Unrecognisable teenagers

[Sexnotgender]

Anyone else struggle to recognise the teenager that their teachers describe?

Apparently my daughter is an absolute delight.

Seems she keeps all her delightfulness for everyone but us.

Are they all like this?

Teachers don't have time to 'take a dislike' to pupils. It's your child, not the teacher. Try looking at it that way.

Ahaha @steppemum I’ve heard that before 😂

I’m feeling better that I’m not the only one!

I was an absolute NIGHTMARE at home; tantrums, screaming, shouting, argumentative, crying - AWFUL.

I have one like this! It's really tough going at the moment so I have every sympathy with you op. According to the books, it's part of the process of them separating themselves off from you!

I don't think YABU but it was not my experience as a rule with 4 children now through school. I could always recognise the child they spoke of.

Apart from the odd teacher where there clearly was an issue.
1 I dealt with during parent-teacher and outright asked him to come up with 1 positive about my son (who was an A student in his subject and the other teacher praised to the rafters) He was unable to do so and it proved a turning point for him and ds later on.

1 other I made a complaint about. She actually sat with my then 17 years old who was known by the school to have serious mental problems (and on anti-depressants at this point the school WAS aware) and this teacher told her. " you just have to snap out of it" I made an official complaint and requested she get sent on a course to learn how to speak to parents and students with MH problems.

Overall though the person the teachers spoke of I recognised and I think it came across when the teacher really liked the student and when they were merely ok with them. However. that doesn't make YOU unreasonable as it is your experience

Totally different environment. I expect if the teacher nagged them to empty the dishwasher every day and put their pants in the laundry basket not beside it they would quickly see the other side of them.

Yes but not in a good way. A teacher once told me that DD was very rude at school, I was mortified and told DD off but was shocked as this was so out of character and therefore I went to see DD's tutor to see if there was a problem, there wasn't thankfully; the teacher said (and this is sounding unbelievable I know) to ignore what the other teacher said, I can only assume there was a mix up or the teacher had something going on in her private life that meant she was probably having an awful time of it and the tutor knew this.

@recklessruby

I had the opposite. According to one teacher (who clearly disliked dd) she was rude, nasty and broke every rule in the school. I was called in for a meeting when she was 15 and I actually said "I know E is no angel but I m struggling to recognise the girl you are describing ". Turns out dd was being singled out for the things a lot of other girls were getting away with like rolling her skirt up and wearing a bit of make up. She also told dd she would never amount to anything. Dd is now 26 and works as a support worker for autistic young adults.

I really despair at the stuff some schools focus on Skirt rolling and make up - how about focusing on how they go about their learning? Quality of the teaching.

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]For anyone who doesn't remember this... [/quote]
I was wondering when Kevin would get a mention! I was a proper little Kevinette as a teenager, but always got good reports at school, mainly because I worked hard. I've also realised as an adult that Mum and I have more in common than we thought. And I was a self-righteous little twat as a teen too. I'm still very left-wing politically but a lot more cynical.

I was going to post the same 'Kevin and Perry' sketch.

e glad you have stroppy teenagers, I had a very controlling mother and a father who worked log hours. I couldn't get away with anything, and I mean anything and had no privacy - mum would come in while I was in the bath to wash her hands.

I couldn't discuss anything with her, I was not allowed an opinion, my relationship with her only improved after her death.

Stropy, rude teenagers are forging a different relationship with you as adults, although it can seem more like they are bratty toddlers.

@Sexnotgender - there is a book called Divas and Doorslammers, by Charlie Taylor, in which he describes the neurological changes that go on in the brain during puberty - a kind of rewiring. He says that, during this process, teenagers lose some abilities - temper/impulse control, sense of proportion (and ability to see themselves not as the centre of the universe), empathy etc.

He describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - but the good news is that it is temporary, and once the neurological changes settle down again, these things come back, by and large.

I bought this book when we were going through the mill with ds3, who was the most difficult of our three, during the teenage years. His temper was appalling, and there was plenty of shouting, swearing (mainly at me) and doorslamming - and there were times when I was not at all sure that we'd both survive his teenage years!

But we both did - and the change in him was startling and fast - over the space of weeks, we could see him going back to the person he'd been before adolescence hit. There was one week where he tidied his room without being asked, gave me an unsolicited hug, and did his homework without a word of nagging - I almost fainted with the shock!

He's now 23, about to finish university (he's done much longer than most because we are in Scotland where degrees are 4 years, and he's changed subject twice - so will have done 6 years when he graduates), and he is doing well in his studies, holds down a part time job, and is good at it, has a great bunch of friends, and is there for them when they need him, and has been a positive pleasure to have at home during lockdown.

There is hope!

I’ll look at that book thanks @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius sounds like it’s useful.

That's great about your ds3 and fantastic to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

They grow out of it eventually. Just in time for the next one down to start. Then they become lovely adults. Grit your teeth and vow to get through it without alienating them forever. They can’t help it. It’s their hormones. Good luck everybody. Stay cool.

@Hailtomyteeth

Teachers don't have time to 'take a dislike' to pupils. It's your child, not the teacher. Try looking at it that way.

Absolute rubbish

any teacher that doesn't have time to dislike a child doesn't have time to know anything about any of the children.

Everyone has people they take to and people they don't, most teachers are too professional to let it show but they definitely like some kids more than others

They aren't fucking saints.

