support, I can't see any point in divorcing at the moment. It looks like an out of the frying pan situation.

Give it a year or two and work at the relationship with honesty and if it doesn't work out you will have had time to work things through financially and practically.

First husband was emotionally and physically abusive. It took me a while to figure out it was not normal. (Boiled frog!)

Second husband was lovely but a man child and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life taking the mental load.

Third time lucky and so far so good.

Currently doing through divorce in a nutshell it was my dh never recognised my contribution to the home childcare and working , he over spend and accrued so many large debts, I did lion's share of house work, could never move forward in life due to his debts and we basically didn't get along for the last 2 or 3 years. I feel happier knowing in a years time my life will be different I'm 4 months in and it's a slow process. Still living together is pretty tough but we both own the home and it's just small steps at the moment

I would focus on building your career and your savings in anticipation of a separation

Isn't there a risk that if OP had savings, she would get less in a final settlement? My DM died while my divorce was going through, I was dealing with her "estate" (a few grand in the bank) and my solicitor advised me not to finalise it until the money stuff was settled, as if it was in my account and not my mum's, it would be taken into account.