[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@Sexnotgender - there is a book called Divas and Doorslammers, by Charlie Taylor, in which he describes the neurological changes that go on in the brain during puberty - a kind of rewiring. He says that, during this process, teenagers lose some abilities - temper/impulse control, sense of proportion (and ability to see themselves not as the centre of the universe), empathy etc.
He describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage - but the good news is that it is temporary, and once the neurological changes settle down again, these things come back, by and large.
I bought this book when we were going through the mill with ds3, who was the most difficult of our three, during the teenage years. His temper was appalling, and there was plenty of shouting, swearing (mainly at me) and doorslamming - and there were times when I was not at all sure that we'd both survive his teenage years!
But we both did - and the change in him was startling and fast - over the space of weeks, we could see him going back to the person he'd been before adolescence hit. There was one week where he tidied his room without being asked, gave me an unsolicited hug, and did his homework without a word of nagging - I almost fainted with the shock!
He's now 23, about to finish university (he's done much longer than most because we are in Scotland where degrees are 4 years, and he's changed subject twice - so will have done 6 years when he graduates), and he is doing well in his studies, holds down a part time job, and is good at it, has a great bunch of friends, and is there for them when they need him, and has been a positive pleasure to have at home during lockdown.
There is hope![/quote]
I have found your post particularly reassuring. Dh and ds have not been getting on - it's very low level stuff, but as a family we usually get on really well, so a small amount of aggravation can be very unsettling. I had forgotten that I had read all the teenage books and settled everything down the last time we had challenges - that classic 13 year old angst - but this is almost 18 year old angst and felt like a different beast.
But it's just the same really - boy's brains do not mature in the same timeframe as girls, even physically his body is changing, his appetite is unending, we had thought we'd put all the teenage guff behind us. He was particularly bad for a month very recently - fuzzy headed, forgetting to complete tasks, nearly setting the house on fire a few times due to poor decision making and his temper was quick to come to the surface - I was getting most of his bad manners.
Almost overnight it changed, it's quite remarkable really, but dh is struggling to forgive him - struggling to see his behaviour as temporary - we still have a bit of attitude (which I think is needed to an extent - he was very passive before) I think dh needs to understand that ds's behaviour wasn't entirely his fault - hormones and brain rewiring played their part - it's hard to keep this in mind in the thick of an argument for sure - but it helps avoid and lesson arguments if you understand and believe the science beforehand. Thank you. We bought the book! 😁