When DD was a teen she was often awful at home despite being much praised at school. During one particularly heated exchange I pulled myself up short remembering I was supposed to be the adult and asked in exasperation. ‘Why are you so lovely to everyone else and so horrible to me?’ She burst into tears and howled “Because you have to love me anyway!’ It gave me a real window into what a strain being a model friend and student could be for her and made her teenage years easier to bear.

DS's teacher once described him at parent's evening as highly articulate and emotionally aware, this during a phase when he only ever grunted at home, and I'm ashamed to say I actually lol'd assuming he was being sarcastic.

This is a very common scenario in both directions, children of all ages seem to have split personalities for school and home.

One of the worst thing about teensplaining teens (for me anyway) is that yet they're so...so...so conformist. They will be dogmatic about how the police (yy to this, see also the armed forces) should be dismantled etc, sitting on the lounge sofa before going to Nando's with their polite and well behaved BF/GF and being home by 10pm.

It's like I've raised little Saffies from Ab Fab why?! how?! I suppose I should be happy they act like this instead of getting arrested at demonstrations against the (first one, I'm old ) Gulf War before going to clubs and taking drugs with men 20 years older than me (some of that was extremely questionable looking back )

In fairness, this also does pass and they start, IME, to demonstrate the courage of their convictions instead of just pontificating and echo chambering with their mates. And they grow up and think about things properly and with the benefit of experience.

For example, the one that told me I was doing feminism wrong is now older and wiser and has her own supply of stickers

Also, my teens are probably moping on some forum somewhere about how their mum is so embarrassing with like her shaved head and like her super cringey emails to school about uniform policy. It's like so embarrassing.

I think of it as payback

At least DD14 is honest. After a parents evening of being told how friendly, positive, helpful and engaged she was - but needed more self confidence in her abilities - our unhelpful, sulky, stropping diva said to us:

"Well obviously I save it up for home. When anything in school bothers me I leave it until later. Then when I'm home all my negative stuff can happen. My friends don't have to like me if I'm angry and frustrated, but you have to love me whatever I do."

Part of our role as parents is to be the rocks their emotional waves break on. We're the reef that takes a pounding so their worries and feelings crash strongest on us, and calmer as they move inland. It's not fun, but it's how thery keep themselves safe as they go through the turmopil of growing up.

My nearly 18 year old DD is exactly the same. All her friends parents tell me how they lovely she is, whilst at home she’s a nightmare!
I don’t mind the teensplaining or her passion about certain topics (even if she is wrong!) as I like teenagers to have ideals.It’s the constant rudeness and contempt that wear me out.

1 I dealt with during parent-teacher and outright asked him to come up with 1 positive about my son

This was my first EVER parents evening with ds. Late August baby and he's in school half a term.

It was a catalogue of his faults.

One included "during assembly the head teacher asked what was on the card she was holding - and ds said a tractor without putting his hand up"

Ok, not exactly behaviour I'd be encouraging but when I asked if he'd yelled out she actually said herself head was stood right in front of him with card when she asked and he answered in a normal voice.

He'd mistaken her for talking directly to him.

Plus loads of other things where ds has been a 4yo.

She couldn't answer when I asked if she had anything positive about him?

This went for weeks more - daily complaints about his behaviour. I was obviously very concerned. Called a meeting with Ht (knew I'd get no where with teacher). Outlined all these things, asked if we could come up with a plan what we could out in place. Wanted to get on top of it before it got worse and while still year R.

Then I get told nothing wrong with his behaviour and stop over reacting

So I told them to stop telling me everyday about everything he did that was normal for a 4yo if it didn't matter and he'd learn.

But then his teacher would write things in his home school book like "I think mininwierd is bored of his lunches as they are the same daily. Could you make him a varied lunch"

So I did. This wasn't easy as he didn't like sandwiches and insisted on the same each day (probably due to autism)

Cue a week later. DS isn't earring lunch because you keep sending him food he doesn't like/want to eat/ isn't what he expected.

She just didn't like him. Luckily because ds is actually very quiet and polite every year since then I've only heard good things.

So I've been there where I've heard it the other way round too and you don't recognise this apparently feral child from the one you know that barely spoke!

My teenage DS joined the Young Conservatives. I was horrified but bit my tongue. He admits now he did it to piss me off. I have had the last laugh though because even through he left some years ago they are still constantly pestering him for donations.

@Thecobwebsarewinning

When DD was a teen she was often awful at home despite being much praised at school. During one particularly heated exchange I pulled myself up short remembering I was supposed to be the adult and asked in exasperation. ‘Why are you so lovely to everyone else and so horrible to me?’ She burst into tears and howled “Because you have to love me anyway!’ It gave me a real window into what a strain being a model friend and student could be for her and made her teenage years easier to bear.

I find this very reassuring, especially as my most narky child is, I know, struggling with friendships. (although she is alos the one who says you don't care about me!)

Hailtomyteeth Teachers don't have time to 'take a dislike' to pupils. It's your child, not the teacher. Try looking at it that way. Of course they do. One teacher took a dislike to my son and on his university reference he said he'd fail the A level in his subject. The slight problem with that was he'd taken a gap year and had already passed the subject. Apparently he'd just copied what he'd said the year before so he was either very bad at predictions, son got a B, or he was being nasty which knowing their relationship was much more likely.

YADNBU! Hence my user name 😬

My youngest is now 20 (A name change is in order 😬) After around 7 years of tears, tantrums, name calling (her to me), blatantly flouting rules, putting her friends first, always, running after boys to the detriment of her education and all the other angst teenage years bring.... Today my DD (at 20 years old) made a decision that adults can understand and even agree with!! 😵

OP there is light at the end of the tunnel... It just takes a while. Hang on in there 😉