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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unrecognisable teenagers

84 replies

Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 10:08

Anyone else struggle to recognise the teenager that their teachers describe?

Apparently my daughter is an absolute delight.

Seems she keeps all her delightfulness for everyone but us.

Are they all like this?

OP posts:
TheHappyHerbivore · 27/08/2020 10:11

I think it’s quite common. You / your home is a safe space for your teenagers where they feel like they don’t have to maintain good behaviour etc. They can let out all of their hormonal frustrations and teenage angst, knowing you will still love them and care for them.

Hang in there! They’ll emerge from the chrysalis one day as the delightful adults they’re destined to be Flowers

recklessruby · 27/08/2020 10:16

I had the opposite. According to one teacher (who clearly disliked dd) she was rude, nasty and broke every rule in the school.
I was called in for a meeting when she was 15 and I actually said "I know E is no angel but I m struggling to recognise the girl you are describing ".
Turns out dd was being singled out for the things a lot of other girls were getting away with like rolling her skirt up and wearing a bit of make up.
She also told dd she would never amount to anything.
Dd is now 26 and works as a support worker for autistic young adults.

malificent7 · 27/08/2020 10:16

Normal I rekon...one of dds friend's mum was telling us how lovely and polite dd is. I was like Confused.

latticechaos · 27/08/2020 10:17

This is quite common, and so long as they are not too awful at home is not a worry imo.

If you have proper relationship problems, that's another matter, but if it is just a moody face etc I think it's fine.

School is so draining these days, the pressure never lets up!

ClareBlue · 27/08/2020 10:20

We often didn't recognise the description of our teenagers from friends and the school and outside activities. But I think it is pretty normal to push the boundaries at home where they feel safest.

I think it is a good sign that others have high opinions of them as it shows they have the fundamental characteristics that will mean they will be fine in life.

We had challenging years but all are well adjusted, independent and kind adults. Which is how nearly all teenagers actually end up. It's worth it in the end, but not easy during.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 10:21

That’s terrible @recklessruby I had one teacher at school that took a dislike to me as well, I had no issues with any of the others. It’s very unfair when teachers do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 10:25

I think it is a good sign that others have high opinions of them as it shows they have the fundamental characteristics that will mean they will be fine in life.

God I hope so, it’s so hard as she’s just being an absolute tool right now.

When do they turn into normal human beings again?

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 10:30

My oldest is 12 and I think he is pretty much the same in school as he is at home. Bit of a class clown, always sticks up for people that don't stick up for themselves (his teachers tell me that at parents evening every year since he was about 7). Quite a bit cheekier at home though.
My 6 year old on the other had is like Jekyll and Hyde. He is an absolute little mouse, and an absolute angel with other people and at school, in here however he is a devil child, and has been since the day he was born. He is very loving and cuddly though.

LIARMyDCArentAPleasureToTeach · 27/08/2020 10:33

I think a lot of parents have thought this in recent months, and about younger DC too, with the whole homeschooling thing. I refer you to my username Wink 

How old is she @Sexnotgender (heartily approve of your username btw Smile) IME when they leave secondary school and start college/post 16 education or whatever they do, they do grow the fuck up quite fast Grin

I did find that although it seems counter intuitive, treating them as they are older when they're acting like a sulky toddler, works quite well. Also, I don't give a fuck how messy their rooms are as long as their clothes and their bodies are clean, they're not growing mould in mugs and there are still some plates in the kitchen. Wish I'd relaxed on that years ago tbh. All the needless arguments!

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 10:37

Haha @LIARMyDCArentAPleasureToTeach thank you.

She’s 16 and thinks she knows bloody everything. She’s actually incredibly immature and lacks any street smarts though.

OP posts:
recklessruby · 27/08/2020 10:38

I accept dd could be hard work as she wasn't all sunshine at home either but you wont get the best out of any teenager with constant tellings off and criticising their personality.
Dd could be outspoken and has a keen sense of justice which helps her advocate for her residents now but she wasnt Satan s handmaid Grin.
I also had other parents tell me how helpful ds was on sleepovers, tidying up after everyone and washing dishes happily.
This was the teenager whose room was almost a health hazard in those days!

Wtfamidoing20 · 27/08/2020 10:44

I have a 17 year old who is just coming through the other side but I now know that I got an easy ride of it with him even though it felt hard. DS2 is 13 and has decided that being the world most horrendous teenager is a road he wants to walk (he does have trauma but honestly it is hard to deal regardless). I have one more to get through (DD is 9) and I really hope each one doesn't get worse as seems to be happening. DD may just finish me off.

x2boys · 27/08/2020 10:46

Yes ,I have just read DS 1 end of year report ,he's well motivated and hardworking apparently,I struggled to get two hours of school work a day out of him during lockdown 🙄he's also smartly turned out clearly they ,have,nt seen him lumbering around at home in just his shorts 😂 he is a lovely lad though I'll give them that .

LIARMyDCArentAPleasureToTeach · 27/08/2020 10:52

Oh yes 16. Unsurprising Grin. Has she just done GCSESs (assuming you are in England) or going into GCSE year?

I have one very like that who knew everything (and still does to a certain extent but has also grown up a bit). DH and I whispered a lot about teensplaining Wink Especially politics. How lucky I was to have DD to explain to me why I had been voting wrongly for longer than she had been alive Grin I had also been doing feminism wrong. How foolish of me.

If it's any consolation, she has grown up a lot and actually said the other day "I can't believe I went on about how hard and important GCSEs were, it's actually A levels which are so important" (of course) she has just done A levels, with equal levels of drama to the GCSE Grin I look forward to reminding her at uni how easy and unimportant her A levels were.

Embarrassingly I have concluded which are actually very similar personalities and I was very like that at her age. I have a theory this is why, out of all my DC, we clashed the most. We are getting on a lot better since she has got older and I have realised that. I also try and remind myself of all the good stuff eg she studies and works really hard and feeds the cat for me in the morning.

ClareBlue · 27/08/2020 10:53

Well, drama queen around 19 when she realised drama was just too exhausting.

Rebel with a cause 18 when she realised her energy could be used to further her causes and she met a kindered Spirit and they are still together and have traveled all over Europe together.

The great communicator when he met a lovely girl at 17 who's parents probably didn't recognise our description of her, but she really is lovely.

The only advice we would give is pick your battles and keep it to really important stuff like safety etc. The rest just let it flow over.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 10:57

We’re in Scotland so she’s just done highers.

Oh my god teensplaining 😂 her brightest ideas include getting rid of the police🙈 because they don’t do anything apparently. When gently probed with scenarios that might arise from that she flounced off.

OP posts:
LIARMyDCArentAPleasureToTeach · 27/08/2020 10:58

I also have a theory (and have gone on about this before on MN, possibly with the same slightly lecturing tone DD has inherited Wink) that parents on the whole, are either toddler parents or teenager parents eg some love the toddler stage and struggle with teens, and some the opposite...I myself actually much prefer the teenage years as endless drama is preferable to me than mind numbing CBeebies and you be the frog and you sit over here and I will ask you for a teapot, no sit there not there stuff. I love that I can say fuck in front of them and not feel guilty.

Of course some parents are good at both stages and have hard working polite DC. Maybe they will have better advice for you Grin

ClareBlue · 27/08/2020 11:06

I always think what I was like as a teenager and everytime the frustration was reaching boiling point I used to think it was pay back time for what I put my mother through.

Xiaoxiong · 27/08/2020 11:08

I remember my (lovely) dad once saying "why would you be less polite to your family who love and care for you than you would be to a stranger in the street?" when I was being particularly stroppy as a young teenager. I itch to say it to some of my friends' teenagers who are absolutely lovely and polite to me, but when friends tell me what their teens are like behind closed doors it makes my hair stand on end. My kids are only in primary though, I'm sure they will be foul to me too in the fullness of time!

humblesims · 27/08/2020 11:10

Mine are grown up now but I was always amazed that my chatter box cant shut him up teenager's reports always said he wasy quiet in class and needed to offer his opinions more. Confused

WhatamessIgotinto · 27/08/2020 11:11

She’s 16 and thinks she knows bloody everything. She’s actually incredibly immature and lacks any street smarts though.

@Sexnotgender Oh I have her male counterpart right here! He knows everything dontcha know!

greengreengrass14 · 27/08/2020 11:18

Yup. Drove me potty a lot over lockdown etc especially cos I'm a single parent and no one to bounce off to...

However I try to find compassion. After all, I do believe I was ten times worse at the same age...

nice to have solidarity on this thread,...thanks for posting

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/08/2020 11:23

Not just teenagers!
A friend of mine has a DS who is a proper "school angel, home devil". Every single school report she's had home for him, she's said "I'd love to meet this kid they''re writing about, because I sure as heck don't recognise him!!" And he's still only in year 5.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/08/2020 11:25

For anyone who doesn't remember this...

nannybeach · 27/08/2020 11:29

No I didn't reckonise them either especially my oldest DD